Appropriate Punishment for 6 Yr Old

Call me old school, but there is no way I would ever tolerate that much disrespect in front of me and directed at me. I would have grabbed my kid by the arm and swatted his behind severely 3 times, counting out loud 1-2-3. Then they know it's over. And then I'd send them to their room to think about the choices they made that day from the spit finger to the screaming to the tantrum, and if he didn't figure out how to relate to others by using his words, there would plenty more of where that discipline came from. And I would scream back "Do you get it." Because if you don't, I'll be happy to explain it again and again. Answer me.

And then when everyone has cooled off, we would hug and kiss and make up. I'm not big on long term punishments, like no TV for a week, it's way too much for me to manage over the long haul. I believe in quick and firm and serious consequences, right then and there. But then be done with it. Forgive and move on. Don't replay his stupid choices over and over to others or to him. Love him and guide.. It's all about Rules, Guidance and Consequences. Alone time in his room, after a swat or two, and knowing I'm made at him, is usually enough to send a clear message that I'm serious.

For all it's worth, that is my stern approach to disrespectful children. Believe me Queen, they learn to straighten up and not push those boundaries with others and you. Be the Queen!! You deserve it. Be confident. Don't let his temper and tantrums rule the house.

If you think he might have behavioral issues, nothing I would do for my kids would probably work. I know my kids would never think twice about hitting me, because they'd be knocked to the ground before they even got to me. But that's just here.

All kids are different, but I think it sounds like you are doing a great job with a challenging little guy.

I'd try more than no TV. Something else he doesn't like? Maybe do to him what he does to others and teach him how nasty it is to lick your fingers and touch someone? I know that's not very "grown up," but it's what you do to curb biting...so maybe?

Excuse me but I am going to say this and you may not like it but it has to be said because it just does.

He has a brain disorder. It is starting with a diagnosis of ADHD and you are still putting off needed medication that will not change by adding more diagnosis's alone with it.

Even if he has 10 more disorders along with the ADHD he will still need the ADHD med. So stop putting it off and get him started on it. If he gets more diagnosis they can add another med with it.

Our grandson started on Depakote for his behaviors and then later on added Ritalin. It was like night and day. He doesn't even have to have his own aid this year. He hasn't even had one team meeting this whole year since starting Ritalin. The combination has changed his life.

As for the other stuff.f

If he was having seizures would you punish him? OF course not. He would not be making that choice all by himself. His body would be doing it.

The same thing can be said about his behaviors. His brain is firing off like crazy and he is spinning in all directions to the point his mind is like a merry go round inside. So he makes bad choices. He needs to have some guidance as to how to manage this better.

Punishing him for something that is sort of out of his control because he's not on any meds is like punishing him for having a seizure.

Yes, he's a smart little boy.

Yes, he can chose right or wrong.

Yes, he can do something on purpose that is not nice to someone else.

No, he does not need to be punished for all this little stuff. The big stuff? Yes, he needs to know there is a line and he chose to do wrong.

But I would not punish him for stuff that he may not be able to control, like impulses. Most ADHD kids cannot stop those impulses without much work in therapy and working on practicing to make a different choice.

Even with meds and therapy he will make bad choices. BUT if you remember that his brain is firing off crazy it is easier to remember to temper your responses and try to teach him instead of condemn him for the mistakes.

Please start the meds now, they can't help him without being in his system. If they don't make a change within a month then you know that that med isn't working and you can try something else.

Actually, I think no tv for tonight was punishment enough. Don't get me wrong, I have been disrespected by my kids, and they have received punishment for it, but you have to keep their age, the disrespect and hope in check.

If he loses the tv for 3 days for spitting at you, what motivation does he have to be good for the next three days? There is no chance for him to correct his wrong. He is 6. His punishments should not go past the sunrise. Unless he does something drastically wrong like really injure someone.

Give him chores. Each time he disrespects you, he gets a chore. Clearing the table after dinner, wiping down the table, write the sentence 'I will not spit' 6 times.

I concur with Chris S. Our nine-year-old son has ADHD, and things have improved drastically since we started focusing more on reward than punishment. I'm not saying no consequences for bad acts - there have to be consequences so he understands limitations. But we set up a system with his teacher in second grade that we are still using - she completes a simple 'behavioral report' for each day, and he earns privileges based on his behaviors in school. The ADHD Workbook for Parents has a lot of useful suggestions like that one. It takes time, but when he starts figuring out how to get what he wants, he will start identifying what he needs. For example, our son told his teacher that he was having trouble during test time because he was so distracted by the other students. Now, a teacher's aide gives him his tests in the hall.

A simple switch - don't "take away" television or computer. Start from zero. He has to earn those things. You're not taking them away - you're giving him ways to get them. It can make a huge difference in their motivation. Good luck!

Have you sat him down and put him on your lap, talked with him? Ask him what happened. Then go through what he could do next time in _________situation. I would not discipline him for this. It sounds like he is having a hard time and needs to get some help with his feelings. Help him out so he learns what to do differently.

I find that if you make things a reward, rather than a punishment, you get better results (e.g. for every 4 hours of good behavior you get 15 min of tv or a day of good behavior you get to choose what we have for dinner. Find the true motivation and make it attainable.

Even for decluttering I use it. Leave the Easter bunny 6 stuffed animals and he will bring you something extra special :)

Punishment for kids this age works best when it is directly following and directly related to the problem. So, punishing him at home, a couple of hours after school has ended, may not be effective because he doesn't fully put the two things together, even if you specifically say it's because he spit/licked the girl.

I would ask the teacher if she imposes a consequence or punishment when he does this. Something immediately after might be better for him.

I would also have him do something as an apology each time he does something specifically to another child. He should write a note of apology and, if he gets an allowance, maybe make him buy something small (a candy bar, an item from the $1 bin at Target) as a gift for the child. If he's forced to do that, he might find ways to control himself better to avoid the consequence later.

I hope that you're able to get the answers you need and the medication and/or therapy to help him manage his behavior. It must be so hard on you, and I can't imagine it's easy for him either. Good luck to you.

I'm sorry. That sounds really hard - for both of you.

Maybe your son could formulate some consequences himself. In a calm moment you guys could sit down together and he could generate some ideas... If he throws something does he lose tv for the day? Maybe lose computer? If he helps set the table does he gain... a little extra playtime outside before dinner (or something he thinks of that he likes?)? In other words, he could generate ideas for both negative and positive consequences. This might not stop his impulses or difficult behavior, but could be a step in the right direction for helping to feel more in control of what's going on with him. I wonder what he thinks the consequence should be for what he did to the little girl? Does he want to say more about it? (Did the girl do something to trigger his behavior?)

I hear you about the thought that meds might be a next step. It's also true that if the eval finds that he has SPD, then Occupational Therapy services, coupled with a shift in diet, might actually go a long way towards helping him find balance, without medication. You can experiment with a few things while you are waiting with the eval to see if they help - follow your instinct with it: some kids respond really well to hard work/lifting heavy things (you can ask him to help move the ottoman out of the way for you to vaccuum, move firewood, etc.). Others might do well wearing a hat. He could hold something weighted on his lap while reading. Or maybe a backrub while reading would help to soothe him....

Anyway, I know you were looking for consequences. I don't know that you need leverage... Just keep being lovingly calm and firm, and let him know that you will help him to figure this out. He likely feels a bit lost, and knowing that you will continue to be consistent will help him in the long run....

I just started reading "Raising Boys with ADHD". I highly recommend it.
One of the best things about the book is that it give us a framework to work from that is in tune with our oldest son's challenges. It works well with the non ADHD sons too, which is is huge, because we can use the same approach , more or less, with all of our boys, so the son with ADHD doesn't have yet another reason to be angry with himself. It also helps me and my husband not lose our minds trying (and failing to see an success) with all those things that "Always Work" for everyone else's (non ADHD) kids.

Just my two cents, I also have a 6 yr old who fully understands which actions will cause what reactions both positive and negative. this child is a saint, always follows direction, but will occassionally do something so atypical of his norm, that he gets a consequence which in his mind is harsh. I tried everything love, affection, redirection, mild and hard consequences, untill I started reading a book by Laura Markham. She has some very good advice, and has helped me a lot in changing my response to his actions and we have now had fewer instances where he needs to be punished.

1) Find out what motivates him. Use it to give consequences and to encourage him.

2) Consider homeschooling him, at least until you can figure out what works and what doesn't. Having distractions with other kids and not consistency will work against you. This will also allow you to figure out if meds are the right fit for you and for him.

3) Change diet. Consider a gluten free diet/ non preservative diet.

4) See help from a Psychologist who can do therapy and group therapy with him.

5) Be consistent. I know you have other kids but try to establish a routine, for one week, so that he learns what is expected and what is not. They say behavior, if consistent, can be changed in one week.

This is just my .02. I hope this helps! Good luck. I know it can be difficult.

N.

Oh, this has to be so hard for you and your son and his teacher.

I am sort of agreement that I wouldn't necessarily impose additional punishment at home for misbehavior at school except in extreme cases (e.g., physical violence, intentional bullying). I assume that the teacher provided a consequence? I think grounding him from TV is probably not ideal, because it has no logical connection to the offense and it is occurring so long after the fact. For school misbehavior, perhaps have him write an apology note if you think it's warranted. If there is schoolwork that can be sent home to be completed because he wasn't able to complete it in class, that could also be a consequence and certainly the TV can remain off until that is done.

Otherwise, I think it might be more effective if you reward for positive behaviors rather than punishing for negative ones. If you see a difference in his behavior from morning to afternoon, let him earn a star for the morning and one for the afternoon.

If you aren't comfortable with meds, which may be needed to regualte his brain chemistry, there are some food/diet modifications that may help in the meantime. I was not a huge believer in food causing attention and behavior difficulties until a few months ago. My son was diagnosed with inattentive ADHD and had a bad reaction to the meds we tried. So I started doing research on things that I could do myself. I settled on the Feingold program...it basically eliminates all preservatives, food dyes, and artificial flavors-along with some naturally occuring compounds that some people can be sensitive to. We already eat fairly 'clean' so for us it wasn't that difficult, but I have noticed an incredible difference. Even my younger son's teacher commented to me how much more focused he was--and they had no idea we were doing anything. Check it out. It can't hurt! Most of things that are permanently eliminated are not food anyway, they are chemicals made in a factory or lab to make food look better, last longer, or taste different. Good luck and best wishes.

Ditto Livinglife&Lovingit F. and Mommyc.

Also, when my DD does something to me that would get a reaction out of people, I gently tell her that she shouldn't do it to others for 1) I won't do it to her and 2) others won't like it. Work on the "building up empathy for others" idea so he can grow to understand how to not get enjoyment from annoying others.

As for TV. . . keep it turned off, but not as a punishment. There are studies that suggest that there is a connection between TV watching and ADHD. The TV trains the mind to expect an inordinate amount of quick changes. Some say there is a link between the amount of time a child can focus and how most TV programs are structured. Yes, my kid watches YouTube items, but in short spurts, so it isn't like we never view anything, but I have never regretted my no TV decision. It is a gift of time to do so many other things, things that I usually find more rewarding, renewing and enjoyable.

All my best.