Appropriate Valentine's Date Ideas for Daughter.

You think she's going to get pregnant at the aquarium? Wow she must be quite the horny teenager.
And, won't she be "supervised" by hundreds of people there anyway?
Sheesh, lighten up :-(

You do know that when you pull the reigns this tight, she'll cut classes just to have a little alone time in a car, right?

It's the aquarium. Let her go and have fun. If you don't let her grow up a little, she will find ways to get even (see car above). That's when you get into trouble. Keep the lines of communication and expectations open. Otherwise she'll have to sneak around and you won't have a clue!

What? Sure, plenty of "good little Catholic girls" come home pregnant at 15.

But that has nothing to do with the lack of Etched In Stone Rules that they must mindlessly follow regardless of who they are as a person.

Whether or not any given Good Little Catholic girl gets pregnant has to do with an open line of communication between her and her mom, with her mom embracing and guiding her child's sexuality the same way she embraces her child's grades, sportsmanship, faith in God, personal habits, etc. And, the child's level of self respect, her future plans, also things guided by her mother (or father).

So if in your household, you pretend like puberty doesn't exist, if you ignore that part of her, than Having Sex to her becomes like this Awesome, Wildly Dangerous, exclusively teenaged thing, where parents are Old and could not possibly understand therefore she hides it from you and goes about it with Zero Guidance.

Also, why don't you "trust her"? And trust her to do or not to do what?

You don't "trust her" because you don't know her.

So put down your own "sex is dirty and bad and terrible and the only possible outcome of my post pubescent kid engaging in sexual acts is Doomed For Life", and get to know your girl, help her have respect for herself, talk to her like a post pubescent human being, help her, guide her.

Going to an aquarium and then to dinner with a boy (GASP), is only potentially detrimental to girls who have no guidance.

:)

If they are going to have sex believe me they will find a way. No matter what. This is coming from a mom of a 26 year old daughter and 22 year old son.

Personally, if that is your rule then I would tell her that you are not comfortable with her suggestion. I really don't understand what the issue is with them going to the aquarium alone but not my kid.

I do want to caution you of something. If you keep the reigns so completely tight to the point that you are choking her she will rebel. I am all for raising kids in our faith. We are Lutheran but I also believe that we have to train our kids to how we behave in a society. When a child is so sheltered when they get out into the world they have no clue as to what they should do. That is also not healthy for them. Food for thought.

I think there's a big disconnect between "dating for 6 months" and "being 18". I understand your fears and I think kids need structure and rules imposed by vigilant parents. But what is it that you think happens at the magic 6 month mark that makes your 15 year old so incredibly mature that otherwise wouldn't occur until she is 18? I think that your rules don't make sense and are likely to drive her into risky behavior because they seem so arbitrary.

I absolutely agree about group dates until a certain age, whatever that is - but you haven't made that your rule. I think you should have several milestones at 15, 16, 17. I also think you have to be clearer with your daughter about her just not having the maturity yet (and not having the full brain development, which doesn't occur until age 25 or so, to enable her or her boyfriend or her school friends to predict consequences). That's why kids do a lot of risky things - try alcohol, drive too fast, misjudge other drivers, get into parties with unsafe behavior, etc. - they don't anticipate well, and they don't have the experience to handle other people who do risky things.

Have you had any conversations with her about sex, hormones, affection, intimacy, pregnancy "mechanics" and so on? Or have you isolated her from this because you want her to be, in your words "a good little Catholic girl"?? I can tell you that I worked in a health clinic years ago, and it was just full of girls from a well-known Catholic college who had been given no education and no access to health care and contraception. "Just say no" didn't work for them, I can tell you.

Do I think teens should be having sex? No. But I do think that kids can earn the privileges by taking baby steps. You can't restrict your daughter and then magically at 6 months of dating at 15, or just reaching age 18, think she will suddenly have skills and maturity. I also think you want to have a dialogue with her and let her have experience in coming to you to discuss things before the fact, which is what she has done here.

So ask yourself if a trip to a public place like the aquarium in the middle of winter is a risky activity. Assuming her boyfriend is also around 15, they aren't driving themselves. So if you drive them there, what do you think will happen? That they will detour to a motel or a drug den? It's not even like being in a darkened movie theater, where some pretty risky behaviors occur. The aquarium will be filled with parents, young kids, etc. and sqarium staff making sure people are responsible around the exhibits. She even suggested that they join you for a family dinner afterwards. That sounds pretty reasonable to me. So, figure out how much time they want at the aquarium - probably 3 hours minimum, right? Then they will meet you in a restaurant, which no kids would suggest if they were going to be up to no good. I think it's actually a good suggestion.

Are you loosening the reins a little? Yes. But I think it's a good thing rather than being so excessively restrictive that you chain a kid down until she's 18 - that's a sure way to drive her into the arms of a hormonal boy as a form of rebellion! But she hasn't done that - she has come to you to negotiate. And her first suggestion is a very low risk outing.

I think you should lighten up a lot. Gees.... She is 15, she'll be going to college in 3 short years.

If you don't give her the chance to be responsible and independent now then she could very well rebel when she finally does get away with the wrong crowd, wrong person, wrong vices.

If she wants to get privacy with this fellow, she will and she can. How about communicating WITH each other and use some compromise so she can grow up and mature and not be so ready to get out of the house and experience fun for the first time. Let her be a normal child.

There is such a thing as balance and it sounds like you need to balance things a bit better. Have faith in your child... you raised her.. trust that you have done a decent job so far.

I would loosen up the reins a lot or she might be one of those good Catholic girls coming home pregnant. She wants to spend the day at a public educational facility and meet the family for Valentine's Day dinner. And you don't trust her. Has she done something to damage your trust? Please make sure she knows about sex and birth control, that you prefer she wait until marriage (I assume that is how long you want her to wait) but that she can come and tell you anything and you will still love her. Then, let her have her date. Chances are good that she knows she isn't ready to have sex. But maybe she is ready to kiss her boyfriend. A little privacy is appropriate at her age.

I have a 17 year old daughter who is a good kid. We have an open line of communication and she knows that i trust her until I have a reason not to.

Has your daughter given you a reason not to trust her? She's asking you to loosen the noose just a little to walk through an aquarium and then still meet you for dinner. Work with her. Listen to her. She sounds like a good kid. If she really wanted to sneak off and have sex, she wouldn't be asking permission. She's reaching out to you for guidance and trying to work within your strict rules.

If it were me, I would drop them off at the aquarium and let them walk to meet us for dinner. That's a very short amount of unsupervised time.

a bunch of you are making me twitch.
it's loosen the REINS.
thank you for letting me get that off my chest.
now, why don't you trust your daughter? i think some rules and parameters are fine, but am with the responders who are taken aback by your flat statement. has she done something specifically for you to think that she could take advantage of a couple of hours at an aquarium before you meeting you in a public venue to sneak off and get knocked up?
your rules are weird and convoluted. it seems as if they're set up just to be 'strict' without having much in the way of logic involved, nor taking into account any sense of responsibility, dignity or trust in the girl involved.
it's often the girls who are expected to be deceitful and promiscuous who decide in despair to live down to all the expectations.
if you really think that an aquarium and an afternoon walk are too permissive, by all means tag along. but i think you're pushing her straight into rebellion.
khairete
S.

It sounds perfectly appropriate to me. I really do not think you have to worry about the couple sneaking off while in the aquarium to have sex.

For what it is worth...I've seen parents that refuse to loosen the apron strings during the high school years and to be honest it is those kids that tend to go crazy during college years because all of the sudden they are a legal adult with all the freedom they want and they just don't know how to handle it. My daughter is 16 years old and I try to say "yes" to her as much as possible. She has earned my trust though...she makes the distinguished honor role and is actively involved in her school's theatre program which keeps her very busy. What has your daughter done that makes you distrust her judgement? I think some times you just have to trust that you raised her well and she will do the right things.

Has she done something to break your trust? You say you don't trust her, but every word of what you wrote outlines her as a very reasonable, rules-following 15 year old. Has she fought you tooth and nail and pushed boundaries the whole way, and you just didn't write about that?

If she's been cool with the rules so far, I would absolutely let her go to the aquarium. Keep it to a few hours, not the entire day, and make it clear that this is a special occasion and that in general the rules won't be changing. If she and her guy show up on time to the restaurant then I think you have nothing to worry about. And if they DON'T show up on time, well, then you have a concrete example of why her behavior doesn't warrant increased independence and she can't argue (well, she's 15 so she will probably argue, but still...)

If she's generally a good kid and you keep such tight arbitrary rules in place, she WILL start taking her independence in other ways. I know I did when I was her age. My parents were super strict and over-protective, and my good behavior and rule-following (which I was VERY good about) didn't seem to affect their trust or respect for me - they still treated me like I was 10. So I started sneaking around having sex at 16 as a way to make up for being treated like such a baby all the time. There was a certain satisfaction in knowing I was doing very "adult" things, even if my parents still treated me like I was 10. And I truly don't think I would have gone to that extreme if I had been given a bit more age-appropriate trust and leeway, bit by bit. I'm lucky nothing bad happened.

Good grief.. you think they are going to get it on in the aquarium somewhere? Let them go to the aquarium and meet you at a restaurant after. At least they aren't balking at sharing a restaurant with you, too.
At 15, I think your ideas are good ones, generally, but you plan to keep this as the rule until she is 18? That seems a little long in the tooth, for me.

My son is 16, and while I don't trust him not to be a teen boy with hormones, I don't want to sit in the restaurant with him and his date when he's 17, either.

I think that she has presented a very reasonable plan. Drop her off at the aquarium at a certain time and pick her up from the aquarium. Heck, download an aquarium scavenger hunt for her to fill out so you know she was in there, if you must. But I would give her a little room here.

It must be terrifying to have a teenager. I absolutely do not judge you for wanting to keep her safe. Let her show you that she is telling the truth and not sneaking off somewhere when she says she will be at the aquarium, even if that means that you feel you have to show up at the aquarium half way through, unannounced, and tell her to meet you in the lobby in five minutes. If she can't, you know she lied and snuck off and you have no reason to trust her. If she pops right up, boyfriend in tow, chatting about how cool jellyfish are...then she has earned a little more trust.

Much like the car story below, I could tell you stories that would make your hair curl about all of the places I had sex as a teenager. I was well educated by my school and by my parents and guess what? I took care of myself and my partners by using appropriate birth control/STD prevention measures. I was an excellent student and I now have a career and a whole bunch of letters after my name. Sex as a teenager does not have to equal a ruined life. I plan to repeat that to myself daily when my kids are teens!!!

"I don't trust her. " Wow.
I guess you have good reason? Or is it because you were not trust worthy at 15?

I think unless she really is not trustworthy, her plans sound fine.
Or you and your husband could also be at the Aquarium while they walk around, and then all of you walk to dinner together.

What is so magical about 18, except she will be in college with no "alone dating" under her belt?

Why can she not go out alone with nice young men once you have met them? Do you want her in long term relationship at this age?

I should talk, I am married to my middles school boyfriend, we have been married 33 years, but I did date other young men when I was in high school and college. My mother held me to high standards and told me she trusted me to be smart. She also told me if I ever wanted birth control, she would take me....and yes, we were Catholic, then Episcopalian, now agnostic.

She's 15 and right now her life is being guided by her heart and not her head. I think you need to look at your rules and figure out if they still work. That being said, group dates and supervision are wonderful but if a young couple wants to be together they'll figure out a way to make it happen.

That's a pretty harsh statement, "I don't trust her."

Why? Consider this: She is the direct result of your parenting decisions. What are you doing as a parent that is resulting in an untrustworthy kid?

I would venture to guess that she's very capable and trustworthy, but you are unwilling to give her an opportunity to prove herself. Are you raising her to stay a child? Are you actually providing real, two-way, open communication and guidance, or is "NO. It's my way or the highway." your stock response?

Please read the book "Parenting With Love and Logic" by Foster and Cline. Giving a child zero opportunity to mature will result in an immature and dependant adult.

Remember: "Train up a child in the way they should go and they will not depart from it." -Proverbs 22:6

If you and her dad have been raising her right, you should be able to LOOSEN the reins, not have to tighten them. That's what you do as they reach adolescence and young adulthood. You guide them to make wise choices based upon the values, faith and training you've already instilled within them.

Sounds safe to me mama. Why don't u trust her? Do u think they are having sex?

Going to the Aquarium alone and then walking to meet you for a family dinner is about as safe as it gets. I'm with you on the dating thing - we were always strict too. But they can't get pregnant at the aquarium - last time I looked there's no couches or bedrooms there. and if they're walking to meet you I have to assume they'be getting picked up and driven there by maybe his parents?

I get what your goal is - but there can be some compromise in this situation. A date would be movies or dinner out. A visit tot he Aquarium is something you do with friends.

We would allow this kind of thing with our daughter - but not movies, bonfires and dinner out alone. Now she's away at a very strict Christian college (boys and girls can't go in eachother's dorms) and she has a boyfriend. She describes their relationship as "best friends who hold hands". The teen / parenting thing isn't just about telling them yes or no but giving them a little freedom/responsibility at a time so they can make mistakes in a safe environment where you're around to help them get back up after they fall and to keep safe boundaries. With each poor judegemnt they learn consequences with each good decision they alos learn consequences - the postivie ones. The goal is that they get to that point where they've learned how to make judgement calls and decisions and that they more often than not, make good ones.

Good luck mama - the teen years are just a special challenge that no one prepares us for like they do for babies, diapers and potty training! I haven't found any good instruction books (like I did for infants, toddlers, potty training, etc.) because I don't think anyone's been able to successfully conquer the beast that is parenting teens...!

My parents wouldn't have let me do this either. They hated my high school boyfriend. Plus they didn't actively nurture romantic relationships in us as teens anyway, so we didn't have the significant others involved in our home stuff, or the parents helping all the teens date like nowadays (I'm such a granny :).

Has she been inappropriate before? Sounds like you don't want them out of your sight. Which I can understand. Technically, they COULD find a bathroom stall to have sex in at the aquarium. But most likely they'll just be holding hands and snuggling and kissing in there which you probably don't like. My parents didn't approve of any of that either, but I worked with my high school boyfriend at grocery store, was involved in some group activities with him, so I did get to be out of their sight a little even though we were never at each other's houses and stuff. SO we got some smooching in, but no sex. He and I were both prudes raised in church families, so even though we would sneak out at night and stuff sometimes, we never went all the way. Different times though. Small military community. Everyone knew everyone, most high school kids weren't having sex then-just the "bad ones". Today I think it's harder for kids to draw that hard line.

But STILL, a public outing and meeting you right after is pretty darn safe unless you don't want ANY physical contact at all. In which case, say no. I don't recall my parents supporting me in any Valentine's Day dates. You don't have to. Will she rebel one day? Only you know how things are going in your own home.

Would I let my 15 year old do this? Depends totally on the child. You don't trust yours. You must have your reasons. Also, sounds like you don't want the bar raised. If they do THIS, then they will start wanting to do other stuff alone...etc.

Alternatives....not really. They just want to be alone. Any fun alternative with supervision is not going to be fun.