At Wits End with Sex

I don't have any advice, but you're not alone. I thought I was the only woman who felt this way. It sucks. Having sex 12 times/year is just not doing it for me. I hope you get some advice other than just to wait it out, because that sounds awful. Good luck.

i'm going thru the same thing, except i'm the one at home with a baby and he's the one working. Being at home with the baby drains me out, trying to juggle all my jobs, the cleaning, the cooking, the laundry, most importantly attending my baby who requires A LOT of attention. With all that and more, by the time its bed time i rather sleep than be romantic. Why because I am so tired.. with the little energy i have left i like to use it to go to sleep, and yes my hubby is starting to complain. I feel so bad. But he doesn't wake up at night to feed the baby, he gets his full 8 hrs of sleep. I wish i did to. A lot of people have told me that it will get easier and that the romance will go back to somewhat how it use to be. i say maybe go to bed earlier on some days , thats what we do.... once in a while. But ask him if he needs help. good luck

You could always go get a vibrator and use it everynigt in bed. Maybe then, he would get the point (or even jealous) and finally have sex with you. That may keep you from cheating too, but hopefully all you would need for that, is some character.

Interesting question...It is usualy the other way around...May be this will help, I was on both sides of the spectrum, working full time, hubby also worked and staying home with kids/hubby working. When I was going to work I felt better, sexier about myself, going out, getting attention, putting on makeup, watching my weight (wardrobe has to fit), not being drained emotionaly and physicaly after a long day with kids. Staying at home definitively brought down my sexuality, plus I get so much body contact with the kids all day that a thought of another person touching me seems a little far fetched.
Working outside simply energises you, and your husband feels like a housewife that was running all day in her pigamas and has nothing to show for her daily achievments :))))
It is great that you feel so sexy, though! I wish I had some of that!
Maybe some day you both will be on the same level, I hope I will be more ballanced when kids get older :)

He is probably exhausted. Really. It's not only stressful taking care of the house and child(ren), cooking, cleaning, washing clothes, dishes, making sure the bills get paid, yard work, finding entertaining things to do without spending money, going to the park, walking around the block, cleaning up ANOTHER spill.........it's exhausting. I was NEVER so tired when I worked full time. Now, I'm lucky to make it to 9 o'clock. I especially feel very.....off. Imagine having people tugging on you all day, asking for a snack, and never really getting a break. I don't blame him for not wanting to go "all out". Actually, I'm so relieved to hear that a guy feels that way too!
I have been assured that the feeling will go away when the kids get older. I've got my fingers crossed.

Hi there J.,

Well, no offense to anyone, but other than the two women towards the beginning who posted because they have been in your same position, ALL THE OTHER ADVICE HERE IS GARBAGE! I've tried it all, believe me. My husband said exactly the same things to me: still attracted, still love you, but just not interested. He couldn't explain it any more than that.
Perhaps what a lot of women don't understand is how depressing and how defeating it is to try to turn on your husband and then fail. Yes, it is possible that a man can not get turned on, and no, I am not super fat or anything of the sort. But really, get refused once or twice, and any woman will be wary to try it a third time.
Anyway, the only advice or help I have to offer is a book, called "The Sex-Starved Wife" by Michele Weiner Davis. I haven't read the whole thing yet, but it is very informative and will give you lots of explanations and steps to take.
I am sorry to say that I have just had to get used to much much less sex than I ever wanted, and this is the saddest thing about my marriage. I have been putting up with this for two years now, and yes, it sucks terribly. Our daughter is 17 months old, so I don't know how much it has to do with a "new baby" or with her at all anymore. Perhaps the tables will turn, as one woman posted earlier, or perhaps not. I don't know. I kind of got burnt out from trying to talk to him about it and then the resulting fight.

Anyway, again, I didn't mean to put anyone down earlier, but really, it's hard to understand this situation unless you're in it, and when you are in it, it's a little depressing to hear all these ideas which sound nice but really don't help that much.

Good luck to you, and if you find some magic solution, let me know!

Well you are working full time and of course so his he with the little one. I suggest that perhaps on an upcoming wknd. have someone (parents) take the little one for the night. If you like go out for dinner, however, wouldn't it be nice to set the tbl. plates beside one another, candles lit all around with a nice aroma. Order out, You finish eating, go to bdrm. a put on your most impressive nightwear, coming towards him with you just holding a candle in front of you, and say "lets go dear" prior to entering the bdrm. have little tea light candles lit all over, and just completely strip after you get him on the bed. Bet it won't take long for him to get the hint mentally/physically. Once you have done this once I think he'll get the jist and you won't be waiting long for the next time. Maybe he will set things up next time. Good Luck
After being between the sheets, run a nice warm bath for both of you and who knows vwala, there may be a second series started.

You have said that you have talked to him about it and still nothing so now maybe step it up a bit. After the baby is in bed..or better yet have a grandma babysit for a bit..make yourself feel as sexy as possible..what ever it is you guys like, kinky clothes, role play, leather, candles and lace..whatever ued to REALLY do it for him ( and you) do it...do ur hair. make up and put whatever it is on and then just jump him lol maybe also earlier in the day send dirty little txt messages or emails or whisper naughty things to him..something to let him know what you are thinking about doing to him.
And honestly if this doesnt work maybe he needs to see a Dr..maybe it is physical and he doesnt want to tell you. GOOD LUCK!

J. your post doesn't say how old you are. But you could have been me 20 years ago lol. So we had similar situation when our children were young. I like you could and would have done it anywhere, any time with my husband. He on the other hand was happy with once or twice a month. It drove me nuts. Now fast forward 20 years. My husband is going to be 50. I just turned 48. I couldn't care less if we ever do it again. and he is all over me all the time. I just want to turn over and ignore him. I know he loves me. I love him. But it is just no longer the big deal it was back then. Maybe the fact that I had to fight so hard and long to get any that now I just don't want any. I am sure there is a happy medium somewhere but we have just never really found it

Well my husband is 40 and I am 26... We usually have sex every night... I would just jump his bones and don't take NO for an answer... Pull out all the stops... Don't quit until you get what you want...That is what I would do... Heck i do it now... Take charge... men like that even though they say they don't... they do... I hope this helps

First, I have been married for 25 years, 4 kids, 3 buinesses and our kids have friends living with us.
Take the time to book a hotel, fill the room with candles, special treats and a bottle of your favorite beverage.
Pretend you are dating and make the rule to not talk about the kids, work or money. Swim, sit in the hot tub or draw a bath. Romance takes time and effort!

Try a bit of reverse psychology. One day when you come home complain about what an "awful" day you had and how unappreciated you feel at work. Give him an opportunity to "console" YOU. Let him come to your rescue and make you feel better.

Men do need to feel needed, but they they also want to maintain some semblance of control. So even if you tell him everyday how wonderful he is he may not believe it. If he has an opportunity to be your knight just by giving you a shoulder, or an ear or even better a massage, that might work wonders for his self esteem and ego.

Then he can pat himself on the back when you tell him, "Honey, I don't know why I didn't think to approach the problem at work in that way. Thank you!" and give him a big kiss and hug.

Right now I'm a SAHM of 3 kids (2 1/2, 4 1/2 & 6), but 4 days a week I only have 1 at home from noon till 2:30 and I'm expecting in July. But in our house it's kinda the other way around... he is the one wanting it all the time & I'm happy w/ cuddling & relaxing watching TV with him holding me. Now, I will admit that if he holds me the "right" way it does end up being what he would rather have, but it's not an everyday thing. But he is slowly figuring out what the "right" way is... lol.

When we were younger - we both had the same drive & it has changed over the years... I'm not saying that I'm not attracted to him in any way. I love him with all my heart & I do find him attractive/sexy! He still lights my fire in everyway (even after 15 yrs of marrage), I just don't need it as much as I use to inorder to be happy. And believe me it's not that I don't enjoy it... I do a great deal. Try not to look at it as he doesn't love you, as he is cheating or as he isn't attracted to you - cause I'm pretty sure that isn't it at all!

Is there something you guys use to love to do together before you had your kid? Maybe try to find someone to watch him & go do whatever it was... try to bring back a little of the romance that you are missing. Or just set it up after your son is in bed & ask him to join you... you don't really even need to leave the house. One of the things we liked doing was showering together... not sure if that is something you would want to do or not.

I wish you luck!! Don't give up on him - remember you can get through anything w/ love & I have a feeling you 2 love eachother!

Years ago we had this problem. I can only emphasize this for lots of mamas out there, it is common and do not cheat just because you are well you know...at any rate I got divorced. For many reasons but throw that one into the fire. The point is this does happen. Parenthood is exhaustinghood. And your roles change. And I look back and my body and mind were ruled by my hormones, the craving for sex should not outweigh your love for your husband. He and you are taking on new roles and well, sometimes people were raised to feel that sex is dirty and although they had a child together through that act, besides the tiredness, your new role as mama and papa might not include being supersexed ...guilt, guilt. Talk, talk about it if you can. Even if you do more of the talking and do not stop touching and hugging and kissing. That is very good for baby to see!

Well at least I'm not the only one... I'm posting this so I can read the advice, as I am in a similar situation. :(

I'm sorry. Me being a single mom, I don't know what it's like to have someone there and not having sex. But I do know the long periods of time and not. I know scheduled sex doesn't sound appetizing, but perhaps on the weekend you could take over with the baby to let him have him time and rest up. And after the baby sleeps you two can go at it. Sat and Sunday nights be all over each other. And during the day you can send him naughty texts (or even photo's of you are willing) so that will rev his engine. Oh hey! nap times! you could pounce him then after sending a text 20 minutes before or something. just an idea. . .

Updated

I'm sorry. Me being a single mom, I don't know what it's like to have someone there and not having sex. But I do know the long periods of time and not. I know scheduled sex doesn't sound appetizing, but perhaps on the weekend you could take over with the baby to let him have him time and rest up. And after the baby sleeps you two can go at it. Sat and Sunday nights be all over each other. And during the day you can send him naughty texts (or even photo's of you are willing) so that will rev his engine. Oh hey! nap times! you could pounce him then after sending a text 20 minutes before or something. just an idea. . .

Like many here have already said, "This too shall pass". I think that any one who has had a child can remember this "Tired" phase. All I can say is keep working at it and don't give up. You know what turns him on, so through out the day give him little teases of what is to come. I agree with another poster who said try getting into the bedroom a little earlier, that is a good way to have "time" before one doses off. Perhaps on the weekend during the day offer him to go take a nap and get some rest so that he won't be too tired this evening. Remember Date night is very important, even if you have your date at home, get grandma to take the baby for a night or at least a few hours.

If you can, maybe get away for a weekend with the hubby. It does wonders. You can have grownup time, and recharge the batteries.

Stay at home moms understand exactly how your husband feels. Search the memory of this site to find a bazillion women worrying that their husbands want to have sex but they do not.

Relationship issues aside, I think this is nature's way of keeping people from having babies in close succession. It's normal. It might take a couple of years and a lot of patience and understanding, but it changes. :)

Until then, women in his position usually complain that their husbands don't help out enough. Just putting it out there. Ask him if he needs you in other emotional ways that you might be missing?

If that's not the issue, then how about no-pressure back rubs for him. If he feels loved and cared for, maybe he'll want to do it more often. To be clear, though, don't expect any kind of sex the first couple of times. He might just need some no-pressure healing touches from you.

Good luck.

Have you ever though of getting testosterone for him. A lot of exercise is also good. Getting a man to take hormones is usually a joke but you can try. Good luck!!

All of the answers are food for thought.
I'll add:
1) Being exhausted and taking care of a kid all day can make either a man or woman too exhausted for sex. While others crave sex more when exhausted;
2)How's your husband doing in other ways? I'm concerned that he might be depressed for any of a number of reasons;
3)If he hasn't been to the doctor in the last year he should go to rule out or in #2, or other physiological reasons (besides or in addition to exhaustion) that might be impacting his sex drive.

I have been there. We have had an awful sex life for about two years. He tells me no cheating, doesnt think I am awful... all of that. I think it comes down to stress. So. It had been about six months and I just started texting him little messages. I know it sounds super corny. I followed up with giving him a massage whenever I saw his neck hurt. One night he reached back and stroked my neck, I gave him basically a MEOW. And then that was it. We did the deed. Now, will it be another few months... probably. But I find that if I keep hugging him and touching him, he is beginning to reciprocate.

I think guys take longer to get on the parent-bond bandwagon. And I think that the love they have for us changes when babies are born. And maybe that scares them a little - and frankly maybe it turns them off a little. We just have to keep trying.

Thank you, by the way, for posting this. I totally thought I was the only woman in history to have this problem.

Much love.

This sounds like a new development since the baby was born. You don't really give any history to what your sex life was like previously, so I am guessing this is a new development.

How was it decided that he would stay home with the baby? Was this his decision, mutual, was he unemployed at the time? Did he have to leave his job? I am just curious because that may also have something to do with this. I was surprised to see only one other post mention this...but when a man feels like less than a man in his mind, whether it is that he doesn't feel like he is pulling his weight financially and being the provider or something else, it can impact him sexually. Pair that with any exhaustion felt from being with the baby all day, doing housework, etc. (as others mentioned), it can become understandable.

Have you tried talking about or "checking in" with how he feels about being at home all day with baby?

Another thing I thought I would mention...like others, I had the reverse situation. I was home all day and my husband was living his life during the day, with a lot of freedom to go do what he wanted and when. When he would get home, I would be exhausted and honestly, a little bitter about that. I felt there was no reprieve for me to even begin to feel sexy...and I was just exhausted. Could there be feelings of bitterness that even though you are working hard too...it seems like you have more freedom? Could he be envious?

I definitely encourage you to do things that let him know you still see him as the man of the house; the provider; that you don't know what you would do without him taking care of things the way that he has. If there is one thing I have learned is that no matter what...men need to feel like men and need to know we value them as those men. I am not insinuating that you don't do this...but, with everything going on, maybe he needs an extra boost. For a man, a lot of self worth is tied up in providing financially for the family. If he isn't working and he is use to working...maybe this is really messing with him.

I hope the best for you and your husband.

You don't say who does most of the housework. But maybe, as "liberated" as he thinks he is being a stay-at-home dad, he subconsciously feels emasculated. I would start a campaign of telling him how much you appreciate all he does with your little one, how lucky your child is to have so much quality dad time, how different your child's relationship with dad will be from his/her peers, etc. He'll begin to see that you value his invaluable role as Father. Compliment him on his housework too--how great it is to have your laundry done, the place tidy, etc.

I know it might seem foolish, but men need a lot of pats on the head to feel useful and appreciated. I read a great article a few years ago called “What Shamu Taught Me About Life, Love, and Marriage: Lessons from Animals and Their Trainers.” Here's a link to the author:

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/23127234/

I like the other ideas about planning a night a week, or a weekend getaway too. Also, it's possible that he's depressed.

I hope change is on its way!

S.

just talk do them seriously to cheated them is not the losung better to talk than to cheated believe me