Asperger's Question - Springfield,IL

It's common for kids that age to blame "Nobody" and his cousin "I Dunno" when asked who created a mess.
It's not an Aspy thing, it's a kid thing.
Aspy or no, you need consequences for lying.
When my kid spilled/broke something, and lied about it, I explained to her that, had she told me the truth, she would have had to clean up her mess. But since she lied to me, she not only still had to clean up the mess, but also lost privileges for lying.

I would say it's definitely a phase for all kids - in fact, any person I've ever known *on the spectrum* tends to be "hyper-rule-oriented" at that age and prone to lie LESS than kids who are not on the spectrum.
Lying is actually very developmental. It's a "good" thing. Kids are learning fantasy from reality. They are learning what is important to you and that being "in trouble" for doing something "wrong / bad" doesn't feel good (and that they have the power to do something about it...... lie and they don't get in trouble. simple)

The best success I've had in dealing with lying starts with not asking open ended questions. If you KNOW he did it, then don't ASK him. That's a trap. Instead - "A, you have spilled your drink. please get a towel and clean it up". Then you merge into open-ended solutions. "what could you have done differently so that your drink did not spill?" It's more about him learning the PROCESS of HOW to tell you the truth, than about kids just confessing when cornered.

I also think kids at 5 or 6 understand that they are not telling you what actually happened, but they don't yet understand the "emotion" of a lie. *Lying* for most adults has an emotional / betrayal component that just isn't there for most kids. They simply WANT the situation to be different, or they don't want to get in trouble, so they say something other than what happened. It's not malicious the way lying can be as an adult. But we (as adults) feel the same impact.... which isn't on the same level as our kids. So, it's important to bring the lie down to their level...... which is very simple: they want their world to be different for that instance or circumstance or situation. They are not lying TO YOU. They are simply creating a different reality to avoid *whatever*.

I also think that 5/6 can be an age where you have to ramp back up 1:1 interaction. They could play solo at 4 and not get into trouble. But they're smarter now. Also going to school and getting some knowledge/experience that you, as their parent, don't always have knowledge of until it rears it's ugly head. YOU didn't teach them how to use the remote, but they may be using it at school, unbeknownst to you.... until they turn on the TV when you didn't even know they were up. That kind of thing.

One last thought.... my golden rule is to not get too worked up about it. All kids are going to lie. If you freak out, well then it makes it tough for them to come clean. If you keep your cool and keep the line of questions specific and pointed then it opens up dialogue.
You'll end up teaching him that it's better to come clean by making sure your reaction is always about fixing the situation. "I can't help you make sure all the milk is out of the carpet unless you come and tell me you spilled".

They are very literal, they don't intuitively bring social aspects of a transaction into the analysis. So in this case he doesn't understand the social aspect of lying. We humans give weight to intangibles, someone lies to you, you stop believing them. Problem is at his age I am not sure there is a way to explain this connection.

What I went with is lying gets you a worse outcome than telling the truth. That they understand from birth. So if the punishment for spilling is he cleans it up, if he lies about it blaming it on the cat he has to clean something additional. No drama, no lectures, just you lied, now you must do this as well. I can assure you you will never win in a power struggle so don't make it a struggle, you lied, this is what happens, if you tell the truth next time you only have to do this.

Lectures, drama, anything other than this causes that gives them an opening for debate and they will. They do not save up emotional drama like a normal person does so they just don't get that we do.

What I mean, and I am sure you have noticed, full out melt down, they are over it, can I have a hug and he falls into your arms like the past 20 minutes never happened? They don't store that, they are perfectly fine a minute after they are over anything. It is a blessing and a curse but if you understand that they just don't think like you they are far less frustrating. :)

CoCoMom is right on! At 6 he's just learning the difference between truth and fantasy. That's why many 6 yos still believe in Santa and the tooth fairy and are frightened by stories and their own Iimagination.

CoCoMom has described an effective way to teach how to tell the truth. First set the situation up so it's easy to tell the truth. If he blurts out the cat did it respond with something like, "you wish you hadn't spilled the milk." Then it's important to not punish him for either spilling the milk or sayingthe cat did it. Teach how to fix it and how to prevent it happening again. Problem solve with him if spilling the milk could've been prevented.

My grandson who is now 11 has Aspergers and is mostly past this stage. He "lied" infrequently because he wants to be a good boy. He saw his older sister get yelled at for lying. My daughter has little tolerance for anything that seems like a lie. There is a history that has caused this attitude.

My granddaughter has had an active imagination for years. She told stories that were obvious stories. I would respond with "that's an interesting story" or " I think you wished that were true." Then we would talk about the truth/realty. This allowed her to save face while learning that being truthful is a good thing.

Her mother would tell her she was lying and demand that she tell the truth. When my granddaughter refused she was sent to her room in anger. My granddaughter, at 14, still lies. Her mother has labeled her a liar and she lives down to that image.

Lying is serious at 14 but not at 4, 5, 6. We set the foundation for the years ahead when our children are young. This Iis why teaching and discipline are essential. Punishment works for some kids like my grandson. He has difficulty lying because he wants to avoid punisment. This also means he does sometimes lie for the same reason. He is so anxious that Iit's easy to know when he's telling a lie. I think if those wish it were true "lies" had been accepted as a normal stage in development and he'd been shown some empathy he and his parents would be past this. I think that the "lies" are not a part of Aspergers.

Heck yeah, this is very typical for kids. Lots of parents of kids on the spectrum have a reaction to this that would surprise you - it's "OH, THANK GOD", because it's a typical milestone.

A blog friend of mine who is working with me on an autism education website just built ASEforkids.com (Autism Spectrum Explained). She's the non-autistic sister of an autistic sister, and is also a special needs nanny. She's in the process of finishing a special needs counseling degree, so the site should be a HUGE source of info.

You may even be able to ask her questions on the site. She is also on facebook: https://www.facebook.com/#!/autismspectrumexplained

My son's also on the spectrum, so feel free to instant message me :) and you can visit my facebook page for great links to autism resources, and lots of autistic bloggers: https://www.facebook.com/Autistikids?ref=hl#!/home.php

My husband does that. He doesn't have Asperger's. He doesn't want anyone to admit that he did something that was wrong. Usually the chair did it, or my son, or something else. If it's a phase it never ended but he is learning that if you tell one lie then you later have to cover up with another. It is quite possible your son can have a conscience about these things and think he will get into trouble even if he didn't do something terrible he might feel like he did.

There are so many good suggestions here already! So do you corner or not corner, punish or not punish? Its tough.

My husband has Aspergers and still has this problem most likely because he didn't like getting in trouble for the lie as a child so he adapted. Socially the Aspie needs to see that theres something in it for him to tell the truth because it doesn't come through to him to tell the truth so that you will trust him- that doesn't really matter to him. You have to make telling the truth into a positive outcome for him- not just the avoidance of getting into trouble because the lie suits him just fine for that. There is a lack of taking responsibility for actions even when the outcome is basically nothing. Aspies are so literal that they can also twist around your words to make it seem like you are the one at fault for even asking so be careful.

Lying and not telling the truth need to be nipped in the bud early with an Aspie because they find manipulative ways to cope. Since he's young and a diagnosed Aspie he must be in some sort of social therapy, I would speak to his therapist about the right strategy for him.

It's a very common phase in many kids. What may be particular in your son's case is that he's not able to read the social cues in your facial expression, body language, and tone of voice so he's not hearing/seeing your reproach and your disapproval. In that sense it may take longer to get through, and you may not be able to do it in the typical way.

With most kids, consequences are what make an impact. But you have to distinguish between fantasy and outright lying for a bad purpose (to avoid punishment). So if a child says that the cat made the sky blue, you let it go. In fact, maybe you join in with some fantastic fantasizing about other things. But if it's something you cannot tolerate because there's damage or hurt involved, you have to step in.

There are also a lot of parents who work with cellular nutrition to counteract some of the effects of epigenetic changes that seem to result in all kinds of behavioral and neurological changes, from Asperger's to ADD/ADHD, OCD, PDD/NOS, sensory and other issues. We're making headway with a lot of kids and seeing noticeable improvement in 2-4 weeks. Not curing, mind you, but making huge inroads. So there are many resources available to you.

Lying is a normal phase. With all children, it is important to not present the occasion to lie. Don't set him up to fail.

Instead of asking "A, did you spill this?" when you know he did, just state something like, "Oops, you spilled this." and have him help you clean up, or if appropriate ask him "Why did you ____?" instead of "Did you?"

If you didn't see him do it- don't punish him.
Aspy is such an intricate issue- then add in typical kid stuff and you've got your hands full.
Then when you finally catch him red-handed, sit him down and explain how lying isn't a good choice. I don't care how liberal this comes off- listening and communication will always go much further than physical punishments.

Best of luck!