At My Wits End - Gwynn Oak,MD

He's sort of at that age where you dont have a whole lot of control over what decisions he's making. You may need to let him fail just so he sees what its like. Best to do it this year rather than wait till he gets to High School. He wont want to be held back or considered remedial. let him know that is probably want is going to happen.... and you cant fix it for him, he has to fix it himself.
Maybe a cute tutor will inspire him? Ask if there is an option like that available. There is something he isnt telling you.... you need to get to the bottom of that and I think you will then be enlightened.

I feel for you! I'm sort of going through this as well and today she is staying after school and working with one of the teacher's that she has a connection with. Is there anyone like that? Or is there a smart friend that they could study with after school.

I was told last year that they need to fail in order for them to understand what it feels like and grow from it. But that said, that's awful and hard to do.

Good luck!

To become a stay at home mom, you must first cut some of those day to day expenses. You will not believe how much we have lived on just so I could stay home with my children. And we do not rely on the government to pay for our food or anything. When people say they can't be a stay at home Mom, they need to evaluate what is really important here...

The issue at hand, however, is your pre-teen. I have a 10 year old son who is going through just about the same thing. We have talked with the teacher and she has agreed to allow him to stay after school two days a week to make up any work he is behind in.

Also schools have counselors. Make an appointment with the counselor. Tell him/her what is going on without your child being there. Then have a meeting with your child and the counselor.

The root of the problem needs to found quickly. He may just be bored at school... but even so he needs some kind of motivation to try harder. Maybe he is having emotional issues... going to a counselor would help bring those out.

Good Luck!

I get dramatic with my kids, after showing up at their school in sweat pants and slippers once, they tend to listen to my threats. :-)

Work with his teachers. Get the assignments directly from them, check your sons work every day, then call the teachers to see if it was turned in. In essence, he's acting like a child, treat him like a child.
Walk into his classroom and ask his teacher in front of everyone if Jr. turned in his homework assignment. Make it harder on him NOT to do his work.

Well, first off, I feel for you! I've been through this already with two of my boys and it really is an age thing. My biggest suggestion is meet with the teacher and make sure he's there with you! The teacher can really point out how it's going to affect him and he will know that you and the teacher will be communicating. Hang in there, you will get through this!

He's at the age where it's on him and no one else to get his business taken care of, at least as far as school goes. I told my daughter early on in her school career that I was not going to remind her to do her homework, that I was not going to check to see if it was done, and that I was not going to bring it to her at school if she didn't pack it up before she left. That was HER job, not mine. If she needed help with a specific question or project, all she had to do was ask, and I would help her, but SHE had to take the initiative. If she didn't do what she as supposed to doo, then she would have to take the consequences of failing the assignment, or possibly even repeating a grade if she failed too many assignments.
Letting him experience the natural consequences of his actions may be what it takes to get him motivated.

I agree a parent/child/teacher conference might help. Also, can you keep an eye on his assignments online? That way you'll recognize the tryth/lies when you hear it.
Also, you might just have to let him fall on his face and see if that snaps him back to reality. Easy to say/hard to do, I know.
Good luck!

Is there someone at school he trusts, like a counselor or teacher? Does he feel challenged in his current classes? Or, he might not understand the material the way his fellow classmates do causing embarrassment. It's easier to 'give up' then to ask for help sometimes. Did he suddenly stop trying or has he eased into giving up? Does he like his school? Teachers?

He does need to understand there will be serious consequences for not trying - worst case, failing and having to repeat courses, possible the entire year. No one wants that. I would sit down with all his teachers and his guidance counselor and try to work out an intervention plan. Figure out where he excels and where he needs the most help. Try and build his self-confidence. Does he play any sports? I'd get the coach involved too. He needs to connect his choices now to his life down the road. Maybe get him involved (possibly involuntarily) in volunteer situations where people made bad choices but are now trying to get their lives back together. Expose him to people who can tell him how important education is to success later in life. Show him documentaries...there are plenty of kids all over the world that would do anything for a good education.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Don't give up. Something or someone will reach him. Take care - J

It would be my guess that your son has a learning difference of some sort. Many children that do have a different learning style and they manage to hide their quiet struggle and get through until this age, when they start to tank.

Children like this often don't want to appear dumb (which of course they are not. In fact they are often brilliant. They just don't learn the same way most kids do so the school is not getting through to them) so they act out or act like they don't care as a cover up. They don't really understand what is happening. They just know when everyone else is doing the "mad minute" in math they can't concentrate and keep up. So they think they are dumb. When in fact if they were allowed to do their math at their own pace, or have it explained to them in terms that they understand......they would soar and could even be top of their class.

If you think this is a possibility and If you can afford it, get him tested to figure out what he needs. The school may be willing to test at no cost. You may even want to choose an affordable private school (or find scholarship money) with small classrooms or specifically for learning differences. Lots of kids can go for just a year or two, get back on track by learning learning strategies, and then return to public school. If that is not a possibility after testing you may be able to find a savvy tutor that could work with him.

Best of Luck!

i'm not there (yet), but i feel for you. my only real thought is to listen to him. don't continue to give advice or prod him about homework. ask him what is going on, then stay quiet until he opens up. then, be sure not to tell him he's wrong or lecture or anything once he does tell you what is wrong. listen with neutrality.

all the best!

My brother went through something like this when he was in 7th grade. Turns out it wasn't 'cool' to be doing well in school. So he purposely forgot to turn things in or would do bad on a test so that other guys would like him and he wasn't the one throwing the grade curve. My mom yanked him to a psychologist so fast his head spun. She was two seconds away from giving him a drug test. Finally, during the dr. visit he admitted what was going on. Some guys were picking on him. He wouldn't defend himself because he wasn't supposed to fight at school. He'd get in trouble. She told him "Well that is no excuse to fail. If you fail, are they going to be there with you? No, they will probably move on and then they'll pick on you for being held back.... Your not supposed to be bullied at school either, and if I get called to the office because you defended yourself I will not be mad"..... later that week he 'defended' himself and came flying into the house happy as he'd been in months. Retold the story to each person that came in. After that the grades started going up again.

Whether or not you decide to stay home is a personal, family decision. If the problem is at school, will you being home all day waiting til he comes home help? Will the family having to go without something because of the cut income make him feel better or worse? Would you hold it against him because you couldn't something because you were staying home for him?

One thing that helped me was an after school tutor program. I would meet with a tutor 2x a week after school.

For my son when he was in 2nd grade, he had (still has ) no organization skills. For him it took me taking him into school 15m early 1 day a week, and pulling all of the papers out of his desk. Everything he had been missing was crammed in the back and 'forgotten'. The teacher sorted through what was done but not handed in, what could be finished at home, what not. I stood there while he finished the 'not' stuff. After 6 weeks of this he got back on track.

A teenager, tweenager , preteen, or whatever you want to call them can bring down a nation! I'm just always so sorry when I hear of a child not living up to their potential or even trying. I'm sure there isn't a thing in the world you wouldn't do for your children-and yet, your oldest won't confide in you or do what is expected of him. It was explained to me that children are afraid of being judged and that they are afraid that your opinion of them will diminish if they voice their fears or weaknesses-so-they saboutage themselves before they even have a chance to legitmately fail. It often seems as though they would rather not do anything and fail, than try very, very hard and fail-that would mean they have a fault and that they are not just being beligerant. Get counseling, get a mentor, get all the teachers together-show him that failure is not an option-track his homework and don't believe him when he tells you it's done-have him evidence it. Email assignments like term papers and the like directly to the teacher and don't assume that he will turn them in. Find something he is good at-I don't care what it is-tennis, voluteering, reading to little kids, dog walking, paper route, cooking, karate, whatever-and make sure he does it and do everything possible to encourage and facilitate his progress. Try not to say anything negative. If you hear about a missed assignment -say-okay-let's do it together-you explain it to me, and together, we can get a handle on it and turn it in for partial credit. Your son's teacher need to have a vested interest in his success, as well. They should be tripping over themselves to help him-it's their JOB-they opted for it-and they need to figure it out-how they are going to help your son. Don't cave into the boo-freaking-hoo excuses-if they don'tt want to teach then they shouldn't have been teachers. That's not your problem. If the bad behavior has not yet happened in school-it's coming-nip this in the bud now-no matter what it takes-even if it drains your time, energy and resources-it will be worth it now to isolate the problem and fix it. My heart is with you-I am praying for you and all the millions of other parents going through what you are enduring-you are not alone-we are all in this together-don't, don't, don't give up.

A pre-teen is not old enough or mature enough to handle all of life's problems. Find the source of the problem and help him where he needs it.

I wouldn't allow my kids to decide if they were or weren't going going to do their homework until they graduated high school. Our family standard was you do your homework.

As a pre-teen he may be struggling with his hormones and his first crush and he may not know how to deal with it. Unrequited love does such things to adults. Why wouldn't a preteen have problems dealing with that?

Are his friends into drugs?

Good luck to you and yours.

I agree with everyone who mentioned getting in touch with the school counselor. I was a teacher, and I can tell you that by contacting the school (teacher and counselor) you'll be helping them to focus on this problem along with you before your son is too close to failing. After school tutoring and extra help should be available also, even if they serve only as a place for your son to do the work. If the extra intervention does not help, at least you'll be a step closer to discovering the root of the problem -- you'll be able to rule out lack of help or time to do the work as causes. Good luck.

D.,

Have him evaluated by a neuropsychologist. You need to know if there are any unidentifed issues with his processing. What you are seeing is extreemly common for very bight kids who are suddenly overwhelmed by school in the late elementary, middle school, junior high school time frame. They are smart, and they suddenly have an issue that they cannot explain, and since they have always done well, and cannot for the life of them figure out how to bypass this issue and find success, they act like they don't care. It is easier to admit that they don't really care when they are clueless about why this is happening, and they secretly think that you have been lying to them all along about how smart they are...they may have had some massive coping strategies to overcome mild issues that have just caught up with them and they can no longer overcome and succeed, and nobody has noticed because they have superior skills in some other region that was able to carry them over, but now they need some targeted intervention to help them develop new stratgies.

This may be out of pocket, but you need to own this information for yourself. The school is responsible for his education, so if he is on the verge of failure, he should be evlauted by them as well, however, do not count on them getting to the bottom of this as quickly as you can. You should never know less than they do anyway, so invest in your son and get an private evaluation that will keep the school honest. I would be willing to bet that there is a major dip on one area of his processing that is causing this issue, and once you help him with appropriate services and therapies, he will change his tune about not caring.

Call a neuropyschologist, and write the school and ask for an educational evaluation to determine your son's needs for targeted intervention services to keep him from failing. Anything you do with the school needs to be in writing, if it happend over the phone and you cannot hold a copy of it in your hand, it never happened at all. Write.

Log on to www.wrightslaw.com and learn about advocacy, and you might pick up a book by Dr. Mel Levine called "The Myth of Layziness" you may see your son in the pages.

M.

D.,
I wish I could go back to when my, now, 16 son was a pre-teen. I would do things differently. He started falling behind around 6th grade. I constantly listened to his teachers and school official telling me, "If he would only...." -turn in his homework, get his class work done, not lose his work. No one wanted to help him because he "just needed to" get his work, apply himself.

My son is a high school junior and now, finally, this school is doing something. The school here offers intervention for kids like mine, who don't have special education needs. But aren't succeeding in school. Call the school, met with the counselors, ask to have your son evaluated for special needs. Keep calling the school, and teachers. Don't give up. Some kids don't function in the box.

Email the teachers every few days. Let them know that you need real time communication to help your son stay on task and do his work in a timely manner. Some will resist the communication but be persistent. You are your son's advocate.

Good luck.
~K.

I think that schoolwork and honestly aren't the root of the problem. He sounds like he could be depressed to me and in that case, he needs help. You might not be the person he will open up to -- I would be looking for a confidant or a counselor for him.