Anyone Have a Teenager with Trouble Transitioning to Highschool?

I didn't read the other responses, so sorry if this repeats.

I teach 9th grade. This is totally normal. As I always say on back-to-school night, "If I knew how to get your children to start talking to you again, I'd bottle it and quit this job." : )

My best advice is to tell her that you'll accept whatever grade she gets in the class (above an F) and she has to decide what to do from there. I don't think that she can or should drop the course, but that doesn't mean she has to get an A. We expect high schoolers to be good at everything, but that's not a reality anyplace else in life. One low grade her freshman year will not hurt her chances for success anyplace else, and it's a good learning experience for her about both balance and her own personal expectations.

Good luck - she'll probably be back to her normal sweet self about 6 months before she leaves home : )

I think your husband is right that she needs a "teachable moment" here. It is hard growing up and facing increasingly difficult challenges on top of hormones! But, she has to learn that not everything in life is enjoyable and that sometimes it's not what we are doing so much as HOW we are doing it that makes a difference. Reassure her that receiving a grade less than an "A" is ok as long as she does the work with integrity and fulfills her obligations. And the tantrum behavior should warrant discipline - I think you did the right thing. Don't take the coldness to hard - she is likely embarrassed about her behavior, and, if I recall correctly, I think all teenage girls can be pretty harsh to mom. Just the way it goes. I recall in highschool that if I did not complete work during the week that my weekend activities were secured. I got to catch up, work ahead and do extra credit work! Gah!!

High School is a whole new ballgame and she is in a very tough program. IB / AP students are very smart and most realize that busy work is a wast of time and would rather not do the work.
I would suggest getting a student planner so that she can organize her time better it is a skill that she will need duing high school and the rest of her life. One thing that most schools do not teach is orginzatonal skills and study skills and for smart kids they really do not need those skills until it gets a little harder and more is required from them (like in High School or some kids college)
Remind your husband high school now is not the same as when he went more is required many classes resemble college and graduate school information and they expect the product the students produce to be on that level.
If it was me I would check with the school counselor and see if she can be taken out of the class and put into Study Skills or be a teachers aid during that class period (for another teacher) The stress on her and on you is not worth dealing with the busy work. I would not be saying this if it were a class that was needed for her IB program, but we are talking about an elective. Good luck.

Sorry this is long, but I have been there.

Your daughter really had a melt down.
She needs to take ownership of this whole situation. You need to grant her this ability. I have been there and it is very hard, but you have to do it for her sake.

Stay calm. have a cup of tea. Go to your own room and close the door. No longer ask about homework, no longer ask if she has started it, completed it or turned it in. Her grades need to be HER grades. If she gets some F's for the day, SHE needs to figure out how to get them adjusted or made up. So what if she gets a B or C every once in a while?
I always told our daughter, I would rather she get an B or C in a class that she was really challenged in rather than an A because it was easy.. We always asked her, "Did you do your best?"

Your daughter signed up for the IB program and I am POSITIVE they explained that there would be way more work and way more dedication needed to stay in that program.

She also signed up for the Journalism class. Guess what? Most electives in high school are not blow off classes. It may seem like busy work, but there are kids that take Journalism because they are seriously interested in this subject. Journalism is all about WRITING. Our daughter to a Home Ec Class and also had what she considered some busy work in there, but she treated it just like any other honors class so it could help her GPA.

Even if your daughter took Art classes in High school, the first semester contains a lot of reading about Art History with lots of reports. Kids are always amazed it is not just coloring and cutting..

She is in the big time now and I am assuming her high school is one of the top schools in your area. That means there is a lot of expectations from the community for these teachers and students to always be performing at their best. The first semester is tough, because it is an adjustment time.

Since she has breezed through school so far, she needs to go back and learn basic organizational skills and study skills. SHE needs to solve this, because she is the one that will have to do the work for the next 4 years.

I agree if she does not have a week on 2 page agenda, she needs to purchase one right away. She needs to learn to write down her assignments each class period with due dates. When she gets home she needs to have a snack and take out the agenda and organize how much time she will need for each assignment for the evening and begin tackling it based on these times.

She also needs to place the due dates for projects and reports in her agenda so she can have goals for completion along the way. The teachers no longer remind kids"that at the end of the week,, such and such paper will be due. It is just like college used to be for the rest of us.

If you all are sharing a computer, you need to let her know when and for how long you will be needing it each evening so she can schedule around it and she needs to do the same with you.

There will be times, that she may not be able to complete an assignment, so SHE will need to contact the teacher and let them know that she needs an extension. This is acceptable to most teachers. Brain storm with her when these things happen. "What do you think is a good way to handle all of this homework?" What is the priority for tonights homework? This weeks homework?" You said you had a big project (report) due soon, How can I help you with that? Do you need to put together a study group? Do you need to go to the library?

Her behavior is totally unacceptable. Yes, teenagers do become more emotional. They think they are all grown up, but until they can behave and react maturely, they are not grown up.

She still needs to show you respect. When she becomes frustrated, go back to the toddler days and tell her "use your words"." I need you to not use that tone". "I do not respond to that tone." Remind her to take a few minutes and just calm down and get her thoughts in order. Ask her if she would like a cup of tea. Maybe a bowl of fruit. This will give her time to settle herself down and find clarity in the situation.

This is not unusual for teens and especially teen girls.. Is she PMSing? I hate asking because it is not an excuse, but now that I am older I can admit that it really does have an affect on my behavior and I have gotten many women and girls to admit they know it also effects them. It is frustrating and embarrassing when we become over whelmed and we just lose it, but it is a real condition. She needs to track her days so she can be honest that on these days she will have to hold her emotions together even more. If it becomes really serious, she needs to speak with her Doctor about it.

Our daughter was a student at an exceptional High School. She was not in the top 10% of her class. She did take all Pre AP and AP classes. She also graduated with a special Diploma in Visual Art also. She was National Merit Scholar, she applied to 9 top tier colleges and was accepted to ALL of them.
She did not make all A's. That was not her goal. Her goal was to do her best.
She is now a Jr. (be still my heart) in College and loves it. She was totally prepared for the amount of work, she had great study habits. She still freaks out. We always remind her, "just do your best".

I know how you feel. It is hard letting them do this on their own, but you have to let her know you are there, but this is all about her. You know she can do this and you are willing to listen and help her find solutions, but in the end this is her education. I am sending you strength.

It's better she learn about over extending herself now than in collage. Especially for bright kids, they think everything will be easy for them and they can breeze through it all.
And then along comes that class that just shatters that idea. It shakes their whole view of themselves and where their place in the world is. A lot of self doubts pop up. She's mad at herself for choosing this class. She's mad at you for letting her. She's in that balking denial stage right now (I can get out of it, I can back out). And it's an uphill grind settling down to face the challenges and pull the occasional 'all nighters' to get the work done. It might be best if she can talk with her teacher and confide this is turning out to be harder than she thought it would be - not so as to seek an excuse or to ask they go easier on her - but to ask about an approach that would best help her effectively attack the work load. Sometimes there are ideas about working smarter and not necessarily harder that can really help. Sometimes there's nothing for it but to slog through as best you can.
Dealing with this class will be one of the biggest lessons she gets and learning how to deal with it she will carry with her for the rest of her life.

Time management is the hardest thing to master. She's only been in high school a short time and is feeling very frustrated. Welcome to real life... It's full of deadlines, cranky bosses, and late nights.
She needs to stay in that class. Turn it around and make it a challenge. Many times the teachers start the year with a ton of stupid busywork and then as the year progresses, they back off. A question I'd as your daughter is this: Does the teacher give you time in class to get some of this done? The answer might be telling...
We have always had this rule: You come home from school, get a quick snack, and start your homework at the dining room table or kitchen counter. No TV. No phone. No nothing until it's done.
My kids - both in high school AND in Marching Band have learned how to manage their time. They have rehearsal every day until 5:30. Many of them, including my kids, have other evening activities during the week. If they have 5 minutes, they sit and get some homework done. When I arrive at the school between the end of the day and rehearsal, all the kids are in the hallway with their noses in their books. Not one minute is wasted... ever. The band kids are notoriously the kids from the top of the class. They have learned to budget their time. She might want to watch them and see how they do it.
She needs to be reminded to do her work - make sure she fills in her planner. If she never had to manage her time, she doesn't know how. You need to help her. She's not going to like it, but that's too bad. Do not let her come home and veg out before dinner... Many times, if she just gets the homework done right when she gets home, she'll be done in time for prime time TV.
It is good that she has homework and has to study, because she'll have learned those skills before heading off to college.
YMMV
LBC

To answer your question, yes, this is normal for a 9th grader. This is a tough transition year. This may sound harsh, but you really fouled up by letting her stay home. Life doesn't work that way. When the going gets tough, you can't just pull the covers over your head and expect that will make all of your problems go away. Pre-school prepares you for elementary school, elementary school prepares you for middle school, middle school prepares you for high school, and high school prepares you for college or life thereafter. For the rest of her life, your daughter is going to have to deal with things she doesn't "like" to do. We all do. As her parent, it is your job to help her be the best she can be. If she chooses to stay home, waste the day away, and not do her work, well then she is going to have to suffer the consequences. When you make excuses for her (for example, if you write a note and tell the school she was "sick" and that is why she missed school) you are in essence modeling for her that it is OK to lie when she doesn't feel like going to school. If you raise a big stink at school by trying to get her out of a class that she doesn't like, you are teaching her that is all she needs to do in life whenever she doesn't like something or things aren't going her way. Are you going to do this for her when she gets to college and she doesn't like a professor? Yes, this is a teachable moment. Yes, she needs to stay in the class - if nothing else, to figure out for herself that she doesn't want to be a journalist when she grows up. A really good book about how to raise responsible children is Parenting with Love and Logic. I highly recommend it. And it's not too late to read it with a high school age child. If you want your child to make good decisions (even when you're not around), it really is a must-read. The other thing you might want to do is sit down and try to figure out what it is going to take for her to be successful in her journalism class. Has your daughter had a conversation with the teacher? Have you had a conversation with her teacher? I would try to find out what is really going on there. I taught at the high school level for several years and I seriously doubt a journalism teacher is giving enough homework to keep a 9th grader up until midnight. If the teacher truly is giving that much homework, then go from there. Find out what it is going to take to teach your daughter how to manage her time more effectively (and not by days off). HTH!

All my kids had a challenge moving from elem. to middle school and then a bigger challenge moving to HS class situaitons and homework.
This is where she figures out time mgt. skills. it is a BUMPY road til they figure it out.
I am reminded of a great quote I heard recently:

Parents, prepare your child for the path, don't prepare the path for your child.

With that in mind, if it were me, I would not let her stay home when she is stressed and frustrated. As you can see, she used the day as a "holiday" and when she goes back she'll be further behind. Don't let her talk you into it again.

Encourage her to stick with Journalism and do the best she can. She will learn a lot. She will get thru the initial conflicts/ differences she is having with the teacher. And she will feel much better about this later on when she has the satisfaction of tackling & surviving something really tough.

Sometimes there are things in this world you dont' want to do but have to. For her jounalism is one of those. I agree with hubby, she needs to stay in the class and get through it. She's in a regular class with regular kids doing busy work, she doesn't see the point.
Has she ever failed anything? This might be the time for her to get her first F. Tell her the consequences of not doing the work is failure and that is unacceptable, but (don't tell her this) she is in the safety of home not in college and can still recover. Set up some guidelines where can she do homework, when, can you or hubby help. Remind her that if she fails she will not make valedictorian. AP/IB students are usually the top 10 kids in the schools, she wants to be there.
Get her involved in a sports team, swimming, track, cross country, basketball. I know this might sound like rewarding her but they have to maintain a grade point average and cant' be failing classes. In NC swim teams have a reputation for kids having high gpa's. My daughter's swim team had the highest gpa of all sports teams in the state in 08-09. Talk about the peer pressure there, nobody wanted to be the one getting a D or an F.
And yes she is 14. She will try everything in her power to get you to bend and do things her way. Mine is 15.
I had a good friend years ago say to me when I was having issues with our now 21 yo. YOu have to just love them through it. Whatever it takes just love them through it. It isn't always easy.

Not all teenagers will act like this but some will. You have one who doesn't like journalism. It would be surprising if a child liked all of her classes and all of her teachers. Good for you in teaching her that she can't have life her way all the time. Sometimes she has to learn how to deal with the things in life that she doesn't like.

We heard this statement and it has really stuck with me: "Prepare your child for the path, not the path for the child." Continue to teach your child that you will help her prepare for the things in life that don't go her way but you will not remove all the obstacles and try to make her path smooth and easy.

Ask her what she doesn't like about the class. Ask her how she can make it less difficult. You get the idea. Show her that you will help her deal with life not try and fix it.

When she acts like a toddler, just walk away. You can't reason with her when she is in an unreasonable state. It is hard but these are the confusing days for a teenager. One minute she will hate your guts and the next she will need you to love on her. Don't think you can figure her out, just continue to let her know you love her no matter what. She will act like she doesn't want to hear it but inside she needs to know that there is that security in her life when everything is so confusing.

The more you are there for her, the better the chance is that she will come back to being that sweetheart before she leaves home. My strong-willed daughter did and I was shocked, so I know it is possible.

I taught HS for 38 years, and the transition to 9th grade is very hard for many kids. The smart kids are often used to making excellent grades without having to put forth much effort, and this typically changes.Helping her learn to be organized would be one gift you could give her. It is much too late to change a class, especially an elective. She will just have to "suck it up" and learn to deal with it. When my daughter or my students would tell me, "This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me in my life," I would reply, "Aren't you lucky?! You are getting the worst thing in your life over with now, and you don't have to worry about it happening later."
(They did not necessarily like to hear that.)
The most difficult year of my career (I was a single parent) was the year that I taught all 9th grade English classes and my daughter was a 9th grader! It required enormous amounts of patience 24/7. You are right to give her consequences. One thing that might be helpful is to let her help decide the consequences (as long as they are acceptable to you). She might have to make a rather bad grade in Journalism on her first report card; maybe seeing that along with her other good ones would get her attention.

Mom, our daughter has started HS too this fall and is a very strong student too academically like yours and it has been a pretty big adjustment as well, The homework load has not increased a great deal since there was plenty in 8th grade of middle school but homework it is harder she says. I would suggest you to encourage her to see if there are any afternoons that the Journalism teacher has set aside to help students after school, many teachers do this. Encourage her to go in and get help. Assuming there is also a guidance dept there too if she will talk to one of the counselors too who can give her pointers on managing her time better so she can get a handle on the homework. At our house we have had to set the rule of no texting at homework or study time since the cell phone can be such a big distraction. THe social aspect of all of the changes in HS too I imagine are coming into play. Our daughter's new HS is over twice the size of the middle school she attended , which had 1000 6-8th gr students alone. Also being around the juniors and seniors who seem considerably older has to be different too. Just try to keep the lines of communication open as best as you can and let her know you realize what she is going thru and give plenty of hugs when you can. When did school start there, it began here the first wk if AUgust. Now after almost 1 1/2 month things seem to be getting better for our daughter, she seems to be adjusting to level of difficulty of the homework and the the social aspect too. I hope these suggestions help both you and her, things will get better for her. Hugs

it sounds like she is not getting enough sleep. i would send her to bed around 9:30 or 10. since she is acting like this. i would also help her with her homework. neither of you sound like you care about the class its just an elective. you said how its a ton of work. perhaps it is too much work for one stupid elective. since she cant drop the class and its causing sooo much stress, help her. let her know your never ever going to do this for her again but this one time only. if she does this again in another year or class let her drop it. she tried to tell you it was too much for her.

I have had a similar "battle". This is normal for a freshman in high school and it is an important "learning about how to learn" year. Yet, I find it is a fine line between keeping tabs on my teenager's homework assignments and letting him make the mistake of avoiding his homework at home. At least, my husband and I have made it quite clear that assignments with zeros (he didn't turn it in) or having a low grade (you have to decide if a C is low or if a D is "low") in a class means no computer privileges at home. In other words, he earns that privilege (of playing a game he really likes on a computer we have paid for, using electricity that we are paying for, in our house that is not his, etc) with good grades and with keeping up with his assignments.

Whatever you decide, remind her that this is her problem and that you are there to help her with supplies, with advice on staying organized, and with talking with her with her teachers.

One thing that has helped me is to focus on what my teenager can do well. He likes science so making assignments there a priority (or conversely a "carrot" to do after all other assignments are done!) has made my life less stressful and has made his attitude a lot better.

I highly suggest borrowing this book from the library (for yourself and for your husband): "Parenting Your Teen With Love & Logic: Preparing Adolescents for Responsible Adulthood" by Foster Cline, MD and Jim Fay. If you search for this book on Amazon, specifically look for the newer, revised edition.

Good luck!

Lots of good advice here - but I'm also wondering whether she has been exposed to much writing prior to high school. Sometimes my older son would put off long writing assignments. His middle school placed HEAVY emphasis on composition - too much at that age imho. The kids just get burned out on it when they are exposed to it too early (or not enough - the opposite problem).

She may genuinely be befuddled as to what is expected in this journalism class. There could also be a personality clash between her and the teacher and since she breezed through school in previous years she hasn't had experience in handling difficult teachers.

If it were me I'd look at the curriculum for the journalism class. If I couldn't easily discern what the teacher was looking for then I would also meet with the teacher (as soon as possible). Then I would buy a white board and teach her how to hash out the elements of every single writing assignment. Learn how to build an "idea tree."

The fact that she procrastinated the entire day suggests to me that she is not sure where to get started. Perhaps I am wrong but I've seen this with my high school junior (who now homeschools but was in an honors program in 9th grade).

She is in 9th grade - 14 or 15? She is simply not mature enough (yet) to handle this on her own (most kids that age would not be). This is a great opportunity for you to help her navigate through this problem so that when she goes to college she WILL know how to handle it. I'm not saying that you should do the work for her - just teach her how to break it down into steps.

Good luck mom.