Baby Shower Gift Giving

No need for explanation. Gifts are just that--gifts. The gift giver has the right to choose what to give. I would tell the lazy one that "you just got her something small because throwing the shower was her big gift". Done.

Spend whatever you think you should. Just remember this: If you base your gifts on what you've gotten instead of kindness and love, you're not giving...you're doing a business transaction.

I'm not a tit for tat person, I don't keep score, but if that's your way of seeing the world so be it.
I guess if she notices and says something you can just be honest and say "well, I only give to those who give to me, and I base how much I spend on what I think about you as a person."

I totally get what you're saying. My husband's family drives me crazy sometimes. They spoil his sister's kids (I mean absolutely spoil them) and hardly do anything for my boys. They spend less than half as much money on our boys as they do on each of her three kids. It's ridiculous!!!

So, my husband and I have this conversation every Christmas. I did leave it up to him, as it's his family, but I did express my frustration. Still, he's decided that he wants to give in the spirit of giving. We can afford to give, and he doesn't want us to hold back just because they don't give to us as generously. I get annoyed by this, but I have to admit that it's one of the reason I love him.

What's most important here is that you and your husband decide together what the two of you are ok with. If you choose to give the one SIL less, it might go unnoticed, but it might also be very much noticed. You have to decide if you're ok with that. But as long as the two of you are on the same page, give what you are ok with. Remember that it is a gift and not an obligation, so it really is up to you.

Whatever you spend is up to you and your hubby.

It does seem very petty and too time consuming to keep score for years on who gave what, how much, how big, etc.

That just seems so petty and childish.

You obviously don't like them, you hold grudges and you judge them based on what they've done for you. A wedding card, Really? You clearly have not looked past the real estate transaction that you still hold a grudge about.

Instead of being mad at someone else about the real estate transaction, I'd be mad at myself and hubby for not being on top of things enough to know not to do it in the first place.

What is the point of continuing the relationship at all? The truth is that it is a fake relationship and whatever you are doing is simply business transactions.

if i understand correctly you are helping plan the single shower but not the joint shower?
if thats the case then you could simply let her know that the shower was part of your gift ot her.

I don't see anything wrong with what you want to do. I would do the same.

I'd be surprised if she called you out on it. I mean, who would say, why did they get bigger/better gifts than I did? So if she does have the balls to say that, then I would say that you can say the truth to her. I doubt that she will notice though. You have the right to give whatever gift you feel you want to without any kind of explanation to anyone. Good luck.

The amount of money you spend is entirely up to you.

To answer your specific question: no.

And yes, you do sound petty.

I really dislike score keeping.
Especially with family.

ew.
i don't know what the 'appropriate' response would be because i have zero patience for all this score-keeping.
i suggest you give your mingey tiny gift and grow a thick skin when your mingey SIL gets pissy about it.
blick.
khairete
S.

I'd be surprised if she brings it up but if she does, I'd say "oh, gee, you've never seemed that into gift giving and SIL#1 and SIL#2 have always been so into it I just went with what seemed typical based on history... Seemed simplest. And I helped throw your shower." Don't get into "well, you never gave us a wedding gift card" or list other stuff unless she asks for examples. And even then, I'd say it all very innocently. And I'd say it in such a way that you were "obligated" to give a lot to other SIL's. "Did you know they gave us $$$?? I mean, we had to reciprocate, right?..." I say it an awefilled voice about the SIL's how much they've done for you. Not say she's done nothing but how much they have done. If she doesn't get the point, who cares. She's an idiot.

I'd get them a small gift for the shower then give the one you like a bigger gift in private.