At What Age Did You Give Your Child Some Independence?

We live on a cul-de-sac, so my kids ride around the cul-de-sac. The next block over is a smaller cul-de-sac ( 2 houses on each side, so I do allow my kids ( 5 yr old twins, and 9yr old) to ride over there. I can see them from my back deck. They rides bike with some friends on that block. I do not like the younger ones to go on the other cul-de-sac unless they are with my 9yr old.
I do not allow my kids to go around a block in which I can not see them.

I do not and will not let my children ride their bikes around the block by themselves. My oldest is only 4, but i know at 5 and 6 (or even 8 or 9 for that matter) my mind will definitely not change. I may be a little on the protective side (or a freak lol) but you really can never be too careful these days. You really never know what can happen, even though you are in a neighborhood that you feel is "safe" you really just don't know who is driving through your neighborhood, or who your neighbors "really" are. Anything can happen. I do remember when I was a kid running around the neighborhood with friends and there were no worries, becuase it was a different world back then. I just don't see letting my kids out of my sight for any amount of time, right now or any time in the next few years (at least). I may be a freak, and over protective, but it is for my kids safety. That said, I have a friend, who let her 5 year old ride her bike up and down her street and walk around, without her supervision (which I completely disagreed with) and she had a neighbor call child protective services on her. So now she is going through a huge thing, that could have been avoided had she kept a closer watch on her daughter. Please be careful, you really don't want that happening to you.

Edited to add more:

Yes, horrible things happened 30 years ago as well, but it wasn't heard of as often. Now, we KNOW this is happening, and WHAT can happen to our children, we are more educated about it and we CAN keep our kids safer now, and I think we all have the obligation to do so. Even if the statistics aren't "high" statistics....I am happy knowing that I am doing everything in MY power to make sure that my children are NOT in those statistcis, however low they may be, those 100 kids are somebody's kids and they *could* be yours, mine or somebody you know. I just don't think you could ever be too careful when it comes to your kids. I do educate my children on safety in a way not to scare them. They know that they are not to go outside without mommy, they know they are to stay close in a store (actually they know they need to hold a hand or the cart), they know not to talk to strangers unless mommy says its ok, they know all of this, and my son is the most outgoing little boy, who I have NOT scared, but have made him aware that things can happen, and that they need to stay by mommy. That said...I don't judge any mom that does things differently, we all have different levels of comfortability here. I am merely expressing my opinions, and answering the question "At what age did you give your child some independence?" in a very long drawn out response LOL. My answer to that question is definitely not any time soon.

About the school bus comment: I do know that I can be overly protective, and my answer to this question will show that I am sure. My kids will not be riding on a school bus until they are not suppose to be legally in a car/booster seat anymore, which is age 8 or 80 pounds. Until then, I will be driving them to and from school.

This is getting super long but I wanted to reply to this remark:
Just thought I would throw this out there...You have a much better chance of winning the lottery than of your child being abducted outside. For those who don't send their kids on the school bus until they are out of a booster seat, you are probably putting so much fear and anxiety into your child!

My children do not know my reasoning behind not letting them ride the bus. We haven't come to that point in time yet. My son actually had a field trip for preschool last year...he was only 3 years old, and they rode a bus without seatbelts. I chose to drive my son and attend the field trip with him, and he enjoyed that even more becuase he felt special that his mommy was there with him. Honestly, your remark really ticks me off and I really don't know how to respond without getting mean. Just know that your statement is completely ridiculus. My children are very outgoing, well rounded children and they are not fearful or anxious becuase they have a mother who cares so much about their safety. They are better children becuase of it.

She's a f'ing loon, in my opinion. I'm sorry you had to put up with that! Nothing like finding out your neighbors are crazy. And unfriendly.

Our neighborhood setup is a little different - there are alleys, but no driveways at all, so I let my kids go up and down the block alone pretty young. Around the block when they can prove they can be very careful about looking and crossing the alley (for my older son, that was about age 6.) Like your son, he has to check in every little while.

It sounds like the scariest danger in your neighborhood is that scary "smother" of a neighbor! Too bad she didn't take the opportunity to get to know you and your son - the more parents who watch out for our kids, the more freedom and fun all of our kids can have.

I'm editing my response after reading some of the others to add, all of you should read The Gift of Fear, and read the statistics on stranger abduction - which almost never happens! You are more likely to win the lottery, honestly. It's like 100 kids a year. The automobile fatality statistics are 100 A DAY! Your kids are much more likely to be abused by a friend, a boyfriend, an uncle, a priest, than some stranger on the street.

I try to focus my energy where it will do some good. Teach kids what to do in case of the worst, and use that excess worry energy for things like remembering to change the smoke alarm batteries, making sure the car seats are installed correctly - things that actually are a danger to worry about.

Kristi-

I feel like my responding to your posting is responding to some of the responses as well. I know that we don't want to think that something is going to happen in our neighborbood to our children, but the fact remains that it DOES in fact happen! I am not really a statistics person but... I do not wish for my son to be a statistic because I wanted to believe that things happen in small numbers and I'm NOT one of those numbers! Better safe than sorry. Period!

Good luck to you as I am sure you will make the right choices for your children- You obviously are concerned for his well being otherwise you would not have asked for opinions-

Good Day-

My daughter is 8.5yr and I still refuse to let her ride her bike/rollerblade/walk around the block by herself or even with any friends her age for that matter. I am sorry, its my opinion. Today's day and age is ALOT different than when I grew up(I'm 39). We used to be able to "disappear" all day and come back for dinner and be fine. I am not comfortable with my daughter being out of my sight for that long a period, even though it takes about 10 minutes to ride around the block. You never know who is driving thru the nieghborhoods anymore and while we do not have any sex offenders in out neighborhood, there are quite a few that live in close proximity to me, and coupled with the fact that there are ALOT of gang members moving to the suburbs from chicago, I am not comfortable letting her be "alone". One never knows what can happen, and while I will not always be able to "shelter" her or protect her, at 8.5yrs old, you can bet I will do all I can.

K.
www.arkparties.com

K.,
Today's world is very different then when we were children. It has nothing to do with independence when he is only 5. You could live in a really good area, and have slim (putting it lightly) driving in a car looking for children who are not with a parent.

If you are letting your child "out of your sight", then neighboors/moms will react. This is your choice to let him do this, then remember you'll suffer the comments by others.

As for the school bus..."Do you let your kids ride the school bus with no seat belt?" We dont have a choice there, do we?
But you do.

I had to respond to this because I am a Mom and have been for almost 16 years. I was riding in my neighboorhood last night around 6:30 after dropping off my son at LW-East for a football game. Driving home I saw someone who (gut feeling) didnt belong...scary! He choose the back roads and I followed him for awhile. Till he finally got on a major road. If this guy was in your neighboorhood, and your son was "out of your sight", could you deal with that? Are you willing to take that chance? because it only takes a second!

So some of us are in your words FREAKS. I've been a FREAK for 16 years and dont regret one minute, and have never had to 2nd guess or question my choices...

I think you are doing JUST FINE. Like I said on another post today, I think we have become very paranoid as a society and that in general most people are GOOD. Teach your child to be safe, teach them who they can go to for help, when to check in, etc. Ask the neighbors that you trust to help keep an eye on him, if they are out. GOOD GRIEF! When I was little I went out to play, had to check in, knew where I could go if I skinned my knee, knew my address and phone number. All my neighbors looked out for ALL the kids, not just theirs, and I can even remember getting a swat on the bum from one neighbor when I mouthed off to her. I had to go into her house, call my mom and tell her what I had done! I got in trouble with the neighbor AND my mom! I learned to respect and trust adults, not fear and distrust them! What is the matter with people??? *sigh*
I support your decisions 100%!

I am not sure how old you are but I am 41 and things certainly are alot different today than when I was a kid. I too was scolded by a neighbor for allowing my son to go around the block by himself. In my neighborhood all the moms are out with there children and will not even allow there children out of the yard. They have scheduled play dates and can not just go and play with the neighbors children without there mom coming over too. When I grew up we played outside all summer and would only come home for lunch and dinner. The moms all knew us kids and would communicate with each other as to whose house the kids are at now, and we would eat lunch at friends house and vice versa. Take your scolding with a grain of salt. I did.

This is a very personal decision. Whether one of us says we would let our 5-6 yr. old go do that or not is completely personality and environment-based. Unfortunately though, even in the best of neighborhoods abductions occur and today is NOT the same world you and I grew up in. Personally, again, personally, I would not let my kids ride bikes out of my sight at 5 or 10. that's just me. I think it would be more around 11-12 that I would let them out of my sight "roaming" the neighborhood alone. My attitude is around the block or a mile away, if I can't see them, they are far enough and vulnerable enough to be hurt by an unwelcome individual. It takes seconds for someone to grab a kid off a bike and take off. Beyond that point we know what happens...I don't want to scare you or sound paranoid, but this is just reality. Why take the chance with our kids safety. What about getting on a bike and going with him? He probably would enjoy that even more. There are also safer ways to give kids independence than letting them go alone outside.

I live in a very safe suburb and I did not let my children ride around the block until they were around 7 or 8. They had to check in each time they went around the block.At 5 I was still going outside with them. Everyone is different when it comes to parenting. I have neighbors who let their 3 and 4 year old play outside in front by themselves. I feel this is way to young, but it is not up to me.WE are letting our almost 18 year old daughter walk home from work by herself at 11:00 and I have people telling me that we should be picking her up because it is too late. We have her call when she leaves work and we walk and meet her half way. She will be leaving for college next fall, whose going to be there to pick her up then. I rather she becomes more independent now when I am only a few minutes away.(of course I worry about her) I would ignore you neighbor. You are the parent and it is your job to do what you feel is right for your child. She had no right to yell at you. If she was concerned she should have approched you in a polite, caring manner. Maybe her kids want to ride around the block when they see your son which makes it harder on her.But that is a life lesson, you don't always get to do what someone else is doing.Good Luck!

I am sorry, but I agree with some of the others. Though you may know your neighbors, you just don't know who will drive up and down yor street. Granted you said you live on a street with no outlet, unfortunately that does not stop predators. In the time it would take for someone to snatch him, you would not have even gotten outside your apartment building. I may be a little overprotective, but I hear too many stories of children gone missing and never coming home, not to mention that when I was young I was almost abducted, so I know how quickly it can happen. Please take that lady's advice to heart, but don't let her talk to you the way she did either. Explain to her that her yard is her responsibility - so no matter who walks into her yard (be it human or animal) she is responsible for what happens to them. Also let her know, that you could see your son on her property and you had given him permission to play with her children. But please, do reconsider giving him so much independece at such a young age, as he isn't strong enough to fight someone off yet without your help.

Whew! I only read a couple of the responses but I have to agree. I can't believe people even send their five yr old on a bus to school. Call me old fashion. But I keep an eye on my kids all the time (when they are small)! I let them ride their bikes alone when they are 11yrs old!! By Middle School I feel they have enough maturity to be alone and be "safe". I don't even let them off the deck unless I am outside with them! The two little one's that is! LOL I don't understand a stranger rudely yelling at you though!! But she has a point. Burglers don't steal in their neighborhoods, right?! Pedofiles are every where!!! Things aren't as safe as they were when we were kids! I walked to school in kindergarden (30 some yrs ago). No way in **** would mine do that now! LOL Not to mention, my kids go to a wonderful catholic LOCKED school! Trust no one. Sad but true!
Good luck!
H. mom to four beautiful "over protected" children! 14yrs, 11yrs, 4 and 12 months.....

PS- I should edit that we live where there aren't sidewalks. It's county roads. So they have to be much older to be trusted alone. And our "blocks" aren't a normal city block. It's quite large. Otherwise, I'd have to say 8 yrs old to go around a block but no further!! Sorry!

I have to disagree with you letting your six year old out of your sight. I am 34 and my mom wouldn't let us out of her sight until we were teenagers and even then she kept an eye on us. Was she paraniod maybe but it kept me safe. We had a church at the end of our block and one night walking home while my mother was standing on the porch watching patiently for me to get to the house (she could see me every step of the way) a car slowed down and started to stop next to me. I ran and started screaming mommy and my mom was already on her way. Could you imagine what might have happened if my mother was not readily available? I don't even want to think about it outside of the fact that I am really really glad my mom was a paranoid freak (May God rest her soul in peice)!

As for the neighbor in this day and age of sue happy people that are not watching their children (and then they get hurt somewhere else) I don't really blame her although she could have been a little less bitchy about it. I worked for an establishment with a fence that was locked with equipment in it. Someone left a key in one of the forklifts and a child got hurt. They got sued and had to fight in court. The kid climbed the locked fence because his mother gave him his independence and he ended up in the hospital for it. Maybe your child is really really good and listens to everything you say all the time but at six I wouldn't guarantee that and wouldn't want to take the chance.

As for you, you know your child better than anyone else (or should) and it is up to you to make the decisions for him as to what is best. If you feel your son is smart enough to go around the block by himself and stay out of trouble then so be it. If you woulnd't mind humoring me though I would suggest having an adult he has not met try and pick him up with some of the normal tricks (lost doggy, I have puppies in the back of the van, your mommy told me to pick you up and take you to the hospital because she got hurt) and see what your son does. I had a friend do this with his daughter because he is also one of those freaks and she fell for the bait even though he had stressed so often not to talk to strangers. She was happily surprised when the guy took her straight to her dad and called him by name after abducting her. Lucky her huh?

Hey,
Do you really want people to mind their own business? If people would talk to each other more and pay attention to what is going on around us we would notice that the lady who b&*^*( you out was concerned about your child and the lady who is locking everyone out and keeping her son in is affraid of what might happen. You are good and very strong to let your son go that's great but you cannot control other individuals. So pay attention to what other people are doing and teach your son how to read other people, so he will know to trust his instincts and leave a scene before he becomes a victim. Good luck to you and your son and remember there is no such thing as a safe neighborhood, everyone has a brother, uncle, son , family member, of friend that may come over and THEY may not be safe.

My daughter just turned 5 and she is not allowed to ride around without either myself or my husband (or another trusted adult) out there with her. It is a little different with us because we live in an unincorporated area where there are no sidewalks and the cars like to use our street to speed from one main street to another. We just don't want to depend on our daughter to be constantly on the look-out (her job is to play). So, as we're out there, we're watching to make sure everyone is safe (there are quite a few kids out) and remind our daughter to be aware of everything going on around her.

I do think it was wrong of that mom to come yelling at you, though. I know, in her mind, she was being concerned and that's great, but I think she went about expressing that concern in the wrong way. I would have walked your son back home (with my kids in tow) and asked if you knew where he was. I also would have just talked with you and invited you over or told you that if you called me and let me know that your son would be outside, I would be more than happy to have him over OR to help keep an eye on him. That's how it works on my street. When my daughter wants to go across the street, I watch her go. The other mom waves when my daughter gets there and then she calls me (or just watches my daughter cross the street) when it's time for my daughter to come home. If the kids play outside, there is always a parent to keep watch on them and we all take turns.

Maybe walk over to the other lady's house and formally meet her. A statement like, "I just wanted to come by and get a chance to know you. I feel like we got off on the wrong foot last time...do you have a moment?"

Hope it all works out for you.

If you feel comfortable letting your child go around the block it is none of her business unless he is bothering her. This woman does not know your child and has no idea if he is "old enough" or mature enough to do anything. Kids do need to be outside and playing!! This is your child and it is up to you. That also means if something did happen its your responsibility too! Personally, I would not let my kids (5 & 6) out without me watching, I would be TERRIFIED! So do what you feel is best!! Good Luck and I am interested to see what age other people think they will be comfortable!!

Everyone has their own comfort level. My mom let me have limited freedom when I was about 6/7 and that was going to the friends house. I didn't get limited bike freedom until I was about 8, and if I passed the limit, she KNEW! My son is 4, his freedom is our fenced in back yard and I watch him from the deck, or from the kitchen. He is not allowed out front.

With all the technology we have today, maybe you could get a walkie talkie, or kids gps device. If you're son were to fall, get hurt, stung by a bee, or scared, he could contact you immediately. Or give him something equipped with a panic button if you think he would know how to use it. A good quality whistle. He could play with that quietly and only blow loud if he was in danger.

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Also, if you showed your presence outside every time your son checks in your neighbors may see that you are aware of your son's whereabouts.

I was wondering when independence was ok for my son also. I don't think a Kindergartener should be out by themselves, even if you can see th whole block from your window. Even nice neighborhoods have "scary" people or strangers looking to kidnap.

Tell her to f*** off. Granted, I don't let my 11 year-old out of my sight, but that is me. Every parent has different philosophies, and no one has the right to tell you how to raise your children!!!

BTW, I never have a problem with other children stopping out, I'm just paranoid about where mine are. I just started letting them walk to school on their own (1 block away---all in sight), and they're 8, 9, & 11.

K....I totally agree with Laura earlier when she said, "...if you feel perfectly comfortable/safe" with your decisions! For me, I'm a little over the top when it comes to my little one's independence, but it's totally against my husband's thoughts. Our youngest is 8, and he's still not really allowed out of my total sight or "earshot" when he's out playing with the neighborhood boys. Everyone has an opinion! But, the short of it all is...you're a mom, and HIS mom. You are allowed to make the rules based on your feelings! That's the great thing about freedom! I didn't raise my kids the same as my mom raised us, and I don't raise my kids the same way that the lady down the street raises hers. By golly, you don't have to raise your little guy like your silly neighbor lady raises her kids, either! Gee, what if she lets her kids swim in the pool without parental supervision?!? Are YOU supposed to scold her?!? Nope. To each their own. She went a little far with her discussion with you. There's no book on how/when to loosen the reigns. You'll find that there are many, many, many "different" people out there in the world. I just roll my eyes at them with a quiet chuckle! (Shhh...don't let my kids hear that!) :) You're a great mom!

We are fortunate to live in a friendly neighborhood populated with lots of families with stay-at-home moms and many young children. The general consensus here seems to be that age 8 is the age when children are allowed to ride their bikes in what I think is approximately the same distance, etc. that you describe. I think this is derived in part from the fact that our neighborhood pool (which is about 1 1/2 blocks away) will let kids come on bikes by themselves when they are 8. Before that time, most of the parents will let their children walk from home to the home of a friend by themselves if 1) the home is about 4-5 houses away and 2) the friend's parent is on the lookout expecting your child to arrive in the next few minutes. We let our 5 year old daughter go to visit a friend this way. I call the friend's mom and say she's on her way, then she starts to walk while I watch out the window. When she is out of my line of sight she has entered the line of sight of friend's mom. She knows to go straight there and not stop for anything. Its about 5 houses away. There is one family who lets their children have considerably more freedom than others. They stand out, and not in a good way. I appreciate your desire to foster independence, but if your creepy neighbors ever did call the authorities the nightmare that would follow just isn't worth it. Good luck!

I know you've gotten alot of responses but I'll add my support to the "don't let them out of your sight" rule. I know of a family that lives in a gated community and a man tried to get their child into his truck. It's very easy to have a false sense of security in a place you are familiar with. Look at the sex offender web site and see how close they are to you or places your child may go. It just isn't safe anywhere anymore.

You probably don't want to hear this....but it is YOUR responsibility to care for your child and make sure he/she is safe especially at such a young age. Even though you believe you live in a "safe" neighbourhood, you can never be too trusting. What's wrong with taking a bike ride with your son? You both can have fun together AND you BOTH can meet new friends. Please don't compare seat belts to child abduction. That is a big difference. We had a family friends son (who was 8 at the time) molested by a "trusted, loving" man who all the neighbourhood children went to (all the parents trusted this "lovely man") so it was quite a shock to all. True, he was not "abducted" but he still deals with the emotional scars to this day. Most likely your son will be safe but why take that chance?

Just thought I would throw this out there...You have a much better chance of winning the lottery than of your child being abducted outside. For those who don't send their kids on the school bus until they are out of a booster seat, you are probably putting so much fear and anxiety into your child!

I say do what you are comfortable with. Don't doubt your mothering skills. Your neighbor needs a life!

K., I think everyone has their own way of raising their children and if you feel perfectly comfortable/safe allowing your 5 year old to ride around the block then do so. My son is 5 years old and he can't leave our block. I only allow him to go down a few houses to his friends house. We don't live in an area where there are side walks so he rides on the street. There are tons of children on our block so there really isn't a need for him to go anywhere else. I don't think I would feel safe if he went anywhere else. I do let my 8 year old go farther with her friends. There is a beach about 3 blocks from my house and she and her friends can go there as long as they don't stay too long. Both my children have to check in with me; always letting me know when they are moving locations. This way I always know where they're at. Give your son a little freedom, that's how they become responsible. But just because you live in a safe neighborhood it doesn't mean that anything bad can't happen. Bad things happen in safe neighborhoods as well. He is only in kindergarten and if someone truly wants him, your son won't be able to fight him. Just my thoughts......

Hi K.. You know what? Do what you feel comfortable with. In the end that's what will happen, right? You are this child's parent, not everyone else. My daughter will be 7 in a cuple months and has been bugging me to ride around our block with her friend. I see children her age doing this, but haven't let her do it yet. The reason isn't strangers, but 2 pit bulls that have attacked other dogs live around our block and I don't trust them. My daughter does play outside by herself and rides up and down the street by herself, also. She is extremely independent and strong. I'd like to think that I've taught her well enough so far to make good decisions and she seems to. I agree that todays society is extrememly over-protective and kids do need some freedom. I get looks from parents when my 2 yr. old son is climbing up the slide at the park by himself, but hey, he loves it and yes he could get hurt, but in the mean time, he's learned to do it by himself after I helped him. Luck to you with everything and trust yourself decisions.

Well...what heated discussions we can start on this board!!

Here's my thought...we camp A LOT with 2 other families, a total of 7 kids, one family with 9 year old twins. NONE of the kids are allowed to bikeride without another kid along. This has been helpful for a couple reasons. You wouldn't believe how often one of the kids has fallen off their bikes, and the others have been able to come back to get a parent. Also, when there has been incidents that occur, we can ask the kids if anyone was involved and know that someone will spill the beans.

With that said, there can be WAY too many people that can not keep their noses out of other people's business and are SO sure that their way is the only correct way of doing things. The world is just not that simple!

Good luck dealing with your neighbors. And if I were you, I would get a jump on the gal that is so sure you are breaking some kind of rule, and call the authorities. Ask what the rules are and then if she has anything to say in the future you can site the converstaion you had with the authorities and let her know you know you have nothing to worry about!