Many of you gave me great advice when I wrote in a little over a week ago about my alcoholic mom, who had relapsed and was a mess. Well now she says she has stopped drinking (for about 5 days) and says she is going to be attending meetings. She apologized for all of the HORRIBLE things she said last weekend, which she doesn't remember any of. She asked me if she could come over and give me a hug and see the kids yesterday and even though it was really hard for me I told her that I was not ready for that. So now my issue is, when, if at all, do I let her back in our lives? Every time I have it has just bit me in the a** so WHY do I continue to feel sorry for her and let her back in? I have not gone to an Al-Anon meeting yet but have been reading a lot about it and visiting message boards and I have come to realize that my letting her back in our lives time and time again is enabling her to drink without consequence. I already know that she will NEVER watch my kids again. She put my son's life in danger 7 years ago on a different relapse when I was in the hospital having my daughter and somehow I even came to forgive her for that and let her watch our kids again once she was in regular meetings. So so stupid, I know. She has hurt me so many times and has put me through A LOT with her drinking. She has no spouse, I have no siblings, and she lives only 5 miles away from me. So I get this guilt and feeling sorry for her (which she really is a miserable person inside when it boils down to it so it is very easy for me to feel sorry for her and let her back in) but how long am I going to continue to let her affect my life with this?
So my question is, what now? Do I cut her out for a month? A year? Forever? What about holidays? How do I even know she is GOING to meetings and not just lying?? I feel like I don't even want to see her. She has lied point blank to my face SO many times (and while sober) but for some reason I have felt this obligation to take her back because she is my mother and I know inside she does have feelings and is hurting. But really, it is like she is a child and I am so sick of the BS. She has relapsed 3 times in the last 7 years, each one lasting between 6 mos to a year. I just feel like I can't do it anymore. If it were anyone else, they would have been out of my life years ago. I do NOT do well with liars. At the same time though, if I cut her out of our lives completely I will have guilt from that too!! Aaaaahhhhhhh please help me, this weight on my shoulders just seems to get heavier. :((
Hi. You are the only one who can answer all of these questions.She has a disease and that's how I would think of it. It is a positive thing that she is at least trying to stay sober. Would you cut her out if she was a diabetic(or fill in disease) who wasn't taking care of herself right? Or had alzheimers? Diseases people have no control over. I lost my M. to this disease almost 6 years ago this month and I miss her like crazy.
Hi Robyn,
Have you been to AlAnon? You need help and support to deal with this, and they deal with this ALL the time. Counseling would be a huge help.
And to help you feel better if you need to cut her out for good - that's OK!! Family is not just blood. It takes more than biology to be a parent. It takes love, care, and respect. You are NOT her mother or her caretaker. She has to take care of herself. It is possible for a parent to destroy the relationship with their child - it takes a LOT of work, but it happens. My mother did it to me. I speak to her maybe 5 times a year, usually when she wants to brag on herself. I am polite, but that is it. I am very glad I live 1000 miles away. But even if I lived in the same area, I would not visit her more. She is not a healthy person to be around or to have a relationship with. I would never leave my son alone with her.
So give yourself permission to do what you have to do to protect your family (spouse/children). If that means not having any kind of relationship with her, then that is what has to be done. Go to AA, get some support, some counseling. Find out what you can about being kept in the loop as far as her attending meetings, etc.
Good luck and HUGS!
You are looking at this as an either/or. This is your opportunity to learn how to establish boundaries both physical and emotional. I urge you to start counseling. There are ways of acting and thinking so that what she does and doesn't do will not be so painful. Hard to believe, I know. You are in a lot of pain. Counseling will also help you to heal.
I didn't read your whole letter-I am starting to think that while your M. has to be responsible for her life and actions, you may be the trigger-apparently for some reason, you and your approval mean more to your mother than her own life. Sad-why don't you cut her a break? Maybe this time she will stay clean and sober.....forever. If she had cancer would you tell her to think out of it and stop being such a wimp? She has a disease- one that has been studied in depth for decades, there's no overnight cure (although EMDR is being purported to be very effective in the treatment of addiction) there is only treatment and help-and you always have to think-this may be the time:
http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/prof_results.ph...
There are people out here without relationships with one parent or another for a variety of reasons but addiction or mental illness or the combo being the main reasons. You get over most of the guilt. You are an only child and the burden of this falls heavy on your shoulders. You can't fix her. You can't want sobriety for her more than she wants it. She has to fix herself. You could write up all the horrible things she has said and done but not to show her. It's for you. So you don't let your gaurd down before her work of getting clean is done. As the others said, get counseling. Set up boundaries with the help of a professional. You need a year free of being jerked around before you can even see what you have put up with. You are not healthy now because of this dynamic. Start with the simple request to her of time without her in your life in order for your healing. No calls, no visits, no emails, no texts until you contact her. If she goes against this then the time will be extended. No mother in her right mind wants to interrupt her child's healing. Of course she is not in her right mind and she might get worse when you do this so have some support when you do it. You can see why you need counseling and support groups. Going this alone would be terribly difficult. So pick yourself up and get to that group! We think you are so worth it!
Tell her to show you her O. month chip and she can visit at that time.
This is exactly the type of question for YOUR Alanon sponsor.
Go. Now.
I agree with Patricia 100%, Marda as well.
Have you ever typed up and printed out what she's said to you and the kids when she's drunk and shown it to her? Typed up what she's done, so it's not you telling her this, but something she can read and deliberate over?
I understand that feeling of "I can't trust this person anymore because they are so unpredictable". That feeling of disappointment. The scenario that one poster suggested... that this time she'll stay clean and sober forever.... I get that you've gone through that fantasy one too many times.
Hugs to you. Do get support for yourself and find a counselor who can help you become comfortable with making healthy boundaries. An addict is not going to give you emotional permission to do this (change the relationship so that you aren't dealing with the fallout of their addiction), but a good counselor or support group can help you do just that-- and they can help you not carry an unnecessary burden of guilt when you do make those boundaries. She's not healthy and can't give you that grace.
Sending you strength-- to find your strength and good guidance.
I am a recovering addict of a six year old boy. I have let him down many times as well as my family. It takes time to heal the wounds that addicts or alcoholics inflict on family. In my opinion being a recovering addict, it takes time to earn trust back from people you have hurt. I would suggest that you give M. plenty of time to show you that she is really trying to change and do better. One week in my opinion, is not enough time. It has taken me months to show my son and family that I am anywhere even near getting better. I am currently in a one year treatment program where my son lives with me and I am doing great. I'm saying all of this to say that it takes time for people to change. If you are tired of yourself and your children being embarrased or let down and hurt by your M., then give it some time before you guys get together again. Have her prove to you that this time it is gonna be different. I can only imagine what you are going through and I hope this was helpful.
You let her back in when she has a sponsor and after she has worked the first four steps of AA. Not until then.
You'll know she has done it by talking to her. Of course, you need to get a Big Book (AA Recovery book) and learn the steps so you can ask her questions just during conversation that will tell you whether or not she is working the steps. Ask her about her sponsor; offer to go to a meeting with her. There are lots of ways for you to know.
If she doesn't have a sponsor and isn't working the steps, she's not serious and she stays out of your lives.
If you are wondering if she is really going to meetings-go with her.
Next, reading about al-anon is wonderful, but go to some meetings.Has she harmed your children while she was watching them? even worse, not remembered? You are enabling her if you do not identify the injuries she has placed on them and swept it under the rug, you are enabling her if you are putting her into bed, cleaning up her puke and placing a blanket over her and acting like nothing happened and you are hurting your own wonderful body with anger over this. If she is a liar then she may not stop but if you do not permit her to pretend like nothing ever happened. For a time you may need distance, not to 'teach her or show her' but for your own mental health. But if she is choosing to continue this life she is on you are not in control. Read books, talk it out and go to meetings and they will tell you to turn it over to your higher power. This might be the day to start. Here's a superhug, so sorry you are going through this.
I really think you need some theraputic help, maybe more than AlAnon. You have justified anxiety over letting her around you and your kids. But you also have a history which is making you resentful and defensive - again justifiably so!! But, speaking from experience, all these feelings muddy the waters and keep you from being objective. You ask when to let her back? You will probably NEVER feel okay with it because of your past and your internal anger. You need to deal with the stress this is causing you so you can stop letting it dominate your life. You are putting a lot of pressure on yourself, and there are ways to cope with that, totally aside from dealing with your mother.
But a therapist can also help you set reasonable criteria for judging your readiness for allowing her back, and criteria for judging that she has made progress.
Now, I don't know how AA works or if she is in therapy herself outside of AA. But if I were in your shoes, I would want evidence that she is making good progress. I would want her to give permission for her therapist or sponser or meeting organizer to speak with you about her progress. Not the details of her work, but if she is safe and sober. Courts can mandate AA, and I think you should be able to also and get a reporting of her attendence at least.
Echoing others, but you must must must get to AlAnon. You will learn how to set boundaries and keep yourself ok. This doesn't always mean cutting her out of your life, you can still have boundaries with her in your life, sober or not. I can relate, but on a smaller scale. It is a hard thing to negotiate and maintain a relationship that is difficult like this. And it is easy for us to read your post and say that you might be better off with distance. That is SO much easier said than done, and it might not be what you want or what you need to do. Again, AlAnon teaches boundaries. Your job is to take care of you and your family, not manage your M.'s addiction. You can love her in spite of this. Please go to a meeting, the support is unparalleled. Big step, I know. But go! Good luck and God bless.
