Anyone Else with a 6 Year Old Teenager?

We have a daughter in the house like that. She has recently been diagnosed with ADHD and we are working on a diagnosis of bi-polar disorder. Bi-polar runs in my family, get him diagnosed as soon as possible and in the habit of taking his meds, if it is bi-polar disorder. My sister and father refuse to take their meds bc they can't drink with them and they feel "off" if they don't take their meds. I believe it is far better to start healthy habits when they kids and still pliable. If you wait too long and it is bi-polar, it will be a LOT harder to handle and change not so healthy habits.

CC

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Honey he is completely normal! Imagine my surprise when my perfect little angel of a sone back talked me for the first time after me all but calling the teachers at school liars for even suggesting that my baby would be disrespectful! He very rarely gets into trouble at all but he has to assert his independence every once in a while and that is ok as long as you handle it in the appropriate way. Like letting him know that that kind of behavior is not acceptable. I have 6 children 4 girls and 2 boys. Both my boys were angels until about age 6 then they decided they were grown lol-the girls were grown from day one lol.

My 5 y/o daughter does this too. I've identified that she doesn't do it as much when she's well-rested. Sadly, her Kindergarten teacher doesn't believe in naps. My daughter fights naps anyway, but man does she need one daily! You can look at her face and tell she's exhausted. Towards the end of the day is when she's most cranky and defiant and sometimes she'll just scream and yell at us. Sometimes we go the Love and Logic route, and others we're at our wits end and we yell right back at her. Regardless, we usually end up taking her upstairs to her room/her safe place until she calms down. It's very frustrating to see her acting this way, but I think it's a combo of not knowing how to deal w/ anger and being tired and cranky. I get the same way when I don't get enough sleep. Anyway, I think it's normal and sometimes can be attributed to lack of sleep, low blood sugar, and inability to know how to deal w/ emotions in a healthy way. If possible, you might try counting him to 3 and at 3 you silently carry him to his room/safe place or whatever you wanna call it and he can stay there until he can be nice or whatever words you wanna use. This works w/ our daughter. I'm hoping soon, she'll be able to sense when she's getting angry and will go to her safe place w/o prompting. Sometimes even I have to go to MY safe place...lol. I know this was written a few years ago. Would like to know how things are going now?

My 13 year old son was like this when he was younger...i found it best to ride out the storm and let him vent his emotions...it was only a phase for my son. he acted more like a "teenager" then than he does now.

Yes! I will be anxious to see what the response is for you. My 6 yr old son can be the same way. I began to notice it when he turned 3, it just seems to be getting a little more intellectual now. He is even bossing his sister (4) around like HE is the parent now.
I correct him and tell him he is not the one to give her instruction. I know a lot of this is being the oldest (I am the oldest of my siblings too, so I try to remember that). I will be curious to read some of the recommendations. Sorry I don't have a lot of advice at this point b/c I am going through it too :)
Good Luck,
A. H

Hi M.,

I don't have a six year old teenager, just a five year old teenager. I completely understand how you feel. It can be very frustrating at times. One thing I try to explain to my son is that it is OK to have these feelings of frustration, anger, and sadness. He just has to learn how to communicate his feelings in a constructive way. Most of the time when I validate his emotions the tantrums stop within a reasonable amount of time. I want him to grow up and be a strong and sensitive adult and learning how to deal with his frustrations is a key element. Also, I try to put myself in his shoes and see things from his perspective to understand why he is frustrated so I can better explain to him why things are the way they are. I hope this is helpful to you. You are not the only one with an eye-rolling, WHATEVER!!! kinda kid.

J. (and if that doesn't work we put in a kennel HAHAHAHA)

M.- I am a mother of 3 now teenaged boys who are very close in age like your sons. What your little guy is doing is normal. Mine did the same thing (yes, all three of them went through this!). I believe what is happening (not an expert, just a mom) is that your little man is transitioning from "little boy" to "big boy" and there are some ego and turff issues his little body/mind is going through.
My advice to you, as one who has done this and found that it works, is to help your guys to go through this stage understanding who they are and who they are becoming. Disrespect is not OK. Teach them that it is ok to express themselves, but respect is a must. They also need help in understanding themselves and the responses they WANT to have in various situation verses how to respond with maturity....This will require great patience, persistence on your part as well as demonstrating what respect for authority looks like in your own life (ouch! this is a hard one for me too!). You will make it! And remember, this 'season' is coming again when they become pre-teenish. Do not forget, you are not called to raise little boys, you are called to raise men who will be confident and sure and strong men of integrity.
Blessings to you and your precious family. Moterhood is a high calling for sure.

Hi M.,
I can appreciate your problem! Here is some great advice I received from moms I respect.
Enjoy the good behavior and be prepared for the bad. My 5 year old is GREAT, however, when she has lost it, there has always been a reason behind it. Kids, mine included, will test you every once in awhile to figure out their boundries. I have done so much research on discipline and it all comes back to the same foundations. Make sure he knows who is in charge, be consistent with the punishment when he is bad as he'll learn consequences and make sure you nip any disrespect in the bud. My kids have tested me and I couldn't believe how well these basic rules worked. The kids LOVE it as they know they have parents who care and, most important, are in charge!! No child wants to be the head of the household.
I do want to say that another important plan is to keep an open line of communication with your children. Ask your son why he's getting so upset. If he says no reason, tell him he's not allowed to disrespect you. Let him know he can trust you if he has a problem at school or home; otherwise, he needs to keep cool. I'll play communication games with my daughter to start conversations about different issues. Role playing is another good idea. I've never seen two happier kids since I've received that great advice.
Good luck!

Dear M.,

I don't know if it is "normal stuff" but, I had the same thing with my son when he was 6. He ended up having mono. I was at my wit's end with him and I decided that I was going to take him to the peditrician and if he was healthy then I was going to take him to a child psychologist because he would just lose it and act so out of control and I couldn't seem to get him to get control of himself through any form of punishment or even by trying to calm him down. It was like he was on a rant whenever things didn't go the way he thought they should. Anyway, he is 8 now and he will occasionally act the same way. It seems like it always happens right before he comes down with something (cold/flu). It's so frustrating to deal with because I can't stand it when he acts like that but, I do think with him there is a correlation. He acts badly when he feels bad. He is an extremely active child and always busy playing. He doesn't like to sit around very much. Anyway, I have experienced this but, I haven't been able to alleviate it. I talk to him a lot about being in control of his words as well as his behavior. It's such a hard thing because most of the time he is a sweet, kind hearted kid. I wonder sometimes if it's not his temperment and the way that he deals with adversion. I keep hoping that he will mature out of it because he is definitely better about it. I have had other Mom's tell me that boys get better with maturity but, girls get worse (during the teenage years). I have a daughter also who is 12 1/2 and I see the signs of it. Anyway, I DO wonder about his diet. He does have allergies. So, far I haven't tried anything more than trying to keep him away from caffeine and limit his sugar. I do this just for good health reasons mainly. Good luck. If you find a magic solution, I'd be interested!

My boys are 4 and 5 (12 months apart!), and we sometimes see this behavior with the younger one. My husband and I think he's just testing his boundaries, seeing what's acceptable and what's not, and sometimes he has trouble getting back out of the bad attitude. We think the best thing to do is make it quite clear to him that that behavior is not acceptable, that you don't treat other people that way. When he acts that way and can't calm down, he gets a timeout in his least favorite place -- away from the rest of us.

However, I think the groundwork we've been doing when he's NOT acting ugly is what's helping the most. I talk to him about HOW he tells us what he thinks. I show him the difference by imitating him (also exaggerating and being a bit over-the-top and silly about it) then expressing the same view nicely, respectfully, and with polite words. I tell him we want to hear what he thinks but it's HOW he says it that makes the difference. I'm hoping this message might stick enough to help when he gets older too!

Good luck!

Hi M.

My gosh you have just described our 6 year old son! We went to a parent group last month and was relieved to hear other parents with the same 6 year old behaviour. It is troubling to have a 6 yr old teenager. We're trying to keep calm (not easy), be consistent, and have found that lots of praise when all is good and taking time to talk about the behaviour has helped. He knows what is appropriate behaviour but seems to make snap decisions that turn him in to someone else. He is really responsive when we take the time to calmly talk about the situation. That said, it also works better when we've calmed down (me included) and had a few minutes apart to think. I don't remember this strategy all the time, especially in the heat of the moment but have found when I do the response is good,

Hi M.,

It is natural for your six year old son to behave this way. I know people don't feel this works, but believe me it does. I have five kids of my own. Ranging from 14 to 5. Each one of them went thru this stage and are still going thru it.
Everytime my kids got out of hand although it wasn't often. Bend to their level where you two are eye to eye. Say firmly of what you will do if they continue to act in that manner. Explain to them why that type of behavior will not be tolerated and then remove something they love for the moment. I know it may sound corny, but try it the next your six year old behave like that. If it doesn't work. Let me know.

AGGHH!!! You and me both! I just got called down to his school yesterday for him lipping off teachers after being really mean to a little girl in his class (he said something that was absolutely appalling to me and I never expected out of a six year old's mouth). We are so frustrated with him that we made the decision yesterday that he now loses all privileges (toys and every thing have been removed from his room, no tv, no play outside with friends, no computer, no field trip in school, nothing) and he can earn it back a bit at a time with good behavior and NO LIP!!! With us it has been happening more and more frequently and we can't stand it anymore. We also get the "sour grapes" response when we remove something, which is really frustrating (you know, the "I didn't really want it anyway" response). He also brings up his siblings in the context of "How come they don't have to do this?" (they are 4 and 1). I think my sister went through some of this with her boys too at this age. From what I've heard they outgrow it, although I don't know if that means they learn through repeated consequences or they just mature, but we're going with the first option.

I think the question would be if his behavior changes with consistent application of discipline. If you make the ground rules of what behavior is acceptable, encourage correct behavior, and the behavior continues after the consequences, I would say that he is struggling with the not having correct skills to manage his behavior and may have health related issues that are causing it.

For example, many children (especially boys right now) do to not have proper transitioning skills and also lack the coping skills to calm themselves once they are forced to do something they are not comfortable or ready for. THIS IS NOT A PARENTING PROBLEM, but by taking actions to support them and heal the physical issues causing it, you are the one that will make the difference.

You may want to consider having him evaluated by one of the awesome developmental therapist at www.floortimeatlanta.com. They are incredible and so helpful at giving you support systems to help him through those moments when he seems to be out of control.

Also, many kids that are sensitive to casein (milk proteins) or gluten (wheat, barley) have amazing behavior changes when these are removed from their diet. If he is a picky eater or an overeater, this could certainly be the case. You can read more about this in the book by Kenneth Bock, MD called "Healing the Childhood epidemics". There are tons of websites you can search GFCF diet or others that can give you lots of info. If you see a difference, there of lots of doctors who work in the field of biomedical treatment like Bock.

In my opinion, this is not OK for the child if it does not respond to a short period of consistent support and discipline. He is showing you he needs help.

From another mom who has been there, J.

here is a question to ask yourself- do you ever have a bad day? Do you ever feel like crying, screaming, or just throwing a fit? Ok- now take that answer and deduct the ability to constantly control your temper (if indeed you always do)- you have a child.. or at the very least a human. Point is- yes it's normal- and yes- you should be concerned. Part of your job is to teach him to control his emotions so that he doesn't explode. Talking may help, discipline may help, or he may need an activity to help him release anger and energy. But yes- it's normal.

Yes, I too have a 6 year old teenager. It's very scary. Just like your son, he's normally very kind and respectful but he has his moments when he's mean to his little brother. He screams at him and tells him to leave his room. It's very upsetting to his younger brother who idolizes him.

My son wants to relate to older kids so badly. He talks about wanting to drive, being in a band, having "grown up" hair cuts and girlfriends. Ugh! He even writes reports for school about being a teenager.

I can only imagine what the actual teenage years will be like.

I think this is normal behavior in some children. My son has never acted like a baby. We also never treat him like one. I just accept him for who he is and remind him that his actions have consequences.

You are not alone with your experiences. I hope that makes you feel a little reassured.

First some good books:
These two will give you some practical suggestions for day-to-day situations:
"How to behave so your Children Will, too!"
and "Positive Discipline"
(Both of those books have versions for preschoolers, too.)
More important though, the book "Raising Cain" will help you to understand what's going in his head, and why it's important to raise boys to be respectful, kind, caring adults without crushing their spirit, or breaking their will.

I have a 4 year old teenager sometimes! Sometimes he's the most mature, respectful, happy-go-lucky kid for weeks or even months on end, and then for no reason I can tell, just kinda goes super cranky. He can turn on a dime! And sometimes he completely loses his temper, but he's starting to realize he just needs to be alone for a few minutes to calm down. And he'll (sometimes) go into another room on his own, thankfully.

The sheer power of a young boy's rage is sometimes astonishing. And if I try to calm him myself (or otherwise stifle him), it usually just gets worse and lasts longer. I used to tell him to punch a pillow when he's mad, but my husband says research has shown that tends to gradually makes things worse, so I've started

It's not a punitive time-out, exactly, as in "Go to your room!" or "Time out" or whatever. Usually I will say something like "I need you to calm down before I can talk to you" or something (doesn't matter much, because he's not listening at that point. Just as long as I don't "lose it" and start yelling) And then I leave the room. If he REALLY wants to argue, he sometimes follows me.

If I *don't* leave the room, he will keep pushing and pushing, until I lose it, get mad at him, and then yell or say something mean to him. It's hard to control my emotions, but I keep thinking "I am the adult. I won't get sucked into his anger. Calm." I figure he's looking to me to model his behavior, and so I NEED to be able to handle my emotions when he's doing his best to push my buttons. (Now if he could read my mind, I'd be in trouble, because as I'm sitting there calmly, with my eyes closed, I may be imagining throwing him out the winda!)

A few nights ago, he lost his temper over something, and he left to go into his own room. I was grateful for the peace, and he seemed to calm down quickly, but he tore 2 pages out of our favorite story book. Five minutes later, he brought it in to show me what he had done. He was so ashamed and kept saying "I'm a bad kid." and put himself in a corner and wouldn't come out. We had a long talk about emotions and how sometimes people do or say something when they are angry and later they feel bad about it, and it's called feeling "ashamed". And it happens to almost everyone, at some time, even grown ups. Then we fixed the book together. I thought it was pretty mature to 'fess up to his mistake. When I was 4, I probably would've been embarrassed and just hidden the book.

Best of luck.

My boy who is 15 now had a horrible temper when he was 5-9. Like your son, it only happened once in awhile, but when it did, he was just as likely to hit and hurt someone as he was to hurt himself. It scared me terribly. As I watched him, I noticed that it mostly happened when he hadn't had any food in the past few hours. So, I started explaining to him that it was possibly his body making him act like this and as I saw a "bout" beginning to simmer, I gave him something to eat like a cookie or a granola bar or something like that. We did some other things too, like letting him hit pillows and break up boxes when he was angry so I still don't know exactly what did the trick or if it was me talking to him about it over and over, but by the time he was in second grade, Mr. Bad Guy was pretty much gone and now he's a wonderful young man. I think it was that at five and six he was too young to actually control the anger

Hello M.

understand your worries, but first I would like to clarify that thats not even a good/normal behaviour on a teenager. have you talked to his teacher? does he do this at school or only at home. kids need a lot of talk from parents. anytime he does this analyze what happened right before or if there is any particular circumstance that triggers this disrespectful behaviour. also it is very good for him to know that he is doing is not right. by holding the strings early on childhood, believe me, you will not have a disrespectful out of control teenager. good luck

He is testing you. I have a six year old daughter that pulls a disrespectful tone sometimes. Make sure you are being the parent and letting him know that that is not acceptable behavior. Do not yell and scream back, but do make sure he is being punished for the actions so he will remember it. A time out chair or quiet room time is usually suficient for my daughter because she hates being byherslef. So pick out something that will "get to them".
I have also found that the TV programs that little children watch have TOO MUCH bad influence on them. There is too much talking back and rolling eyes. I have to approve anything she watches and it does not include most stuff found on childrens networks in the afternoon. Best of Luck to you.

In another post on MamaSource, a mother suggested Love and Logic books for parenting techniques. I checked out Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood from our library and just finished it. It is excellent!!! www.loveandlogic.com. They specifically address the issues you are having. Perhaps this will help. Good luck!