Baby's 1St Birthday

you could run it like an open house. we did for my son's 2nd b-day. (so easy) we set a time 1-4 and as people showed up they could spend some time with him, and he could open their gift if they brought one. we laid out some finger foods and cupcakes so we had no set cake or mealtime. you could also let her have a smash cake on her actual b-day instead of the party day. this worked for us since both sides of the family dislike each other. I have a father and his girlfriend, a mother and step-father, some grandparents, aunts uncles, and older sibs. this really worked and one politely left when the other showed up. the day was more focused on my son and not the family dynamics.

Honestly, with people like this, talking to them will do NO good- trust me. I have been dealing with parents that hate each other for years. If they can't in the same room with each other, maybe pick a nice day and have the celebration at the park. That way they are not in a confined space, and if it gets heated, they can walk it off far away from the rest of the group without being obvious. Good luck!

This is a flashback to my parents with my nephew (their first grandchild) and his 1st birthday party. There was a bit of an issue, but if you cave to her now, you will be doing it for everything. My nephew is now 15 and my mom refuses to come to family events with him. I have let her know that it is her decision to exclude herself. She doesn't like it, but we aren't going to do two birthday parties and two graduation parties and two weddings for example. It is her choice and she doesn't like it, but until she is ready to be an adult, she will be the one missing out.

First of all, congratulations on your daughter's first birthday!

As far as that situation goes, I would simply invite them all, warn them to be on their best behavior OR not attend because if they behave like children, you will treat them as such and ask all involved parties to leave. Get your husband's help on this. I personally believe it would be best if HE would handle his parents on this or else it will not turn out very nice at all. Anytime, at the party or not, the inlaws bad mouth each other, I would change the subject and refuse to hear it. If asked, I would explain that I find that it is none of my business or some other explanation that conveyed my feelings of displeasure at being hoisted to the middle of a dispute that is over 3 decades long.

That being said, YOU and YOUR HUSBAND decide what behavior is acceptable in YOUR household. It is similar to dealing with unacceptable behavior from your children or possibly even pets. (But, they at least speak the same language as you do. LOL) If she does get nasty, tell her politely as possible (without sounding like a doormat) to leave until she can behave. No yelling, responding or anything to whatever she may say. Do not allow her to goad you into doing or tolerating anything you would prefer not to. If she gets over it, good. If not, it doesn't sound like YOUR FAMILY is missing too much.

Have a wonderful and enjoyable event. Be sure to snap some messy and cute baby pictures!

M.

P.S. I noticed some people suggested to have two separate parties. Do not do this unless you are prepared to do that for every event. I have seen that happen. That includes two weddings (that are equally nice), two separate reuinions, two separate parties for every single event. The list can go on. I know it sounds like an easy out, but it could get to be a headache in the future. A piece of advice I always got from people much older and wiser than myself would be to start as you mean to go on.

If she comes to the party (she will), set the rules prior to her arrival and reiterate when she arrives. Tell her that there will no foolishness and if she starts, then you will ask her to leave. It might be better if this comes from your husband, but we know sometimes that husbands do not like to do these things. Be firm and do not let this childishness ruin your sweet baby's party.

Oh, and don't do 2 separate parties like some mom's suggested. This is YOUR child and you do NOT have to alter your plans or way of life for immature people who can't hold it together for 2 hours and keep the peace. Plain and simple, if she can't act like she has some sense, then she can stay home. It's her loss. YOU certainly don't have to make it your job to pacify her.

I think that your husband should have a "mature" conversation with his mother and father and just tell them that this is a happy occasion and he will expect them both to attend the birthday party and he will expect them to behave themselves like adults. If they want to be invited to other events in your children's lives they will adhere to the request. If things "get nasty" then ask them to leave and keep the party going. You can talk about it later. If they do not think that they can keep emotions under control for 2 hours during a child's birthday party, then they should not attend. Do not let either of them guilt you for inviting the other. They are both your husbands parents!! Put your foot down on this one!!

Dear Abby would say invite them all and let them sort it out. If they act poorly ask them all to leave. Dont get into discussions about the other party.

Good luck. My parents havent spoken in 20 years either. Its difficult

Good morning, S.. I understand why you have handled the plans up until now. Your husband now needs to back you up on talking to his mother. He needs to tell her if she can't handle being around them, please don't come and you both understand, but if she decides to show up, she will be expected to act like a grown up and behave herself: otherwise she will be told to leave. When he married you, you and your children became his family, and that is his first priority. He loves his mother, of course, but she needs to know that you are both on the same page and even though you both love and respect her and her feelings, even though you don't understand them after all of these years, you will not be manipulated into doing things her way. It may be hard to do, but stand your ground. You 2 just may be the ones to help her see that this is a rediculous way to live. If you let this go and she messes it up, you will know what to look forward to in years to come. Best wishes, and happy birthday to your daughter!

S.,
I am so sorry that as you plan your daughter's first birthday party that you are having to go through this. It should be a very exciting time for you and your family.
My husband and I went through the same thing when we plan to have family together. My advice would be to obviously invite whomever you and your husband want to invite and the rest is up to them. You cannot control how they feel or what they do, so the ball is in their court, so to speak! Good luck and have a wonderful time at her party!

YOUR DAUGHTER IS THE MOST IMPORTANT FIGURE FOR THE DAY!!!You "hit the nail on the head". She is an adult and needs to act like one. If she cannot contain herself then she needs to excuse herself. BUT don't put all of this on you! These are not your parents and your husband needs to step up to the plate and ask her to leave if it gets ugly. The most important thing is for your child'd birthday to memorable because of what SHE does not grandmother. I say keep doing what your doing and make sure that hubby has your back. This is a birthday party not a free for all.

It would be such a shame if all the grandparents were not in attendance at your daughter's 1st birthday party. Your mother in-law sounds very childish and set in her ways. However, like you said, if it makes her happy not to attend then so be it. The negativity is not welcome at your daughter's birthday party. This day is about the child and not the petty differences of a grown woman who can't seem to move beyond past hurts. I would not encourage her behavior at all. At some point you just have to leave her out of family gatherings all together. If she can't get the message then sadly she will miss out on the chance of a lifetime to spend time with her grandchild. DO NOT feed into her negativity about the father in-law and his new wife. Sounds to me like she just wants the attention on her. My mother is that way and I have had to exclude her from family gatherings all together because she brings too much negativity wherever she goes. It's tough but worth it for the sake of the others involved. Hope that helps. It's just my opinion and what has worked for me to avoid allowing someone else to steal my joy and that of my children and other family members. Take care & enjoy every minute of your daughter's first birthday party!!

congrats, S.! It is so fun having that one year old! They are experiencing so much, but unfortunately, they are getting older and will eventually understand what is going on around them. Not yet, though and for that you are lucky! I would have your husband explain to them (if he won't do it, you do it), that this is for your child, their grandchild. How they behave on this one day will affect all other important days in her life. If they cannot get along, then they won't be invited to any other parties or important dates. This day is for her and not them. Your daughter doesn't understand what is going on now, but she will eventually and she will connect happy days for her as being fight days for other people. I lived that way for many years and I eventually had to break complete ties with my parents because of it. I may have lived that way as a child and adult (my dad made me cry on my wedding day, the day of the births of my first 2 children, and my daughter's first birthday), but my children will not live that way. Their happy days would be happy days! Once the adult parents understand that you mean business, the ball is in their court! Unfortunately, in my case the ball got kicked to the mean neighborhood lady's house and we never got it back! LOL! If it comes to this, it must for your children's sake! Be strong and remember your children's happiness is at stake!

Sara

You are in a tough spot, but your doing the right thing. If she decides to come you need to just lay down some boundaries. Tell all of them that you house belongs to your children. Its there home and that they are all welcome to show love to your children. You want that as a mother. We all want our children to feel they have people all around them that love them and are there for them, but you will not tolerate anything else. Their problem is just that 'their problem' and if they can not help you in creating a circle of support and love for the children then yes just stay home. Ask her if her love for her grandchild is greater than her hate of him.
I have to do this all the time. My parents and my ex in laws do not get along. They cant stand the site of one another. But now they come to baseball games etc.. and have even sat together. Unfortunately they make us treat them like children. I still say " The kids of ___ on Tuesday at 5:30 can you make it? Great! they will be happy, and Treasa and Bill will be there. Behave." Behave is pretty much all I remind them of now. Its enough. They know what happens when they don't. I tell who ever started it to just go.
If it is your mother in law you may want your husband to do this. Mine was a momma's boy and he could never stand up to them so good luck. I hope your daughter has the best 1st birthday!

S.

I think you handled it great! I know how you feel. I put off getting married for many years just because I didn't know how to handle getting my parents together. I know everyone is different but I was shocked at how well my parents behaved. They weren't hugging but they spoke once and there was no animosity or bad mouthing. They were definately on their best behavior. So hopefully your MIL will be grown up enough to behave also. :) Try not to stress to much about it and let it take away from your joy. And if things get out of hand, well... think of how funny this will be years from now. Sorry not much help but it does pay to have a sense of humor in these situations.
Hope for the best! Congrats on your baby's first Birthday!

My mother and mother in law do not get along so we don't have them over at the same time. I would suggest having your mother in law over the night before or the night after for your own party. There is no sense in getting ppl together that do not like each other and having the 'chance' of anything being uncomfortable. You do not have to have her bday party on the exact day. You do ONE of the parties on the exact day....I always have one with friends and their kids, one with my mom, and then one with mom in law. It is more fun celebrating it several times anyway, especially as they get older, they love it! Or, have one over in the am for brunch or lunch and the other over for dinner. Make a day of it! W.

S. - congrats on doing the right thing and putting your daughter first! I think you did the right thing in telling your mother-in-law that the ball was in her court - if she chooses to miss her granddaughter's birthday party, then that is her call. I would advise you to "stick to your guns", because whatever you do this year, will be the precedent for many, many birthday parties in the future. If she does tell you that she is going to come, I would thank her, and tell her that you "know she will be polite for the baby's sake". Maybe that will head off any confrontations. She needn't come if she is going to make a scene.
Good luck!

OMG You can't be serious.....You know if she wants to be that way then let it be. She can't put her feelings aside for one day for her grandchild then she dosen't deserve to be there! She's the one missing out! Maybe she will learn her leason and act like a grown adult next time. They both have the right to be in your childs life. She just needs to stop being so selfish.
C.

I understand where you are coming from. I have the same issue, except my mom does not hate my dad's wife...she smailes at them and will be polite, but she does not go out of her way to talk to them or anything. When my first son was turning 1 I worried about having everyone there. Then I thought, you know, this is for my son and if they can't behave then they would not be invited back to special family events. My husband and I decided from the beginning that we were not going to have 2 seperate parties b/c they didn't like being in the same room together. By the way, biethdays are the only time we have everyone over together. I invite and it is up to them if they come. I let them know they would be greatly missed if they didn't come, but it is their descision. Your MIL does need to put her feelings aside long enough to enjoy her grand-daughters birthday. Hope this helps.

You handled it brilliantly. What else can you do? You gave her the invitation and the option to accept or decline.

What if she chooses to come to the party? As soon as things look like they might be getting ugly, you or your husband, whichever is more diplomatic or whose chastising is more likely to be better received, remind her this is about your daughter and elicit a promise from her that she will keep her feelings on other issues put away for the day. If, however, she continues escalate the negative situation, apologize but let her know that, in order to keep your daughter's birthday a happy event, if she cannot contain her ill feelings, you will have to ask her to leave. And, if it looks as though that will be necessary, do so before the situation gets out of hand. If necessary, remind her of her promise to behave and apologize once more as you show her the door.

Don't be surprised if you suddenly become the evil d-i-l and are "on 'her' side" - the evil other woman.

Good luck.

If it gets nasty, kick her out! YOUR house, YOUR rules. If she wants to be childish, she can take it elsewhere. I don't think your daughter will remember it either way, but YOU are entitled to peace in your home. Good luck!

All you can do is invite everyone to the party. They have to decide to be adults. If they can't be adults, then I think you husband should step in and either talk with his Mom or ask her to leave. The party is not about her or her feelings, it's for your child. The child should come first on their big day.
Good luck.
W.

we have the exact same thing going on here. We just send invitations to them and usually she doesn't show up. Like you said, not my problem. And I gotta tell you, we had a great birthday without her. Maybe you could do something special with her if she doesn't show up.

invite them all tell her if she cant control her self she will leave. been where you are now and everything turned out fine.

First of all, I'm so sorry. It's sad when adults act like children. Unfortunately my husbands family seems to be very similar to yours. I have 3 small children myself and it used to bother me a great deal that one set or another would refuse to show up because the other set would be there. These are the 2 things that I've learned over the years. First, it is significantly less uncomfortable for everyone if one set DOESN'T show up. So I usually casually bring up the date of the event and one way or another somebody can't make it. I let them come up with whatever excuses they need to, and am usually happy for it in the long run. Secondly, none of this stuff is really your issue, it's theirs. So keep it that way. It's easier on you if you just stay out of it. I know with my family it doesn't matter what any body says or thinks. These people HATE each other and that's just life. That being said, they both - separately - love their grandchildren and act wonderfully to them one on one...which is the most important thing.

Your daughter is only 1, she'll never know that one set is missing, she'll hardly understand it's her birthday! I think it bothers you the most and trust me - I understand. But I'd distance yourself from their negativity and continue on have a wonderful day for your daughter. The happier YOU are the happier she'll be!! When she gets old enough to realize somebody's missing, be honest with her. So that way she knows it has nothing to do with their love for her, but more the issues between them.

Good luck! Focus on the good stuff!!

This is where your hubby needs to step in and ensure your baby has a wonderful first birthday... Even though his mom is the one acting up he needs to talk to both his parents and their spouses and tell them to get a grip and enjoy their granddaughters first birthday or u are sorry they arent invited..

No one needs to spoil the babies party and if they cant get along then u might consider doing two birthdays for her... one with his father and step mom and one with his mom and step father...

I know this isnt what u want but it might satisfy everyone and make it enjoyable for u and the baby and the rest of the family...

The First Birthday!! What a wonderful day. You do not need the stress of whether or not the "grown ups" are going to get into it. You need to have the "amazing man" your married to speak to his mother and his father. He needs to let them know that there is going to be 1 party and they are both being invited. If either of them feel they cannot be civil, then they should not attend the party. Make sure you husband is very firm in this.Tell them you are sorry they feel that way and hope they change they minds and come to this once in a lifetime event. Sometimes, coming from the son (and not the daughter-in-law) makes more of an impact.

Also, be very clear that if ANY nasty comments, actions or inuendos are made at the party, it will result in immediate explusion of the person making it. If they feel they can't hold their tongues, they should leave them at home with the rest of them.

Don't let them start this now. You have many, many more birthdays, holidays, and events in your future to let one of them hold you hostage. Otherwise, you will have to figure out how to have 2 separate graduations ceremonies for her when she graduates high school and college. Your mother-in-law sounds like she could use some therapy to get over her issues with her ex.

I wish you luck.

Hi S.,
My suggestion would be to sit down with her and tell her that you want things to be peaceful and that you want your daughters first birthday party to be nice and for every one to have happy memories of it. Tell her that if she cant be nice then you prefer that she not come at all. That it will be her loss if she goes through life letting her exs life with his wife ruin her chances to get to be a part of her grandaughters life. Let her know that she is welcome to attend but that you will not tolerate rudiness or nastiness from any one in your home. Let her know that you think her grandaughter could benefit from her being a part of her life.

I think you did the right thing. You sometimes have to set your foot down and tell your parents off to get thru to them. Even if they are grandparents. I had to do something similar to my husbands grandmother once. I felt horrible afterwards, but we went on to become very close. This is your daughter's 1st birthday. It will never happen again.

No, you're not idealistic. Where does your husband stand on all this? 'Ideally', HE should tell his mom that you all really want her to come to the baby's birthday party, but that it's 'off-limits' to be nasty. It's not about HER, it's about the baby, and she should respect you (and herself) enough to act like a lady!

If he won't tell her, I'd suggest that you say something like, "We really want you to come, but we expect everyone who comes to be civil to each other."

I mean, after all, is that too much to expect of GRANDPARENTS??!! They should be setting the EXAMPLE of civility and kindness!

P.S. I read some other responses, and I agree
1) DO NOT have 2 parties,
2) Stand your ground,
3) Let them know beforehand what's expected
3a) AND that you'll not invite them to future celebrations if they deviate,
4) If they do come and act ugly, calmly but firmly tell them to leave!

I think you did the right thing. Don't take ownership for making your in-laws happy.

I think it should really be your husband's responsibility to intervene if things get ugly. Depending on his relationship, he may want to say something in advance like, "It means a lot to us for you to be here for your granddaughter's birthday and I know you and XXX don't always get a long, but for her and our sake, we expect you to keep the peace." If things would get bad, he needs to tell them to leave.

If you have the space, (like a living room AND a dean), try to have party gatherers congregate in two locations so they don't have to sit eye to eye all afternoon. This seems to work at our house!

S.,
Yikes!! How about having your husband speak with her?? It's his Mom, right? It sounds like if this has not been resolved in 30 years I wouldn't expect any change too soon!!

How about separate gatherings in the future? As far as the 1 year old, she won't know the difference!! Of course, if things do get ugly the 8 year old will know.

I don't envy your situation but I do think your husband should pioneer it with his mother.

Good luck!

N.

I have the exact same situation except I have been dealing with it for almost 13 years now. After the first time that we had problems with the grandparents acting like children we told them both that if they could not act like adults and get along for that hour or so that they would have to alternate and come for different things. I refused to have to go to the expense of having 2 different parties because of them acting like children. They were basically told if they could not act like adults that they would each be missing out on special times in their grandchildrens lives. It is really sad because they chose to do this instead of dealing with each other for that hour or so. Now I also refuse to have holidays at my house because I will not leave one of them out. We do our own holidays and then they come by at different times. I really wish it could be different because my kids love both of them and their current spouses and it would be great to be able to get everyone together.

Don't let them and their behavior run your life. Let them know what is expected and if they cannot do it then they do not need to come.

This is her problem. You enjoy your baby. And if they are selfish enough to start something with one another, have your husband ( his parents) ask them to leave or act accordingly. My experience with this personally tells me most people are talk and can hold it together for a couple of hours for their grandchild and son. You got married I assume they were there for that?! Things will be fine, don't worry.

My parents also hate each other and are remarried. My son just turned 1 in Nov. We had the party in our kitchen. I knew it might get nasty, so I decided to head things off at the pass. I called both of my parents and warned them that they better be on their best behavior or I would be mad. They both knew that they had to behave. I told them they would not be invited to any future birthday parties or Christmas, or anything if they were mean. My parents basically ignored each other at the party, but didn't cause a scene. It is a really hard way to live, but I know how horrible it is. I think you just have to let them know that you mean business and make sure they understand the consequences. That kept my parents in line.

S.,
I would talk to your husband to see if he has any suggestions. Another option is to do two separate parties, or just offer your mother-in-law a separate time to come and see he grandchild. I do not personally have issues with in laws. My sister-in-law got divorced a few years ago after a 20+ year marriage. Her husband basically ignored them except for court hearings. When their only daughter graduated from college she wanted to invite her Dad. Her Mom agreed to it. He ended up standing in the back and we sat in the next to last row. My SIL was so upset, she cried through the entire ceremony. I am sure part of it was tears of joy for her daughter but it was mostly because of him. Good Luck.

It sounds like you are in a tough spot. If you knew that they couldn't be in a room together, then why did you plan one large party? You can ask your husband to handle this but he is being made to go into your in-laws confrontation and he will probably have to pick sides. In the end, he won't enjoy his daughter's party and he might have lingering conflict with his parents and stepparents. Did he suggest one large party or do you feel this is what is supposed to occur for the first birthday? I think a large first birthday party is great if you know everyone will come out of it without resentment. Otherwise, you might be setting yourself up for a lifetime of problems with these in-laws and you, your children, and especially your husband don't need that.
If you are determined to have the party, set some boundaries and do your best to focus on your children and husband and let the in-laws do their own thing. There are only so many things you can control. So, cut the cake, open the gifts, and act like there are no problems. You do have other guests that took time out of their day to spend with you and your family.
Good luck and I hope your daughter has a great birthday.

It is you and your husband's job to set appropriate boundaries for the sake of your family, especially your daughter's. If they could not act like civil, responsilbe adults for the sake of their grand-children then they WOULD NOT be invited! Period! It would not be an option for things to get out of hand or ugly... they would be missing out on the family functions! Never leave it to chance when it comes to your kids! Protect your family...that is your first and foremost job! Point them to Christ...who forgives us everyday...who are we to be any different?

M.~ Jer 29:11
www.amothershope.webs.com

Hi S.,

You have to remember that you cannot control others actions. If they show up and show themselves then politely invite them to leave your house. You definately don't want your children to be around that type of behavior from so called "mature adults".
I had the same problem with my grandparents and whenever one would chose to start talking negative about the other, I would remind them to stop. Those were their issues, not mine and I would not drag me or my children into the reasons they couldn't get along. I love them both dearly but it's not my fault they hated each other.
Good Luck to you and Happy 1st birthday to your daughter.

I think you did the right thing by telling her to do what she felt but if she missed it, it would be no ones fault but her own.

If she does show up I think your husband should pull her a side and let her know that he is so glad she came but that she would need to be respectful of everyone or the party may be ruined. I don't think you should say anything because the pain is so deep there it would most likely make her defensive and take it out on you. Your husband should know how to talk to her better. Good luck!

I had the exact same problem when my first child turned 1. My husband and I discussed it and decided to talk to both of his parents and let them know that we were only having one party and everyone was invited and if they couldn't get along for at least a couple of hours for the birthday party, they didn't have to be there. Not only were they civil, i think they actually had a decent conversation with each other about their first grandchild.

Stick to your guns, S.. This party is about your daughter...not the in laws. You told her the right thing when you told her to do what she needed to do. If she makes any snide remarks or starts anything at the party, simply tell her that this party is about your daughter and not her and if she can't be civil for an hour or so, maybe she should leave because you are not going to let her ruin your daughter's party. Set the boundaries. It is your home, your daughter's party and she is an adult and should make efforts to be civil. Set the boundaries to her before the party. Let her know that you expect civil adult behavior from her. Mercy, I was in the delivery room with my husband's ex when our (their, that I raised during high school years) daughter had her baby. We managed to be congenial. It just takes effort.

I have been through it all. As a child, we had the same thing in our family, my dad's mom and dad divorced when he was 20. She married a young man, finally, he remarried. They both moved to a different state, the same state! Then, they conned my parents into moving near them! What a mistake. My entire life, I heard, who will we invite today, then we will have to have the other next week. Then when they came, the one couple talked about the other couple! This is how I would handle it for now. Tell them all, you are having a party, everyone is invited. That is it, if you want to add, things must be lovely or pleasant, but see what happens. If they come and spoil it, have them leave. You will never know until you try. If it is bad, don't invite them, ever again to a mass gathering. My group never got together, but we never had big parties either. Now, we have had a rift occur between 2 DIL, so I am back to square one. The most important thing you have to do in life for the children is to keep calm and have them enjoy. In the furure, give them a party with a few peers. Then have a family get-together with each. You can do one, and the grand that was not included can do the next weekend. It's lots of celebrations, and life is better with reasons to celebrate,rather than being miserable. Good luck. I just read the response about the open house- great idea!

Been in that position....my thoughts....

invite all of them and explain to all of them what you just said. Tell them up front that if their feelings start getting out of hand, to please politely excuse yourself and leave.

Let them wear their own problems. Focus your attention on yours.....your child and her party.

I am a nurse also and 60 yrs old.