Aspergers? Follow up to Last Post

With the toileting issues added in to yesterday's post, with the kidney and UTI issues likely from withholding urine and feces, his lack of "getting it" on why manners are important, his disinterest in social activities... everything you added here today including yesterday really does paint an Autism picture to me.

And if it's indeed Autism (which Asperger's is, make no mistake) then he will not outgrow it. He will need some specialized, tailored therapies to help him.

You can try minimizing some behaviors by reducing or eliminating some things from his diet such as high fructose corn syrup, artificial food dyes, and see if he's lactose intolerant, gluten intolerant, or has any other food allergies. When a child with Autism doesn't feel well due to food allergies and intolerances their autistic behaviors are worse than they normally would be. Not to mention the chemical components of things like HFCS and food dyes are like giving 40 proof alcohol to a child because their liver and kidneys can't metabolize it, so it courses through their bodies including the brain until they can expel it.

Reducing video games and TV is a must. Those things can be very engaging and educational for an autistic child, but they draw the child away from social interactions. I should say that we caught my daughter's ASD somewhat early... she was in preschool... and she's 9 yrs old now and we still have to really work with her on manners. Hello, good-bye, please, thank you... she's good at it sometimes but most times she needs reminders. It's when eye contact is required that she fudges it. Social awareness and the social niceties and rules that seem obvious to us, even the unwritten ones, are often seemingly impossible even for adult autistics who have had a lot of training and practice.

You might try establishing as much of a stable routine as you can and post it in a couple of easy to see locations in the house. The fridge, the front foyer, his bedroom, the bathroom. Include every major aspect of his day with the time on it. Laminate it. Use velcro for days when you have to add in a variable. He'll probably do well if he doesn't have to deal with surprises as much.

I would also suggest getting the books "Raising a Sensory Smart Child" and "The Out Of Sync Child." They are about Sensory Integration Disorder, but address it very strongly regarding having it with Autism. I also suggest "Different, Not Less" and "The Way I See It" by Temple Grandin. They're all very good reads and you may recognize your stepson in them. There's no shame in ASD... and perhaps with these books you can help your husband see that. There's no shame in asking for help when the family isn't qualified therapists and specialists.

I remember when my oldest was seven. I was talking to his psychiatrist and said we play a lot of video games do you think I should cut back. She said kids with ADHD will fail, they will fail a lot. One thing they are good at is video games, don't take that away from him.

It should never be allowed to interfere with school work and household responsibilities. It is just, in itself, not a bad thing. You listed a mess of things he isn't good at, manners, social skills, friends, so why take away what he is good at.

You should check out Born on a Blue Day by Daniel Tammet. It is the story of a man who has Asperger's from his own point of view. I think it might give your husband a different perspective and understanding of what your son feels like. And, if he isn't a reader, you may have to read interesting passages to him or maybe read the book with him, or to him? It really opened up my eyes to why people with ASD act so differently when we try so hard with normal means to help them and it doesn't work.

Your SS is NOT immature, or not just immature, but he has really social and maybe medical NEEDS that are not being met by ignoring them, and your husband needs to understand that. I don't know how to get through to him though, maybe find a counselor that can help you help him understand. He may need some sensory deprivation exercises toreally be able to comprehend that your son needs help! The earlier the better and the better chance he has at living a normal life, but he is not going to have shot at one if things don't change.
(Since mom and dad can't seem to "get" it, maybe that's why god gave him you as a stepmom to take care of the little guy that you so obviously love. Good for you, someone has to protect him and I'm so glad he has you on his side!)

Oh I feel for you and your stepson. I'm sure his teachers notice the same things you have noticed. Trying to get the school involved could help with getting the parents to be more open.
People with Asperger's have many strengths which should be recognized. A vast majority of boy's with aspergers are intrigued by systems and are amazingly talented in working with technology (including video games). By taking away video games, etc. you may be taking away a "safe place" for him and keeping him from feeling successful and relaxed. (By the way "tv time" and video game playing do not cause Asperger's or ADHD; children with these conditions are drawn to these activities for specific reasons.) I recommend reading up on Asperger's so you can understand more about it. The following is an extraordinary book and it might help you in explaining Asperger's to your husband because it takes a very positive and affirming approach to so-called disabilities:
Neurodiversity: Discovering the Extraordinary Gifts of Autism, ADHD, Dyslexia, and Other Brain Differences by Thomas Armstrong

Perhaps you can get your husband to read something. There are so many excellent therapies and services for children with Asperger's, but a diagnosis is needed. Social skills therapy can be so helpful for a child.
He is lucky that he has you to be his advocate and champion. Keep up the good fight!

Oh this breaks my heart that things didn't go well with your DH last night but please do not be daunted.

Honestly the biggest red flag to me of all you have written is the toe walking (referenced in the other post). Toe walking past age 3 is a major, major red flag. You know how with Down Syndrome and Cerebral Palsy there are physical markers and signs that there are neurological problems? Toe walking is like that with Autism. The prevalence of toe walking is much higher in the population of those on the Autism spectrum than in the general population. I realize that my personal experience isn't data, but I can say that every child I've met who has consistently toe walked past age 3 (about 5 kids) has some form of Autism.

Perhaps with something that obvious and physical you can get your husband to consent to a doctor's appointment. He will need to address this because the window of time to physically correct this is small and if you don't intervene while a child is growing, it may lead to other musculo-skeletal problems down the road.

Maybe for now you just have to be persistent in getting your husband and your SS's mom to treat his various symptoms and then later they'll have to hear the truth from someone else that puts it all together.

FWIW I would try to get a hold of the school psychologist before school starts and things get crazy. Many of the support staff do work during the summer - you can call and find out when he or she is around and try to do what you can.