Angry Teen Asks for Help

S.,
I can tell you are a very caring, loving, and devoted mother. I'm afraid that what I want to say will come across as harsh, so please know I mean well and am wording it the best I know how. While I don't have a teenager, my personal experiences as one are still painfully fresh in my mind.

To start, it's a very good thing that he apologized and asked for help. That means the hormones haven't completely taken over (ha ha). Also, I commend you on keeping your cool. That is impressive.
One of my biggest pet peeves about my parents as a teenager, and even now as an adult, is their nagging. While it is done with the very best of intentions, it only cultivates contention. To the person who is being nagged, it comes across as being condescending and manipulating. As a teenager, to feel belittled and controlled is the worst.
At 14, self-esteem is pretty much at it's lowest point. Acne magnifies that 1000%. Your son is probably feeling very much out of control and doesn't know how to deal with the anger and frustration that come with being a teenager, as it is more of a physical issue than anything else. Hormones do crazy things!
I recommend you give him his space. Yes, his skin will break out terribly if he doesn't use his medication, but it's his skin. When it bothers him enough, he'll do it.
In the mean time, let him take the reins and make his own choices whenever possible. I'm not saying let him do whatever he wants, but be respectful and choose your battles carefully while encouraging him to be the best person he can be. If it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things, let it go. You don't want to damage your relationship with him over minor annoyances when he needs your love, support, and encouragement.
If your son is showing signs of depression or continues to have problems understanding and controlling his anger, it may help to have him talk to a therapist or even his school counselor. My mom made me see my counselor and, while I was embarrassed and ended up bawling my eyes out, it felt good to get a lot of things off my chest and he was able to give my mom an idea of what I needed.

Good luck! It's hard being a teenager; I can't imagine what it's like being the parent of one! I don't envy your position but I do wish you and your son the very best.

I raised three children. Teenage years are by the hardest of them all. I think it is Gods way for us to prepare ourselves for them moving out, which you still cry over, even when you are relieved that you survived those years. I do know that giving advice to parents of teenagers is impossible, none of it seems to work. Keep your values, let him know when his behavior isn't acceptable, punish when rules are broken, be parents first, friends second (they need independence but beings this is the time in their lives that they know more then you do, more mistakes will be made to prove you right.) Keep control over big things like morals, let them have control over things like their body. If he doesn't use the meds, he will break out, that is a natural conscenquence. A hard lesson but one he will survive.

My theory on teenage years is simply this.... Aliens come down and clone your child and they take your sweet and obedient child, leaving you with this clone that is ... I don't know what... Good news is that they do return your well behaved, or almost well behaved child to you after a few years. You can tell when they are going through the cloneing process... they start to smell and they get mouthy and their hearing gets really bad, but their deafness is only to parents voices. They also have a lack of taste in music around this time.

Good luck and if you make it through the next 6 years, get you a tshirt that puts you in the "I survived raising teenagers" club.

Bravo to you and your husband! I think you handled things perfectly. He knows what he did was wrong/disrespectful by apologizing and the email, so hopefully there won't be that type of repete performance.

I remember being a teenager & going off on my parents, then feeling bad and writing them long letters of apology. Our argument escalated at one point to drive my parents to call the police, who in turn called a family crisis center. I remember one of the counselors speaking to me about how to rid myself of my anger. They told me to find an outlet - something to punch and get all my frustrations out on. I remember thinking at the time that that suggestion sounded like a really good one. I also remember playing a game with my family that asked questions about each other. One of those games where you learn a whole lot about others. I read your post as not wanting help with the skin/acne issue - but more about how to handle the anger in your son. Just reading your post made me think of myself at that age. I had a lot of anger built up & one moment I was fine and literally the next second I would go off on my parents, screaming & throwing things. Just know that if your son is apologizing (like I used to all the time) you're doing something right. He'll grow up to understand that the things you asked him to do were only because you loved him. Keep loving him, get some counseling for your whole family & find an outlet for his anger. If he's like I was, he can express himself better with written words...get him a journal that's JUST FOR HIM to write things down in. Peer pressure and the stresses of being a teenager are HUGE issues. Love him as your son & not as your friend.

Good Luck - I hope you found something out of all my babble. :-)

My son turned 13 in November and it's amazing how difficult life can be. I can't get my son to take care of his face either. Sometimes he'll sit like a little king tut in the dining room in his underwear and just refuse to get dressed if we (his parents) don't get him his clothes and wait on him hand and foot. And then he says he can't wait for high school so that he can have more freedom. We wonder if we're nuts. I agree that we need to choose our battles - my understanding (what little there is) is that when/if the friends indicate something is cool or important, then the others will follow. That's how we got him to at least use deodorant and body wash. :) I wondered for awhile if he even knew what soap was. And he's not a bad kid or a dirty, smelly kid. I've been told he's just a normal kid, which is what it sounds like your kid is, too. I'm not sure that my post is helpful, but at least you're not alone. Good luck.

I'm a homeschooling mom of a 16 year old boy and a 10 year old girl. I like what Jaime said the best so far. Consider treating your son the way you'd want to be treated or how you'd treat your partner. He's old enough to take full possession and responsibility for his skin-care. It is definitely not a battle I'd choose with either of my kids. Maybe you could apologize to him for trying to dictate his life a little too much and let him know, in a sweet and genuinely loving way that you understand that it is his body and that you'll remind him if he wants you to but otherwise, you're butting out. That's what I do for these kinds of issues anyway.

Also, realize that what he was doing was requiring his deep concentration and was very engaging for him (script writing) at the moment. Did he really HAVE TO do the skin care right then?

Keep up with the staying calm and continue to hold him accountable for what he needs to do. Also keep the lines of communication open, which sounds like you are already doing. Teenage years are hard with peer pressure and their bodies changing into adults, sometimes it hard to know what to do or say. Keep up the good job your doing .

hey S.!

i don't have parenting experience with a teenager, but i definitely remember being one! :) i'd guess your son was annoying at being interrupted and probably is embarrassed by his acne issues. i remember coming unglued at my parents about things that embarrassed me, but i would never in a million years admit that was my problem. plus, hormones factor in big time! i'm pregnant with my second right now (i know - different situation, right?), but when i get those hormonal surges, i can freak out on a dime with no clue why i did it. then i feel guilty & ashamed for being so out of control.

although teenagers typically don't look forward to parental chats, maybe you could ask him if he could make some time to talk to you tonight when it's convenient for him. then sit with him & have a brief discussion about what happened last night & see if he has ideas for how to prevent it in the future. you both need to get what you want - him to have his free time, you to have him deal with hygiene tasks - but maybe if you ask for his help in coming up with a plan, rather than informing him of the plan, he'll be more inclined to stick with it & not get so angry.

sounds like you handled the situation really well last night!

good luck!
J.
mom to chase (4) and paige (due 6.2.08)

Miss S.,

WHat I am going to say is in love. OH hell no,. Thing that has gotten away is getting in our children behinds when they are wrong now I know you that your mother would not have allowed that kind of talk and neither should you or your husband.

Fist lets look it at your son's side. They think I wish she would get off my back, if I really care that much about my face it would do it all the time. THey care more about my face then I do. Oh then she goes and gets dad like that is going to work I am still just going to stand here like a bump on along and stare at them like they have no sense. And after they have yelled and scream at me I will yell rigght back at them and get away with it.

You the parent I am sick and tired of doing everything around here and the child I brought into this world and have to kick out money for left and right acts like I am talking to myself and yet you are. After asking nicely and calling for time more thatn the one time that should be allowed. Your down the hall after him with the fire of hell behind you and yet you send for the man.

I have had a few run in with my son and yet my child know that hes got one time and I mean one time to cuss , raise his hand or even look like there is going to be a problem and it is so on.

But with that said I know and am learning threw some books that I am reading, every battle can be won it depends on how you attack it. I do know that before I go after my children I have to calm down and then remember that they are human too and do not like being talk to like that.

Sounds like it is time for open communication, let your son know that that kind of talk will on get him hurt not just in your house but in the real world. That if he ever speaks to you in that manner there will be problems. The you are a lady and lady are never spoken to in that manner that you are raising a man not a boy and if he wants to be treated in that manner than that is fine , but to be treat like a man means you have to act like one.

Remember your heatlth first in the maker diet it states that for everytime we get upset like that our immune system shuts down for eight hours. Hard to fight off a cold if your body is fight your child. Nothing happend over night but remeber your mom his child and dad is dad and the moment any thing in not in it's place things dont work the same just do with him everything you want don to your future grandchildren.

Hope this helps.

sounds like you and your husband handled the situation great by keeping calm. i would have done some sort of discipline quicky and swiftly after the first time he cursed at me or slammed a door. and there wouldn't have been the second time.
not that i have teenagers,,but at this age, shouldn't he be taking responsibility for his own face and cleanliness? let him take responsibility for it himself. if he doesn't do it then he gets acne. i understand the wanting our kids to have healthy skin, not get teesed, look good. but he needs to start knowing the consequences of his actions. if he doesn't do it WITH OUT YOU HOVERING OVER HIM, then he deals with the outcome.
i would not let a second go by with out addressing door slamming or cursing and wait for an apology. my husband would have demanded an apology and we would have done some sort of discilpine(grounding, grounding off the compter or tv or phone,, or taking something away from him)
i know us people with out teenagers say we would do that, but we never know till we get to that and are confronted with it in our faces. maybe the first time this happens to me i would be shocked and not saying anything until i got my wits about me..lol lol
my sister used to curse at my parents. mainly drugs. and my parents didn't do anything to my sister. they would ground her, she would talk her way out of it. or sneak out. there was a lot of yelling,cursing and door slamming at my house growing up..lol lol

good luck.. i can only imagine how difficult this has to be..

Maybe he's embarrassed about his face.

If he's about 14 he shouldn't need to be babied or reminded to take care of his personal hygiene. Let him venture off and learn to do for himself if he chooses to have a face full of acne because he's to lazy to put on his medicine let him learn the consequences of that.