Awkward! Baby Shower Etiquitte

Call the mom and ask if she would like to co-host with you. Then go from there and see if you two can plan an awesome baby shower together! Good luck!

Actually, family members are not suppose to plan showers, they are suppose to be planned by friends. Emily Post was always very emphatic about this. You won't be stealing her thunder, you'll be relieving her of some stress and allowing her to enjoy herself instead of worrying about the details of the shower.

I would send off an e mail to her Mom just to get a confirmation that she does not want to do it. Could be a financial issue. I would want to
hear it directly from her.You do not want this to backfire on you.

N.,

Sorry, but it's time to start communicating. Regardless of what's gone on before, it's time to put the past in the past, and be adults for the sake of your SD and the new baby.

Like it or not, the reality is, you are all part of one big family. I know, I'm a step-mother, too. And now more than ever with a new baby on the way, the adults, the grandparents, really need to find a way to get along and be cordial. You don't have to be best friends or hang out together, but there are going to be times where you will all be present for the same event. How about when mom has the baby? Are you going to arrange different times to be at the hospital? What about baby's first birthday, would you (general you) really expect SD to throw two different "first birthday" parties?

It doesn't end there. There will be gatherings, holidays, and as the child grows, activities, school and sports events that you'll all want to attend. Do you want this awkward "I'm not talking to her" to go on forever?

Even if she hasn't been receptive in the past, try again. Tell her SD asked you to plan the shower, but you don't want to do it without including her. Extend the olive branch and see what happens.

Even if she refuses this time, at least you will have made the effort, and then, if you do plan the shower, it's not like you didn't try to include her.

For the sake of family harmony, try to do whatever is necessary to make this happen. It takes a while and might be awkward initially, but the rewards are really worth it.

Best to all of you,

J. F.

Some say that the grandmother shouldn't plan or throw a baby shower, as it's asking friends and family for gifts and is considered rude. Therefore, the mom-to-be should ask someone else to do the hosting, like an aunt, friend, or in your case, the step-mother. I would just suggest having the party in a territory-neutral location and perhaps find a co-hostess, like a close friend of your step-daughter's. Sounds like your step-daughter thinks a lot of you to ask!

Can I say first...You sound very thoughtful and considerate! The fact that you are taking time to consider the feelings of someone with whom you don't have a relationship established says good things about you.

You already have plenty of answers with the approach I think is best -- you need to start communicating, and regularly, and this is your big opening -- but I'd add that it's especially important because if you plan this alone and invite "mom's side of the family and [mom's?] friends" it will seem strange to those guests.

I also note that if your SD is old enough to be pregnant, well, it's past time you and her mom were in touch. Establish a good relationship now because if you don't there may be conflict in the future over who gets more time with the grandbaby, etc. Better to be cordial and in touch with her than to have everything going through your SD as a go-between once the baby is here.

One last thing -- it seems a little odd to me that SD is indeed the go-between here regarding the baby shower. Is there any chance that SD has a rocky relationship with her mom and maybe it's really SD, not mom, who wants you to throw the shower? I'm just saying that SD's relationship with her mother is in play here, and unless mom herself ceded the party planning to you, I'd want to hear it from mom herself rather than from SD only. Just so everyone is clear, and there is no "I didn't really say it that way" or "I only meant that stepmom could be involved, not take over" coming from mom later.

get over not communicating and use this at a time to call and ask if she'd like to help or if she has any lists of contacts and also if theres anything that should/shouldnt be done. you're both going to be the babies grandmom so use this as a time to begin speaking=)

It's tacky for a mother to throw a baby shower for her daughter. Not as tacky for a step mom (but still a little tacky if you want to be strict on the etiquette). So maybe her mom figured that she can't throw the shower but you could?

Her mom probably IS thrilled to share it, but doesn't want to breach the etiquette rules. As silly as it may sound to some people, etiquette matters to many people. My guess is that's all this is here.

It's time to be grown up and start communicating! Emailing or phone is often easier than face to face.

I agree with most, she probably is just following the old etiquette rules - "mom's don't throw daughter's showers".

Don't assume !!

I have always been told that babies bring out the best in adults. Perhaps your step daughter is trying to set the two of you up to get along better and open the communication lines.

My MIL's get along great and took tons of pictures together when our daughter was born.

Just because you and mom don't communicate does not mean you shouldn't. This should be true even before now. Call her mom and say "Hey, Suzy said you wanted me to throw the shower and I am ok with that as long as it is what you really want.". If she confirms that it is, you can then ask if she would like to help in anyway. You could even ask if she would like to co-host with you.

Some people hate entertaining. They find it stressful. perhaps like to entertain or have a nice large home. I can tell you that my mother would be happy to pawn these thing off, she hates entertaining.

If you are worried about stealing thunder, get the mom a Grandma to Be sash or badge, or something special for her at the shower to show her that you know how important her role is and that you respect it.

Here is one thing I know....a baby changes everything.

My ex-husband and I had a very tenuous and strained relationship, to say the least. We literally barely spoke in 14 years. My son was always available to him to his visitation, etc, however, my daughter was 10 years older and she wanted nothing to do with him because of the volatility and the fact that he ran me down to her at every single chance.

Well, wouldn't you know? I got the news that she was expecting a baby. It changed everything. We now celebrate holidays together as a family. After all these years after divorce, we have come together not only for our kids, but for our grandbaby as well. I don't regret any of it. My son is now a senior in high school and he absolutely loves me and his dad being together for family things. He doesn't have to have one or the other. He won't be home much longer. He'll be out in the world on his own, so this is a gift that we were able to give him, and BONUS! We all get to enjoy the baby!

So, here's the thing.....you and mom don't really communicate much. There's no better time to change that. You both obviously love your daughter. The only thing better than one grandma is two! I think you should extend the olive branch, include the mom as much as possible, and know that this could be a real starting point to a change in your relationship as mothers and as women, for the better. You don't have to worry about "stealing mom's thunder" if she has entrusted you with the planning portion of the shower. Include her in things like napkin or invitation choices or cute game ideas.

I'm kind of getting choked up as I type this because I know my little precious grandson was such a life-changing blessing in our lives. If anyone had told me that my ex-husband and I would even sit at the same table for a holiday meal, let alone me spending the night before so we could do the Santa thing and be up early to start preparing the meal, I'd have told them they were completely insane. But, it happens, and we actually get along and have a wonderful time with our babies and grandbaby all together.

I'm of the opinion that women really can be allies and work together for the good of all involved...especially when a baby comes along. Especially when you have the love of a child in common.

Talk to the mother. You have a lot of years ahead with each of you in the picture. There's no time like the present to work on changing the dynamic of your relationship.

Very, very best wishes to you.

Well, I can tell you where my mom would love to attend she would not love planning ... some people are just not that into hosting/planning a party it's pretty simple. I would call up the mother though and ask her if there are any traditions or foods etc that should be in place and ask what/if anything she would like to help with. This may also be her mother reaching out to you saying in her way that she respects you and your position as stepmom and new grandma to be too!

I think we all have to make calls to someone we're not fond of sometimes. This sounds like one of them. The two of you are going to be the baby's grandmother soon and you'll be seeing each other more and more at the baby's events. You'll probably be on the phone for less than 15 minutes. I would also want to feel comfortable that I wasn't getting told by the step daughter that the mom wanted me to do it and she was telling the mom that it was me who suggested that I do it instead of her. Call the mom and just say that she asked you to do it and you wanted to chat for a minute to see if that's the plan before you begin. Honestly, if I was responsible for the planning and felt that I was good at it, I wouldn't ask for her suggestions but only tell her to send her guest list to the mother-to-be by "blank" date so she can get them to you for the invitations and you'll get started.

I know that you said you and your step-daughter's mother "don't communicate" but I think you really need to make sure that on this one you make every effort to find out what's going on. You don't want to step on her toes if the two of them have a good relationship.

EDIT: By the way, I agree with Talkstotrees. The mother of the mother-to-be isn't supposed to plan the baby shower. However, that doesn't stop many people from doing it. But because step-parenting can be tricky ground, this is why I think you should clarify the situation first.

I don't think that you should ask her why, for a number of reasons, some not so flowery. I do think that you should reach out to her before you plan and ask her if there's anything special that she'd like for you to highlight before you put it all together. (That closes the door to any last-minute "suggestions".)

Don't worry about Mom's thunder; she's not gonna let you get anywhere near it. (If this were my SS's mother "letting" me host anything for him, her sentiment would be, "She wants to help out and be involved, so she can spend her money and put in all the work, while I show up and look fabulous. I've done all the hard work in raising him, so she can do this and feel important." Maybe your SD's mother feels this way. Maybe she genuinely wants to extend to you an opportunity to do what you love and to be included with her family. At this point, it probably doesn't matter because it likely won't make a difference unless you will someday have a heart-to-heart. You'll make yourself crazy stressing over it.

I would BET (not knowing anyone involved) that the conversation went something like this:

"Well why don't you ask N. to throw the shower? She loves throwing parties and that would make her feel helpful and involved."

Maybe her mother doesn't enjoy planning large events, but your stepdaughter knows that you do. Bottom line is does it matter why she has asked you to do it? If you would enjoy it and would like the good "family PR", then have a great time planning a beautiful celebration for your grandchild!

By the way, the "life event" is the birth of the child, not the shower. I'm sure mom will be present for the "life event" and in the days, weeks, months, years that follow.

Side note: see if you can communicate via email on this topic ONLY. Quick email to mom re: guest list would at least open the door to her if she wanted to contribute in some way.

If your SD asked you to plan the shower then take that as the guest of honor giving you permission to run with it. I know that sometimes SMs are really sensitive to other's feelings, but in this case it's not like you marched in and took over. You were asked. By the Mom to Be. Just do it and don't be guilty about it. She's giving you an honor. Invite whoever she wants - mom, aunts, etc. and let her mom share that way. You don't need to know why she isn't doing it.

FWIW, I planned my sister's baby shower. Mom was there, but she didn't do the bulk of the arrangements.

Hmm, weird! If you don't communicate I would guess there are bad feelings, so the thought that she is reaching out to you seems unlikely, but you would know that best? More likely she feels like it would be tacky for her to do so, as others mentioned. Or she just doesn't want to shell out the dough for the party.

I'm another vote in the 'try to communicate' camp. A simple e-mail that you are thrilled to do this but want to make sure this is what she wants.

But if that is just not possible, then do it and have fun! And I love the idea of including some special 'grandma' stuff. Love the sash idea by Victoria. Something that acknowledges her 'rank' will put everyone at ease. Anything at all that mentions grandma, clearing identifying her, will go a long way. But no need to overdo it, as the day isn't about her, it's about your SD.

So sweet of you to worry about her feelings and stealing her thunder. Very thoughtful- you go girl!

maybe mom can't afford to do it. I would assume she is invited right? Why don't you call her and just talk to her and say "x" asked me to do the shower would you be willing to co-host it with me. that way you are still planning but she can be in on it.

Wow. My brother and some friends just moved to Henderson. They are planting a church in Vegas... small world. :)

Since you and the mom do not communicate, maybe this is the mom's way of letting you be part of it, without her inviting you.

She may have done this because she knows how well you do at it or she may have felt you'd get your feelings hurt because she didn't ask.

It is time to call her and visit with her about it.

Haven't read all your answers, but from what I understand, the old school etiquette for showers was to not have anyone from your immediate family host your shower (especially bridal showers). It is likely that your step-daughter's mother feels it is inappropriate for her to host. Google "immediate family hosting showers" to check it out. I know it is now very common, but my mom didn't host my bridal or baby showers for me, for that reason. If that's the case, then you are actually doing her a favor, not stealing her thunder! :)

Everly said exactly what I was going to say. I wonder if the mom is going to attend the shower though? That could be a bit awkward!