Anorexia

In time, I think she will tell you what's going on, but possibly not in the time frame you're hoping for. It took me two years to tell my parents,sister, and boyfriend about my battle with bulimia. They all had no clue. I am 24 now, 19 at the time and in college. I think the therapy is the best thing you can offer her to do; at least it is getting her talking to somebody. I finally told when I just couldn't stand what I was doing anymore and was desperate for help. Just be there for her, listen, and I'd try not to press her for answers. All the best :)

I also agree in bringing her home. I was diagnosed with anorexia when I was younger, and all I wanted was to get my parents' attention. They'd gone through a divorce and hadn't put much thought and time into us kids it seemed. With her being at boarding school, it screams out to me that she's wanting some attention. Could be wrong though. Why is she in a boarding school? Is she a troubled teen?

Bring her home. She may need her mother. I don't get why Mothers and Fathers send children off to a boarding schools. Not judging just wondering. If you can afford the school then go to her and see for yourself what is going on.

I agree that you should bring her home and supervise her closely. You can homeschool with a grade appropriate curriculum (available from many sources for a lot less $ than boarding school, look it up online) to make sure she doesn't fall behind academically, but really her first need at this time is parental involvement and help with her eating disorder. She needs therapy with and without you, and she needs you to be there all the time to show your love and support and to supervise her eating habits as well as model positive body image and eating habits for her. Removing her from her peer group should help, as well as filtering her influences to make sure that she's not being bombarded by media imagery promoting thinness. She needs to believe that being healthy and curvaceous is beautiful too. (Maybe watch some old Marilyn Monroe movies with her. Marilyn was a size 14 and was considered a bombshell.)

BTW, I live in VA too and VA laws regarding homeschooling are very hands-off and accomodating for parents who wish to homeschool. I can give you the info if you'd like, just message me. It's really very simple, legally speaking, to homeschool in Virginia, so making a decision like that isn't going to add an undue burden at a time when you need to focus on your daughter.

I'm sure she's not going to outright admit she's got an eating disorder. She's lost 28 pounds in a short period of time. I don't know anyone that can lose that amount of weight without an underlying condition. I would definately be taking her out of boarding school so you can keep a better eye on her. Therapy is a good start, but maybe an inpatient facility that specializes in eating disorders. It's my understanding that anorexia is about control. She may be feeling like she can't control anything else, that her life is too hectic.

I agree in bringing her home I was in denial when I was in high school. I didn't realize until I was pregnant with my first child and weighed only 78lbs and only gain 15 pounds through the whole pregnancy. Weight was the only thing I could control. So I use that as my crutch when I depress about anything or when I felt helpless in any situation. My mom talked to me and we talked and she loved me and I really felt I was hurting her and we talked all night and she helped me through it for I new I could trust her.
I'll say a prayer that everything will turn out alright for you and your daughter.
GOD BLESS YOU!

Why don't you take her out of boarding school? That's what I'd do.

You need to bring your daughter home. Get her started into a therapy program designed for eating disorders. She needs her family around her now, and you need to be a catalyst in her recovery. She may have some unhealthy eating habits and some body issues that could be easily managed or she may need a more intense program. Either way, bring her home.

Hi J.,

Bring her home immediately. You need to be overseeing everything now and have her in psychological and nutritional counseling. The mind follows what the body says. There is a way to balance that out but you need to be watching it carefully. Eating disorders are life threatening. Don't worry about her schooling. Kid's catch up and even if she doesn't so what! You bringing her home may also give her some assurance that you love her the way she is. That can't hurt.

God bless,

M.

J. - You have gotten some heartfelt answers, with many strong women sharing their struggles with eating disorders in the past. However, you don't have an answer from a mother who has had to face a daughter with an eating disorder recently. I have. And the approach to dealing with eating disorders has changed drastically in the medical community in the last few years - much for the better with a much higher success rate than in the past (and the research shows recovery from eating disorders is much greater when parents intervene IMMEDIATELY!)

First of all, if you suspect she has an eating disorder - she does.And she will not get better if you get her traditional therapy, nutritional advice or a heart to heart talk. You need to find a medical professional who practices the "Maudsely Method" - named after the London Hospital where it was developed 20 years ago (it took awhile for medical and mental health specialists here in the US to recognize the power of this approach). It is a family based approach to facing eating disorders - you're going to take over being responsible for her meals - like you used to when she was little - so the mamas are right that you will have to bring her home from boarding school - but trust me - when she is well she will catch up (mine did - graduated on time).

Call your nearest book store or library - or go to Amazon and get your hands on "Help Your Teenager Beat an Eating Disorder" by Dr. James Lock (MD, PhD) and Dr. Daniel Le Grange (PhD) for their description of the method
http://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Teenager-Eating-Disorder/...

And then get "Eating with Your Anorexic" by Laura Collins - a mom of an anorexic who describes their difficult, but ultimately successful use of the Maudsley Method for their daughter

http://www.amazon.com/Eating-Your-Anorexic-Recovered-Fami...

It's not going to be easy - but don't let adolescence get in the way of remembering you are her mom - when she was little you knew how to feed her - you still do. Both books have resource info on finding medical professionals in your area who use Maudsley - someone in Richmond must. If not the Department of Adolescent Medicine at Children's National Medical Center in DC is a great resource!

Good Luck - my heart goes out to you.

ask her to keep a food log--www.sparkpeople.com has a free one. tell her you want to support her in being healthy. she may think what she is doing is normal since there may be other girls starving themselves as well. educating her as much as possible about proper calories and from the right places which will give her the best health possible. ask the school if they have someone who has dealt with anorexia that could come in and talk to her. when I was 14 I was beginning down a path of starvation. it was something I could control in a world of un-controllable things, it felt empowering. I didn't think of it that way. My older sister had been bulimic and anorexic. She noticed my patterns and was concerned. one of her best friends had actually been hospitalized for her anorexia--she asked her friend to talk to me. It wasn't a parent, or a teacher. I doubt they would have gotten through to me. BUT another teenager, one that was a little older and "cool" She started the process of getting through to me. She told me her story. She told me my sister was worried about me and that she didn't want to see me make mistakes that she had made. It really got me thinking. She explained what was and wasn't normal. Like eating only one meal a day--not normal. I didn't think it was that strange until she told me it wasn't normal. I thought I would impress her with what I was eating and show her what a "fat cow" I really was. I wrote down the things I had eaten during the week. She then pointed out the deficiencies--and that it wasn't about eating more or less but eating the right things and getting enough. And she told me my body would go into starvation mode and hoard fat. That jolted me. She also talked about how her body had started to shut down--she didn't want to see me have to go through what she had been through. She isn't the only person in my story that helped me at that time but she had such an amazing impact on my life, at times when it would have been easy to go that route I could hear her telling me these things, showing me pictures of her frail body in a hospital bed with IV's in her. unrecognizable. I still didn't have healthy eating habits--probably still had an eating disorder, I didn't have all the information I needed. I didn't have a mom who noticed, or if she did, didn't think there was anything wrong with what I was doing. She never said anything to me anyway. Your daughter is lucky to have you, and as a minor, well...you can force her into a treatment program if she won't listen. You didn't say how tall she is--but if she is getting to unhealthy weights and says she is eating fine tell her okay then lets go in for some testing and get some blood work done. a doctor can confirm your suspicions and give you a direction to go. good luck--and again she is really really lucky to have you.

real quick, try doing exactly the opposite of what you want to do,find about four dozen pictures of women who have died of anorexia, should be simple to find on the internet, paste those pictures on her bedroom wall and ask her
does she want to end up the same way. then find the person who has been pressuring her to lose weight.
K. h.

Did you check with family dr or pediatrician. I did that at 16 and it was a loss of "babyfat" and that I quit eating junkfood.

As a daily eating disorder beater you need to bring her home! Of course she is going to deny she has a problem. However, you cannot fix her. She is going to have to decide for herself that she wants help. You can force the help nf her, but as soon as she gets "better" and gets away from treatment she's going to fall right back into her eating problems. I'll say a prayer for you both...it's going to be a long road.

i agree that you should bring her home and get her in counseling, and the maudsley method is the one that seems to show the best results, at least at this point, with this terrible insidious vicious disease.
showing her pictures of women who have died will NOT motivate her. that sort of suggestion stems from a fundamental lack of understanding of the psychosis of this disease. it would probably inspire her to see how close she can get to being that skinny and still live.
you cannot affect her positively from that distance. unlike some judgemental folks i can think of good reasons for boarding school and i'm sure you have her there for sound reasons, but you can't help her fight this battle long-distance. bring her home and get her psychiatric help now. do it today.
khairete
S.

She is influenced by those around her. The dorms are not the best place for people with body issues or lower self esteem. All it takes is someone saying she's got hips, or a belly, or something as silly as big toes and the downward spiral starts.
You need to go to school and see for yourself. You need to go and spend some time and figure out what is going on. If she doesn't have an eating disorder, she's got something else going on that is just as dangerous to her body.
School is almost over. Go - get her checked out ( go to Boston if you have to!) and get her through finals.
YMMV
LBC

Bring her home and get the right care for her. Having her mother & family close will also help in her getting better. The school is there to educate not care for illness or diseases. This may be a long and bumpy road but with patience and understanding (really listen to her), you will make it through. Best of luck.
Blessings & Peace.

Hi - my sister was anorexic about 30 years ago (I say she is a "recovering" anorexic as she still struggles with food). Today, she is a successful psychologist. While neither of my daugthers has experienced this, I fully appreciate your anxiety. I went through a different issue with my 16-year old last year. I went to a therapist myself and it was ENORMOUSLY helpful. Go to someone that has a strong specialty in eating disorders (it will make a difference). I got my daugther a therapist but she wouldn't go so I went to her therapist, too! This was perhaps the best thing I did as this therapist really advocated for my daugther, not me. You can't control your daughter but you can control how you react and what you do. This is a vicious, insidious disease that doesn't have much to do with eating. I'm hoping her therapist has a specialty in eating disorders as it is a highly-specialized field. I understand recent treatments include anit-depressants but much has happened since I was in the loop. Most importantly, take care of yourself immediately, get the support you need and you will be much better equipped to help her! Good luck.

Hi J.! I don't know if I really have advice for you, but wanted to write to you because my senior year in high school I did the SAME thing. I'm 5'8" and I went from 145 pounds to 115 in matter of months. What did it for me was a couple of things. 1) It seemed that all the girls in high school were 5 feet tall and weighed less than 100 pounds. I wanted to be that cute little girl. I didn't see at the time that because I was a swimmer and I was tall that I looked just fine. 2) I was really good friends with a cross country runner, and one day we both stood on a scale at his house and he weighed a little bit less than me. I was mortified! Girls aren't supposed to weigh more than boys! And so, the weight loss began. I still ate, but when we'd have tacos for dinner I would have ONE, and I'd measure grapes into a 1/2 cup because I knew exactly how many calories were in it, and I stopped eating junk completely (I suppose that part was good!) I drank about a gallon of water every day - seriously - to keep my stomach full. Once I'd lost about 10 pounds I actually felt more and more motivated to lose more, because I thought I looked good. At one point I did start to feel a little obsessed and out of control, but no one ever approached me or said anything. I almost wished they would have. Not in a pushy way, but in a way that i knew they cared.

I left for college that Fall and began swimming in a Division IA league. My swimming was horrible (I had taken the whole Spring of my senior year off) and I attribute to the weight/muscle loss. That bugged me a lot. I think the real turning point for me was when we were in a dining hall after swim practice (where we had swam about 8000 yards) and the senior captain looked at my tray with its turkey sandwich (no mayo) and orange, and said, "Seriously?! Is that ALL you're going to eat?" It was almost like she gave me permission to eat again. I tried it - eating just a little bit more each day. I didn't gain weight and realized I could actually eat more than I had been. Well, swim season ended in February, and I gained 25 pounds from then until my parents came to get me in May. Obviously I didn't like that, but the crazy feelings of wanting to lose tons of weight were fading. I did fluctuate between 130 and 140 for several years, until I finally realized that my body just wants to be at 140 - it's almost like that is my set point. Does that make sense?

Anyway, I am 37 now, still 5'8" and 145 pounds. I do realize that I am one of the thinnest of my friends, however I still struggle with all of it. I exercise sometimes to the point of obsession and I think about food a lot (how much can I eat today, what will I be eating later?, etc.) It's hard having these thoughts all the time. I've never sought counseling, sometimes I think I should. I don't know.

So, your daughter may end up being like me. I guess my suggestion is make sure she you tell her you care. Maybe get her friends on board with you? I know having that senior talk to me like that (when I was a freshman) truly made an impression on me, maybe more so than if it had been my mom. Well, I hope she is OK, and I wish you well :)

K.

Is there a reason you cannot bring her home and get her into a therapy program that would include the family? It's hard to figure out what is causing the problem when she's in CT and you're in VA. And, the school can only do so much. How is she losing the weight? She said "she wants to be thin." The "how" is the question that would cause me great concern. Stress can make students forget meals and if it's near finals, that can cause snacking instead of eating decent meals. But, is she doing other things to actively lose weight? Is she exercising? Is she taking something (drugs) to cut her appetite? Is she purging? Is this peer pressure? You have a right to be concerned and to have a lot of questions, but you are not helpless nor without options. You are her mother. You love her and want her to have a healthy lifestyle. But, it's nearly impossible to give her therapy or affirmations or even to assess what is happening to her when she is away from home. Might not be practical given that school should be letting out pretty soon, but I'd be greatly concerned about her mind as well as her body at this point.

Chances are that there is some other issue going on with her that is underlying her eating disorder. Maybe she is depressed, maybe getting bullyed by other girls, maybe had a boyfriend that broke up with her, or having trouble with her grades.... I agree with others that you should bring her home, school can wait. Its better to get this under control before she has major health problems. It would be so tough to help her from another state. Is this a new school? Maybe she didn't want to go in the first place?

I was anorexic in middle and high school and was in complete denial about it until college when I realized I wasn't normal. I was skinny my whole life so I was never worried about weight, I didn't even weigh myself. But I didn't eat, and when I did, I would eat something greasy or sweet like a bowl of icecream just to prove to people around me that I didn't have an eating disorder. My mother never noticed that I skipped breakfast, didn't bring a lunch to school ( I would just eat a candy bar from the vending machine), then usually didn't eat dinner because she didn't cook anything anyway, or I was out with friends. Because I didn't have a drastic weight drop suddenly no one was really sure, even myself. I thought you had to be obsessed with how you look and how much you weigh to be anorexic.

Sounds like you already confronted her about the eating disorder, I would ask her what diet she has been doing to lose all that weight. Find out exactly what she eats. If she's being vague about it she may not be telling you everything. But I would definitely focus on what other issues she has going on in her life, and just listen to her. She just really needs a mother who cares.