Becoming the "Step" Mom...

Oh J. -- I've been where you are. I just hope you will thoughtfully consider carefully what you are doing better than I did. Things before we married were a "little difficult" probably like what you are going thru. The ex got 100 times meaner, demanding and after every cent we made. We went in and out of court time after time. A good, loving, caring man giving his kids everything he could. She was completely out to ruin us financially and our marriage. She got the kids against us and it became all-out war. Face it girl, the kids are going to think and believe whatever she pumps into their heads - she is their mom and if she has custody she has a lot more time to fill their heads. In our case, everything that went wrong in the kids lives was turned by her to be our fault. It made my life MISERABLE. I tried, I loved, I cooked, bought goodies, made treats and I was the villian no matter what I did. They are adults now and hate me anyway. There is a wall up that I fear will never come down.

Just for your own sake - WAIT!!! You are only 25. Give it a year and decide if things get harder (I promise you they will!) do you want to have that in your life? I am sure he is a great guy (mine is) - but do you want this struggle and lack of peace to be what your life is about? It took away a lot of happiness in my life. I am peace loving and want to get along with everyone and it made me miserable.

The kids are grown and our lives are a lot better without her having a legal hold on our finances making obsurd and unreasonable demands, which makes it a lot better, but there is still no loving and united family.

Think it thru carefully and decide if you are willing to take this on for years and years. Those kids are young. You will have until they are 23 if they go to college (and you guys will get to foot most of the bill if they do!!) Believe me, after she gets him for more than he can afford, you will be working just to make ends meet in your house. You will eat peanut butter and jelly and watch network tv while they have $200 tennis shoes, leather jackets and full-selection cable tv.... screaming how much they hate you!! Just my experience... give it serious thought!!!

I became a step mom to my husbands 3 kids when they were 10,11, and 3 and I wanted to meet the kids since there was a visitation agreement for them. Anyway my husbands ex was an active pain in the butt from day one and never talked to my husband she always talked through the kids but with limited information, we lived in different states miles apart so saw the kids like once a year if that. She also bad mouthed my husband all the time, I stopped my husband from bad mouthing her in front of the kids, my feeling is a kid can hate his parents but gets very defensive if someone else says anything negative and that is their parents and you loved them for a while so they can't be all bad even if the end of your relationship was. My point in all of this is that you are going to have to deal with the ex at least until the kids are 18 maybe longer and if you have kids of your own someday the feelings for them are different then for your step kids, especially if they have made it hard to like them. My husband tried to say I could not discipline his kids and I told them and him that I am an adult in the house and will be respected for that and that most of the stuff they are using came from me since he had lost most of his belongings in the divorce, I was not going to be walked all over by a kid. He also tried to spend a ton of money, which we didn't have, on them when they came to visit and I told him that spending time playing, hiking, swiming, going to the park would go alot further then any toy we could give. He also wanted to be their friend but I told him to be a father, they have enough friends.

The kids don't come first, you do, you need to be ok for the kids to have a good environment. You need to sit down with your fiance and get this straightened out before you take the vows because if it isn't fixed now it will only get worse as time goes on. One other thing I had to let my husband know was that I am not his ex and do not assume or do things as if you still live with her talk to me and we can figure it out. Well we have been married for 12 years and are still together.
One last question, you say you are getting married next month and his kids are 2 and 3, how long has he been divorced and you guys been together, it can't be that long unless you were seeing him while he was still married and that might be grounds for some of the hostility from the ex or if not then has he had enough time to get over his last marraige? My husband took at good 3 years to get over being married for 10 to his ex, I met him a year after his divorce and it was 2 years before we married.

The kids are too small for talking to them. And you are their step mom. Let dad do the discipline for most of the time. Dad does the talking to mom. Have dad tell them the rules when you are not there. That way you are not the evil stepmom.

The rules should be simple and designed to keep them safe, not structured to overwhelm or overburden. At 2 and 3 it should be pick up your toys etc. and the consequence simple and logical...you don't pick it up it goes away for a day, etc.

You should just love and keep them safe. Pick up what is left on the floor when they are not looking, etc.

If they tell you they don't like you say, that's okay, they don't have to (it takes the power out of their statement) and go on with what you are doing.

Don't try to bribe them by buying them gifts, give them simple love and love will grow. Don't try to make them happy, give them a place where they can be happy if they choose to be happy.

Don't try to make everybody happy, you can't, not ever, you will make yourself sick. And then you can't do any good at all. It is somebody's job to care about you, you! and your husband's.

Take care. Blessings for you new beginnings.

I don't see that you mentioned working with your fiance on this issue. What role does he see you playing? Has he talked with the children's mother about what she says to them regarding you?
In my experience, if they kids are told they don't like you, that only lasts as long as it takes to get to know you. Don't spend time bribing them or making all kinds of accommodations. Show them you care for them and you know how to have fun. Soon, despite what is said about you, they'll come to see the real you and value you. Be sure that you never say bad things about their mother, that makes you no better than her.
As for differences in your homes and expectations, the kids will very soon find out that there are different rules for everywhere they go. If they go to day care, once they are in school. All these places are just a bit different than "home." Set up your expectations, show them you care, and be consistent. They'll come around sooner than you think.
Good luck.

J....

Okay,take a breath and relax. As far as the first post is concerned: as long as your husband to be loves you and wants you to be the stepmom to his kids everything will be o.k.

I am also a stepmom and made alot of mistakes at first, so let me share some things with you...

It will be incredibly hard! The situation with the ex wife is going to suck for a long time(longer if the divorce is recent). The kids will say bad things to you and about you. The ex wife will not in any way make your life/transition any easier for you. Your soon to be husband will be of little help to you while you try to feel your way thru this awkward time(Men just dont feel things the same as us women). You will question/doubt yourself on any and every decision you make that concerns the kids. You will feel unloved and under appeciated! The worst thing...when they come for their visits you will feel as if it is not even your own home sometimes.

Now for the good news...The kids are very young and will pretty much only remember life with you rather than before you! They will grow to love you. They will eventually think of you as family. You have an opportunity to build a strong bond with them any way you see fit.

I chose not to ever have the kids call me Mom, mine were 2 and 5 and even though the ex wife remarried quickly after the divorce she made the kids call the the step dad "Dad" and their father Mike (my husband nipped that in the bud quickly)...I thought I would never do that and didnt want to force the issue..and now as teenagers they still call me K. but when speaking to friends or family they refer to me as "MOM" which makes my heart melt!It was their choice and when they say it I know they mean it! You of course do what you want, I am just giving an example of how I tried to make our relationship different.

The most important piece of advice I can give you is this: Stay calm and dont let the ex wife get under your skin...she is going to do things and make decisions for the kids that you will not agree with but THEY ARE HER KIDS! Try not to make waves and just worry about your own life/family that you are creating with them. Think about everything you want to say and never say anything while you are upset, save it till the next day and see if you feel the same way(this goes for taliking to the ex, taliking to your hubby about the kids, and talking to the kids)...I would love to say more but I have to leave and take my 14 yr old stepson out to dinner, its his B-day and this is our special tradition:)

Please feel free to mesage me any time..we can swap horror stories or just vent when needed! FYI...our ex is/was very difficult, but I think they all are:)

K.

J.,

do yourself a favor and see a professional couple's couselor BEFORE you guys are getting married.

You and your fiance need to figure out what your role in his kids life is going to be and what kind of rules you are going to have as a family, before you take your vows and kids of your own.
It would be great if it involved their mom as well, but that is not always possible. If there is too much hostility between his ex and you, I would seriously consider waiting with the marriage until all three of you are on speaking terms - I know this sounds exaggerated, but if you marry this man, you are also entering into a lifelong relationship with his ex and his kids, and if that does not work out, your marriage will be miserable and probably fail!

In his heart and mind his children will always come first, have no illusion about this, and if you are not on the same page on it now, it will get worse and cause both of you and the kids a lot of heartache.

When I remarried, my daughter was around 10 years old, and she was not happy at sharing me with my new hunny (just how unhappy came as a great shock to me, after the marriage). Though her own dad had been abusive at times, she felt confusing loyalty toward him once this "usurper" entered the picture.

It became clear early on that Stepdad needed to stay in the background when any and all issues arose. For years. Fortunately, my second husband was patient and long-suffering, and would keep trying to reach out whenever that seemed possible. My daughter did better when I gave her as much closeness as I could. And the absolute core rule for us was that when correction was needed, I had to be the sole disciplinarian, not him, though it was important that we were essentially in agreement about our expectations.

You might find it helpful to adapt these guidelines to your own new family. It will probably be hard, especially if your stepkids-to-be have a mother who speaks poorly of you or your marriage. You may simply have to let your fiance be the hub of the family wheel until the kids gradually accept you, if they ever do.

It may be easier for you because they are so young now, and you'll have a greater opportunity to be part of their lives. And as their powers of reasoning mature, your husband can talk to the kids about how important they (and you!) are to him. If you are a caring person, which sounds like the case, it will be challenging for you to move slowly. But overstepping boundaries that the children choose (for reasons that will be emotionally valid to them), will possibly backfire.

I don't want to be too discouraging, though. While the challenges were difficult, and all three of us suffered (I felt real heartbreak for my daughter AND my husband), eventually we worked it through. When my daughter left for college, there was enough emotional space for all of us to readjust our feelings and expectations toward each other. Stepdad and stepdaughter are excellent friends today, and her adorable son is OUR grandson, as well as my ex-husband's and his second wife's.

It's really important that you and your fiance talk these family issues over and make sure you agree on basic childrearing principles. If not, your marriage will be painfully challenged. I hope you'll also talk about the hows and whys of bringing additional children into the marriage, if this in in your plans, and how you'll handle the inevitable emotional impact on his two children.

Take a deep breath as this is a HUGE step and something that a lot of thought needs to go into. My fiancee and I have been together for a year now, and the advantage I have is that I was there for his sons birth and did daycare for him up till they seperated. In other words this baby knows me. Even so this last year has been hell b/c of the ex. She is hateful, mean, and nasty. Even though this baby has always known me (he'll be three this month) he's had times where he has struggled b/c she tells him to hate me. Unless she backs off and quits being bitter it won't change. So you really do need to figure out if this is something you can put up with for a lifetime. She will hurt the children no matter who he is with by using her bitterness to make herself feel better.

Your finacee does need to come to the table though. Kids are first and that is important, but unless he steps up this won't work. You will be the bad guy. Also there needs to be consistency. I found that sometimes I worked against my fiancee without realizing it. He would put them in timeout and a moment later I would hug them. Bad message. We had a serious talk and laid out the rules for HIM AND I. Things like if he put them in timeout no talking to or hugging until he let them out and same to me. Timeouts are done using a timer (this is easiest for a toddler to assosciate with).
http://www.parents.com/family-life/divorce/coping/discipl...

Even if there are no rules at their home there does need to be rules at your home. This won't make you guys the bad ones, but the right ones. Kids NEED boundaries. You may want to take a parenting class to find out what others have done. You can call your local mediation service or you can call the college - both usually have 6 to 8 week courses with a ton of helpful info. But fiancee will need to go. Maybe he can invite his ex to attend one? We're going to attend classes with his ex for the sake of the children.

Bottom line is that some things do need to happen or this will become a problem in your coming marriage. I have had a lot of moments where I have wondered if the fight is worth it. I love him and I love his son, and I have decided to stick it through. His son has shown that he can fight through what his mom says and runs to me everytime he sees me to tell me he loves me. Not all kids are strong like and most will do or say what their mom says. This can cause severe psychological damage, which we brought up with the ex. Things may calm down or they may get worse. Until something is decided you probably should reconsider the marriage.

Anyhow I really hope something happens to help you figure out your role. It is important to establish it. Best of luck.

I've not read other replies so forgive me please if I'm repeating.

You, your finacee, and the birth mom are all adults. I'd seriously try to get all three of you into a room with a counselor or mediator.

Communicate to the birth mom that you are not trying to take her place in the kids lives that she will always be her thier mom and you could be their bonus mom.

Use this session to get the communication open and constructive. At the very least if you can't get all three in a room maybe you and finacee could go to a session and work out what works for you. Then he & she could go to a session and lay some ground rules but they'd be coming from him (not you). If you know she won't respond to that, maybe you could have the counselor present the ground rules as his idea (just call and speak to them on the side).

Bottom line is if you and finacee aren't in agreement with how to parent the children and on what the ground rules are. The kids will sense that and they'll pick at it like a scab until they've driven you apart.

C.-WAHM to 5 y/o virtual twins
Owner:http://www.BeHappierAtHome.com

I tell all parents...if your not ok with the situation, whatever the situation might be, then your kids won't be either. You will set the tone for the experience that they have. I would encourage you to sit with your soon to be husband and tell him how you feel...lay out some ground rules and expectations for their visitations. As far as the kids go, if they tell you that they don't like you, I would let them know that this is ok, they don't have to....it may be hard for them to like you because they feel like they would let their mom down...and kids even at their ages know all about this. Don't push, I would just sit back and let them come to you in their own time. Things that you could do to help would be to spend time doing what they like and letting them teach you how to do it. This comes from U of Washington's Parent Led Play THerapy. Good luck to you.

My sister just married a man with twin boys. They started dating when the boys were 2 and fortunately they took to her. However, they came to live with my sister and her husband when the boys were 8 and it was a nightmare. It was the same thing - the mother trying to stir up trouble, no rules at the mother's house and the boys were completely unruly and it drove my sister mad. She had to sit down with her husband and get him to see how important it was that she have a hand in raising them while they were at their house. She had to talk to him about rules, etc., and how important it was that they stick together on this. It's important that the kids respect you, too. You need to get your husband on board and figure out a way you'll be involved in their lives, too. You need to establish rules at your house and get your husband to help you enforce them. The kids do come first, but you have a place in there, too and it's important that the kids respect you and listen to you.

Your role when they are at your home is step mom and mate to their father. It is your space to set rules in your home with your fiancé, no matter what their mother's rules are in her home. It's good to be on the relatively same page,but you need to develop your own relationship with the children.
The children are still very young. Don't be afraid of them saying they don't like you, just ignore that response which is not uncommon for their age. They will not like you any better if you bribe them with gifts or let them do what they want all the time. They will develop a healthy relationship with you by you and your mate setting clear limits, consequences and expectations. It takes young children time to learn behaviors. I don't know how long you both have been together but it seems new and it will take time to adjust for both you and the children. They can manipulate the situation by you wanting to please them, but it won't make them "like" you better and they won't respect you in the end. Get to know them by spending time with them and doing project together as a family and let them get used to the rhythm of your home.

First of all the kids are to young to understand or remember any of what you are going through. My daughter was 3 1/2 when I met my husband. She has no memory of her dad and I being together or of when we were separated (she is now 9). She only remembers life with her step-dad. And that is a good thing since my reltaionship with her dad was rocky to say the least.
Most of her outbursts were directed at her step-dad but started out as her being mad at me. she did not like to share me with him. And he did everything right (just like you) being playful, kind, buying her stuff, taking her places when I had to work a couple hours.. they eventually became friends and now she has told me that she loves that I married him.

As far as rules.. there are none at dads and lots at mom's.
by the time she was 4-5 she figured this out and it wasn't really a problem. She knew what was expected at my house and complied.. but don't get me wrong my blood boils when she tells me of the candy/movies she has at her dads..

Her dad has been another story.. he hasn't had a girlfriend in long time (busy with career). he is now dating a girl I don't like. But out of respect I don't say anything to my daughter. He knows I don't like the girl.
I guess my issue is that.. ok example.. her dad and i live an hour's drive apart. the girlfriend often come up for the ride. I have invited her into my home and tried to be friendly.. she came in the house one time. Every other time she waits in the car.. even making him hurry so he can drive her to a 'rest-stop' bathroom instead of using mine. She is nice to me when I go to thier house. I want to get to know her better because as my daughter is started into puberty (we bought her first bra OMG!!) I need to feel comfortable that this girl can handle anything a pre-teen can dish out.

So I guess what I'm saying is -over time just re-assure the mother that you are mature enough to support the needs of her kids. she is angry she is in this sutuation (i'm guessing since the kids are very young and her ex is already moving on) she just needs some time to adjust and feel comfortable with you and your "mothering" skills. It may take weeks or years but you just need to be nice, friendly and take the sh@#$ she dishes for a little while.
Hope this helps

I have been a step-mom for 8 years to a now ten year old girl. I don't have time to go into the details of the ups and downs I have experienced, but I strongly suggest you read the book "The courage to be a step-mom." Finding your place without losing yourself--this book is key to step-mom success! I know it will help you--I wish you the best of luck!

Not to burst your bubble, but it will be years before you have a role in their lives. You are in a position that requires a lot of proving of yourself... to them, their mom, and every other person in their lives.
I have been in my kids lives for 5 years. I can honestly say it's only in the past year that ALL of them have started to treat me like a mom, ALL the time. And I don't have a bio mom to deal with as she's been out of the picture for 9 years.
My best advice to you is to enforce rules at your house. As the kids grow up, they will respect it. I'm more strict than anyone in my kids' lives, but I have had to be so that they didn't run me over from the get go. All of them will tell you though, that they know exactly what to expect if they don't do what they're asked, and they like it that way.
Don't avoid them, get to know them the best you can. Don't treat them special and try to be their friend, it will backfire. Treat them as if they were your own children.... what would you do for your own kid? What would you buy them? What rules would they have? Etc.

Hi J.!
I have to say I agree with Karma. I have a blended family, both my husband and I have children from previous marriages and it is so difficult navigating the "step child-Step parent" relationship. I mean, its difficult raising a "normal" family so adding any stress is more difficult. I also think you need to do whatever you need to do to be the best person you know how to be. You know what it is you need, and you know what the right thing to do is. No one can tell you what that is. Staying calm and being yourself is so important. You are going to do just fine if you keep centered on what you value and love about your life!
I wish you well in everything and Congratulations on the wedding!

This may sound silly, but stop trying so hard. Kids have radar and can smell fear a mile away. LOL. Just love them and treat them the way you would treat your own child. There will be boundaries, and you will have good and not such good times. Sometimes the 2 of you will take the kids to the park, other times you'll hang out at home and watch tv or make cookies, or just veg out. The kids don't have to be included in EVERYTHING you do or ANY of the decisions. They are 2 and 3 years old, they don't need that kind of power. I bet they like you just fine, they just feel torn. As you love them regardless, and teach them healthy boundaries, they will come to find a special place in their heart for you. Be careful to never badmouth mom though. And don't let daddy do it either. I remarried when my kids were 3, 6, 9 and they soon saw that my husband wasn't going anywhere AND they couldn't manipulate him to get what they wanted either. Now those kids are 21, 24 and 26 and call him dad.

The key word here is "mother". You are going to be thier mother whenever they are staying with you. Lay down the law, and stick to it, otherwise, these two little hoodlums will grow into very disrespectful young adults. I hope your new husband to be is backing your play -- because it will be very uncomfortable if he does not. You must not give in to feeling pressured by these kids -- it's a shame that their birth mother has allowed them to become so rude at so tender an age. I'm a retired school teacher of 30 years, and have dealt with a lot of blended families, and believe me, giving in to that kind of terrorism is never a winning hand. There is a reason that you are the adult, and they are the kids. Stick with it no matter what. You will never regret making them toe the line at your house! Good luck.

Hi J.,

Welcome to evil stom-mom world. Just kidding. I came to my step kids when they were 10, 11, 12. What a change. The one thing that is very important is that you and your soon to be husband are together on house rules. The rules may be diffrent at mom's but you have your own rules for your house. You know like no yelling, hitting, saying bad things, chores, and other duties. my step kids never had to help around moms house but at my house you picked up after yourself. I also had a rule of no put downs to anyone. You and your husband need to settle on some ground rules and think of what is age appropriat on how to punish them if they chose not to follow the rules.
at any age children know that there are rules. I have kids that act diffrent at my house then they would at any other house becouse they have come to respect my rules.
You also might want to look up to see if they have a support group in your area. I go to one and it helps alot. And so did some parenting classes i went to. I am not afraid to say i am not a perfect parent and we all need help time to time.

Well remember children are open books. They will learn to like you through your actions. There mothers words cannot stick if you are realy not that way. Good luck!!!!

Think very carefully about this huge step you are taking. Things may only improve if their Dad works with you as one unit AND with family counseling for ALL the adults.

But the bottom line is the children are very young, their Mom is in the picture and not going anywhere. Their Dad has an emotional and financial obligation to them. Seems like she isn't going to let anyone forget her place in the kid's lives and doesn't care how it effects them. BEFORE you get married there needs to be a significant shift in her attitude. If there isn't, your marriage will be hell. Listen and take to heart what Julie J said to you. She has been where you are and given you sound advice.

It is what it is. E.

I don't really know what to tell you.Though with them being so young it will probably take some time and all u can do is be patient.My fiance and i will be getting married next summer, though he will be the step parent but I think it helps a lot that he's been in the picture since she was 9 months old.

Though off topic I did want to ask u about going to school for the medical billing/coding cert.I've been thinking about it myself because we have a charter school here in town that says it can be done in like 7 months so I just wanted to hear from someone who is doing it themselves.Feel free to email me tho if thats easier.Thank u.

Hi J.,
Looks like you got a lot of great replies here. I, too, am a stepmom and have been for about 10 years. It has been the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.
I came into these kids' lives when they were just 3 and 5. They took to me right away and me to them. At the time I had no children of my own, but knew how much I wanted them and how much I loved children. I was only 19 at the time and couldn't believe what I was about to take on.
I dove in head first and took control of every aspect of the situation. I dealt with mom, I cooked, cleaned, bought gifts, took them places, picked them up and dropped them off. My dh did pretty much nothing! Their mother wasn't really against me but in little ways here and there she'd make sure those kids never forgot who their mother was!
Fast forward about 9 years. I now have my first child. The stepsons got a little older and a little more willing to be defiant. I disengaged completely and I am more happy now than I can possibly explain to you! I now cook because I want to cook, clean up only when I want to and I never tell these kids what to do. I simply go to Dad and tell him what they need to do and if he doesn't want to have them do it, he can do it himself. It's been a very long, emotional process but worth it.
I also belonged to a web forum called www.stepfamily.net. Go there! It saved my life and marriage! There are many wonderful women on there going thru what you are going thru and they will help guide you.
Good luck to you hun. I really hope it works.

S.