Dear J.,
I know this is a late entry. Sorry....I was out of town.
I have been divorced 11 years. My son just turned 13. So, that tells you how great things were in my marriage. My daughter was 11 at the time. I did not date at all. I had my hands full with the kids and an ex who had me in court every time I turned around. I met a nice man at a bowling alley my friends owned. I was invited there for dinner. I was helping out in the bar and he asked me for my number. I refused to give it to him, but I accepted his. I called him about two weeks later and we got to know each other by phone. I talked to him for about 3 months and one day, when I knew he would be at work, I called and left a message. All I said was my phone number. He took me to dinner, etc, showed me his house and land and horse. I really liked him. I think it must have been 6 months before I ever introduced the children. They loved him right away. We had 4th of July and spent the night in his guest bedroom. He made us breakfast in the morning. It was great. Still more time passed before anything became intimately serious between us. We were together two years when he said he had to move to Arizona to take care of his elderly parents. It was devastating. I had hoped he would want us to go with him. But he left alone. His mother had a heart attack right after getting back there. She lived, but needed constant care. That was 9 years ago. His father died, his horse died, and his mother died this January. We still stay in touch and I have not dated anyone since. He may be moving back to California, so who knows? I just never wanted my kids to be thinking...Oh, who's coming to take mom out this time? I couldn't bear the thought of a cavalcade of different guys coming around. It's just too hard on the kids. My daughter is 22 and out on her own now so I still have a 13 year old boy at home. I would love for him to see me have a "family", but there is not a lot to choose from where I live. So far, I've been better off on my own. One one hand, I think I should have been remarried a long time ago. But the right person never came along. And I was in a very abusive marriage, so I"m in no mood to repeat that. I just think that my job is raising my kids. Men come and men go. I'd rather deal with all that when it won't affect my kids. Or maybe never. I have chosen to remain celibate and it really doesn't bother me. I have many wonderful men in my life who are fortunately married and their wives are my best friends. So, my kids and I get to be around devoted men and see how good they are to their own families.
I'm sure there is someone out there for me, but I'm not rushing it. And he'd have to be very, very special and serious about our relationship before I'd involve my children.
I would say definitely don't rush the introductions with your kids. Be upfront about having kids, etc, talk about them. Get to know how the guy really feels about getting serious with someone who has kids. Try all that on for size first. Then, maybe make arrangements for him to meet you at the park or somewhere that you will have the kids playing and introduce them to your "friend". You'll be able to get an idea if the kids like or dislike him or vice versa. But do it on neutral territory. Then, you can go from there. Some guys say they like kids, until they meet them. Some guys are just naturals and adore the kids. But do it in such a way that if it doesn't go well, it's not much more than someone you met at work or the store greeting you at the park. That way you can get a feeling for it and the kids don't have to be emotionally involved.
I'm sure you'll find someone. Just protect the kids' hearts because for every break up you go through, they go through it too.
Best of wishes!