I adopted my daughter thru CSD and have also been a CASA worker. CASA workers are volunteers. They are not attorneys, tho I suppose an attorney could volunteer. A CASA worker can be assigned when a case is going to court. I do not know the criteria for having a CASA worker. I suggest that you call their office.
Everything that you've written indicates to me that it's time to go to court. But only if you've been faithful in documenting these things. Have you kept a calendar or a "diary" listing these things in a neutral non-judgmental way? If you've kept track in writing but wrote down judgemental statements, rewrite it so that the facts speak for themselves.
Record phone calls and messages left. You do not have to tell him that you're doing this.
Keep a copy of all of his e-mails. When they're abusive do not respond. When you need to give an answer be matter of fact and keep a copy of your message. Do not respond to his anger. Sounds like he's pushing your "buttons." The best way to help yourself is to talk to him as seldom and as little as possible. Looks like you've already figured that out. :)
My grandson visits his father. He and my daughter get along fine. She sends him for the parenting time in play clothes. Usually he returns in the same clothes.
I suggest that you return the boys to their father in the same clothes he sent them back to you in.
It's so easy to work extra hard to be the responsible parent when dealing with the irresponsible one such as in your case. You should not be sure that your boys have the same responsible care with him that they have with you. Let him fail. Clothes is a part of that.
As for doctors' records, tell them the legal boundaries of your custody agreement, give them both your address and their fathers'. Don't put the doctor in the middle. Your ex has a legal right to medical information. If necessary give the office a copy of your custody agreement.
A part of your documentation should be whether or not he attends school events for parents, his boys' sports, that sort of thing. Be sure that the school has his name and address so that he can be notified of events. Either you or the coach send him game and practice schedules. Assume that he will do the "right" thing. Don't nag. Just write it down.
It sounds like you would qualify for Legal Aid Assistance but I can't say since I don't know your husband's income. I'm a retired police officer and I found that most of those attorneys are working for Legal Aid because they do care and want to help. If you don't like the first one that they assign to you, ask for a different one. But first, listen to the first one, accept that he will most likely not let you see his feelings about the situation. He will not be incensed. He will listen to you, look at your documentation, and tell you what the next step should be.
If your documentation is more emotional than factual he won't be able to help you as well as he could if you stuck just to the facts.
He will also be better able to help you if you can be less emotional when talking with him. Venting is for friends and people like us. Lawyers deal with facts.
I also don't understand the child support issue. My granddaughter's father was ordered to pay child support even tho he wasn't working. His reason for not working and not paying is that he was taking care of his ill mother. So he is now in arrears and is paying a small amount extra each month now that he is working.
It sounds like you share custody with him. If he has the boys half time and you have them half time there is no child support.
My daughter said that, in Oregon, she has received assistance in collecting child support from the Oregon Attorney General's Child Support Office. Perhaps WN has a similar office. The forms that both parents fill out asks for all income including the sort your ex is receiving. Are you sure that he's being honest?
It's difficult for me to give more specific advice without actually reading the court order(s). Perhaps the way that the order is written prevents your attorney from going to court to change it. Ask her for specifics regarding reducing parenting time. Your message indicates to me who has had a lot of experience with this issue that changing custody arrangements has the possibility of winning in court. But only if you've kept a date specific chronological record of events that also includes a brief description of what happened.
Also document anything he does right. There should be a time on the calendar for every time that he picks them up.
What counts more than the times he picks them up or drops them off is what kind of care they receive while they're with him. Does he give them nutritious meals. Do they have a regular bed time? What activities do they have.
Describe the boys' demeanor and attitude during the time they're with you and when they come back. CSD was able to have my foster daughter's visits with her mother changed to supervised visits because I was able to tell them how upset that they made her, including what her birth mother said and did. You don't need to ask a whole lot of questions of your sons. Mostly listen and write it down. You can ask some questions in a casual way, such as what did they have for dinner, what did they do for fun, etc.
If you don't qualify for Legal Aid assistance, yes, you have to pay the attorney. I've not met any attorney who would do pro bono work in a custody case. An attorney is a professional just like a doctor. An attorney has living expenses just as we do. Winning in court requires quite a bit of work. The attorney will investigate and add documentation to your documentation. (S)he spends time preparing for the court hearing and then spends time in the court. They pay for their office staff that includes an assistant and an investigator at the least.
A young and inexperienced attorney will charge less which may in the long run cost you more. Ask about their experience and interests in what aspects of law. Interview the attorney as you would if you were hiring for any other job. Many attorneys do not charge for the first visit of 30 minutes or so. Ask about this when you make an appointment. Prepare a very short version of your concerns and a list of questions.
Most of all I would continue taking my boys to counseling. As you know this situation is extremely stressful for them. They may not want to go but you take them anyway. Stay with them during the session if that will help. I think family counseling would help all of you. As another mother said, it will take time for your boys to feel comfortable with a counselor. It takes time to build trust.
After a period of time with your sons the counselor will be a good witness in court. So, it's important to ask them if they would be willing to go to court if that is needed.
Finally, no one can make you miserable without your permission. Finding a way to change how you feel and respond is difficult but it's possible. Try to separate the custody issue from the rest of your life. Know that custody issues take a long time to resolve, focus on what you want at the end, find out what steps you need to take to reach that goal, and then here's the really difficult part, let it go. Put this in it's own "box" only thinking about it when it's time to actually do something about it.
I wish you well. I think the system needs to be changed. Perhaps one day it will be changed. In the meantime we have to work with what we have without letting it put us under.
