After weeks of good days, we had a really bad day at preschool today. My 4 year-old was fighting with another kid, was disrespectful to the teacher who tried breaking it up, and threw a wooden block at a friend and hit her in the head. He's had bad days before...not this bad though. His teacher was pretty upset this time. It's been a tough week behavior-wise all together. It sounds like a little girl was teasing him. It doesn't take much of that to get under his skin. Instead of crying, whining, or asking for help when dealing with this, he gets angry! He scrunches up his face real tight, points his finger, and yells. He just goes from 0-60 in no time flat. If someone doesn't intervene quickly, it goes to blows. He'll hit or throw things. I'm starting to see this in my 2 year-old now so I need some help before we get in too deep.
I'd like to research some good ways to help diffuse his anger when things aren't going his way and I need a good way to reprimand this type of behavior. I like to read up on things so any book suggestions would be great. We currently use time-outs, take toys away, etc. It's just not working. We did start napping again and he's missed 3 days now on top of not having much of an appetite-but that's not too unusual. Any suggestions?
Thank you for all of the great answers. I really think he doesn't have the words to express his anger nor does he know how to deal with it. I am excited to hit the library tomorrow!
I do try to find time when he's quiet and calm to talk things out with him. i try to ask him how things make him feel and encourage him to keep talking. I know a lot of the male figures in his life have been very busy the last 2 weeks so he hasn't been getting the attention he's used to. Hopefully with all of the suggestions and getting back on track with Daddy time (he's been working a lot), and Grandpas getting home from trips, we'll get back on track. Thanks!!
A couple of weeks ago a kindergarten teacher mentioned 123 magic at an open house I was attended for my older child. I got in the car to go home and NPR was doing a story on it as well. We just got it from the library today so I have not yet gotten into it. But I took it as a sign. I actually have the video. They have one for normal everyday disapline issue and another for the more difficult and extreme.
Read "The Explosive Child" by Ross W. Greene and "Raising Your Spirited Child" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. Not everything will apply, but they have helped us immeasurably. I have a 4 year old with a short fuse who is VERY dramatic. Both of these books have great suggestions!
Julie B. had a great suggestion--The Explosive Child. It describes my daughter perfectly. She can also go from 0-60 in no time--over things that seem really silly sometimes too. It's called having low-frustration tolerance and he needs help to learn how to problem solve and how to deal with the feelings that get in the way of problem solving. It's not his fault and it's not your fault. You can't punish him out of reacting this way because it isn't in his control. Sounds like you've already figured that out though. Good luck. Kids like this are challenging but there is hope!
to me, it sounds like a problem with "impulse control." And him not being able to express himself, and him not knowing how to cope.... thus, teaching him "coping skills" for his frustrations would be good. But it takes practice and consistency. Like anything else.
Punishments/discipline of course are in order... but, a kid does not always respond to that. It can just make them more angry... thus feeling resentful. Thus, more angry.
Thus, using punishments are treating the "symptom", not the cause. Like a band-aid.
How does he feel about himself? Is he a confident child? Self-assured? Does he know how he feels and can say it? Perhaps teach him words for his feelings and help him 'learn' how he feels... otherwise, kids get all frustrated because they don't understand their feelings. Then once they know their feelings, they can say it, you validate them, then give him ALTERNATE ways of venting it. Like: hitting a pillow, telling someone, letting him yell in his room but not AT people etc.
Have you talked with him, meaning just seeing how he is feeling or what is in his head? Not lecturing him, but just let him talk stream of thought... to see what is going on... in him.
You might also keep making sure he naps. Tired kids, create fussy kids and they can't cope.
Make sure he is eating... because if not, it makes some kids just fussy... and moody.
Also, if he is teased... then teach him ways of coping too. ie: telling the Teacher to get help, teach him the actual words for saying it, tell the other kid "stop that's not nice..." , or find someone else to play with. etc.
He is 4... and if he is not able or learning how to cope with his feelings.. then it will continue to be a problem. Punishments alone, will not work.
It will take time, for him to un-learn his anger reactions, and to then react in a different more positive way.
My daughter is 7 and in 2nd grade. She has a classmate, JUST like your son. The Teacher has a real hard time with him, and the other kids just don't like him. He tantrums/cries/whines/gets angry for any little thing... or any 'unfairness' in his mind or if he is not first in line or not chosen for something, or if another kid has a turn before him, or if a kid comments about him etc. This boy is 7. And his reactions are still like that of a toddler. But by this age.. it is a "chronic" problem. His parents are real nice, but they don't address it, and just revolve around him. The Teacher feels drained because of him. But who knows what the problem really is, with this boy. The Teacher feels he needs counseling or something.
all the best,
Susan
I second Julie B's recommendations. They teach great strategies that don't pit you against your child in a battle of whose will is stronger. (IMHO this is such a dumb dynamic and I wish people would let this one go. Families are supposed to be about love and togetherness. -- these books will help you strengthen that.)
Hi L., a few quick thoughts before going back into session....
Berenstain Bears series (Get in a Fight, The Blame Game, etc.). Also, "A children's book about teasing" by Joy Berry. You can read these with / to him. I would also help him practice deep breathing exercises (maybe even do as a family) to help him calm down and best be prepared for when he finds hilmself angry. I would aso help him count to 10 and talk about how he is responsible for his actions (Johhny didn't make you do anything. You chose to be angry").
Of course, I am always looking at how he learned anger as well as recent changes and any unresolved issues within the family or at school. Positively reinforce every possible way he positively deals with his anger and encourage him to talk about it with you, teachers, etc. Good luck! S. A. K., MFT
http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/pages/Chino-CA/S.-A-K...
There is an awesome book I use in my practice with parents called Bad Attitude. Another one is The Only 3 Discipline Strategies You'll Ever Need. You can find that one at www.uncommonparenting.com. The Bad Attitude one you can read about at http://www.nourishmd.com/resources/favorite-reads/519-bad.... Hang in there! ~A., www.NourishMD.com
Have a New Kid by Friday by Dr Kevin Leman
Try reading, 123 Magic
yes. read Discipline with Love and Logic. It'll last you all the way through teenagerdom:)
Make sure you talk about conflict resolution w/ your child - give him ways to resolve things WITHOUT yelling or throwing, etc. Talk about ways he might have done it differently and encourage & acknowledge the alternative/good behavior.
Might want to pick up a copy of RAISING RESPECTFUL CHILDREN, too.
