I'm worried that my girls (3.5 yrs and almost 5 yr olds) may be picking up 'bad' behaviour from their cousin. Their cousin is 8 yrs old. She acts almost like a bratty teenager. She told my girls that Santa isn't real. She purposely threw a toy she knew would upset my daughter into an area that they couldn't get to. We were walking together to a store and my daughter asked her to slow down and wait for her. She started running away. She blames my older daughter saying that it was her idea when they both get into trouble. It's usually things that my almost 5 year old wouldn't think of doing. I've heard my oldest talking to her little sister and sounding like her cousin. Example, 'i'm prettier than you.' or 'That just isn't going to happen!' I could go on and on. I know my kids are not angels, but my niece seems to be a real menace. I do discipline my niece the same I would my girls, but it doesn't change anything. The Santa thing I just told her that wasn't nice to say and we don't say not nice things. My husband wants minimize contact as much as possible. This is my sister's daughter and she and her husband are very weak (poor with discipline or ineffective discipline) when it comes to their own child.
Don't bring her places unless HER Mom goes along with you guys. I'll bet she doesn't act so bratty in front of Mom.
That's a tough one.
Have you laid out the rules with her? If she's not been disciplined properly in her own home, she may just not know her behavior is unacceptable.
I would use stronger language than 'that isn't nice'.
The next time she comes over, take her aside and say, "In this house we are considerate of other people. We speak to people kindly. We don't deliberately upset people. We are respectful, and kind to each other.
I am giving you one chance to behave yourself today. If you disobey these rules, I will take you home, no second chances."
During the course of the day, I would reiterate the rules with lots of over-the-top positive reinforcement. "Thank you so much for holding the door for your cousin, niece. That's the sort of respect we show each other in our family."
But if she deliberately does something unkind or thoughtless, take her straight home.
I have a similar problem. My nephew is younger than my two girls but huge. He is just 3 but 40+ pounds. He was always hitting my girls adn the parents did nothing. I started to discipline him because my kids were getting hit all the time. It is hard when parents don't discipline them. The parents will regret it in the end. Their kid is the bratt! It is hard to minimize contact, it is your sister. Maybe talk to her about her daughter but careful it is still HER daugher.
M. - SAHM and WAHM and loving it!
Hi L.,
This is a tough situation and I truly don't know how to advise you as to your niece, sister, and brother-in-law.
One thing I do advise is talking to your daughters. You might say that older kids might seem cool when they act mean, but it's not cool at all. You could say that one of the things you love most about them is that they are kind and loving, and you always want them to be so, and not to immitate kids that aren't kind and loving, no matter who they are.
One thing my parents inculcated in our family is always to look out for one another, family sticks together. You could say that too. Say "You're sisters, sisters stick together no matter what. You're never mean to your sister." Obviously there will be times that they will be mean and argue but you're trying to get them to internalize that and act accordingly. When their cousin is around you could say the same thing. "You're cousins, family sticks together. You're never mean to your family." See if it works... You never know?
Good luck.
I am in the same boat- I have 2 daughters ages 4.5 and 3 who are in love with their older (6.5 yo) cousin. She is very mean to them- mainly jealous of them and do all the same type of behaviors that you listed your niece doing. We have the same problem with lack of discipline/different rules for our niece. It makes getting together with the other family very difficult- particularly when mean behavior is exhibited towards our kids in front of her parents (if they don't discipline her we can't). What we have found is that we limit the time we spend together as a family and when all are together, we make sure the girls are supervised by one of us. We have found that it is a bit easier when we have her on our turf without our brother&sister in law because then she has to listen to us and follow our rules. We also give her more of a supervisory role and she seems to behave more kindly in that role. The good news is that this behavior has changed over time and we are able to enjoy more time with her (and parents). My husband did have a discussion with his brother about these issues and that has helped out a lot. His brother will prep the niece before we come over and talk about activities they can all enjoy together and now will reprimand her when she does something mean to the girls. So my advice is to 1) talk with your sister about these behaviors 2) talk with your niece about how her behaviors effect you and your girls 3) try changing her role to a more supervisory one next time you have an outing together, see if that helps. If nothing works take a break from your niece!
Good luck!
Hi L.,
I would absolutely talk with your sister! You can let her know that your girls will not be spending much time time with her daughter if she continues to be such a bad influence. I understand the situation, friends can be easier to avoid than family, but you shouldn't let this kind of bad influence affect your children. It's not fair to you kids and it's not fair to you and your husband. I would most definitely limit the exposure to your niece until your sister and her husband let your niece know what is appropriate behavior around your girls.
Hope this helps,
E. K.
I really feel your pain here.
We see my niece a handful of times a year and that's enough. It takes us a long time to get our daughter back to herself...baby talk, acting like her cousin, speaking like her. It drives both of us crazy as her parents yet my family have nothing nice to say about either of my children. It's been a problem for us for a long time. We do limit the contact as much as possible. Although this time of year is harder than most.
I would explain to the older daughter that when her cousin does something mean to her, like through the toy, it hurts her feelings. So when she behaves like that with her sister, how does she think its effecting their relationship. When you have the niece I would keep a very tight leash on her. I used to babysit mine and it took a while but when she was here, she was much better than she was for Mom & Dad. And much better than she is now. If you want to keep them seeing eachother my ideas would be to clench tighter on the disapline rope when she's there and keep re-enforcing it with your girls at home. Hopefully, they'll be the ones telling her how things go around your house.
L.,
You need to set down the rules in your house, it seems you have. Now your niece needs to follow them or she needs to go home. Make your sister aware of what the rules are. You can explain it in a way that will offend her, maybe get her on board. Tell her you think things are getting out of hand with all the girls together and they need to treat each other with respect, if they do not listen they wont be able to play together that day. The Santa think was mean spirited. She may be jealous of the girls. I wish you luck and stand by your rules and things will be just fine.
D.
We have the same situation in our family. In addition to the other great advice listed, I would say talk to your daughters about their cousin's behavior. Of course sticking to your own rules will show your daughters that you value the rules your family has set up. But if you also have conversations with your daughters about the cousin making bad choices and WHY they are bad choices, your children will see that 1.) "this is not the way we choose to behave in our family" and 2.)"I don't have to behave the way my cousin does."
I'm not suggesting trash talking your niece - there are lots of ways to point out her bad behavior without demonizing her. We say things like, "I'm sure glad you don't treat your sister that way." (even if it's not totally true - it reminds them of the times they do have the right behavior) or "I wonder why he would say something mean to someone he loves?" or "He must be having a bad day - let's show him the way we like to play together, and maybe he'll want to join us in a nicer way." (even when every day is a bad day and he probably won't be able to play nicely - then we just shrug our shoulders and say, "oh well- maybe the next time, and I'm sure glad we don't act that way. . .")
Good luck - it is frustrating but you do have the opportunity to show your daughters that they choose how they behave and to stand up for themselves.
I like your husband's thinking. Why should you and your family suffer because your sister and her husband are weak with discipline? Your children's best interest should come first. I fully understand that you love your niece and you are trying to make a difference, but how much difference can you make when her own parents aren't making one? I wish you the best of luck and remember that your daughters are at an impressionable age, especially the older one. It sounds like her cousin is already making quite a BIG impression.
