Beautiful 4 Year Old with New Severe Tantrums!

I believe by you being the parent you have to think a little harder and get this boy under control, you have to be firm and you have to mean what you say when you discipline. I have a 4 yr old and sometimes things can be hard but at the end of the day we have to be consistent with the punishing, explain to them what they've done wrong then go from there. Good Luck.

Sounds like more than one thing is going on here. One thing I'd suggest is that you read a good book on raising boys. Dr. James Dobson has one but I can't remember the name. I agree that this exposure to violence is bad but preschoolers have great imaginations and boys tend to like action & power. You might try to steer him to books, videos etc. of your choice that have action. My daughter got her boys interested in the rescue heroes action figures - very cool! I bought them some at Toys R Us for Christmas. Perhaps in kindergarten you can spot a boy or two who would make appropriate playmates and do some play dates. Get to know the other moms and see if you can find at least one family whose values are similar to yours. Your son may be doing a little preparation for separating a bit from you in the fall too. Do what you can with his dad, but you may not win the battle of what happens at that house. You can only do what you can do with the other parent.

I think there is definitely a connection. We saw it with our 4 year old son as well, from just online games that involved shooting and hitting. He can no longer play those games on the computer and since we don't allow it anymore, his behavior has gotten better.
Have a talk with his dad and let him know how it's affecting him and probably his 11 year old as well. It's so important. That is how these boys become desensitized. It's been proven. Do you have time to put him in some sort of physical class, like gymnastics or karate? Hopefully that will get rid of some aggressive energy and teach discipline and respect in the meantime. But he needs the rule of no violent video games, even if you have to buy some that would replace them. There are a lot out there rated E for everyone. My son plays with his leapster and I'm thinking about getting them a DS. He LOVES playing on the computer and there are so many innocent games out there. Good luck. It's good yo took notice and made the correlation.

C.,

I believe that too much video games are as bad as too much tv, especially the violent programs.

Your son may just be trying out a new way of expressing himself, but may be taking his ideas from these violent games. You need to make sure he understands that this behavior is not appropriate. You may need to start taking away privileges, toys, or planned outings until he learns that he cannot lash out in your house. You will also need to show him what is an appropriate way to express his frustration and anger.

You should also talk with his father, and you may want to talk with the 11-year-old's mother as well and see how the older child expresses himself and how she feels about it.

Sit down and talk with your ex- when you are both calm, don't accuse him of bad parenting, but talk about the changes you have seen in your little boy. Express your concern that these changes have come about because of the video games. Ask him if he has noticed the same changes when your son is with him. If your ex doubts that the video games are causing the behavior then ask him if he is willing to try an experiment; no video games for a month and see if your son's behavior starts to shift back to his normal patterns.

If your ex refuses to work with you, then I think it may be time to speak with someone who can help you change the visitation rules. Explain your problems, document every incident your son has gone through (maybe even with video tape). Keep a calendar and track his behavior; does it change right after he is with his father and get better after he's been with you a while? These are all things the court will need to know and you will have to prove your case completely if this is the route you choose.

I don't know if you can call child protective services or if you have to go through the legal system, but I would look into all your options, talk with your lawyer and discuss the pros and cons of each option.

Good luck!

Oh, one more thing, you might want to look into a counselor for your son. He might need to talk with someone right now, and the counselor also may be able to suggest other ways to help control your little boy's behavior.

Hi C.,

I agree with the others on all of their points, and that you need to talk to dad and tell him of the changes. If he doesn't get on board, you may have to explore other day care options until school starts. You are only talking about a month and a half, so financially it wouldn't be a burden forever, and perhaps you could find a way to swing it. I think you are right about the behavior and the video games, but it could also be the exposure to the behavior of the 11 year old.. It sound like there is a conflict in ways of parenting with the 11 year old's Mom, you, and your 4 year old's dad, and that can get very sticky. Aproach it on your own, and if your son is still having outbursts, I suggest professional counselling to figure out how to deal with the others that will end up in a positive way for your son. Good luck!

I'm sure there's a connection to the games, and I wonder just how much he's playing them, or watching his brother (Thats just as bad & maybe worse because the older one is getting much further along in the games) Very early on I had to set limits on my boys video time for very similar reasons, and they were older than your son. Is dad at all willing to compromise his house rules to separate the younger while games are played. Does he see this bedtime problem, too? Many men seem to have the notion that a little violence is okay. But if there is new bad behavior, then maybe he would agree to try removing them "just to see" if there's an improvement. I would talk to 4 year old, too, when he's not in a tantrum, but when one is fresh in his mind, and say "I see that your getting more angry lately at bedtime. You've also been seeing/playing violent video games. I think the feelings you get when you play come back when you're tired and it changes your behavior. If that continues, you have to stop playing/seeing them" He's young to actually be able to control it, but not too young to have the connection pointed out to him. So, with all that, if he's acting out all the time, even when he hasn't seen the games in a week or so, the connection is less direct, and he may be just going through a "terrible 4". My kids are demons when they're tired, and their sleep needs have changed over the years. I still don't allow caffeine after 2pm. In the same way I'd make a connection with him about bedtime and enroll him into getting into bed sooner. My kids read before bed. It started with me reading to them and then they switched to independent. Its their alone time. I know its hard to say goodnight early when you work and it takes time away from togetherness, but if this is new bedtime behavior you might explore sleep as well as the game angle. Good luck! BTW Are they allowing him to watch what they are on TV? That can be pretty awful, too!

I think the change of the dad watching your son has a lot to do with his behavior change. I think the video games are just adding to it by showing him a violent and angry way to deal with emotions.

Talk to the dad and see if you can find a compromise. Maybe you could find an educational video game that is appropriate for a 4 year old. There are a lot of games out there that teach ABC's and numbers for example. I think the 11 year old will rebel quite a bit if you demand all video games be taken out of the picture when your son is there. The 11 year old may even enjoy helping your son with the educational games. I have witnessed this with my older niece and nephew when they are interacting with my 4 year old when she is playing her games.

I think having a talk with your son about how he is feeling about you working. Maybe part of it is that he now spends a lot less time with the person who has been his everything for most of his life. Remember children act up with those they love the most because they know that you will still love them even if they are bad.

Try having special nights frequently where he is the center of attention. Let him choose what is for dinner, play his favorite game, watch his favorite disney movie etc. That way he'll feel like he is still the center of your universe.

Hope this helps. I too am a single mom of a 4-year old so I know what you are going through. Hang in there and good luck.

Time to re evaluate the visitations. I'd talk with your friend of the court or legal counsel. Ex dad is not doing a good job of parenting if that's all the 11 yo does. And that it's affecting the 4 yo. Talk with the ex dad too when it's time for him to fetch the 11yo. It has to stop.

Just one other thing to consider... Is he happy at his fathers? I agree that violent games aren't good for anyone especially young boys but if this change (his father watching him) was recent and he was with you all the time before that, then he may be rebelling the change. Kids like things to stay the same and predictable.

I would have a heart to heart with him. In language he would understand of course, ask if he is happy there and explain why he needs to be there now... ie, Mom has to work so we can live in this house...

It may just be the games but I would definately want to rule out the acting out because of not being happy.

I know it can be tough being a working mom but is he getting enough alone time with you now? Some times negative behaviors start because they know you will always respond if they are doing something wrong. And as moms we tend to just leave them be when they are being good so we can get things done too. I know I'm working on giving more positive praise to my 4yo son and I'm having a hard time remembering to catch him doing good.

Good Luck and God Bless
K.

I would SAY NO to the video games, they could be sure the cause of the violent outbreaks in his behavior. Little ones' brains are like sponges and computers...bad things in = bad things out. If your ex has any concern for his well being, he should agree to banning the games when your little one is having his time at his house. Why does he allow his 11 year old to play these games, let alone a 4 year old?? There is enough violence in the real world. Those games just diminsh the reality of what is really going on on the game. Since he has been with his dad more often, has this behavior increased? Just the fact he has been going back and forth more frequently house to house could add to his bad behavior also. Ask your ex how his behavior is at his house. Does he have the same outbursts? Between the new cartaking arrangements and the video games he could be acting out his own frustrations about his own wowrld. I would ask the ex not to allow the games, keep your son on a good routine and love on him ALOT. Good luck.

Have you given him a whooping yet?

It sounds like a couple of things are going on that have upset his balance.

One major suggestion I would have is to put him to bed when he's tired. If that's when most of the difficulty arises, institute a rigid bedtime schedule. Most behavior problems can be attributed in part to insufficient sleep.

I agree with the other posters, too, about trying to limit his video time. 4-year-olds need active play, not screen time to expend their energy. Can you talk to his dad about this? If you can't get on the same page, I would explore other options for daycare until kindergarten starts.

Of course, keep on showing your love. Do some special things with him. Make a fort in the living room. Eat dinner on the floor or outside. Talk to him every night about his day & his feelings.

Best of luck! You sound like a great mom!!

I have to respectfully disagree with most of the responses you've gotten so far. People are quick to blame video games, or TV, or movies, or a child's peers for his bad behaviour. But I think the sole responsibility of how our children are raised and what type of people they become, lies with us, the parents. Who is your child's role model? You? Or is it the Hulk? He was not raised by The Hulk for the past 4 years so I doubt that The Hulk can be blamed for his actions and reactions. You may not want to admit it, but our childrens actions and responses to situations mirror those that we model for them. Are you quick to get angry? Do you react badly when things don't go your way? Do you have "adult tantrums" where you scream, swear, throw things, and slam doors in your childs presence? Are you impatient and short tempered? Do you have a hard time sticking to what you say or making decisions? Chances are C., you do. Before you look for outside influences to explain these tantrums, you should look at yourself, because children really are just miniature versions of ourselves. So, when we look at the children we've raised, we are pretty much looking at a reflection of ourselves. If we don't like what we see, it's up to us, as parents and role models, to model the behaviours we would like to see reflected back.