Bad Influences Versus No Friends? What Do I Do for My Middle-school Son?

ha! that's the age i finally caved to homeschooling. not because my kid was hanging with ruffians necessarily (i suspect he was) but because middle school wasn't providing a sufficient educationally rich environment, and a worrisomely narrow social demographic.
but i know that doesn't work for most folks.
you can't prevent him from running with scoundrels while he's in school. and a drop in grades is lamentable, but not necessarily a long-term issue, and it's certainly common.
but you CAN lower the boom when it comes to how he speaks in the home and around his family. don't permit ugly language or lazy syntax or nasty words or whatever it is that cause you to worry about his 'speech patterns.' just don't. swift and dire consequences for getting in trouble at school. no opportunities to mingle with these new 'friends' outside of school. lots of activities, and chances to reconnect with elementary school or other old friends who weren't as nasty. might be time to get him volunteering.
bad influences are worse than no friends. but that's not really the only choice. it takes work, but help him find better friends, and make the bad influences so costly that he thinks twice about them.
khairete
S.

It's not quite clear from the post -- Does he see these boys outside school AND in school as well? You mention that you don't want him sitting alone in his room, which I take to mean that he spends time with this group outside school. You can handle that one swiftly and firmly: You control his time when he's not in school. He needs extracurricular activities that interest him and where he will meet other kids who are going to share his interests. If there aren't clubs at school that interest him, go through the class catalog for your local parks and recreation department, or wherever there are supervised, organized teen activities for his age. If he likes computer games, get him into a computer game programming course for teens (these do exist). For certain non-computer games now popular with some teens, there are playing sessions at libraries in our area. You will need to be very proactive and will need to involve him in making choices he really likes and wants, but he truly needs to be occupied. Homework, activity, back home, more homework or family time--that's plenty for a middle school kid. And getting into some solid activities with adults who are good role models, and other kids who are interested in the activity and don't want to goof around but want to be DOING the activity, is positive.

If he is connecting with this group of boys on social media, do you monitor his accounts? You should. Be sure you know what accounts he has and all passwords, and beware -- he could have hidden accounts you don't know about, frankly. If you've never before been clear with him that you have the power to monitor his phone (if he has one), tell him that now. Don't do a big dance about how "this is so you won't communicate with those boys" but just start checking his calls, texts, Instagram if he's there, etc., daily, and in a very matter-of-fact way.

In school it's harder for you to control, but I would meet with the teacher who gave him detention. Go alone, without your son. Talk with the teacher about what he or she is seeing and give the teacher your full backing for this detention and any other steps the teacher needs to take. Don't give the impression that you want the detention undone--I'd support it instead. I would ask the teachers who have these boys and your son in classes together, to ensure that your son not be seated near these kids (many classes change seats every quarter anyway so that's a natural break for your son to be moved without anyone thinking it's weird). Ask that he never be allowed to do group projects with them--some teachers assign groups, and if that's the case, be clear that he should not be assigned to work with these boys, and if the teacher says "I let kids choose their own groups," I'd still say, "I'm asking that he not work with these kids."

In our MS there was one vice principal for each grade and those vice principals tended to be the administrators, other than counselors, who really knew the kids in that grade pretty well. I know some parents said the vice principal was the one to put on alert that a kid was having issues or that kids were being a problem. If your school has someone like that, use that resource.

You might want to see the school counselor yourself to ask about this kind of situation and get ideas for what to say to your son and other tactics for persuading him to separate from this group. The counselors know this age group really well and will have insights for parents!

One caution. A parent banning a friend makes that friend into forbidden fruit -- and as the saying goes, forbidden fruit is the sweetest. These boys might be more attractive as friends if you rail against them to him, or insist that they're changing him for the worse (even though it's true). Be cool and collected, don't badmouth these boys in detail, but be clear that this detention really got your attention. Then move on and get him into activities outside school. And stay in touch with teachers inside school.

As for the worry that "he will have few, if any friends" -- like B says below, no friends are better than bad ones. Activities can help him find new friends, or at the very least, keep him from hanging out with bad ones.

I agree with the moms who say no friends is better than bad ones. Except you can't expect him to drop them all in one go. That's too extreme and he will obviously not cooperate.

I have told my oldest his bad attitude friends were not welcome here. Not seeing them outside of school really helped. And another one of our kids was getting in trouble with another boy at school, and we intervened. Kids separated at school, and no longer to hang out outside of school. We were getting calls from the school too. Honestly, my son found it a relief. It was like he was trying out bad behavior and the peer pressure was new to him, and he was thankful we took charge. Around same age as yours.

We were just really honest with our kids. Said we weren't impressed by new behavior and talked about peer pressure. Had the talk about true friends accept you for who you are so if you're not being yourself, you won't attract true friends .. etc. Cutting off the hanging outside of school was the thing that worked for us. Our kids quickly called up other friends (even if you don't think your son has any others, he likely will just gravitate to other kids if you restrict his contact with these bad influence ones).

I found our kids were relieved. At first, resentful - yes. But we made it more about being supportive of their good choices that reflected their best sides (keeping busy with activities, supporting new more positive relationships, etc.). It takes time, but that's what worked for us. Of course we still run into it from time to time. Only time I intervene in friendships. You can't control what happens in school - but maybe can with seating, pairing up for assignments, etc. with teacher's involvement, especially if you're getting calls. But you can outside of school. You will be the bad guy though :) It's not easy.

Good luck and keep us posted. I still find it challenging ..

I would keep him so busy he doesn't have time for these friends. Tell him he must sign up for after school activities too.

Brilliant words from Mel R. Read that through at least 2 more times.

For good kids who are going to get in trouble, middle school is a good time for it. The grades dropping don't really matter long term, and there's plenty of time to turn things around. So - and I know that this is hard to hear - let him fail! Let him get in trouble, let him stay for detention, and don't bail him out or pity him or go to bat for him. Let the school discipline him for bad behavior. You cannot control what goes on in school, so I'm not sure what you mean about "preventing him from being around them." It's not your call in school. And he's plenty old enough to talk to teachers and work out his own problems. Drop an email to the teacher giving her/him your full support to take whatever actions are necessary. To your son, you say that the teachers make the rules for the class, and he's perfectly capable of talking to the teacher without you. It's up to him to work out a deal - a compromise, an apology, whatever is needed. Don't demand that he apologize, because that will backfire on you. But DO abdicate a bit.

What do you mean his speech patterns have changed? Is he swearing a lot? Using "gang" type speech? That's under his control and he seems to feel he's "grown up" enough to defy the teacher's standards (in language and in other things), so he's grown up enough to deal with it.

I think you can ask for additional info from the teacher, either by email or by conference, but that's only to help you know better what's being done.

What I completely disagree with is the idea that he will sit in his room alone playing video games. That's where you have control over him, Mama. Kids whose grades drop and who defy teachers by fooling around aren't rewarded with electronics. If you have expectations about grades (or, I hope, more about effort than actual grades), then he needs to meet those before he gets privileges. If he's mouthing off (not sure if he is), then he can do chores until he respects the work that adults are putting in around him (running the home, doing lesson plans that he's disrupting, etc.). He doesn't get screen time (unless it's entirely supervised at the kitchen table under your nose, to work on the homework that's suffering) and he doesn't get video games. While you shouldn't forbid him from seeing certain friends, you can certainly curtail his visits with ALL friends until his work is done to your satisfaction.

Just don't give in because you pity him and feel he should be with any friends at all, even terrible ones, rather than be alone. Emphasize that this is his CHOICE to act this way, study this way, speak this way. Decide where you can be flexible and allow him some decision making, and where you aren't going to budge on your basic standards and requirements. And he's more than capable of having friendships by being a better person.

Remember also that how you deal with him (vs. letting him run you around) will also serve as a model for the other kids. It will go easier with them if they see that Mom means business.

Personally - I think no friends is better than bad friends.
You have a window when you can steer him.
After a certain age - you lose that control - and he'll see who ever he wants to hang out with.

For right now - keep him busy so he has no time for these friends.
Sign him up for taekwondo, swim class, sports, etc.
Basically he has homework time and activity time - and he sleeps and does chores - he has no time for anything else.
Run him ragged.
Hopefully this will give him an opportunity to mature a bit before high school.
It might not work - but it's worth a shot.

Middle school is a TOUGH time. Even my straight A, youth leader son was lost at that time. Hang in there Mama!!

Is it possible that he doesn't want to be particularly close with these boys, but is perhaps being influenced, or threatened, or bullied? It is possible that he simply doesn't know how to say no (especially since you say he hasn't been in trouble before)? Is it possible that he has mistakenly assumed that this is what middle school is like? Do you feel able to speak with him about what's been going on, not to forbid any interaction, but simply to discuss the changes that you've observed?

Since his grades have dropped, and apparently his attitude is unacceptable, there will have to be logical consequences. Lower grades and poor school performance mean less social free-time. What used to be his favorite tv show is now homework time. "Gee, Maximus, since your math grades have dropped 10 points, and you're in danger of failing English, you no longer have wi-fi or tv privileges" or "too bad, we were going to go to see the new Star Wars movie but that's a privilege, not a right, and any more detentions or failed tests or lower grades mean that you won't be seeing that movie. You'll be doing extra work for extra credit." Work with the teachers to drive home the point that detentions are not "cool" but affect reputations, school privileges, and go on permanent records. Help your son to think ahead to what kind of future he wants to have.

You might ask a guidance counselor to speak to him. Once, in middle school, my daughter got in trouble in the cafeteria, which really surprised me, but it turned out that a bigger boy was threatening her and she was terrified, and she basically did what he told her to. A guidance counselor quietly observed the lunch problems and quickly figured it out. He put a stop to the boy's actions, and gave my daughter some tools so that she could speak up for herself. She still had to serve her detention, but the guidance counselor slightly reduced her detention time, which we agreed would be fair.

And definitely, cancel all the social media. No smart phones. No apps (there are tricky ones, disguised as calculators and calendars), no internet time at all until a certain period of time has gone by with only excellent reports from school and significantly raised grades.

So why isn't he hanging with his old group of friends? Did he change and they don't want to be around him anymore? If he changed maybe these kids are the friends the new him wants to hang out with.

I guess I have issues with the idea that a group of kids can somehow control a near teen and make him change everything about himself. That is usually something the child them self does and the change in friends is just an outward sign.

If you look at the symptom and not the cause you will get nowhere

No friends is better than bad ones, which aren't really friends at all. Remember, these kids will come and go (at some point). And certainly his only choices aren't bad influences or sitting alone with games. Allowing too much of the games will present Big problems in and of themselves, like it can easily lead to addiction and scrambles the brain waves and much more. Let him know your standards and that you and your family live up to these standards to the best of your abilities whether other people have them or not. Let him know that you wonder if the other boys have parents that aren't too happy with their behavior.

This is a very tricky stage and it's only begun and much has to do with the foundation you've already laid. Be sure he knows you love him and care about him and what he thinks and does and therefore must do what you must do as such. You will have to be very watchful and creative. He needs an active channel that is healthy that he can dedicate himself to fully, perhaps martial arts, fencing, swimming, acting, the arts, something that is challenging and yet doable.

Children of this age is very vulnerable to such and it's huge especially in today's world. It is amazing how much a person can change from the influences of others. He is at a time when he is in great need of belonging and knowing he has a place with his social peers. Recognize this and help him channel it. What role does his father play in this? The father's part is huge at this time of life. He needs a positive and wise role model, this cannot be understated. He needs to see the beauty of this, the strength of this. He needs to be able to work with a man that teaches him to be a man, so to speak, not by bringing this to his attention so much as by simply being there and directing him through activity such as wood working, camping, etc., by connecting with him and honing into specific and directed useful activity. He's at an age when he needs to hone in on a very specific learning process to become proficient and it's not games. They need a man to guide them and they need someone that is an expert at what he does. Think about the fact that boys need a kind of brotherly group to grow, they need initiation into points of growth, into manhood, if they don't have this in a positive way, they will in a negative way. It's imperative for them to have a man to connect with. Only a man can do this for the most part. This is just life, it's archetypical. This is just the beginning of this change, so do something wise and useful now. Pray about this, let yourself be guided and open your mind to other and better solutions. Search and gain knowledge about what's important for raising a son. There's a book called Raising a Son. Look into archetypical phases and such.

Sending all good thoughts for the very best for you and your boy.

It's near the end of the semester. Can you make an appointment with his guidance counselor and sit down and discuss this with him/her? Perhaps your son's class schedule for next semester can be adjusted so that he doesn't have classes with these same kids (or the same lunch period)...
Middle school is tough for most kids. The don't necessarily get grouped with kids they know. And making new friends is hard. Especially in middle school.

Talk to guidance and see if they can help. At our middle school, kids who excel academically tend to be placed on the same track with the same classes/teachers. The rest of the kids are split up wherever else. There are more "normal" classes than there are "gifted" or "pre-AP"... and they tend to contain more trouble makers than the more academically challenged groups of kids/classes.

Talk to guidance. If he doesn't share classes/lunch with those kids, he probably won't have much contact (if any) with them at school. And once that goes away, social contact with disappear quickly after at this age.