I'm trying to plan a baby shower for a good friend, but not an ordinary shower. Her baby is going to be born with heart problems, that will require surgery ASAP. The hospital is 3hrs from home. Would it be rude to have a shower & ask that people bring gas cards, restaurant cards, and that type of stuff? She has most of the basic baby necessities. I just feel these types of items may be more beneficial to them at the time. Please share your thoughts & opinions, or experiences!
Edit......................Pretty much everyone that will be coming is aware of the baby's condition. She does have another child (which I will be caring for most of the time while she is away). Both the mother to be and father will be taking FMLA. I told her my thoughts about the gift cards & asked if she would be offended. They will be taking the baby straight to surgery as long as everything else is ok. They are looking at about a month stay from the start.
I came up win the ideal, only because I have been in the same situation. My oldest was rushed off to surgery right after birth & stayed 14 days in the NICU. I myself would have loved to have had gift cards. I wasn't offered food at the hospital. I had to go to local restaurants. I had to commute an hour both ways to go home & shower. I completely understand the financial hardship.
I would not do a baby shower! You can collect gas cards etc on the QT and when the baby is born you can get them to her and her husband.
Does everyone know what's going on? I think all things "family" are super personal and only the family members themselves get to divulge what they want to. For example, my sister knew her baby's name before the shower - but I didn't tell a soul. If I was asked, I told them to ask my sister...her baby, her choice.
I would also think a baby shower would be for fun baby stuff. Anyone who truly loves this family and is able to, will help in any way they can in addition to celebrating baby.
I don't think that would be rude at all, a better word is practical.
Our son spent one week in a hospital an hour and a half away and I would have killed for a Starbucks (in the hospital) or a gas card!!! No it wouldn't be rude. When we were there, a church group brought by $5 McDonald's (there was one in the hospital) gift cards to random parents in the children's ward. You'd think they'd given us gold! I actually cried about the tremendous kindness from these strangers. If these people are truly her friends, they will want to fill her needs as best they can. This is a wonderful idea and you're a great friend....Also, Margie G. has a point, every new Mama wants to open traditional baby gifts. Maybe they could bring both??
My only thought is that at most baby showers I've been to, you're celebrating the baby's birth and oohing and ahhing over the little tiny socks and onesies and it's kind of joyous, happy occasion. So while I love the idea you suggest, I'm picturing a shower where she doesn't open cute baby gifts, but instead gas cards. Which is very practical and useful - and thoughtful - but I think it's kind of not so much about baby anymore, as help us with our costs. I think I'd let people bring their baby/mom gifts, and if they wanted to donate a few bucks to the other fund (costs) then get one card (gas, etc.) and let them all sign the card you put that in. I think then you've got the best of both :)
Do most people know about the circumstances? If so, I think it is perfectly fine to tell people what the family would appreciate. Maybe on the invitation you can call it a shower of gift cards.
Seeing that you are in Kentucky, I'm wondering if they will be going to St. Louis. If so, they definitely need to get in touch with the Mighty Oakes Foundation!! Mighty Oakes was started by a family whose baby boy was born with a Congenital Heart Defect. Their main purpose is being there to provide support for families who are far from home. I believe there is also a strong Mended Little Hearts group in the St. Louis area as well. One of my best friends (and my hero) has been treated for her CHD in St. Louis since she was a baby. There is a very strong CHD community in that area and they will be there with open arms to help in any way!
I'll be keeping their family in my thoughts and prayers.
what a thoughtful thing you are doing. Please talk to the to-be parents before you do this.
If I got an invite telling me what to bring to a baby shower, I would be a tad put-off. I understand what you are doing, but look at it from other people's point of view too. Do they know what's going on with the pregnancy and what will be happening afterwards? If they don't and they get this, you might be adding more stress to the mom-to-be when they start calling her and asking questions.
If they are going to Louisville for a Children's Hospital, many have contracted with local hotels for reduced rates for families that need to come and stay with their children.
If she has told you this is what they need, explain that to the guests. Make sure everyone knows what is going on. Find out what they really need, don't assume their needs.
I think what you are planning is incredibly sensitive and kind. She will really appreciate all of your thought and planning. I think it's a great idea!
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For me? No. That is not a baby shower. If people know the situation, you can gather the items for them. A baby shower is to celebrate the birth of the baby. I really love the gesture behind this and what you are trying to do. However, you REALLY need to talk to her and find out what they are doing and what they will need.
If this is their second child, they may need a babysitter or someone to transport that child to and from where-ever. They might need prepared foods.
The hospital that is doing the surgery might have a long-term stay place for families like this (Ronald McDonald house). Find out if they are going to be utilizing that, if available to them. They may want to go to a long-term type hotel (Extended Stay) and gift cards for that hotel might be welcome so they don't have to drive 3 hours a day. I would hazard to guess they will be utilizing FMLA during this time do they don't have to return to work immediately.
Please talk to the mom and dad and tell them how you want to help them. See what they want, need and plan to do.
I also think this is a great idea and think telling invitees that it's a help the parents shower. I'd tell them about the baby, the surgery, and the distance from home and suggest cards. I'd also tell them if they'd rather give a physical gift that's also OK.
Remember when money trees at showers and weddings were popular. I see no difference between a money tree and a card tree. Instead of a tree, you could make a different sort of recepticle. Perhaps something medical.
Later: I think I'd call the shower something other than baby shower. I suggest that you not have a baby shower until after the baby is born and lives through the surgery.
As others have suggested, definitely talk to mom about what she wants.
As long as she is ok with everyone knowing about the baby's problems, I think it's a great idea to throw a particular kind of shower. Just make sure the guest of honor is aware that the attendees will be told about the heart problems and are there to support her, celebrate the birth, and show their encouragement. If that works out, then tell guests that no traditional baby gifts (strollers, bibs, etc) be given, but instead, request gift cards of all kinds and pampering items for the new mom (and dad).
You might consider finding a creative way to give them. You could get some kind of tree or sturdy branches and set them in a container, weighted down with pretty rocks. Get cute little clothespins and fill the tree with clipped-on gift cards. Tie pretty pastel ribbons on the tree or drape pink or blue or yellow garlands of flowers.
it sounds like what's actually needed is a gofundme option. your heart's in the right place, but i'm not sure you can really tell people what to buy.
khairete
S.
When you invite people to the shower, they will undoubtedly ask where she is registered. That is your opportunity to explain the circumstances. Have a list of gas stations and restaurants to give out, much like you would a shower registry.
She may still want to register though. If it were me, when I heard this, I'd go buy a gift card, and I'd still want to buy something small for the baby.
I don't think that would be rude at all! Have you already made and sent the invitations out? If not, I would state this on the invite. You can even do an electronic invitation like an Evite (through email), and state this on there and maybe even reach out to the guests to individually restate this. I don't think anyone would be offended with being told that instead of the typical baby gifts they need these items more. And if they are, well then they have issues lol. Not everyone will listen probably, but most ppl will take this to heart. One of my friends threw me a baby shower and she knows I love books (I'm a former teacher) and want my daughter to have lots of books, so on the invitation she put "Bring a book instead of a card." It was actually written in a cute poem form, but that was the jist of it. I really appreciated this and all the guests seemed to like this. Many of my friends wrote sweet notes in the book too, just like you would a card. I highly doubt anyone was offended by this but more so thought it was cute and unique.
Another thought is if most ppl bring gift cards, why don't you skip the whole opening gifts things and do something else sweet instead, like decorating onesies. Let's be honest, watching someone open gift after gift gets old for guests anyway lol. Do a nonconvential shower; be more fun anyway. Not sure what you all believe in, but if it were me and my friend we would have a moment of prayer for mom and baby-to-be, given the circumstances. That would also be very sweet
Is this her first baby? I ask because you said she has most necessities.
I know the expectant parents are probably emotionally torn and stressed as well. Is she up for a shower? Baby showers are to celebrate baby.
I do think it's rude to suggest to any guest (for any party/shower) what they should bring, especially when you're basically asking for $$. I see that as a go fund me shower that has little to do with the baby except for the theme.
Arent the invitees already aware of the situation, which they should already be because a shower shouldnt be a free for all invitation for every acquaintance they know (gift grab)?
Most people who know the situation will honor the baby in some way with a gift and may add gift cards, etc for mom and dad without suggestions.
Your basis idea is very sweet but to dance on the line of asking for money is tacky.
You are very sweet to try to plan this in the most mannerly way for your friends. I wish them the best.
When our son was born, what I really appreciated more than all the gifts, was the one person who sent a "Mom's Care Package"..it was filled with soaps, bath salts and other kind of bath items. His note was that he was sure baby got tons of stuff, but that since I had given birth, I needed a treat, too.
Something you might do, create a Parents' Gift Basket. You can get a nice basket and ribbon..fill it up with the gift cards, put cellophane over it, a big bow...and that turns it from "here...here's your gift card" to "oooooo, let's see all the cards in this awesome basket."
You also may want to find out if their baby will be making return trips to the hospital and see if there is a "hospital bag" you ask people to create for them. That way people can donate gift cards, but they could also donate diapers, pacifers, butt cream, etc. and they can have all of that in one hospital bag.
I may be the exception, but I always liked the practical gifts way more than the mink teddy bear or silver rattle.
It would be kind of awkward opening presents of gas cards during the baby shower if the mom-to be doesn't know. As long as the pregnant friend who is the guest of honor request this instead of the cute (often useless) items, then do a baby shower and a 'go-fund-me' style fund raiser.
One shower I went to requested a book for the baby (I assumed in addition to the present). You could write 'chevron gas and subway sandwich are located near Community Hospital 3 hours away. I'm sure the Millers could use a lunch break while Jack is getting his much needed surgery.'
I think gas and restaurant gift cards are a great idea. I personally would not be offended if I received an invitation and the host mentioned something like that. I can only imagine the stress the parents are going through knowing that their baby's first weeks/months will be so difficult. I would also bring a baby gift, just because I love buying baby stuff, but I'd definitely provide gas/food cards.
If guests ask, you may also want to suggest to a couple of them bringing things for the parents to do while spending endless hours at the hospital. Books of crossword puzzles or a subscription to a good movie streaming service, a favorite novel, a coloring book for grownups and nice colored pencils, etc. Maybe ask a separate question to parents whose babies have had long hospital stays and find out what kept them going through such a hard time.
One other thought, though you'd need to check with the mom before arranging it... You could arrange for a photographer to do a newborn photo shoot when the baby is born if it isn't being immediately whisked to surgery and hooked up to machines. The parents may truly love the idea of a few special pictures snuggling with their baby, especially if anything goes wrong in surgery.
I'd prefer to go to a baby shower to do a baby shower. As for the rest of it, I'd be sure to mention that if they would rather help the family with costs related to the trip that there would be a money tree they could put monetary gifts on. This way they can still feel they have a choice and give the baby a little something along with giving mom a little something too.
This way Mom still has a lot of things to open and the money tree is in another room where everyone who can can slip away and pin something on it.
I'd hate to go to a baby shower for a baby who is at risk and there be nothing to open. How incredibly sad, not a good image.
You are a good friend for trying to be helpful. I would talk to the mom about this first though. She may not even feel up for a baby shower. If so, tell her what you were thinking and leave it up to her. If she does think these things would be helpful, I would make it CASH instead of gift cards. If the hospital is 3 hours away they likely will not be familiar with the area to know where certain gas stations or restaurants are. They also may not feel like going out for a steak dinner with their gift card. They will mostly be at the hospital most of the time and not worried about going out for big meals. JMO. Good luck.
I think it is fine to tell people what she really needs but only if they ask for guidance when selecting a gift. Otherwise, I think it is kind of tacky to tell people what to buy. Most mother's to be have a gift registry so if most of the items are already checked off the list people may be calling to ask what to purchase.
(I would think close friends and family would already know this info though)
