I need some advice with my almost 5yr old son. He has been having difficulty in school. He is in PreK. He has problems keeping his hands to himself on occasion. He is a GREAT child but he has some impulse issues. He doesn't understand that he can't have everything he wants, when he wants. So today, he has an off day. He made a child cry because he put his finger in the child's face and yelled at him. Later, (rest time) he decides that he should be throwing his pillow around. Teacher called him on it. Since he didn't stop, she placed his pillow in his cubby. Well, he wasn't having it. (I see it all in head so well.) She went to help a child in the restroom, he went behind her back and took the pillow back. She came out. She told him that he couldn't have the pillow. If he was going to take the pillow with out permission, it would be placed into another room. He pitched a fit...he hit her in the stomach. :-( WTH! What was he thinking? Not, obviously... I am so disappointed. We teach him better than that. We have been seeing the school social worker to help him already. He loses privileges. What else can I do? Does anyone have any good suggestions? Experiences? I am so concerned...desperate.. I am failing him... He is so so good.... then he has these moments. If he was in Kinder he would have been expelled.. He's the eldest of 3 boys... What am I going to do?
Is he like this at home, or just school?
At five years old lashing out and physically hitting an adult is pretty serious. Does he behave like this with you and/or his father?
What does the social worker say? If his home life is calm and consistent in regards to rules and discipline then he may have some impulse control issues and I would keep trying to get him all the professional help/support you can.
Sigh... I feel for you M. and I completely understand. My son has gone through these same types of issues and now in 2nd grade we are having him evaluated for... something. ADD...?
Up until this point I've always just felt that my son was very active, excitable and yes, had some impulse control issues. He's also a really creative imaginative kid who is sweet and friendly, and has been described to me as a "leader." The impulse issues have consistently improved since he was 3, but the inability to keep his hands to himself, focus and make transitions continues to be an issue at school.
Your post really resonates with me... "he's so good... then he has these moments." Exacts word I have said about my son. I have monitored his sleep (which was an issue and made his behaviors worse), he doesn't eat sugar often, but when he does have it it has a very negative affect on his behavior, when he's getting sick his behavior worsens... and then there are times when it doesn't seem to have any pattern or rhyme or reason. And this is the reason we're having him evaluated. I don't want him labeled the "bad kid" or the "problem kid" for something he may not be able to help. If it's behavioral or just the fact that he's young, well, that's something else.
I can let you know what we find out... but mostly I wanted to let you know that I completely get where you are and what you're saying, and how you're feeling. You aren't a faliure, you just haven't figured out how to help your son. Make sure that you support him in the midst of all this. I think there's nothing worse than being a kid who is having trouble and feels like nobody believes in him. I always tell my son what I know to be his good points and his positive traits. He also knows what I expect and what I don't like about his behavior when it isn't good.
Is he like this at home? (I mean, obviously his personality is his personality, but are you able to control him?) If you're able to keep him under control at home, then there's no reason they can't keep him under control at school.
I have some experience here, because my youngest was a real challenge at that age. She has all the personality in the world, and will run all over anyone who allows it to happen. She was quite the firecracker in preschool. The teacher would complain to me constantly about how out-of-control my child was, and finally what I did was call a meeting between the teacher, the director, and me. What I told them was this:
1) I know what my kid is like, and I understand she is a handful.
2) We are able to keep her under control at home using these methods: (and then listed the methods my child responds well to)
3) Please do not complain to me about my child's misbehavior at school - it is without a doubt the teacher's responsibility to discipline my child while she is at school. I send my child to school well rested, clothed, and properly fed so she is able to meet the challenges of her day. Once I drop her off, I can't be expected to magically discipline my child from afar. The teacher needs to take responsibility for this.
4) If there are persistent issues that are not corrected by consistent and firm discipline at school, rest assured I will back up the teacher and will enforce whatever means necessary with my child at home to ensure her willing compliance with her teacher at school.
After that meeting, I went home and told my daughter this:
1) You will listen to your teacher, and you will do as she says.
2) If you choose not to listen to your teacher and I hear about it, you will go to bed 1 hour early for each infraction. A child who is unable to pay attention and behave must be tired, and must need more sleep.
But honestly, once the teacher was clear that I'm a huge proponent of discipline, that my child does not misbehave at home, and that I considered it the teacher's responsibility to make discipline consistent at school, there were ZERO problems.
Once in Kindergarten, my daughter came home with a "blue card," meaning she'd been disciplined at school. She was sent to bed an hour early that night, and we haven't had a problem since. (She's now in 2nd grade.)
Good luck!
Dear M.,
In NJ the parents can initiate an evaluation with your board of education's preschool child study team. We did that with my son and although it takes months, he now has an IEP which not only identifies the areas where he needs improvement, but also provides him with free services (so he will be included in regular class but will also have a shared aid and will have pull-out OT and other things that he needs to be ready for kindergarten). Although my son doesn't have exactly the same issues as yours, his behavior in pre-k was the tipping point for the evaluation. The preschool evaluation has 4 sections (if I'm remembering correctly): fine and gross motor, academic (pre-reading, numbers, memory, etc.), and social/behavioral. I am not at all sorry that I did this and I think the best part is that at the end of this year he will be evaluated again and perhaps bring the IEP with him to kindergarten (I think it's more difficult to get an IEP once they are in school because they are based on academics at that point, not behavior). Talk to the child study team at your town's board of education and they will advise you.
Good luck,
B.
At 5 years old, he should understand that he cannot do whatever he wants, that he must listen to adults, and hitting an adult is certainly NOT normal. I think that you need to get to what is causing this type of behavior. Is it only at school or in other areas of life? Perhaps it's time to consider further evaluation and something more in depth than visiting with the school social worker - something that I can tell you from working with first graders, that kids sometimes see as a reward. You are right that if he was in kindy, he'd be expelled for hitting a teacher or put in a self contained special ed room, so you need to get on this issue now. No matter how good he may at at certain times, this is a child with serious problem behaviors.
I'm sorry - I don't have any suggestions beyond perhaps talking to his ped again and maybe looking into some type of private therapy?
We have a very similar type of boy in my son's class. I know in our school the teachers are working really hard with him and his impulse control. He's a really bright kid - just has real trouble with touching/hitting. I believe he is also seeing a private therapist of some sort.
Sorry for what you're going through - my son was the "troublemaker" for part of last year and it really shook me up. Fortunately, he seemed to grow out of it.
Does he watch a lot of TV, computer games or films? I noticed that my children's behaviour (both boys) plummeted when they did. We held off on computer and TV for years. I think they were much more creative because they had time to discover other things. They also got along beautifully because they spent their time playing together. Just a thought.
I been having the same problem. I give him a pep talk every morning. He gets things removed like TV time and game time. This is all I can do. What the school want us to do beat. No thank you! Have to keep talking to them everyday. I even go as far as doing some of the things to him, to show him how it can hurt and how the other child feels. He gets it sometimes. Its a work in progess. Good Luck! :) Your not alone. :)
