Am I Right in My Perception of an 8 Year Old Respect for Me

Good Morning D. M:
It sounds like you are in a very difficult situation,however, it also sounds like you are right on target when it comes to children need to respect others no matter what. All of our public and private schools have respect others as a first rule in all their policies and they also have negative and positive consequnces lined out for all students and faculty. As parents it is our responsibilty to teach our children respect and sounds like you are doing your part. Communication is the key to getting any negative situation corrected. And you are doing just that. it may not hurt to ask the 8 year-old why she does not respect you. you may need to let her know that you are not here to take the place of anyone, that you and your children are actually an asset to her life. You do need to be consistent and let her know that her disrespectful behavior is only going to come with the same negative response and she needs to consider those negatives. Talking to her Dad and Mom about this is also going to benefit. Like I said earlier, you are in a difficult situation and it will take alot of discretion on your part to address this issue. You have to make it clear that the behavior is not tolerated by your children and it will not be tolerated by her in your home. So as you can see, I agree with you and yes, I know that it will be difficult, I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and may God Bless you and Keep you and yours safe and May he Give you and yours Peace.
C. G.

I had a similar problem with my mother-in-law for a long time. I tried talking to my husband about it but he blew me off saying she didn't mean it that way or he didn't hear what she had said or that I was over reacting. Finally, I decided I needed to figure out a way to get along with this woman. I killed her with kindness and ignored her rude condesending comments. Her attitude did a 180 and now we get along. Funny thing is my husband (of 12years) asked me after her most recent visit, "when did my mom become so high maintanance?" I just laughed and said said what do you mean she's always been that way.

Anyway, first of all the girl is only 8 and sees her father on weekends. She resents the situation she's in and resents you for taking up what little time she has with her father. She probably feels like she's an outsider when she's with her own father because of you and your children. She doesn't have the right to be rude to you or anyone else and when she is you should talk to her about it. She's immature and jealous and has no other way of expressing it. Take the high road here. You're the adult. Take an extra step to get to know her. Do something extra nice for her. Plan a great outing for her and her dad. Show her your not there as competition. Show her you care about her and her fathers relationship. Stop worrying about who's right or wrong and getting defensive. You can't go into the situation like that. You just have to tell yourself you're going to get along with this girl and then put on a big smile.

Hi D.,

I would say your perception of your "terrific" guy's daughter is accurate. My question is what makes him so terrific? I'm not trying to be rude but we've lowered our expectations so much these days. Why hasn't he taught his daughter? Don't tell me Mom has done all the damage. I'm not telling you what to do BUT I would look deeper.

Don't forget she also sees you as a "live-in." He's made no committment to you. Should she repect you? Try to get to the heart of the matter and see who is really to blame.

D., I'm older and much wiser than I used to be (I'm not claiming to know everything by any means!). Make sure you look after you and your kids and see if he will make a committment. Whatever influence he has on his kids could be over your kids too. Living-in is a recipe for disaster when you have impressionable children involved.

I hope you take this in the spirit it was given! Good luck to you!

M.

IF she is really being mean spirited and saying things then that has to stop. You can't stop her from giving you ugly looks. I'm sure she is threatened by you moving in with her father and she only gets to see him on the weekends-you see this man plenty of times.

I definitely agree that Mr. B needs to speak with his daughter. You shouldn't have to be the one to tell her. But then again I wouldn't let someone be rude to my children just because she is jealous. If she starts being mean to your kids, then I would say you DO HAVE A RIGHT to say something to her.

"You may not like me, but you will respect me" is good enough. And the fact that she has no reason to be rude to your kids.

Do you think that her mother might be feeding her some mis-information for her to keep up this attitude? It sounds like she could be doing this because her mother might be saying some things. Divorced parents sometimes like to talk ill of their ex-spouse's new partner-because they still are hurting from the break-up no matter how many years have passed.

My step-son does the same thing, doesn't listen, ignores me when I speak to him. So I started to not listen to him when he asked me for things. Just pretend he didn't say anything. Then he was clamoring for my attention. I just told him "it doesn't feel nice when someone isn't listening to you" and I'm pretty sure he got the message. And the strange thing was, I was just asking him things like what did he want to eat, please don't jump on the couch. That was pretty much it. I ignored his hissy fits, dirty looks and he eventually got over it (he's only 5)

you have an 8 year old emotional girl that was involved in a divorce that I'm sure no child deserves to go through. She is probably acting out.

Have you tried just taking her somewhere and doing some girly stuff with her (just the two of you)? Spend some time with her. Maybe even ask her why she is acting this way. You can tell her that you're not trying to take her daddy away and that you're not trying to become her mother. You just want to be her friend. Maybe she wouldn't feel so threatened if you spoke to her like this.

See if Mr. B will talk to his daughter's mother about this situation. If you don't nip this in the bud now, then you're never going to be first in (as in wife) in Mr. B's book. This 8 year old sounds very spoiled probably out of guilt from the divorce and I'm sure her dad is tuning into it as well. So he is the one who needs to speak with her about this.

hi i came from a family like that. and i treated my step mom the same way. (but she also treated her kids better than me) what you are doing is right. just try and see if you can go out with just you your daughter and her. its a long shot but you can try it or do something nice for both of them and try and show her that you will treat her with respect just like your daughter. it going to be hard no matter what. but just keep showing her you care for her just like you care for your daughter. ex. like if you go out and buy your daughter something buy her something just as nice but not the same thing cause that is just weird. i hope this will help you. o and she may just want her mom and dad back together like all kids dont want to see there parents separated.

ABSOLUTELY UNACCEPTABLE...If you do not stop it now, it will, and I am telling you from experience, it will get worse.
If B allows his 8 year old to disrespect you, what is he really thinking??? And, if you were in his parents home, did anyone else see this happening, and if so, what was their reactions? If none, then run, and run fast. Otherwise you will be living in complete misery, and so will your children.
8 years old is old enough to know what is happening, and she may have some regrets, as well as jealousies, but, if you can not speak with her, and she is mean with your children in your home, DO NOT PUT UP WITH IT ONE MORE TIME. You will be disrespecting yourself.

D.,

Please give her time and space. Only be there for her if she needs you otherwise give her space. She sees you as a threat. She more than likely feels as though you're going to take away her dad. She is going to have a really hard time adapting to you and your kids because all of you are competing with her for her dad's attention. Don't expect her to suddendly be an angel and excepting in one day it may take several years, please be patient.

This advise comes from someone who was in her place. Best of luck.

Hello D. M.

I am married, a MOM of 3 and I am 30. I had a blended family when I was growing up. From what I can tell you (I could be wrong) but I treated my stepfather the same way so I kinda have a good idea on what is going on.
I do not want to hurt your feelings in anyway!

BUT SHE HATES YOU!!!
AND SHE WILL UNTIL SHE GROWS UP.

She feels that you are taking her DADDY away from her.
She wants her DADDY and MOMMY to be together.

You did not do anything wrong. This is just how a child sees it.

She might also be jealous of the relationship that her DADDY has with your children.

If she is allowed to do what ever she wants whenever she wants then that tells me that her MOMMY does not pay enough ATTN. to her, and if that is true and she sees you giving lots of LOVE and ATTN to your kids that might make her jealous more.

You have to talk to your boyfriend first about how she treats you, you also need to sit down with the girl, her mommy and your boyfriend and tell them all that the next time that she treats you with disrespect that you will CALL HER ON IT in front of anyone at anytime because you are not going to allow this to continue anymore, you are not trash and you will not allow her or anyone to treat you like that. Your children are not allowed to treat her or anyone like that and that is what you are going to be looking for from her for now on!!!!!!!!!!

Tell them all that you will not give in to her nasty looks or smart remarks. Let the girl know that her daddy is always going to be her daddy, but he and you are also going to be in a good healthy relationship and that you would like it if she would join into your blended family with lots of love and respect for each other.

This is going to take time and lots of understanding from your part about why the girl is acting this way.
REMEMBER SHE IS HURT ABOUT THE DIVORCE.

(LETS SAY THAT THE GIRL MAKES ANOTHER NASTY FACE TO YOU INFRONT OF OTHERS AGAIN, AS SOON AS SHE DOES IT, LOOK HER STRAIGHT IN THE EYE AND SAY TO HER OUT LOUD IN FRONT OF EVERYONE, SAY HER NAME " ____ DO NOT LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT AGAIN I DONT LIKE IT AND IT IS NOT GOING TO BE ALLOWED, DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I AM SAYING TO YOU______. "
Talk to her with a sharp voice but not to loud. Keep a straight face do not make a nasty look at her.

Oh and another thing that might help after you have a talk with everyone, ask her mommy and daddy if you can spend more time with her (just you and her) so that you too can try to make a friendship bond. She might not want to at first but after one or two times spending time together she might start treating you and your children better. Keep spending time with her. IF you feel like that might not work then INVITE the girl to come with you and your daughter for a day out (GIRLS ONLY DAY OUT) she might start to warm up to you better, and if she does go along with you and your daughter make sure that you talk to your daughter first before you leave alone that you want to help the other girl feel comfortable so that you are going to divide your time with them equal.

It is up to you on how you want to handle this,
Good luck and I hope that things work out for you and your family.

From one mom to another

Mrs. S

Your right you do reserve respect. This is a child who needs some down right discipline. With the permission from her father set limits with her. If your children aren't allowed to do that to you why should she. This is your home too, and by no means are her parents doing her any favors by letting this go on. Remind her father of that fact. Does the mother ever make any comments baout her behavior?? She needs limits!!!!!