Are You Married to the Man Who Proposed to You?

Don't play games to test him if he will pass or fail. I hate when women do this. I think all women should do what I have done for YEARS and I'm never disappointed: About 2 weeks before the bday or holiday, you say "hey, my bday is in 2 weeks and I want to go to such and such and I'd really like a new watch" or whatever. Then 3-4 days before, you do the same thing, "dont forget, my bday is in a couple days and I want to go to such and such and Target is having a big sale on watches". And if its a year where money is tight, you do the same but say something like "I'd really like a nice handwritten letter/card from you and a homemade card from the kids". You get the idea. Then if he is so disrespectful to you to still do nothing, then you kick him in the balls and make him sleep on the couch for a month!!! Good luck!!!

In leu of recent events, I am most definitely not married to the man who I fell in love with. I know how you feel and I'm sorry you feel that way!

I checked your age and saw that you were 23. I have some advice. I dont know if it is true in your case, but this is my story :)

My husband and i got married and had kids very young. Those were the worst years of our marriage. I felt like i cared and he didnt. I am 34 now, we are married 15 years. It is so much better. After those terrible couple of years, every year got better and better. We talk now about back then. My husband admits that he was terrible. He grew up :) I love that each year gets better, i hope it does for you too!

This is the man you married. He just misrepresented himself. They all do it. :-) It's called courtship. Things change once you make the commitments and have children because they're officially permanent. You see each other at your best AND worst, you see each other in your sweats and vomiting on your worst sick days, and you fart in bed next to each other without excusing yourselves blaming it on the cats. Why would he feels he needs to work to keep you?

It's the rare model of husband that remains romantic and thoughtful as if he's courting his wife throughout all of marriage.

I think once you get to the bottom of the problem, you will know how to fix it.

If you asked married men, they would say pregnancy is when they lost the women they proposed to. We are hormonal, sensitive about our bodies, and baby obsessed. No time for them and once baby comes, they come 2nd. Either your husband married the great exception to the rule and doesn't know how lucky he is, or things changed with you, leading to a change with him. What I would start with is telling him your intention to make him priority again and working on the intimacy between you. You have to be blunt with men. Subtley is totally lost on them. Then, once you've stated your goal, start signing you both up for cuples classes at church, couples workouts at the gym, making a date night at home once a wk. Focus on him and see if he doesn't start to return the favor. But be bold about what you want - again, subtle hints go unheard.
So far as gifts, suprises, tokens of affection, I'm in the same boat. He never goes to the lengths I go to but thats ok. It's a girl thing.

Amanda:

Yes. I am. He's not the "same" man. Life has changed us. Circumstances, events - EVERYTHING changed bits and pieces of us.

Bob is a romantic - wine and roses? Me? Could care less about them. Wine gives me a headache and the roses die eventually. It's been this way since we met.

For Bob birthday's are just another day. This year - after 14 years of marriage and 16 years together - he GOT IT RIGHT...For me? Birthday's are a SPECIAL day...you are the King or the Queen for the day...it took him 16 years to "get it"...how did it happen? By TALKING...telling how I EXPECTED to be treated, what I wanted...

Sounds like you need to reconnect. Talk WITH him about your expectations. Tell him how you are feeling. Get it out. Don't hang on to it. The longer you let it fester - you will blow up over something small and it will be nasty.

good luck!

I think we have the same husband. We should seriously make sure!

Amanda,
I would say overall, yes, I am married to the same man that proposed to me 14 years ago. My husband is more mature, and has a LOT more responsibilities than he did when we were dating.
Marriage is reality.
I'm not saying marriage has to be dull, or unrewarding.
But it takes work.
And it exists within the environment of real life.
Please don't fall into the trap of thinking marriage is all hearts and bunnies all of the time.
Is your husband a good provider, a good father, a good man?
If so--be thankful. Good luck!

I'm sorry. You are not over-reacting. I am married to a better man than the man who proposed to me, primarily because he matured. He was 31 when he proposed, but he was still acting like a college student. Now he acts like a stable, loving, attentive husband and father. As far as what we have done to make our marriage work the way we want it to for both of us, we have both really worked at it. We've been married for 17 years, and we communicate very well. We also have fun together without just focusing on the kids. I hope you are able to talk to your husband and let him know what you are missing in your relationship. Good luck. :)

I'm married to the same man who proposed, only he does give me fewer flowers (it could be years before I get flowers again).

Things are better than ever, after 18 years of marriage. I think that's because I have stood up for myself at almost every point along the way, so he always knew what I expected from him. When we got married, we knew each other pretty well. He knew that I was a feminist, and wanted a marriage of equal partners and equal respect; I knew that he was a fair and decent man who would do the right thing.

We talked about birthdays, Valentine's Day, anniversaries, and Mother's and Father's Day, and developed traditions for each that we have stuck to. For example, for Valentine's Day and our anniversary, we do not exchange presents, but we do write each other romantic cards, and we go out to eat (usually on the Saturday evening closest to the day we are celebrating).

Anyway, it IS possible. I'm sorry things have gone the way they have for you; it must be really hard for you to be disrespected this way. You're going to have to talk to him about it, and keep talking. Please post again and let us know how it's going.

Kids change everything. I have been told that those married to normal men it comes back when the kids are older. My ex was not normal.

My husband is still sweet but then we are old, I am not having more kids. Okay not old but old enough, ya know.

I think the biggest thing is looking at how much time kids take. Think of how many hours a week are just kid related stuff you didn't have to do before. That time, that was the time he was doing nothing and it just popped in his head roses!! She needs roses. He hasn't changed he just doesn't have enough time.

Try this, make the time to do something special for him. Don't point it out, don't go you never do this, just do it. If he doesn't do something special for you within a month of that, call him a jerk, just kidding, just sit down with him and tell him you need him to make more time for you. :) Hopefully he will remember how good it felt when you did something for him.

Oh and it has to be different. Christmas and birthdays don't count, you always do that, has to be different. You are looking at what you do that he doesn't do that is special. I would be he has a list as well and you don't realize it either.

Special = different. :)

I don't know you at all so I can't say if you are over reating or not but I can say whatever you are feeling your feelings have validity and should at the very least be acknowledged by him. Instead of expecting him to make a big deal about the times in your life you think are special, why not make them special for you by you?

Or

Ask him this, "What ways do you show me you still love me and what ways do I show you I love you?"

His answers may surprise you and give you some insight into him. Men are different than women he may just be like many men that once they have won you, "the prize", they get on with establishing taking care of the family to the exclusion of the family. They become focused on earning a living instead of living it up with the spouse and the family. I feel your pain because all you want is the heart of your husband like you had it when he was courting you. You may need to pull back some and try not to crowd him and give him a chance and opportunity to pursue you again. Get some hobbies or learn something new that will make your life more exciting for you and see if he follows to check and see where your heart is when it isn't so wrapped up in him.

Are you married to my husband? Nah, the commute would be too long for him to pull it off. ; )

It's normal to an extent for a man to become less (much less!) romantic once you have kids. I actually just watched Crazy Stupid Love and the wife cheats on her husband and he admits that its partially his fault b/c he got "lazy" once they got married and had kids. Great movie btw. But anyway, I digress. My husband was kinda the same as yours. I once posted on here about how my husband offered to watch our son for 2 hours on mothers day and then ended up yelling at me b/c he couldn't handle the 2 hours which put him in a really bad mood. Yelled at me on mothers day!! I was seriously crushed. I posted on here and people confirmed that I was not crazy and so I went and talked to my husband about it and he admitted that he was in the wrong and felt pretty badly about it. A few months later it was Fathers Day and I made him a little photo book of him and our son and he actually got a little teary eyed and said I shouldn't have b/c he ruined mothers day for me. So I knew he really cared.

It was an uphill battle from the moment we found out about my pregnancy 3 years ago. We had been planning on getting engaged to begin with so there was a lot of love there but my husband was unemployed (medically retired from police force) and just not emotionally ready to become a father. Everything happened too fast for him and there was a long stretch of time when I just felt really alone. Fast forward 3 years and I feel like finally we're back to being at a place where we're "us" again. We communicate a lot more which was a hard thing for me to learn because I'm naturally kind of closed off and the more upset I am, the more I tend to clam up. But MzKitty's advice to you is actually pretty spot on. While I still can't be quite as aggressive with my wants, I have learned that men just are not intuitive beings. If I want something, I ask my husband for it. I used to wait for him to "know" when to do something for me and I would get mad at him if he didn't. Now, I try to tell him...if I'm feeling lonely, instead of hinting around, I say "Baby, I'm sad. Let's snuggle" and he does it. I'm happier b/c I get what I want and he's happier b/c he doesn't have to play a guessing game. Talk to your husband and tell him what you told us. You're not overreacting at all and he needs to know how important this is. Relationships where one person feels unacknowledged just cannot flourish in the long haul. He might not know how serious this issue is. Good luck,

I have been married to that man for 29 years now. The first year we were married I asked him why I don't get flowers like before and he said "I don't have to impress you anymore now that we are married" Well there has been a lot of times I haven't been impressed, birthdays ignored, valentines day and mother's day ignored and my getting pissed over that. My mother in law said to me one time when I was complaining "he may not do that, his dad doesn't either so I go out and pick out my own so I get what I want anyway, but I also know he loves me because of the things he does for me, like making sure my car is filled up with gas and making sure he helps with carrying the heavy stuff in" While that doesn't make up for that stranger you ended up married to, it does help remind you that presents and flowers are nice especially when it is for nothing, but sometimes when they clean the snow off your car without being asked, it is coming more from their hearts.

ps... I don't buy anything for his birthday anymore either. He now goes and buys what he wants and doesn't dare say anything about it.

I know what you mean! I'm not saying that my husband isn't romantic or that he doesnt aknowledge me because he does. As for our anniversary, my birthday and so fourth I dont expect to get anything and I'm fine with that and he doesnt get anything for me only because he knows Im not one that likes to get gift's (crazy right!). I think you have tried to do the right thing in trying to talk to him about it but how about one night when he get's home, put the kid's to sleep and order a pizza and rent a movie and dress up for him and enjoy some "down time" just the two of you, try to "spice" thing's up romantically and emotionally. Sometime's as adults-parents we are soo busy running around trying to get through our daily routines, us women-working, cooking, cleaning, running kids around, our hubby's dealing with their work issue's and it brings alot of stress on us. I think that once in awhile men need to be reminded, believe me! they definately dont think like us! But you try and do little sweet things for him, do the post it's in his lunch, bring that back and i'm sure he'll eventually do the same in return. Don't ever think your over reacting at all! What your talking about is something thats important and needs to be brought back! Talk to him about having a date night, or bust out the wedding photo's over a glass of wine and remind him of the sweet little things he used to do and how much you enjoyed them...Men just need a reminder! I hope it all works out for you! Have a wonderful Holiday season!
Add on** forgot to answer your question...NO, lol, when my husband and I met we had no kid's, we were young and crazy about eachother, we still are BUT now the majority of our focus is on our little family which we don't mind. But I still get flashbacks of our engagement and how shy he was, still is at time's except now he'll burp and blow some bombs lol! But I still love him with all my heart! And he still does tell me that he love's me which I believe is the most important part in a relationship..

By the way you tell the story, it looks as he's in one of those "down" cycle of marriage. Long marriages will have many of ups and downs, so I guess you just started. I would let it go, as long as you guys stay committed there will be a better time.Marriage equals habits - good and bad- I guess mr. "ahuh" got so used to you that it's like "of course she loves me". But that's part of the deal, and, actually, not that bad, if you think he KNOWS you are there for him and always will. Yes, he may be probably taking you for granted a "little bit "(irony here), you may want to stir things up a little bit (in a safe and respectful way) just taking more time for yourself to look more fabulous than usual, to break the routine a little bit. Just while you wait on the bad cycle to go away. And if he still doesn't notice, at least you'll feel good about yourself and you'll do something FOR yourself. I think patience is really important in a marriage, perhaps this is the time to break it out. Good luck!

I haven't received flowers since my second date.... I've been married 9 years. My husband doesn't have a romantic bone in his body, It's sad. I would love to change the man, but I gave up on that a long time ago.

I think all men, to a certain extent, are like this. But if you talk and tell each other your wishes, likes, and wants, that goes a long ways toward what you can expect from each other.

We don't usually exchange gifts between us, because honestly, we don't really need anything and we can save the money. Our daughter buys us gifts (with our money), so it's like we're "buying" each other a gift anyway. We've been doing this this way for the past 11 years, mostly to save money. But my husband just mentioned this month how he'd like us to start giving each other little presents again. So we'll talk about that and maybe start doing something in 2012.

I don't usually get flowers, either. He never gets me flowers for Valentine's Day--we both agree the flower shops want way too much money. Seriously, he just usually never thinks about getting me any. If I happen to be shopping and I see a nice assortment for a good price--I pick them up. And my husband is happy that I do. I don't do this very often, maybe four times a year.

It's not so much he doesn't love me--because I know he loves me very, very much and says so all the time. It has more to do with consumerism and having so much stuff that there's not really anything we "need" that the other person can go and get. We prefer to buy couple presents, where we can spend a little more money and get something that everyone needs/can use.

I love it when he comes up behind me in the kitchen in the morning, wraps his arms around my waist, nuzzles my neck, and tells me how much he loves me. Or he just gives me a warm, tight, heartfelt hug. Those things warm my insides and let me know that my man really, really loves me. They mean more to me than a card, a gift, or even flowers.