An Only Child - Littleton,CO

This is a point of contention in my marriage. I am an only child...my husband is the baby of 3. He always felt bullied, ignored, and shorted as a kid. There wasn't a lot of money and by the time it came down to him, there wasn't a lot left. His siblings got to do sports, and he didn't. That sort of thing. His siblings, of course, say he was the baby who got away with everything. His dad actually had to call the cops on his sister because she was beating him so much. So he wants our 2 y.o daughter to be an only child so he can "give her the world" and not make her have to share us, or her things, or anything!
My story is pretty different. I am an only child (I have 1/2 siblings who live in a different state and are much much older) so my point of view is that of a lonely only. And it was, lonely. My childhood is marked by what program on television I was watching at the time. I had trouble in school with talking too much because I was alone so much with no one to talk to that when I got to school, I couldn't shut my mouth. I admittedly am pretty spoiled (although not bratty). I had things and got to do pretty much anything I wanted within reason. I had diamonds and cars, and spending money but guess what? I was still lonely. We weren't rich growing up but since I was the only one my parents could splurge. I never had problem with sharing or anything like that, and I think I did ok, but I was more lonely than anything.
So I want 2...my husband wants 1.
It has everything to do with your parenting. My parents could have made a concerted effort to be home more, do stuff with me, and create an extended family through friends, and I'm sure I would not have been so lonely. My husbands parents could have divided equally, and enforced house rules of respect and kindness and I'm sure he wouldn't have felt left out and abused. There are perks to both.....
If you both want more, I would say stop trying and let it happen when it happens if it happens. Sometimes when you stop stressing and "trying" then it happens.
Happy baby makin' or just practicing :P

T.: I feel for you with this. I am an only child my husband has two siblings and we ended up with one son who is 3. I first never thought I'd have children but when we decided to try and I got pregnant right away I thought okay I'm having one therefore I need to have two, I did not want to have any only child mainly because of me being an older parent (39 when I had him). Well I was thrown a curve ball. After having him I got pregnant again a few months later with twins and ended up miscarrying. It took me a whole year to even think about trying again. By that time I was almost 41. I found out a few months into trying when my period didn't come that I was now in perimenopause. So yes i could still get pregnant but it would be much more difficult. Prior to that though I told my husband when we decided to try again I needed a boundary. If it didn't happen in eight months then it wasn't meant to be. It was during the middle of that time that I found out about the perimenopause so I took that as a sign that I was not meant to have more and now trying to find peace and closure with that decision. As I said I always wanted two so they would have each other and would have loved to have had a boy and girl so I feel a huge loss at not having had my girl and that my son may grow up alone if something were to happen to us. Most of his relatives are out of state. So all I can do to control things is focus on the present. I try to stay healthy for him, I always have things planned for him to do with friends, he goes to preschool, I am trying to make his as social and well rounded as possible and just pray that I will live a long and healthy life so I can be with him. It is a very tough decision and a very personal one so the best piece of advice I can give you is maybe set a boundary if you want to try and if in that time you don't conceive then that is how things are meant to be. Just give up the control of it and let things unfold. Good luck, I will be thinking of you.

I am an only child myself, and what I can tell you is you shouldn't feel guilty about having only one. I did not feel like I missed out an anything without a sibling, and my family and I got to do some things that other families couldn't because it was too expensive with all of their kids.

The best advice I can give you is focus on socialization. As an only child it is easy to become a shy wallflower type. Schedule as many play dates as you can to keep her involved with other kids and from withdrawing. I was slightly shy as a child, but in my college years I came out of my shell and now am as outgoing (or more outgoing!) as many of my friends.

My husband and I only have one child right now and due to expense we feel he will be our only one as well. No guilt here. In watching our other friends with multiple children, I know we won't be running quite as much as them when our son starts getting involved in sports or other group events. I plan to make use of the time I would otherwise spend rearing more children to re-focus on our only child - working harder with him on education, learning and just plain having fun.

Don't feel guilty, just enjoy it and lavish your daughter with all of the attention and love you can.

Hello, T.! I understand your dilemma. I am an only child and I have to say that I love it. Also, we are raising our daughter as an only child and she is doing very well. We do a lot of activities w/ other children and she is very social. I'm sure there is so much more to say, but in the end it really is a personal decision. Good luck and know that being an only child is very rewarding.

Best of luck, S.

We have an only and cherish him. It is the best decision for us, and yes, I do feel guilty sometimes. You might want to read "Raising and Only Child". I forget the author, but it poses questions and helps you get clear on your motivation for either raising and only or raising more than one child. Good Luck.

Like pretty much everyone who has responded, I think this is a purely personal decision between you and your husband. We were initially undecided about having a second, then decided to go for it, but after trying for a year with no luck I started to come to terms with the idea that it might just not be in the cards for us. I started telling everyone in our small town who asked (seemed like everyone did) that no, we were not having another, yes our son would be an only child, and it felt great to just be direct and start to move forward with that smaller version of our family. Then I found out I was pregnant! We are thrilled, but I admit I'm a little nervous about how I will handle things with two. It was just interesting that I got to try on the idea of just having one for real, and it felt great to accept that. And now that we are having two, I also feel great about this new, expanded version of our family. I guess my point is that sometimes it takes time to make the right decision, that it does not always happen the way you plan or envision. I wish you the best and just want you to know you are not the only one working through this question.

Honestly, I think too many people put too much stock into having more than one child. There are such benefits to just one. First there is research that shows only children tend to be much smarter, probably because of the one on one attention they get. They are usually more adjusted to situations as they get older due to the larger amount of adult contact. You can typically afford more for them, the list goes on and on.

My husband and I wanted to stop at one, I loved having my one little boy to dote all over all the time. We surprisingly had two more and never regretted it

Being on both sides of the fence here are my pros to having more than one:

- I love that they all have someone to play with, not just me, as I am not always available.

- I love that they will have each other when my husband and I are old and ailing.

- I love that they love each other even when they make each other crazy.

- I love watching each of their little personalities, they are each entirely different from each other.

Here are a couple of cons to having more than one:

- Just as you think you have it figured out, another one throws a curve ball at you.

- The money is much tighter.

- The fighting that comes naturally with siblings is hard to bear.

- And last, the time is spread thin, I just always need more time for each of them and sometimes feel like I pull my hair out trying to find it.

In all, I wouldn't change it for the world and if you and your husband are able to have more, I say go for it. That being said, if you guys find it hard to have another one or cannot, don't sweat it. You little girl is all you need, she is the best blessing in the world, you never want her to think she is not enough.

Good luck, I am sure you will make the perfect decision for your family.

I have an only child, well, in reality, since re-marrying, my husband and I have two "only" children. Mine is 6 and his is 13.
With the information you have given here is my advice: In this "day and age" it is normal and acceptable to only have and parent one child. Many of the working parents I know are happy with their one, and I am surely happy with mine. Kids without siblings are missing out on that intense interaction and bonding, and kids with siblings miss out on some of the attention and resources from the parents.
I would say that if "trying" to have another child is stressful or medically risky don't worry do it. But if "trying" is fun and you can let go of the needs and expectations two kids can be really great!

I understand about feeling "guilty" about not having siblings for an only child. Even now I will still struggle sometimes, but I know that having one child was the right choice for our family. If you are truly happy with one child, then don't let ANYONE or your own guilt make you feel bad for that choice. But if you truly feel like your family wants more keep trying or consider adoption. There is no right or wrong. We love the fact that we will be able to travel more and show our daughter the world and she gets so much attention. Don't let anyone use the spoiled only child phrase, just simply say she is loved. ( I have seen kids in large families that can be just as bratty and spoiled) Set up lots of play dates, social activities and dont feel bad in letting her go to daycare or preschool at and early age. Teach her to give and share just like any other child. I have heard that many only children grow up confident and do very good in school due to the full attention. On the other side I do know my daughter loves being around other kids and it is hard for her that I am the only playmate sometimes. ( I love doing crafts, not good at pretend) As for siblings I can say you can't guarantee that siblings will like each other or be there for each other. I have a large family and most of us don't talk to each other. Yes its nice that my oldest sister ( she's almost 17 years older) and I are close and can talk about mom and dad, but I have to say that I have fostered several friendships (several are 20 years and counting) that are sisters in spirit. Plus my sister and I live in opposite ends of the country. So I plan on helping my child create in her mind that family is not our blood, but who we love. I think your daughter will be fine with her life as long as she is loved. My daughter is 6 and for a short time when she was 4 I babysat an infant, she wanted a brother or sister ( she LOVES babies and is surprising good with them) But nowadays she has mentioned ( after spending an afternoon with friends with younger siblings) that she is glade to be the only child. Even then I will continue to feel guilty every once and awhile, because I think part of being a mom is always thinking we should of done something more or different. I know its hard being a mom of only one kido because it seems like you are the only one out there, but we aren't. ( I have jokingly mentioned that we moms of onlys need to start a group) It was a hard decision for us, but I think it has made me appreciate every little moment even more. Best of wishes to you and your family

I am an only child, and I feel like I grew up happy, well-adjusted and reasonable about sharing, contrary to stereotypes. I have always had and continue to have a very close relationship with my parents.
I am now a mother of three children. When I was pregnant with my second, it was a joke with my mom--she'd say, "Let me know about that whole two kids thing, because I sure don't have any advice!" Seeing my kids together honestly does make me think it would be nice to have a sibling, even though they are not always smiling and hugging each other. ;)
My husband is one of five children, and when there are family get-togethers for his side of the family, I enjoy seeing him interact with his siblings. It's also neat to me that his siblings always help each other out, with moving and such.
Everyone comes from a different circumstance and there are too many variables for anyone to see the future and guess what your situation would be like. There are people from huge families who are close with their siblings and parents and some who are poorly adjusted. There are only children who are content and happy--and I am. Only you can weigh your situation and know what's right, but I highly doubt you'd ever regret expanding your family.
I do believe your perspective should be about welcoming another child as an individual, not just so your first can have a sibling. Loving children as individuals is vitally important--one of the sons in the real family "Cheaper By the Dozen" was based on said he felt his parents raised 12 only children, because they each felt so individually cherished. That's a really high compliment, and I strive to offer some of the feeling I was raised with to my three children.
Best wishes!

I don't think guilt is a good reason to have another baby. It sounds like at least for now neither of you is ready for another child. if that is the case honor it. We have one. I can't have more so slightly different but at this point I often wonder since I wouldn't have been trying before now--would I have done more kids? I am not sure. my life views have changed as time goes on. I come from 13 kids, my husband from 8 so only having one is rather odd. and "shameful" on some levels with certain family members. but we get past that knowing that we have made a decision together and that we are extremely blessed and happy with what we have. are there moments I get sad? sure, but they pass and I have a beautiful daughter and I do have opportunities to be there for her in ways my parents were unable to. I agree it is a point of parenting. spoiled or lonely kids can come from all family sizes. Both my husband and I would say we were lonely growing up--with all those siblings. and sometimes it is harder to feel lonely but not be able to be alone. with only one child I don't worry about if others say she is spoiled, depending on what you are measuring her against she is or she isn't. I teach her to be loving and respectful and I provide the best life for her I can. My daughter is 3. she's an amazing little person. it is both sad and wonderful to watch her grow up. I cherish the moments with her in a way I don't know I would be able to if I had another baby coming along. I think it is like the last child in any family you notice how time passes by in a more acute way. I provide opportunities for my daughter to play with other children throughout the week, she is in dance and preschool mostly because I was worried about her growing up without siblings and wanted that socializing to happen for her. of course there are a million other benefits that have come from those opportunities as well.
whatever you and your husband decide, it is a decision between the two of you, come to peace with it and then no matter what anyone else might say cherish the fact you are a strength together.
I've had a lot of hurtful things said to me by well meaning people over the past couple of years--it only pricks though because my husband is there for me, to encourage me and to get a bit ticked off at peoples well meaning stupidity with me. lol.Whatever you decided it will be the best decision for YOU (your little family) and that is all that really matters.

Hi T., we have a daughter who is almost 4. She's amazing, and gets 100% of our love and attention. I struggle with guilt sometimes too, because she will be an only--we had fertility issues (my husband's) and now I am 43, and so that is that. I just wanted to offer you my support and tell you that you are not alone in your feelings. I also believe that your child can be happy as an only. It sounds like you give her lots of love and attention, and I really think that's the main thing, as well as being sure to give her plenty of opportunities to be social. Good luck.

My husband and I went the rounds with this for five years. It's a very individual and personal decision that nobody can judge you for. We finally decided to have another baby. For us and our now two children it was the best thing we could have ever done for any one of us. To watch them interact and bond and learn together is so precious and they'll always have each other in life. They are 6 years apart and different genders but still, they love and depend on each other and I hope they always will. Nobody can decide this for you but I can sure relate to your concern and wondering what's right for your family. If one wants a baby and the other doesn't, the one who doesn't trumps. The baby needs to be wanted and loved by both parents. There's NOTHING wrong with having an only child if that's what you choose. I know plenty of people that are only children and they are fine!!! Don NOT let guilt be a deciding factor and don't LET yourselves feel guilt over this. Guilt is only for when you've done something wrong and you've done nothing wrong. Anyone who judges you for this can shove it. They don't know the complex reasons behind it and it's none of their business! Good luck.

Since you say "stop trying" I assume that you have, so far, been unable to conceive again. I know how difficult and frustrating that can be (it took us a while to get pregnant with our first). My suggestion would be to take a break from trying for a while. Maybe don't do anything to prevent (if you want another) but don't worry about actively trying.

As far as her being an only child, she can grow up very well adjusted. She will get more of your attention and probably feel very secure and loved. And some studies suggest that onlies do very well in school and perform better on aptitude test (probably because of the more one-on-one time with adults).

My neice was an only child for over 7 years. My husbands family all live with 50 miles of each other, so we were together often and she got lots of interaction with cousins. She learned all the social skills of sharing and cooperating and negotiating and compromise through playing with cousins and other kids in the neighborhood, church, playgroup, and preschool. Since both you and your husband have siblings, if they have kids, it would probably help your daughter to associate with her cousins, even if they are not the same age (my neice absolutely loves playing with my daughter, always has, even though they are 3 1/2 years apart).
My neice just had a baby brother join the family about 6 weeks ago (she's 7 1/2) and she is a loving and excited big sister. But she would be a very happy and adjusted child even without him.

This is honestly your own decision. I grew up in a family of 7 children. I LOVE all my brothers and sisters and consider them my best friends. We love to do everything together. A few of us just participated in a triathlon together and we are planning on all 7 of us to do it next year!!

My best friend growing up was an only child. She always wanted a brother or sister. She LOVED children. She now has a few kids of her own. She also teaches daycare. I honestly don't know myself what it is like being an only child.

I can tell you that I have two wonderful little girls. I wanted a large family too, but decided with how late I got married I wouldn't have as many. I love my daughters and they love to play together. My oldest hates when my younger goes down for a nap and is always asking to check if her sister is awake. I love it. We are planning on having another here soon-my husband really wants a boy-haha.

Don't let it make you feel guilty. If you do feel guilty maybe it is because you are suppose to have another. I know in my heart I am not done. I have felt that I do have another one coming. So really this is a decision you and your husband should make. Do you feel there is another child that should be in your life or do you feel like your family is done? Go with your feeling-that is usually the best thing to do.

T.,

My heart goes out to you. I've been in that exact situation. We tried for 6 years to have a 'sibling' for our daughter and became quite frustrated around the third year. She really needed a sibling. We were lucky (or unlucky) enough to be able to watch my cousin's two children one older and one younger than our daughter and it kind of pacified us for a bit and helped us to see what a family would really look like for us, which didn't help at all! We really wanted a big happy loud fun family and it just wasn't coming our way. Almost 2 years ago we finally gave up. Just let go of the idea altogether and decided that one was fine and we were really starting to have a ton of fun with her at age 6. I don't think there is anything wrong with having a larger family, for wishing for more, or for focusing on just the one you have. The guilty feelings are normal. You are trying to give her exactly what YOU (her parents) feel is best for her. And it may or may not take more or less time than you think. Don't focus on the guilty feeling. You are doing what you can, and you are loving and having a great time with your daughter that you do have right now. Enjoy her. Teach her. Help her to have lots of friends.

It is all right!

V.
PS we conceived our second child last summer. She is turning 6 months now just as our oldest is turning 8. Go figure, right??!!

first off-it's only your decision on having a second or not, but my father in law was an only child and he always advises not "doing that to your child". He always felt like he had to hang out with the adults all the time and do what they were doing. Next? I second the motion to stop "trying", but don't necissarily go on any birth control. who knows? maybe you're stressing too much- just get back to being intimate because you want to be-just for the two of you.

I have one child. She is going to be 16 and I really wished I would of gave her a sibling for her to grow up with, to share stories with and just to have the love that siblings share. I have relative that is an only child. His mother passed away when he was 14 and he don't have the best relationship with his father. I'm sure he would would of liked a sibling to lean on through his sad times.

There are pro's and con's no matter how many children you have. My first husband and I decided to have only one, but by the time he was 3, I was remarried and pregnant again. I now have three children and love it very much. My first is exactly 4 years older than my second and it was great spacing for my family. There is no right or wrong. It's your choice!

W. Nichols-Dewey,CD(DONA)
www.birthfirstdoula.com