Back to School Stress Relief?

I would start by asking her if there is anything in particular that is making her nervous. If she tells you, great. You can ask her more questions about it. If she says she doesn't know or she doesn't want to talk about it, ask her if there is anything you can do to help her. Can you help her organize her things or her bedroom so that she feels more prepared? Maybe she's the type who would rather be distracted, and she would appreciate going out for ice cream or going to a movie. If she's interested, having a get together with her friends is a great idea.

Let her tell you what would help her the most.

Middle school is tough. The girls become more interested in fashion and in some cases the 'cool' girls won't talk to them if they aren't wearing the right clothes or pretty bras and undies.
Is this her first year of middle school? In some areas the kids start middle school in 6th grade others in 7th. She may be nervous about having to change for gym. Some girls can be so mean, they will make fun of the girls who don't have the cute bras and matching undies. They will body shame the chubby or to thin girls, big boobs and little boobs etc.

I think maybe sitting down with her and talking about her concerns would be helpful. It may be something as simple as moving from classroom to classroom in the allotted time. I know my daughter got her period in the early part of her first year in middle school and was too embarrassed to ask to go to the restroom and ended up staining her jeans. Talk to her about all of this and assure her she will be able to talk to her female teachers and get a pass for the bathroom. We women understand.

This is a really great opportunity to teach her about healthy "coping" mechanisms. A stimulating gym workout, a brisk walk, good conversation, a fun magazine, a manicure, a light movie? As she heads into the years where less healthy coping mechanisms might rear their ugly heads (alcohol, nicotine, junk food, casual sex, etc - not to say that those are all bad all the time but bad to lean on them as stress relief).

How about a get together with all the school friends for a party or even just a pizza dinner? To reassure her that her pals will be with her and going to school with her

just the opportunity to talk it out will help a lot. the fact that you're listening is huge.

i think the best thing is not to tell her what to do, but ask her leading questions and help her suss it out herself. with specific anxieties it's very helpful to role-play, and give her the opportunity to test drive a variety of responses to stressful situations so she can learn which ones best suit her. sometimes it's humor, sometimes it's deadpan, and for some kids a snappy comeback works.

a little nervous excitement is a good thing. learning to tell the difference between anticipatory adrenaline and stress is also useful.

khairete
S.

I used to be worried about my schedule, which classes I'd be put in, and if I knew where my classes were, sometimes I'd worry I would not have enough time to get from class to class, if I'd have any friends or acquaintances in classes, thinking of the teacher and whether they were known to be tough or not and whether I'd like them, or things like worrying about tests. I'd say it is normal. Help her pick a cute outfit and a favorite thing of hers, like a treat, that may put a smile on her face and take the stress away on her first day. Maybe she is anxious rather than stressed. Anxiety isn't always necessarily a bad thing, she may be anxious to start school, see her friends, and see how much they have changed over the summer, meaning, she is somewhat excited for this new phase in life. Talk to her about what's on her mind and try to assess whether it's a positive feeling or a negative feeling, and what she would think would help, assuming it's a negative feeling.

I think it's great that she's so capable. I do think it's a mistake, however, to dismiss feelings (ever) by saying, "You have nothing to worry about." That just makes her think you don't know what is going on. Instead, I would say that's it is normal to be nervous in new situations.

It would be better to suggest to her that she has great coping skills, great abilities, and that these will win out. So, what's she worried about? Friends and a new school? Then remind her that she has made good friends and good choices in the past. Remind her that nervousness can make people more alert and more inclined to notice things - including possible solutions. Is she nervous about grades? Remind her that she has done well in the past, that no one has to get all A's ever (especially in 7th grade), and that no one grade ever was enough to make or break someone. Empower her to take on more responsibility to talk to her teachers, that they expect this as kids get older. They are, in general, there to help her. And if she should run across a jerk - well, okay. There are jerks in all walks of life. So she will learn how to navigate this, which will be a skill that will help her with difficult girlfriends, boyfriends, bosses, police officers, admissions counselors (fill in the blank).

I would remind her of past achievements in negotiating tough situations, and support her in digging deep and finding the resilience to stand up to whatever challenges come her way, next week and next year and in 10 years. One great expression: "How do you eat an elephant?" "One bite at a time." So she will, with every challenge, break it down into steps and tackle those steps one at a time. Another image is a cross-country road trip. Sometimes we make a wrong turn or miss an exit (opportunity). But we may find other discoveries/sights, and we learn not to miss that turn the next time. Maybe it takes an extra hour or an extra day, but eventually we get there.

Middle school is just terrible even for the best of kids. Has she seen her friends over the summer? How about a little back to school party that's set up like a spa day for her and her friends. Of an ice cream party just to touch base with each other before school actually starts.

I like the ideas below - especially asking if there is something in particular she is concerned about.

When my child was anxious and we got counseling for it - we were to ask "What's the worst that could happen?" and "What's likely to happen?" and come up with coping strategies. If it was the worst case - knowing what they could do to handle it was kind of helpful to go through. Then we realized - it likely wouldn't be the worst - and we thought of past situations like that, and how she'd handled it. She had always done just fine - but usually never escalated to that point.

Working through fears, and coming up with plans - really good way to lessen stress.

Then distraction - great idea.

Relaxation techniques - also great idea. How to calm down. So if she's worried at school - she can go to washroom, collect herself .. another part of plan. One of my kids did this. Had an off moment one day - and did that. Knowing that was an option was helpful.

In addition to all the great advice below, look up some mindfulness for teens sites. There are some great practices for destressing directed at this age group out there.

It's one of those things - the more you try to soothe it, the more attention you draw to it.
Instead - give her some chores to do.
Something that will exhaust her - you shoot for distraction and exhaustion.
Wash and vacuum your car, clean cars windows inside/outside, etc.

A last minute party with her friends from school - especially including ones she doesn't see much in the summer - to remind her how much fun it's going to be to see those kids again. Also, if your school has a back to school/meet the teachers evening in advance, be sure to go. We did that last night and my 7th grader went from being nervous to excited to go during the event. I'm sure it was the combination of seeing friends, finding out that some of them are in his classes, and meeting his new teachers and learning that some of them are really friendly/approachable.

(this is the 1st year of middle school for him, and it didn't help that he had people constantly asking him "Are you ready for the big middle school???" for the past 3 weeks. (side note to all - please don't psych kids out like this) Meeting those teachers and walking around the school to find that it's not so different was a huge help.)