Anxiety When Separted from Children

You Ok unless you become like my dear friend, the problem was when her children started to grow up, let me explain.

Her son was 2 years older than the middle child (daughter) and their youngest daughter was a year younger than her other daughter.
When the children were younger it was not as noticeable as when her son started school. When her son was in fifth grade she was still walking him right to his class room door and would come back to the school at recess times for all 3 of her children. She finally decided she was going to home school all three of them so they would be with her at all times. The children were never involved with anything outside the home unless she could be involved with the activity. She made extra money by have a small day care in there home so the day care children were their only friends.
Her son turned 18 last year. He really has no friends and his sisters just sit around the house because how can you make friends when mom has to be by your side all the time. It was expected if you made a friend, that friend had to be willing to let the other 2 be involved with activities. How many friends do you think they had?
I saw them this last month when her son turned 19 years old. He had no job, was not going to school and still stood right by moms side with his 2 sister standing right behind.

She told the children if they get married the whole family will just move to a bigger house and that way she could have her children and grandchildren close by. Don't want anything to happen to any of you. It is pretty scary.

Our friendship fell apart years ago, because she was just to weird for me. Her husband thinks all is OK as long as she waits on him hand and foot.
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I always had a little anxiety when our son was younger but I realized that I had to let him be himself. that ment camping, Royal Rangers, playing football, wrestling, karate and so on. I had to learn to trust that the Lord was watch out after him and that we had taught him well.

Hi L.,
Have you spoken with your OB/GYN about your anxiety levels? Since post-partum has become more accepted as a "real" thing that requires attention, I feel that my OB has become more educated about the subject. He routinely asked me about my thoughts and anxiety levels as part of my post-partum exams. Your doctor should either be able to help you measure your anxiety levels him/herself, or be able to refer you to someone who can. If you are recognizing in yourself that your anxiety seems excessive or that it is distracting your ability to go through your day normally, it is worth getting checked out. My family has a lot of anxiety problems. I don't know if you are a big believer in medicine, but I am, mostly because I have seen it work. There are a lot of effective anti-anxiety medications out there, and many coping mechanisms you can learn if you are not a meds-fan.

One other interesting thought I heard on the topic - when my daughter was about 5 months old, I had a lot of terrible dreams about her. She was falling off a truck on the highway, her stroller rolled into traffic, someone snatched her, someone shook her, etc. Like you mentioned, every bad news headline or clip would run through my thoughts and dreams. In speaking with my peers about this, everyone agreed they visualized something bad happening to their child at some point. One of the moms had heard a theory that all mothers do this as a protective measure. We envision bad things happening to our children so that we will be "rehearsed" if anything ever happens in real life. That way we will be able to act swiftly and effectively instead of freeze up. Not a reason not to talk to your doctor, but I thought it was interesting.

Remember, if you are doubting going to the doctor for yourself, do it for your kids. They pick up all their cues from you. If you are dreading kindergarten for your son already, he is going to sense that something is wrong from you and will start to feel panicked as well.

Good luck,
Mary-Claire

Hi L.-

Good for you for knowing enough to ask for help! I definitely think that you should talk with a professional. Your behaviors are extreme and could be the result of Postpartum. Please get help before your "morbid" thoughts become real. I would also encourage you to share your Mamasource request with your hubby or a dear friend who can help you through this. The worst thing you can do is keep this to yourself.

I hope this helps and I hope that you are able to find help.

Good luck.
N.

As a mom I can certainly relate to your thoughts. I have had thoughts like that go through my head too. You cannot let them stay in your head and you cannot let yourself think them through or you will never have a moments peace in your mind. If they are pervasive and interfering with a normal life as they are, then you do need to see someone before they take over. You could end up completely handicapping youself with such thoughts and become extremely anxiety ridden, which is good for no one. I realize all moms will worry, but it can get out of control. With myself, I just made myself think of something else, think of an opposite good thought, reasoned about how slim the chances of something happening, and how I never heard of such a thing happening in real life. Also, keep busy with something that will occupy your mind and body. It does take a consious effort to change your thoughts, but it can be done. Your children will be just fine. I also learned that sometimes accidents or things happen, but if I just prepare for them, not expect them, think that I will deal with that if need be, that I can't control everything, etc., then I can be more at peace day to day.

I think every Mom worries a little, but if it is interfering with normal every day life it would probably be good to talk to a therapist. I have horrible visions of falling down the basement stairs with my 4 month old in my arms. I leave him upstairs if I need to run down there for any reason. I also worry about my almost 5 year old falling into the deep end at the pool, so I don't let her walk by the edge near the deep end. I don't have these thoughts every day, just every so often (or when I need something from the freezer in the basement)

Hi L.,

I am the same way. I'm so glad it's not just me, that makes me feel alot better, and hopefully you in knowing that you are not alone. I really don't have any advice except to try and think positive thoughts when your children are away from you, just to try and stay sane while they are gone. That's what I do if my mind starts overloading with worry. Good luck!

Meg

I would talk to your doctor or a counselor about this. I suffered from anxiety attacks for years before I realized what they were and now I know how to keep them at bay. In some cases doctors even prescribe medication. If your little guy is only 5 months, I bet your hormones are still a little off, so it may get better soon. Don't hold this all inside. See if someone can help you.

Hi L.,my opinion is your absolutelty normal!!!I am the same way and other moms I talk to who stay home with their children are the same way.We are their only caretakers so it only makes sense.As long as you allow them to leave you and you arent being obsessive about it,the thoughts you have are perfectly normal!I have a very hard time letting my children go with others.I need a break so bad but when they leave I panic and think all sorts of horrible thoughts!They dont know it though,they go have fun while I worry till I'm sick!It's normal!A. mommy to 4:)

i think what you are feeling is very normal. you have been home with your kids for their whole life right? and they are still very young and you worry because they can't really fend for themselves in this big world we live in. once you have gone through the first few months of your son going to kindergarden i think you may feel better. it's not easy to let go of your baby and trust that someone else will do as good a job as you do to keep him safe. you don't worry about your husband as much because he is an adult and is capable of taking care of himself. i work for 911 and i know the horrible things that go on in the city, so i feel your pain.....my daughter is 6 and son is 4 and we have one on the way. i felt the same as you but i drive my daughter to school and walk my son down the street to his daycare. i still have anxiety about leaving them, but seeing them come home with stories of new and exciting things they have done and seen helps me realize that they are having fun and i can relax a little. try and preoccupy yourself when your son is not at home....that may make the time go by faster and when he gets home encourage him to share his stories with you. good luck

L.-

I have three kids also (4, 2 and 6months). I can worry about them a good deal too. From what you've described however, it seems like it's getting a bit out of hand for you.

I have noticed that I need to be very careful about what I watch, and read about. I do not watch the news, scary shows (even the law shows or mild scary stuff). And I need to watch what news stories I dwell on. These things are not good for me. I start playing out senarios in my head, and they aren't pretty.

I am realizing that it is me trying to take care of something that only God can. At some point we need to admit that we can't do it, we don't have the ability to keep our kids safe. We do the best we can, but God is the giver and sustainer of life.

I also noticed that with my first baby I had obsessive thoughts about her safety. I was afraid I would hurt her, even though I didn't want to. It could be postpartum stuff, so you may want to talk to the dr.

If you want to explore any of these thought further, please feel free to email me. I just had a few minutes and thought I would throw these thoughts out there.

I would seek out professional help. you may have an anxiety disorder. Dr. Laura Miller at Univ of Illinois is great. If you google her, you will find her contact details.

Hi L.,
Just wanted to say it never hurts to talk to a psychiatrist, especially if you find a good one. Of course you'll have to spend an hour away from your kids to do it, but it would probably be worth it for you, and I bet your family would appreciate it too. I know someone who expressed similar concerns to yours and was diagnosed with generlized anxiety. Just becoming aware of what's happening with the progression of your thoughts and why really seems to help. Best wishes!

L....I had to respond because my kids are away from me right now (Disney w/ my parents!!!) And I do know how hard it is to let go and trust that they will be ok. I will say, that it does get a little easier as they get older. My daughter is 9 1/2 and my son is 8. I am raising my kids to be strong and independent and make smart decisions for themselves and I have to one day trust that they will...on the flip side...there are so many things I do not want to let them do for fear that they will not be watched properly or get hurt (I suffered a broken neck as a baby resulting in 3 surgeries over 5 yrs at age 12 and 16 yrs old and also broke my leg at 25...makes me a little neurotic in my own kids safety!)

When the kids were younger, if they were away for too long and supposed to be back, I would get so nervous!!! Like you, I would fear that they were hurt or not being watched. I think it is normal, but it wouldn't hurt you to keep yourself busy when they are away from you...and have a good friend to talk to. If your anxiety seems too much to handle for yourself, then it wouldn't hurt to talk to someone and get on some anti anxiety meds just to calm your nerves. Being a parent is the hardest job ever and I constantly feel like I should be doing a better job or do things different, but when I talk to friends and some of my daycare parents (I run a daycare) I am comforted to know we are all alike! Hang in there and love your babies!!! They will be ok. (Kindergarten was tough for me, but 1st grade was even tougher!!! Smile and don't let the kids see your anxiety! They have enough to worry about w/out having to worry about mommy too!) Good luck!

Hi L.! I too worry about my children going out in to the world. Mine are still very young but when I think about them going out on there own, it definitely scares me. We hear so much about all the terrible things that happen everyday that I think anyone normal would worry. I think the trick is to try to have faith in those that you entrust with your kids and to not trust anyone that you have doubts about. Trust your instincts, they are always right. When your kids are out, maybe try to get your mind into something that you enjoy doing and when a thought pops into your head say to yourself that things will be fine, take a deep breath and dive back into whatever it is that you are doing. Try not to focus on the bad stuff that pops in your head. I can tend to let my mind get carried away to the point of morbidity too especially if I watched the news that morning and hear about all the weirdos that are out there. But remember, bad stuff has always happened it's just that we hear about it alot more with all the media outlets we have (tv, radio, internet, etc).
If you feel that you just can't seem to get your worry under control, you may be suffering from post partum and/or anxiety and I think it would be a good idea to just talk to your doctor and see what he/she thinks.

Don't beat yourself up about this. I was such a carefree bubble head until I had kids. The most I would worry about would be my husband driving to work in the morning. Made sure (and still do) to tell him to drive safe every morning. I could watch the news and brush off the bad stuff but since I've had kids. I worry a lot more about the stuff I see and read.

I hoped this helps a little. I feel so bad for you that you get so worried sick when they are out. I hope you are able to get some relief and know that you are not alone when it comes to the worrying. Just have to be able to try to keep it under control.

I am the same way. I have noticed that my morbid thoughts are the most horrible right before I get my period. The only thing that keeps me sane is prayer. I just give it to God and ask Him to take away these destructive thoughts. I ask Him to protect them and put my faith in Him and then make myself drop it. I also thank Him daily for keeping hubby and baby safe. I dislike being away from my little one, too. I also have a verse from the Bible that I say over and over like a mantra when I get really goofy! Scripture is powerful--don't underestimate it. Find a verse and use it. It will make such a difference in your life.
Also, I happen to know that the reason the enemy is able to get to me with thoughts like that is bc my dad left when I was really small and abandonment issues make this a struggle for me. What is at the root of these fears? Pray to God and ask Him to reveal that to you and then ask Him to come and speak the truth in the place where the enemy has lied to you and made you afraid. This works! God bless you! You can contact me anytime you need to in a private email and I will respond to you. Take care. Katie
P.S. A great book, slightly off topic but which you would probably find a great read, is I Saw the Angel in the Marble by Chris and Ellyn Davis. It's not what you think it's about...

I have younger children and I worry about my children too. I think every parent goes through this especially with all the news programs that we see about the scary things that do happen. You are also a stay at home mom - do you get out with friends or do things for yourself? Nonetheless, if these thoughts are excessive, I would seek the help from your dr. who can refer you to someone to talk to. You want your children to be safe and to learn safety but you don't want to pass along your fears to them. That's a burden they shouldn't carry. Best of luck to you.

That does make me think of PPD. Most parents are worried about their kids some, but over worrying about everything in the world seems a bit much. You may be just on burnout from pregancy and kids for the past 6+ years. Try to talk to someone professional about it.

Take care,
H.

Hi L.!

I have had similar problems myself- I'm not typically away from my kids too much these days but I still have massive paranoia at times- mine typically hits me in the evening when I'm trying to sleep... my mind just starts racing the same way and I start freaking out to where I can't sleep thinking about what could have happened today, what could happen as I'm sleeping, what could happen tomorrow, etc etc. It happens more often when my mom or some friend has told me some horror story in the news about kids or when I've watched too much crime stories on TV.

I don't think it's part of postpartum depression- I think it's really just normal unfortunately. I talk to too many moms who have the same going on in one way or another who haven't had babies recently so...

My best advice and what helps me is just be as safe as you possibly can, try to avoid the news and horror stories people tell (I've actually gotten to where I'll cut someone off if they try telling one, letting them know I'd rather hear about something great that's happened to someone instead), and most important- do whatever it takes to get the bad images and scenerios out of your head- I truly believe if you think about them too often and let them rule your mind- you can potentially pull them into reality. Try instead to envision everything you WANT to see happen- welcoming them home with an enourmous hug and hearing about something great that happened to them, envisioning them grown and graduating school (putting survival and life out into the future), etc.

Above all, know you are normal and there is no reason to feel there is anything wrong with you.

Hope this helps!

A.

I completely understand what you are going through. When my youngest was about 1yo, I started to have the same thoughts. About my kids, my husband and even myself. I was so terrified that I would get some terminal disease and then who would take care of my kids. I started to have anxiety attacks. Talking about this now is all in hindsight. At the time I had no idea what was going on with me. I went to the doctor and she suggested that I had postpartum depression. She suggested medication, which I was completely against at the time because I was nursing. She then suggested that I see a mental health counselor. I was in complete denial. How could I have postpartum depression now, my son is 1 already. I never went to the counelor and "put up" with my feelings for a long time. I was miserable. Eventually I began to feel "normal." Like I said, I was in complete denial about having depression/anxiety. Now that I have learned more about it, I look back and realize that is exactly what I had and I wish that I would have went through with the counseling, I really could have used some help.

I would talk to your doctor, if you are against meds, there are other ways to help. Don't wait it out like I did. Good Luck.

Some worry is normal but can develop into a habit of fearful thoughts.
I experienced this as a result of a chaotic childhood. I also had postpartum depression after my second & third child. I learned to interrupt my thought patterns with affirmations & self-hypnosis. A therapist recommended the book YOU CAN HEAL YOUR LIFE by Louise Hay & also referred me to a hypnotist.
Wishing you peace.

Yes, it's normal. I know lots of moms who've expressed similar sentiments. And you're a stay-at-home mom, so your kids really are the bulk of your job. Letting them go every day to school or wherevever, while ironically part of your job, is going to be nerve-racking until you get used to it.

I work at a school and I'd have to say bussing is our biggest headache. Think about it; one driver for all those kids and the driver's focusing on driving so he can't also focus on supervising the children the whole time. It is a little nerve-racking That's why some parents don't let their kids ride the bus. On the other hand, they always wind up ok; as children we were also bussed with one driver for lots of kids before they even knew about seatbelts, and we are all ok. Why don't you call the school and express your concerns with kids standing up when you see the bus go by? Surely they can do something about that. It's possible the driver might not even know the kids are standing if they're in the back of the bus.

Can you get yourself into some distracting activity to do while the kids are away from you? So you could both be productive and not worry as much? But if the kids are 5 and under really what you're feeling is very normal. If you think it borders on abnormal then you can see a therapist, but I know lots of moms who feel like you do. What does your husband think of this?

Good luck. It'll take time but you'll get used to it, and if you channel your worries toward something productive like doing something for your children while they're away-- a project of some sort-- that'll help. Just keep reminding yourself that you were away from your parents all day as a kid and you turned out ok, just like the other hundreds of kids all over the state who do the same and are fine. Good luck!

Dear L.,

I understand your anxiety. To a degree, I think as mothers we do worry more about the safety of our children which can lead to unpleasant thoughts. Honestly, this may sound kind of strange, but I handled many of my anxieties by using Dianetics technology. I suggest getting and reading the book Dianetics: The Modern Science of Mental Health by L. Ron Hubbard. You'll see for yourself what I'm talking about. Good luck.

Definately talk to somebody about this. In my opinion this thinking is a bit extreme. I can see being worried about sending the kids away to camp for a week, and the school bus thing...I hate those too, so I drive my daughter to school. But the constant worrying and pacing until they get home and the morbid thoughts, I think ARE a greater scale of worry. Get help! You do not want to go through the rest of your life with that much worry and stress hanging over you! I hope it is just postpartum and you will be back to normal soon. Good luck!

Hi L.,
Boy can I relate! I have had much anxiety over leaving my daughter. For the first 18 months of her life I left her maybe 4 times, these were for doctor and dentist appointments. I felt I couldn't trust anyone to care for her, I would be sitting in the dentist chair waiting for the call from the hospital! At some point, I too realized this was unhealthy and on some good advice, I started "baby steps". I would leave her with her gramma for an hour each day to go workout at our local gym. It was difficult at first but I want to raise a mentally healthy, independant child so I kept at it. Now I can leave her without too many worries. I know we are both better off if I can occasionally leave her and get out. Good luck and it is definitely good that you're understanding this isn't a healthy attitude. Feel free to contact me if you need moral support, I understand what you're going through!

A.

I would seek some help on this from a doctor or therapist. If you can not relax and enjoy yourself when your kids are not around that is not good for your well-being. I understand worrying, we all do that. It is how it is consuming you that concerns me. You mentioned the ppd, did this come about since your youngest was born?

Good luck!

L.-
I think because you have asked these questions to yourself and now on mamasource, you realize it is not normal because these thoughts seem to have really take over your life. It might be a good idea to talk to your doctor about it and/or possibly see a specialist. You have nothing to lose by seeking help and it will help your children as well.

Hi L.,
I can relate but not quite to the same degree. I too am a "worrier" but I have learned to let a lot of the worry go for my sake and my kids. It has become easier for me as my kids have gotten a little older. ( 6yrs and 8 yrs) There is a quote that I often think of when I am "freaking out" and beginning to worry.

"I have had many tragedies in my life, most which have never happenend"

The other thing I would suggest is talking to your primary doctor about your worries.

Good luck and I wish you peace

V.

L.,

I think you are totally normal as many mothers including myself worry about their children's safety. It is natural to be fearful for your child. In my honest opinion though, I think you should bring these fears up with your doctor. Stress and worry can have a profound impact on a person's mental and even physical health. You should not have to suffer with these thoughts if they are becoming so intrusive that they handicap you from doing things you would otherwise love. I myself suffered from an anxiety disorder for years before seeking help. I worried about every little thing and fear controlled my life. I constantly lived in a state of panic thinking about what can go wrong. Everything came to a head when I became pregnant with my daughter and I finally told my doctor about my issue. He put me on a mild anxiety medication (Buspar) and put me in contact with a psychologist to talk to and really explore what was going on. Two years later and I am off the medicine and almost anxiety-free. Everyone has bad days! I am not trying to say you have the same thing as I did or that you will need medicine. I just want you to see that you aren't alone and that it never hurts to get checked out. It very well could be related to your last pregnancy and the post-partum. Do yourself and your family a favor and seek advice from your doctor. A happy and healthy mom and wife will benefit everyone.

Check with the bus company and let them know up front of your concers because you've seen children standing...the bus driver needs to be repremanded! You're childs health is in risk. We can't protect our little ones from everything but we sure can help with safety issues and teaching them about " Mr. Stranger Danger".thru the police departments. Good luck mom...glad mine are grown!