I was told before I went to work tonight that my step-daughter ran away from her mothers home today. I found out later there was some type of "misunderstanding" and everything is in my husbands words "hunky-dory". I guess the situation was that she got mad at her mom because her mom told her she couldn't go to a friends house. She got mad, walked out the door and "took a walk". Her stepfather then left the house after locking the doors. My step daughter then went home, doors were locked and she went to a friends house. Her mom then went to her friends house and found her. My stepdaughter never called anyone and never told anyone where she was or where she was going. I am seriously upset with the way my husband and his ex wife has handled this. "hunky dory???" I don't get that. Well, my husband thinks that I shouldn't care either and that I should just let his ex handle it since she was at her house. But that's the thing. She didn't handle it. No discipline, they were laughing when they got to our house tonight and no priveleges were taken away. I work in the law enforcement field and I listen to parents who call the police weekly because their child has ran away, again. That scares me. But my husband thinks that we just need to live day to day and not worry if she is going to do this again. Oh yeah, and when my step son was 16 or 17, he ran away from home also. Him and his mom were more friends than daughter-son. Kids are so different these days. My stepdaughter is only 13 years old, she totally disrespects me at my house and my husband "talks" to her. Doesn't discipline them, just tells them that they need to respect me. I'm fed up with my husbands lack of discipline with his daughters and the way he is strict with our son. He thinks that because his daughters don't live with us full time, that he can't discipline them...like he needs to be the "nice" parent, but apparantly, his ex is also playing the "forgiving, nice" parent. How are these children ever going to learn??? Any suggestions? Do I really care too much??? I didn't think that was so bad.
honestly, it probably is best not to get involde. i know thats probably hard, but you dont want to over step your bounds.
Dear S.,
No, you don't care too much. You just know that what is happening is not healthy or loving, it is something else. But that is not our business, it is their business, and we need to just take care of what IS our responsibility. I am making this a talk to both you and me.
Your husband has never taken child care and development classes, all he knows is what he learned being a kid. Just do the best you can, and let him take care of his responsibilities. Trying to change him will just drive you apart, and you do not want that. I had to do that with my husband, and now I look at him as a precious older man who is a bit cranky, unsteady on his feet, and still trying to make a difference in his world, in his own way. He is 81, almost 82.
Yes, I know how it is the have a step child that is disrespectful - it is hurtful to all concerned, especially to you, who learned to respect your elders when you were a child. It is just something that comes naturally to you, and you cannot do it any other way.
Kids now adays are waaaaaay out there in never never land and they desperately need a strong loving parent. Why don't you go far to treat her respectfully, and just ignore her childishness and meanness - that is what it is. At least your husband TELLS her to respect you.
My husband has 4 grown daughters with families and not one of that army shows respect and care toward me. It is shitty, to coin a phrase, but it IS, it exists. And they are not going to change. So I just stay away and am as quiet as I can be in their presence. Now they say that I am standoffish and cold. Oooooh well !! Tough.
But that stance was made by me after many years of trying to cope. So cope and be respectful, and maybe she will learn something. Use what YOU learn and see happening at home, to try to make a better life for the people that you work with. Maybe one or two of them will listen to you.
You will grow and learn and be wiser for this experience - painful as it is.
Don't waste your energy being upset about something about which you can do nothing.
Sorry I couldn't be more helpful. C. N.
As a middle school teacher for over 10 years, here is what I know. Children have less respect for "dicipline" and "authority" now-a-days and it is hurting them quite badly. Children CRAVE structure. They want to know they are safe and looked out for. They need to know that no matter what, they have a safe place to fall. I am very firm with my students. They each know the limits, they know what is expected of them, they have boundaries. On many occasions I have other teachers making up excuses to vist my room when a particular student is there because they "could not beleive that he is not hanging off the windows". Often my students call me Mrs. Bitch. But I'll tell you, they respected the boundaries I set for them. (Heck there have even been fist fights in my honour!) These are not "my kids". They don't "live with me part time" Heck, I wasn't even married into their family. I was just a "teacher". If you do not put some structure into your relationsip with these girls, I can tell you from having seen 100's of families in the same situations, the kids will lose everytime.
Well not that it's an excuse, but it sounds like they both feel guilty for the divorce (and that they aren't with them full time.) They probably subconsciously want the kids to like them more than the other parent. Believe me, they will be reaping what they sew when she gets into high school. I've seen it happen with a lot of my single-parent friends. Is the ex-wife remarried? I guess take comfort in the fact that she is OK. A lot of kids actually believe if they "disappeared" no one would care or notice. Let her see that you would care. You do have a different perspective then they do because you work in law enforcement. It's hard to be a step-parent. Hats off to you for doing it. By the way, your husband should treat all of his children fair. It could be he is more strict with your son, because he is a boy. Hopefully he will find balance. I guess I would be a little thankful he's not holding the same lackadaisical attitude with your child as he is with the girls.
Hi S.. I worked in child protective services for many years and understand your upset about your stepdaughter's behavior. Bad things happen to kids. I am married 3 yrs and have two sons form my first marriage, my husband has a older daughter who split her time between our home and her mother's. So I am familiar with the struggle you are having. here is the bottom line: before you can see any change in your stepdaughter's behavior, you and your husband need to find some common ground and so you can start giving consistent messages to her. What seems to be happening is that there are parenting style differences between the two of you (not uncommon). The situation is compounded by the fact that two of your kids are stepkids and there is another mother involved. In a lot of blended families where kids live in two homes, the parent that has the kid at the time is in charge of the discipline. This can be problematic if each ex parents differently. It sounds as if, in your case, your husband parents (at least in this situation) like his ex where his daughter is concerned. He also may be more lenient with her because he wants her to keep coming to live with you guys and not favor his ex. I empathize with you and can imagine the frustration you feel. It may be best to try to deal with this in couple's counseling where you can get the support you need and the reinforcement to create change. My husband and I have sought help over parenting differences and we found it very helpful. Take care.
I don't think you care too much, but unless the kids mom and your husband agree with you, there is nothing you can do. They will make it an issue of you truing to step into their shoes as parents. You can not decide the disciple or non-discipline mom has in her home.
You do need to enforce the issue of respect they have towards you, in your house. You need to decide ahead of time what the penalty for disrepecting you in your house is and tell your husband that this is what you are going to do and he needs to back you up. A talking to is not working, so there should be a consequense for disrespecting you. After talking to you husband, the two of you should sit down with the kids and talk to them about the new rules and what will happen if they do not follow them.
I, first, want to say: MAN, Carolyn hit the nail on the head! And her advice comes from YEARS of living it, so I give it soooo much credibility.
After living in this world a little while myself, having three children: 19, 13 and 11, having done lots of research, and having helped about 200 families in my childcare businesses, I've come to totally disagree with the punitive approach. It does NOTHING but separate children from their conscience and their parents. The children who need our love the most are the ones who seem the least deserving of it. Looking at your step-daughter as a child in pain may help with your anger at her. And sympathizing with your husband, as Carolyn said, is going to save your marriage.
I also agree that a step-parent (including myself) has to take a backseat, for the most part. I empathize with your position. It's a tough one to be in, when you make so much sacrifice and often get so little appreciation or credit for your investment. As so many other decisions in life: In marriage, you make the choices of what you will and won't live with. When you make the choice to live with it, you have to do it without resentment. So the "problem (your perception)" is totally within your control to resolve. The parenting issue is neither your responsibility, success or failure. I hope that helps.
Take care of yourselves,
J. Smithson
Loving Hands Learn 'n' Play
http://www.lhlearnandplay.com
I applaud you for caring- as a fellow stepmom we tend to get the advice of ' what is it to you- they aren't your kids?' I disagree. I have been with my stepkids for 12 yrs now-- I love them, treat them, care for them, and think of them like my own son..I would do anything for them.
This to me is a sit down with the family discussion. I do not tolerate being disrespected in my house by anyone. ANYONE!!
S.,
I first have to praise you for even taken a interest in wanting to find an answer. When it comes to stepchildren it is a very delicate situation. You and your husband have to be on one accord or it won't work and you are going to continue to be stressed. You two have to have a plan of how the kids are going to be discipline. You guys should never argue in front of the kids. You two should never undermind each other in front of the kids. People do not give these precious little people credit, they know how to play parents against each other. Sit down with you husband and really talk to him about how this is affecting all the relationships in the house. If he really wants what is best for you and the kids he should listen. The bottom line is that if your husband does not set the tone in the house about how his children should respect you then it is going to be hard to demand it. I can tell you this because I am part of a blended family. My oldest daughter is from another relationship and my husband and I have two children together. My oldest daughter father is married and they have two children together plus his wife had two children from another relationship. The children have always been first priority with us. It was not always easy but it took a lot of communication and listening. But one thing we made clear to all the children was that we are all family and if there was a major decision to be made every one would have imput. We didn't always agree with one another but we always stay respectful of each other. S. you will not be able to do this all by yourself it will wear you down. So please communicate with your husband and at some point with the whole family. I don't know if this helped but I will keep you and your family in my prayers. From what I get from your letter you are a wonderful mom. If you need to just talk you can write me. J.
