Hi,
Getting straight to the point:
1. We moved across town 3 months ago (bigger, new home).
2. We had a baby 6 weeks ago (sweet little girl).
3. We have a brilliant toddler (sweet little/big girl) who will be 3 in Feb. and has been the center of our universe up until 6 weeks ago.
4. We did a lot of prep work with the toddler in both areas. She seems accepting and rather happy with the new home--play room, big bedroom, big park nearby. She has had most issues with acceptance of new baby sis.
She is very affectionate and loves to kiss and hug baby, but also is starting to hit me and tries to hit baby only if I or my husband are looking--obvious attempts for attention. We can handle this behavior. She responds well to time outs/time ins and follows assertive directions well.
HOWEVER, here's where life stinks: she sleeps from 8-10ish, maybe midnight and then she's up. She's exhausted and tries to go to sleep--or so we think based on how she wants to cuddle or rock back to sleep... but to no avail. She's usually up for 2-4 hours and then only sleeps 2 more hours. This has been the case for the past 5 weeks. Sometimes she doesn't even go back to sleep and so we're all up starting at 3am. My infant is already sleeping more than the toddler. I get maybe 20-30 hours of sleep total per week now. I can't go on like this anymore.
We tried using melatonin and although it worked a couple times, it's actually causing more insomnia-like symptoms and so we're not using it anymore. Tonight we're going to try the 'possum' approach and just pretend to be asleep everytime she gets up. From what I've read this is the only way to deal with serious stubborn disinterest in going back to sleep. But I have my doubts. I know anything we try will take time but I need to hear that there's a light at the end of this tunnel. I'm really not sure how much more of this I can take.
Thanks in advance.
First off, thanks to all for your time and consideration in your responses. I left out a lot of details in my question, so I appreciate all advice even from folks who practice different types of parenting than we do. That said, we practice Attachment Parenting, so we have a family bed so-to-speak. Our toddler has her own room but she hasn't used it for sleep yet, although it's equipped with a killer bunk bed and she loves playing in it all day long. That said, what has worked so far, has been gating-off the option for our girl to go downstairs. She is only allowed upstairs in our bedroom or her room, period--if she wakes up. When she does wake up, we no longer try to 'help' her like we used to, coddle and carry, worry and hope she's ok. We saw her doctor, she's fine and just has typical sleep issues stemming from stresses of moving and new sib. So, when she wakes up, we just put her back to her side of the bed without any anger or upset and say blandly, "It's time for bed, now go to sleep," OR we tell her she has to go to her room and if she can't settle in the bed. It's worked like a dream. Over the past week she's gone from 6 hours nightly to 12 hours of sleep. She still wakes after 2 hours in bed, but she's had diarrhea from a cold and so we've been making sure to care for that properly. She falls back asleep in 20 minutes at most. We also got her back into sleeping in the afternoons with me and the baby... 1.5 hours, it's all we need and it's created this wonderful bond between the two girls. She was severely sleep deprived so this is really working for us. (up by 7:30am, napping 1-3pm, sleeping by 8pm). It's been amazing how effective it is when we talk directly to her and deal with her like a growing person and not a baby anymore.
I think in the end my husband and I realized we were still treating our toddler like a baby and not like the burgeoning child she is becoming. Once we realized how to treat her with respect and still respect our needs things just gelled. I'm getting my sleep back, our baby is starting to sleep more than 3 hours in a row too and our toddler is more in love with her little sister now than ever before. No more hitting, no more tantrums, it's like our little girl has come back to us.
Thanks again to all for your advice and support!
Just a thought. Maybe she needs to hit the hay earlier?
Sleep begets sleep.
A child that gets more sleep will sleep better than an exhausted child.
Hang in there. It will get better.
OH, WOW, my heart goes out to you!!! Talk about major life changes. I am sure your 2 yo's world is just completely upside down. Sounds to me like she liked the baby at first because it was a novelty and now the novelty has worn off. Maybe she's a bit jealous and I'm sure she is missing your 100% attention. Top that off with the move to a new house and new room and new surroundings, it's no wonder she is not sleeping.
My thoughts are that her lack of sleep is due to all these changes in her life. Is she napping during the day? If not, she could be over-tired. If she's up all day long with no nap or if she's up half the night, there is a chemical that gets triggered in her brain which will not cause her to sleep well at night. Lack of sleep=lack of more sleep. Plus, maybe she figures that if she's up at night, that's the best time to get your undivided attention. I would suggest something like this:
Wake up at 7 am.
Nap from 1-3.
Bedtime at 7 or 8 pm.
Then when she wakes up around 10 pm or so crying, tell her that its bedtime, time to sleep, tell her to lay back down, and don't take her out of her crib. Don't cuddle or rock her at this time. If she's already in a toddler bed, then put her back into her toddler bed. Keep repeating this over and over back to her room until she gets the picture that she isn't gonna get to play or snuggle or get rocked to sleep. I had to do this with my 2 year old after our son was born. She wasn't happy and it took a couple of weeks for her to adjust, but it was necessary for all of our sakes. Don't talk to her about it, don't cajole her, don't threaten her, just walk her back to bed or if she's in her crib, you might have to let her cry it out. (I already am feeling sorry for you because I'm sure you'll have a baby up during this time). Then when she wakes up in the middle of the night, like 3 am, keep doing this cycle, walk her back to bed, don't talk, don't engage. Just say firmly, "it's not morning. It's still bedtime." Or, you might have to let her cry it out.
I hope this strategy will work for you. It will be hard and it will require you to stay strong, but also try to get her back on a morning wake up and napping schedule if she isn't on one, or if her schedule got interrupted when the baby is born. She's going through many life changes right now, so it's important to have a schedule.
One other thing...does she have a new bed? Kids get so attached to their beds and I know my daugther was just traumatized when we moved to a new house when she was 2 and converted her crib to her toddler bed. She could not sleep in her toddler bed and was just miserable. Two weeks of sleeplessness and mister later, we finally put her crib back together and she was much happier. We eventually made it into her todder bed again after she had gotten adjusted to our new house and her new room.
Last up, try to give her as much attention, love and snuggles during the day as you can. She is trying to adjust to some BIG changes in her life and don't expect her to just love the new baby. It will take her time, so give her that space. But I wish you the best of luck and I'll be praying that you are able to figure out a stratey that works.
My 2 kids are about the same age split and the first few months with the second baby were very hard and it took a year for my older one to adjust for the most part. Can someone help you get a break to nap or catch up on sleep? It would even be worth getting a babysitter so you can sleep and/or give your big girl one one one attention. You need the chance to catch up on sleep as much as possible or it is much harder to do a good job with the kids.
My older one gets scared or upset and has trouble sleeping in his own room alone. Can you get a sleeping bag and foam mat for your bedroom if your older one won't sleep alone? I sounds like your older one is exhausted but too stressed to sleep (I get that way when stressed and it sucks). Will she rest in bed/look at books/listen to soft music or does she want to be up? My younger daughter is now about the same age as your older one. She wakes up at night but will ask for milk and settle back down. Can you figure out what comforts help her sleep. Maybe a new stuffed toy or blanket would help. Good luck, it gets better.
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My daughter, at 15 months, starter to stop sleeping both day an night. She was sleeping about 5 hours a day. As you can imagine it was a nightmare of screaming because of lack of sleep and temper tantrums. This lasted for three weeks and then she would sleep for about 18 hours a day for a week. Wake up and stop sleeping for three weeks, sleep for a week, etc. By 18 months I was ragged.
I went to the doc. We tried knock-drops for her and sherry at 8 and then 8 and 5 for me. Nothing worked until he told me to take away her naps.
No more naps I cried. No I literally cried. I wanted my nap time to do things with my older child. But away went the nap time and away went the crib. I added swimming lessons to make her physically tired.
And she slept. 12 hours a day.
So, I would try the following take away all the naps, don't let her sleep in the car, or fall asleep in her dinner plate, increase her activity level, make sure she goes to sleep at the same time every night.
Have you thought about putting a bed in your room that she can sleep in? That way she is near you and still feels part of the family. Or if you bed is big enough can she sleep with you. Or another idea if you have a bigger bed in another room have your husband sleep with her for a bit so you can get some sleep. I just had a baby in April and my son did similar things, he turned 3 in August. We found having him sleep in our room is what helped.
Is there any way you can go away for the weekend/ or possibly have your toddler go out with dad, and have a sitter come round to help with the 6 week old. You probably need two or three days/ nights of good sleep to put you in the right head to deal with your daughter's sleep issues. When you have your batteries recharged, you'll find the strentgh and resillience you need to commit to whatever plan you and your family decide on.
BTW, we are fans of Dr. Ferber.
Good luck to you and yours,
F. B.
Where did she sleep before baby? She should still be there, or close to it.
We place a toddler gate at my daughter's door. If she doesn't want to sleep she's allowed to play quietly in her bed or read, but she can't leave her room. She's even allowed to sleep on the floor if she wants, as long as she's in her room.
My only other advice is to have them share a room. That way when you are in with baby, you are in with her too. Does that make sense?
use phenergan to break the cycle, then reinstate a good routine.
