At the End of My Rope with My 11 Year Old Son!

I also have an 11 year old sone in 5th grade. First of all I see that he thinks ( and I mean thinks) he is a grown up. They are getting a little older and think that they don't need their parents. This started last year with my son and come to find out he was having problems with another child in his class, is it possible that something like that could be going on or maybe some "inner" self confidence problem that he is having? I think this is kind of standard for 5th grade as they are getting closer to middle school and it is also the end of the year, all kids in school are getting antsy!

Good luck!
S.

We're in EXACTLY the same boat! The music teacher called us the other day to come GET our son because he was so disruptive in the musical practice that they couldn't move forward with practice. The whole 5th grade was there, and one boy disrupted the entire thing - OUR boy! And yes, with the homework, etc.

The difference in our case is that this has been a constant for a couple of years now, and we do think we're making progress. Because this is just starting in your home, it's probable that something is going on that is disturbing your son. I don't really have a lot of advice, except that you have to use every resource to figure out the problem. Our son doesn't like to tell us. With the musical it turned out that he wanted to be painting the sets instead of singing. But he caused trouble for three weeks before we got it out of him.

If he won't talk to you about what's bugging him, who might he be most willing to talk to? They say it takes a village. Is there a special adult friend, uncle, grandparent? Have you visited the teacher? The school counselor? Have you hung out at school, at Sunday school, at his recreational activities (softball or whatever) or on the playground for a day? Who does he play with? How do they treat him? Who does he shy away from?

Good luck. I'm sure others will have better advice for you, but you have my support! Let us know what happens.

Hi H.,
Well I am first gonna say I am no expert by any means but I can only tell you I have been in your very shoes and still am. So I have a 15 yr old now and for the last 3 years he has gotten poor grades and although we were grounding him and taking things away it does/done no good. Now he is in his freshman year of high school and hasn't passed one class at all for the whole year.

So I can only say make sure you and your husband are on the same page for what you want and what you are willing to do or not to do, as my husband and I weren't up until recently. I always thought my husband was being to hard on him now I see maybe I should of let him and it would've made a difference.

The next thing take everything away and I mean EVERYTHING, privleges, toys, games, tv, sports, everything and anything. The only thing he should have in his room is his bed and clothes. I can tell you we have a contract with my son and he was to turn in every assignment from the begining of april till now and he hasn't, I got a call from his science teacher that he will not be passing his class, not that I was surprised, so when I get the grade card everything is coming out of his room. There will only be a bed and his clothes. We I believe have over indulged our son and not made stiffer consequences, been tougher on our punishments and have taken his word at face value. With my son now being 15 I feel as though I'm at the point where I can no longer hold his hand but at the sametime if he doesn't graduate high school than where will he be and how will he make it in life ? I can only say do everything in your power to wake him up, take everything away, allow him no freedom, no telephone, no communication with the outside world.
The contract we have set up with my son also states that he has to attend summer school and pass the 2 classes that they are taking for summer school also he turned 15 in Janurary he was and is able to get his learners permit but I am not allowing him to get it till he makes C's or better in every class. I feel like if he can't pass his classes at school and br responsible than why would he be able to handle the responsibility of driving.
My son is into xbox games and computer games so he isnt hanging around a different crowd, he could be doing far worse things and I am greatful he's not but it would be nice if I could add that he is getting good grades to the list.

I'm not sure what else I can tell you or advice I can give you but only to make his life real sh*tty, I wish I would've along time ago with my son. But I can tell you that his life will be here in a week as soon as I get the proof I need. His 3 younger siblings are not gonna be able to get by with anything. And they are about to gain a computer to play on.

If I can help you anymore let me know W. mom of 4

Ask your son what will help him and give hime ideas to choose from. I wrote a book with creative actions that can boost his mood, get him on track when he feels lethargic, and he can use the ideas that fit his needs. Both my kids get straight A's from this form of guidance instead of discipline. I only 'help' them limit tv or vg when it is out of balance and they are having trouble balancing their fun, chores, and school.

Mostly, your son needs your guidance and ideas so HE can get back on track. Some of the ideas in my book are to write a letter, song, poem, story, comic or draw a picture when my kids feel frustrated or angry. They express themselves in a non-hurtful way, and when they share it with me afterwards, we work it out.

The only rule I have about grades is that when my kids get anything less than an A, I will make sure they learn it at home afterwards. My kids feel free to make the grades they want. They choose to learn at school instead of home - get A's - instead of taking double their time to learn it, that's all. It's parental guidance and it works!

Good luck,
B.
www.twominutemom.com my book is $9.95

I would talk to him about stuff that is going on at school...or even at home. Maybe he's getting picked on by other kids or something. Also, if there has been tensions between you and your husband (even if it happened AFTER the first couple of outbursts) he could be picking up on that. Lots of things can affect how a child performs in school.

I DO know that taking things away (privleges, toys, etc.,) won't help your situation, and will make things worse, by putting a rift between you two, which will make it even harder to figure out the real problem. Try to talk to your child (yes, it will take time), more than likely there is an underlying problem, such as a bully. Good luck!!!

I am am old school teacher and operate an Early Childhood Program. I have seen these kinds of stories for a long time.

I would first tell you to talk to his teacher. I would also request that he meet with the school counselor. If this an emotional issue (what if he is trying to stay out of middle school.) He probably is not even couscious of this impending major change and its ramifications, but feels something.

You may also be right with questioning his hormones. The growing up process seems to be moving down younger and younger. He may be over-whelmed with the stories that his friends are bragging (anything from girls to drugs) that he feels totally unprepared to deal with. The thought of leaving his school and teachers he knows could also be part of this puzzle. Talk to your pediatrition and see if he can make some suggestions. Talk to your minister and see if he has any repore with your son. Keep looking for some answer.

Remember there is no one answer. There are lots of directions that this could be going. I am sure that you are so frustrated and concerned for him. Try to keep up a positive relationship (talk about other issues besides school and problem areas.) He may not know why he is acting/feeling this way, and you need to keep options for conversation open, so that if he can verbalize his problems at some point, he will come to you.

Know that every parent faces these issues at one time or another (even if they won't admit it!!). Try not to yell at him about this, if he isn't making changes, send him to whatever discipline works (grounding, chores, taking special items of importance). Make sure that he understands that you are having to discipline him because he "is asking for it". Do not take the blame for being mean, so out of it, or whatever. Try to remain calm, which is so hard, as this such an emotionally charged situation.

Be prepared that this is not going away over-night, but in little bits and pieces. Try to keep track when one behavior changes, so that you can point to his success.

Good luck. I don't have all of these answers, but understand how difficult it is when your good kid changes over-night.

J. Loftus
Willow Woods Child
Development Center

First off, I hope he is not being mean to the little one you babysit. Second, I would get him into a class for misbehaved kids until he can act right. Its not fair on the other kids that are acting right. You have to be tough on him. I went through this!!!!

H.:

Has anything changed it the past few months? If all of the sudden his behavior has changed,and he is doing poor in school, it may be directly related to a change in the home (or school). How do you handle him not doing his homework, and/or failing grades in school? How is he doing at home?

A.

Hello H.,

Well, I don't have any teenagers yet, but I do know that my husband was a problem child. He was very rebellious and nothing seemed to work. He was VERY smart, but just didn't care. His mom also tried everything, but nothing seemed to work. The problem was that she was too strict with him and tried to take everything away, and that just made him even more mad. I'm kind of glad that he was that way, because now we can go by what not to do, and I think that will help us out a lot. He and I both believe that taking everything away from your son will make him rebel even more. If he had good grades before, and just doesn't feel like doing his homework, then maybe you should step back and let him make that choice. I know that sounds stupid and crazy, but chances are he'll see you giving him the choice, and that will make him want to do it more. We're also taking a class at our church about parenting and they state that kids like to take the initiative in doing things, and not be forced, only encouraged.

Maybe ask him why he doesn't want to do the school work and what would help him to want to do it again. This way you're getting him involved in the choices that are being made. Maybe there's a place where he's been wanting to go, or something he's wanted to do. You could reward him for reaching certain goals, but try not to bribe. There really is a fine line between a reward and a bribe. To me, a reward is something that is unexpected, and is given without the person knowing it is coming. A bribe is something you offer in order to get someone to do something that you want them to do. The goal here is him getting to the point where he wants to do the school work and it's enjoyable for him. He will also see how proud you are of him and that will make him want to do it even more.

Another thing that he might need is some time alone with you. He may be craving that one on one time. Maybe make a special time for him everyday--maybe only 20 min--to sit and talk and just be together. With my husband, he had 2 older sisters that were really involved in a lot of activities, and he never got to spend any time with his parents. They coached softball and did other things and had no time for him. He was their little "tag-a-long." It makes me sad when he talks about it. One time they even left him at the ball field when he was 5--all by himself! He was really starving for attention. I know his parents loved him, but they didn't realize what they were doing to him and what would be to come in the future. He's an amazing dad and husband and doesn't let it affect his relationships now. This may have nothing to do with your situation, but I just thought I'd share with you that you may not even know it, but he may just need some more attention.

I hope everything works out!
Liz W.

Have you thought about taking him to a psychologist? I went thru the same thing when I was a kid. It helped becuz I could talk to someone other than my parents or my teacher..

Hi H.,

First, I want to say, "Good for you! for asking for help and suggestions." The answer to your question obviously lies within your son's mind. And, it's you and your husband's job to help him express it. I have a 10 year old son(almost 11) and two other sons ( 9 and 3)...and have noticed possibly some hormonal changes with the oldest. I read a book titled "Mothers and Sons" something like that...and it discusses specifically this age range and how difficult it can be with their bodies changes and hormones racing (just like girls, only it's testosterone!) It was an enlightening book and I contemplated giving it to my son to read so that maybe between the two of us we could recognize the issues and deal with them together. You know, sort of head them off before they get full blown. The only (different) advice I can give you is something I learned (also from a psychology related reading) is that boys/men open up and talk to you when you are working or playing side by side. Whereas, females can open up and discuss things face to face much easier. Sometimes it's as simple as Dad tinkering in the garage with his son, or shooting hoops, or playing a game, or some other non-threatening 'side by side' activity. I don't mean to say just Dads...moms can do these 'side by side' activities with their sons and get the same results. Think of something you can do together...whether it's playing a game, or working in the yard, or whatever he likes to do and you can join him...then, let the 'talking' begin. I think it's also important for your son to know that you love him no matter what and that you want to help him be happier. It must be miserable in his shoes right now...he can't be proud of himself and his antics, but even if it's negative attention...it's getting him attention. (That may not be what he's after, but it may be his way of trying to express what's eating away at him?) I really feel for you and want to encourage you to keep your cool and let him always see you calm and in control in a loving way that whatever it is that's causing his behavior, you are committed to resolving it and getting your family back to a more normal...healthy place. I hope this helps.

Well the best advice I can give you would be to talk to him. It seems as if this is about something other than school if he does good when he tries and is able to get good grades normally. I have learned first hand that kids act out only when they feel they need something they are not getting. My kids have had it hard going through lots of changes since being gone from their dad. My older daughter is turning 12 this month and she has been acting out alot since I have now started doing in home parties and she has to spend time away from me. I put her and her sister with family and she gives them a hard time being she does not like me working. The best thing you can do is talk to your child send them to talk to someone at school if they wont open up to you. It is so important to find out bc it is much more than just grades!
Good luck!! If you want to talk drop me line..
____@____.com
C.

To pass this on, a friend of mine was in a simillar situation and she enrolled her son in karate. Now this is a cost but after a few months it really made a difference. She put her son in Karate for Kids (locations in Liberty & Gladstone). They taught respect and discipline not to mention it was his main source of excercise. Because it is not a "team sport" it focuses on the individual and progress is based on how well the child performs. So they go at their own pace. I must say I have noticed a difference in how he acts. It also builds self confidence and self esteem. If it something you can afford, I would try it out. I know when my friend started her son, they gave her a month of free classes (twice a week) to try it out first. I think she pays $100 a month for it, first uniform is included.

Working with kids is what I do for a living and I promise you that if you work with a child from a perspective of "absolutes" they will be able to match you with 10 times the intensity. Taking away everything from a child creates a sense of loss and hopelessness...and who wants to try, even a little, when thier world is hopeless?

There are a couple of things that come to mind. First, do you know your sons friends? Do they hang out at your house, or is he always wanting to go somewhere else? Is he secretive with his friendships? No one wants to think about thier children being depressed, but eleven year olds can become severely depressed. This is also the age when kids begin to experiment with drugs. (pot and huffing--especially at this age). I know people will read this and hesitate, but trust me, I know people who's children have committed suicide under the age of 14. Take behaviors seriously.

Second, is there may be a learning disorder of some kind. Often times, kids can do really well in the early elementary grades, but when the material begins to intensify, thier learning slows a bit. This is NOT an intelligence issue, but more of an issue on how the brain processes information. Sometimes, kids can't remember what they read, or they can't focus on the material in class. Sometimes, kids have attention issues, but they are easily overlooked because the child is sweet, kind, charming and can "play off" the fact that they are not understanding the material as well as they should be. This definitely catches up to them in later elementary years.

My suggestions are: (1) Take your child to a psychiatrist and therapist, and have them evaluated for attention issues and/or social issues. Have problems identified or ruled out in order to make things easier to deal with. (2) Have the school do testing to see if there are learning issues. Request in WRITING..an IEP (individual education plan) to see if there are any deficiets in your sons learning capabilities. They will do educational testing to determine if this is an issue. Getting hard evidence from the people with have knowledge and work with your son, will be better that getting advice from strangers...even though I hope this is helpful. Takecare, and if you need anything, write back