Attachment Parenting... - Canton,MI

I'm all for attachment parenting and that ain't it. This is her brand of over-protective crazy. I can say that since I'm a bit of an over-protective mommy but not that crazy lol!

But what she's doing isn't going to help anyone. It doesn't help her kids have any independence from her, what kind of alone time is she getting for herself or with her husband!?

If you are good friends you might gently bring up that you are concerend that she doesn't get any alone or just girl time to have a break and relax. That is essential if she is going to keep up that pace.

"Attachment parent" or "control freak"? The latter, I think.

My guess is that this mama doesn't think that her husband is capable of caring for her children the "right way", nor does she think anyone can! I am pretty much the opposite of an "attachment parent", but my understanding of the parenting style doesn't mesh with what you are describing. I have a dear friend who has done extensive reading on the parenting style and engages in it fully, but her reasoning has nothing to do with trust or fear. It has to do with feeling that her children will "tell her" when they are ready for independence, rather than having independence facilitated for them.

She's also rude for not calling you ahead of time about the change in arrangements. This woman is going to find herself very alone when that little one goes off to school.

It sounds like you won't have "girl time" with her anymore and that she doesn't really want "alone time". She has completely defined herself as their mother and is letting go of her other roles in life, most likely "wife" too. I'm guessing that she's driving her husband crazy b/c they probably have ZERO time alone and she doesn't trust him to be a father. How belittling and sad.

That's not attachment parenting - that's called helicopter parenting.

I co-sleep because it's easier on all of us to get sleep and healthier for baby-child. Same reason why I breastfeed and baby wear.

You may have to drop her as a friend because her compulsive-obsessive behavior will only get worse... such a shame for her children.

Attachment parenting, does not LITERALLY mean being attached all the time. She sounds like an insecure, dependent mother. Nothing to do with attachment parenting, but her own personal issues.

What you've described is not really "attachment parenting." Though some of the behaviors resemble AP--the reasoning you give for each is not what is intended. Fear and trust issues are not the basis for attachment parenting.
I also choose to spend most of my time attending to my child, because I love her and enjoy her company.
I think your friendship with this woman is not her first priority right now. She has 2 very small children, and she doesn't want to take time away from them to spend with you alone. Maybe you could bring over dinner and a movie her toddler would like, and then you two can chat while only occupying the baby. In her own home, it might be easier to carve out some time for you to catch up. In a coffee shop or restaurant, it will be much harder.

I am a very big advocate of attachment parenting... If you're interested in learning more about attachment parenting, I suggest this website:

http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/attachment-parenting/wha...

Attachment parenting is much more than spending 100% of your time with your children. It's a parenting method, including discipline, bonding, feeding, and caring for your child. One of the best components of attachment parenting is BALANCE. Any true "attachment parent" learns to balance their child's needs, and their own.

Personally, I think your friend has other issues going on, and she's using "attachment parenting" as a label to justify her helicopter parenting.

Well, when you have a 3 yo and 7 mo old chasing kids is pretty much your whole life. Do you have kids? Have you talked to her about it?

I wouldn't blame attachment parenting. We practice AP but that doesn't mean I am fearful and lack trust. I did cosleep but not out of fear, it was out of my desire to meet my DD's needs during the night and also for all of us to get sleep. It worked for our family. I don't know why she doesn't want to leave her kids with her husband but again, not an AP thing. AP doesn't mean you must have your kids with you 24/7. It certainly does at some points in their lives, and that definitely may be true with a 7 month old who is nursing or who may be going through a typical separation anxiety phase. But at that age they are pretty portable. I didn't leave my DD very much when she was that young. But I wouldn't hesitate to leave my 3 year old with my DH because I'd know that if he came I would be chasing him the whole time and it would be no fun.

Perhaps she is just in a phase where the woman to woman thing is not what she is looking for. If she has 2 small kids she might just be too much in the kid zone right now. Have you asked her about it? Or maybe it's not worth the interruption in routine if she leaves them with DH. Kids rely a lot on routine and if her going out with you means she gets home and has a 3 yo swinging from the rafters it's just not worth it.

If you don't have kids and she does I'd suggest that changing your expectations may be in order. If she spends her days at home with those two little ones then she is so immersed in it that it can be difficult to just turn off and go have woman time. If she is at work all day, she probably wants to spend the little free time she has with her kids rather than go out. I'm not saying you can no longer have an adult relationship once you have kids, but the fact is that when you are in the thick of it with kids that young everything else does get put on the back burner. It is much easier to be out there kid-free once they get closer to 4 and beyond and are so much less dependent. So I wouldn't blame AP. But you may want to have a conversation and ask her if she wants to go out without the kids or not bc with kids is not what you are looking for. But if that's how you feel you should be prepared to not see that friend for a while bc it doesn't sound like she needs that right now. So yes, there may not be woman to woman time for a while yet.

We did (and do) attachment parenting: we slept with our kids (until they were about 3), wore the babies in a sling or backpack, breastfed on demand, etc. We even homeschool now (although not because we're attachment parents, but because we believe it's the best for their education). I am with my kids A LOT. However, we have no problems leaving our kids with a trusted babysitter or relative while we go out as a couple, and I definitely don't have a problem with leaving my kids with my husband to go out with friends. Your friend has some serious issues if she wants to be around her kids 24/7 with no other person ever allowed to take care of them, not even their own father.

She is taking her insecurities as a mother and hiding behind the term "attachment parenting" to justify her insecurity. Even attachment parents need a break once in a while to recharge. Also, she is probably throwing her entire identity into her children, which is not healthy for her or for her children.

You could try to talk to her about it; tell her you are worried about her and that she needs to give herself a break once in a while. She needs to have her own identity separate from the kids, and she needs to just be an adult with other adults every once in a while, even for a couple of hours. Explain to her that you would love to have a one-on-one conversation with her without any distractions, and you value her friendship very much. Hopefully she'll agree to go out without her kids; if not, then she'll probably be like this for a while and your friendship will be different (but hopefully not over). :-( Good luck.

I'm not bashing either...but....I have one of those attachment parenting friends...well, ex friends. I'm sure she was tweaking it her own way... but It's hard to hear all the philosophies about how everything you are doing will cause your kids (who are well behaved, sleep securely alone, and can actually be left home with dad and watched and fed by others) to be ruined. She used to quote some book from her attachment parenting "reading group" how kids would be peaceful with all this extra utero nurturing like in Uganda....Uganda??! Really??! the most violent place on earth??! ....whatever. I actually didn't mind her theory and her fussy toddler, just that she was so righteous about her way and dismissive of my 3 kids who could actually mind their own business while we talked. She was always "listening to and tending her boobie woobie who might not be READY to put on her coat yet" tenderly as if I was mean to my kids for telling them once to put on their coats even though they didn't feel like leaving.
She would complain about not enough sleep and I would say, "well if you feed her more she'll sleep through in her own room and you can sleep" and then she would basically quote Dr Sears about how devastating to her daughter that would be.....knowing full well my 3 didn't co sleep. And neither did I. And neither did she. It's hard to take.

I definitely count as an attachment parenting mom, but this is not what my life looks like. I most definitely trust my husband to be home with our kids without me, and I also have left my children with my mom, sisters, a trusted babysitter, and the church nursery.
I'll admit, this doesn't happen often, and I don't use my "time off" for fun time, usually just a doctors appt or christmas shopping. BUT, this mom is simply insecure. She unfortunately is letting fear dictate her parenting style. Her kids will probably suffer for it, but this is not something you can change for her.
I agree with another poster, if you show up at her house with a pizza, maybe her kids will go play with their toys and you'll get a little time with her?

That doesn't sound like attachment parenting, it sounds like extreme coddling. I feel sorry for her kids, if it's as bad as you say, they will likely end up whiny, clingy and overly dependent.
Have you tried to talk to her about wanting to spend some one on one time with her? Maybe she doesn't realize how much it would mean to you.
I hate to say it but some women turn into "mommy-zillas" when they have kids, they think the whole world should revolve around their children :(

.

"I guess i just dont get it...what has happened here...does it mean that i may never have any time with her woman to woman...."

Yup, pretty much.

I don't think what she is doing would be considered 'attachment parenting' by any stretch of the imagination. It sounds like she has lost her identity to parenthood. She doesn't know how to quit being a mother long enough to be a friend or an individual for that matter. It sounds liker her husband takes the path of least resisistance and just lets her continue this frenzy.

I don't think you can change the situation without her wanting the situation to change. I doubt there is anything you can say or do that would make her see things differently either.

Um, we practiced attachment parenting, but I can honestly say that's not it. That's something else altogether gone amok!

Have you asked her straight up "can we meet WITH OUT kids"? Maybe you will get your answer that way?

Good luck

How far has she thought this attachment parenting through-is she going to home school? Does she ever get any time alone with her husband? I don't believe this is healthy for her or her children-at some point she will have to leave them somewhere with someone else and they will freak! Being a stay at home mom is one thing-but for everyone's sanity she needs some grown up time-after an evening out with friends she will be a better mom. How close are you to her, that you could talk to her about this. Sometimes you have to take a risk when you are trying to help.

This is not 'attachment patenting'.

Maybe you can reach out and find out WHY she can't leave her kids with THEIR own FATHER for a couple hours.

:(

Im surprised at all the responders who are bashing this woman.

Let me say what i find odd about your post

1. "calls herself an attachment parent"....that sounds a little judgmental to start off with.
2. So she doesnt want to leave her kids home, or with a relative. Whats the big deal? Maybe she likes to have them around.
3 She sleeps with them, oh well, seriously sleeping next to ones own kids is so natural a thing for a mom im surprised anyone wonders about it.
4.You say you got called away to work, well she brought her work with her (whats the difference?) you both violated the brunch niceties(if there are violations)

I guess i dont understand. Shes a mom now, shes not the gal that used to sit and chat with no concern , its all changed now. Who cares what her reasons are for bringing the kids, obviously thats what she wants to do.

I take my kids everywhere i can , an i co-sleep until 3, ive raised two very independent, well behaved kiddos. Just because someone likes to have the kids around and lays with them does not mean that those same kids arent learning self sufficiency. i would totally leave my kids with their dad though, but a babysitter?,,,,,hardly ever.

Sounds to me like attachment parenting gone too far. Sounds like her only identity is as a mom now and forgot what it was like before children. It would be a problem for me too, but for her, it may be just what she needs and wants. I love my children more than anything, but it is healthy to do things without them.

Holy smokes! B., I wouldn't think of sending hate mail. Not to you. What I would do next, if you try this again, is to stipulate it's just you and her. If kids or kids/hubby come along, I'd walk out. Why can't they understand that she's entitled to have a life separate from the domestic scene? Do they allow absolutely no friends or one on ones? Do the parents go to the kids' playdates? It's intrustion and it's not healthy behavior. None of them are benefitting from ridiculous stuff like what they exhibit.
Now your last question was if the behavior meant not having any time alone with this chick. Ask yourself: DO YOU REALLY WANT TO? I mean I'd put it off until she gets her head straightened. She has some issues. The kids are going to be warped if she can't set limits. Co slee;ping is unhealthy. She's scared stiff. To the point of obsessiveness. I personally wouldn't want to be around a neurotic like that until she gets some serious counselling.

Its kind of hard not to bash after reading that but here goes...

I feel sorry for her kids. They'll never know how to adjust to life being coddled all the time. Most of them cry easily and are usually bullied b/c they've never been taught how to self soothe learn how to cope w/other people and deal w/uncomfortable situations.

No, you may never have 1:1 time w/her. Ever. She sounds obessesed w/her kids and it may last well until they are in their adult life and beyond.

I like the "hate male" hehe! That made me laugh:-)

I'm an attachment parent too. I have co-slept (do it because it was easier for me and I like having baby close by), have refused to leave my kids with most people (except certain family and some friends), and have them with me most of the time. So, I totally see where she is coming from. She has reason to not trust people (the husband, though?). Point being - I would respect the fact that she is following her gut and doing what she feels is right and not criticize her for it. Though I might totally disagree with my friends and how they parent at times, I always know they are doing what they feel is best.

I could see myself bringing my kids out on a date like that...well, not if my husband was available I wouldn't. that is weird. Another part I don't get is why she was chasing her kids. When we go out, my kids sit and behave well. They never get up to be chased;-) They might distract me some, but it wouldn't be like what you are describing. Sounds like she might be a very permissive parent, which isn't part of attachment parenting.

Can you go to her house for a visit some times? I'm guessing that would be a better atmosphere for actual chatting. Give her time, it sounds like she's a fairly new mom. Odds are over time she'll balance out a little more, or at least with their ages, she will be able to focus on other things more in a few years. My only suggestion is to be careful of thinking of her like she's being too "out there". I'd just suggest respecting that this is how she feels best parenting and that is good for her. Odds are she has had things happen to her that give her very valid reasons for having trust issues, and if you knew all, it might make total sense to you why she's chosen what she has.

Sorry it's so frustrating right now! I've had the same thing with some of my friends, and it's just a new normal to me in my relationship with them. Though, I don't know any of them who wouldn't leave their kids with their own father! That part seems a bit bizarre to me...but maybe there are reasons? Maybe he doens't want to watch them?

that doesn't sound like "attachment parenting." sounds like she uses that term too freely. she may be a control freak. nothing you can do about it, except maybe tell her you're sincerely worried that she's gonna burn out. but some people want so badly to feel needed that they enjoy that kind of crazy relationship with their kids. sadly, the kids and husband will suffer as well.

good luck!

I don't have any idea what "attatchement parenting" is...but I have a feeling that that is not it. It sounds like she just wants to have her family around her all the time. Maybe put the ball in her court...."Sarah I have really wanted to spend some time with you!! I love having girl chat! Maybe when you have a moment to yourself you can give me a call. I would love to leave my kids at home and get a break." Then leave it up to her.
L.

It could be that she has a lazy husband. I have a close friend that never ever does anything or goes anywhere without her 3 small kids. There have been times I have invited her somewhere and asked her not to bring the kiddos, and every time she assures me that she will leave them home with their daddy...and than he refuses to watch them ( he is very capable but watching 3 kids would cut into his video game time and that would just not work for him) and so she just brings them along. As for the co-sleeping that may just be what shes the most comfortable with. I have lots of family nearby but most of the time I would rather not have them watch my kids. You may just need to be honest with her, and tell her you want some one on one time with no kids, no hubbys. She may not realize thats what you want.

I think she has a need to be at the center of her family right now.
She needs to be needed by them.
She might calm down a bit once her youngest gets a little older (she might still be hormonal for awhile) and wonder where all her adult friends have gone.
Or else she'll keep on hyper focusing on her kids until she gets a real nasty case of empty nest syndrome when they eventually grow up and move away.
Cultivate other friendships for now and just send her a card now and then to keep in touch.
Some women get tunnel vision once they have kids and can not see anything else for awhile.

With attachment parenting, you have to at least trust that your spouse can care for the children without you there. She clearly does not trust that even her own husband can take care of the children without her.

What she's doing is not attachment parenting. Try planning something with her that's not child friendly and when she calls ahead saying she's bringing them, tell her that it's Mom's Night Out and kids and spouses are not welcome. Be blunt if you have to. She's not going to feel comfortable at first, but after a few evenings or afternoons out with her husband watching the kids she'll learn to trust her husband more and she'll learn to enjoy the time away to recharge.

I would not make any more plans with her. Boy is she going to be lost when her kids grow up, and move away......if she lets them. this is way more about HER attachment than the kids.

She is not going to change. You are probably better off finding a new friend, someone who will appreciate some time out such as you are seeking.

Sounds like she can't cut the cord.

I get that some people want to do attachment parenting and it works well for them. The family is happy and it fits.

However, this woman's behavior is borderline unhealthy (not saying AP isn't healthy...saying what this woman is doing is unhealthy). While caring for your children is a very important primary task, it is also important to take time for herself without being completely enmeshed with her children 24-7. It would probably do her some good if she occasionally put some distance between herself and her kids and got out to coffee/dinner with you minus the kids.

I feel sorry for this woman. Unless she homeschools, this is going to be one whopper of a transition for her. Let's not even talk about college!

I have a friend who is like this. I really liked her before she had kids - she's funny, smart, and has had some really fascinating life experiences. Then she had kids and it's like her whole identity was sucked up by her children. And now, instead of being a funny, smart, fascinating person, she is an over-tired person who sublimates ALL of her needs to her kids' needs, and has nothing to talk about except her children (when she can talk at all, because of course 99% of the time her kids "need" her right that instant for something that can't wait long enough for her to finish a complete sentence). It's creepy, it really is. Of course it affects her marriage as well. All I can say is, it's hard to lose a friend because she literally cannot separate herself from her children for an hour to have coffee. It's her choice, not yours, and there's nothing you can do except hope she comes to her senses one day. And... spend time with other friends who are less dysfunctional in their relationship with their children. =-/

I'm afraid it does mean that. She wants to be involved in every second of her children's life, to the exclusion of others. You were about as direct as you could be asking for one on one time and she didn't follow through.

Its ok and its her choice, but it WILL affect her relationship with you and probably many other people in her life. How many Grandparents do you know that don't LOVE to have their grandkids all to themselves. Maybe all the grandparents are dangerous people that should not be left with kids, in that case it would make sense to not do so, but I doubt that is so. Also her husband is not trusted to baby sit either. This lady has some serious trust issues, so its going to impact her relationships and that is sad. It will also impact her kids, as its important for kids to learn that if Mommy has to leave, she will come back.

I'm truly sorry for you in this situation. I would send her a note letting her know you understand her need to be with her kids all the time, but it is making an impact in your relationship with her and that is hurtful. Don't beg her to reconsider or try to convince her its wrong, just let her know how you feel and see if that makes an impact. It probably won't so you need to learn how to relate to her on a different level of friendship. Try to keep from being bitter. Be thankful for whatever time you can have with her and her kids.

Best wishes!

What is she so afraid of? It sounds like she is afraid that 'something' will happen if she leaves the kids with someone else. She is not helping herself or her kids if she lives in fear. What is going to do when her children go to school? She can't sit in the classroom with them.
Instead of trying to talk to her, talk to her husband and parents. This woman needs an intervention. It sounds like the beginning of post partum psychosis. She may need to be signed into a mental ward.

If she's breastfeeding then maybe she just can't leave her 7mo with anyone else. And maybe she feels that if she brings the 7mo old, then she must also bring the 3 yr old. I breastfed. My kids did not take bottles, therefore wherever I went, they went, unless I would be gone less than an hour. I didn't want a stranger baby sitter watching my little kids either and that family that does live nearby is not capable.