Behavior and Temper Tantrums

I.,

Was she a headbanger at all before? How are her language skills? Her developmental skills? Is she inconsolable during her tantrums? Is there any action you take that mitigates her tantrums or does she just go on and on no matter what you do? Does she fight you on "common" things like getting dressed, going to the grocery store,or any transition time (changing from one activity to the next)? Does she like to spin a lot?

The reason I am asking is my daughter did the same thing. It took me a year and a half but she was diagnosed with sensory processing disorder. It is on the autism spectrum. Headbanging is one of signs of the spectrum. That is not to say a lot of children not on the spectrum won't act this way but you should check with your Early Intervention(free county assessment, call you county and ask for the number). My daughter is in a lot of therapy and assistance now but she rarely headbangs anymore.

I took a lot of advice from everyone - tried everything from ignoring the behavior to punishment and even spanking which I do not believe in. Nothing worked because her brain does not process sensory input correctly.

I thought I would give you another option because I think you will get a lot of advice from mothers of typical children but if your daughter has SPD, it will all be completely useless. Please consider having her tested. I waited so long (on bad advice from friends and family)and the sooner therapy starts (if she has SPD) the better the outcome. Finally, in case she has SPD, it is NOT necessarily autism, it is its own diagnosis. Therapy consists of OT, developmental, speech, and behavioral but it really works. Your team will teach you how to handle her and you will see remarkable improvements in just months so consider this as an option.

Good luck to you.

I have been there. Then, I read every book I could get my hands on and was saved. Two rules of 2 year olds. Choice (ie. getting dressed; this shirt or that one, red cup or blue, etc.)and Distraction. Give them a choice of two things and if things start to go awry (pre tantrum) distract with anything available (and you will get creative, but they're only 2) ie. the clouds, the funny crack in the ceiling, the birdie outside,... Now, when it's too late and tantrum has hit, must, must, must ignore, walk away, get out of sight, etc. Of course, in the mall you can't leave like at home going to another room, but you can stand aside. This does work. You just have to be consistent. You can't do it some of the time and then not at other times when it's inconvenient. You must let her know tantrum behavior is totally unacceptable. It will be worth it. And another key, you must remain calm and collected, too. Now, three year olds, believe it or not are more difficult because these 2 simple rules no longer apply. But right now, at age 2 they are a godsend. Hang in there. Once you perfect these 2 rules, you will experience Terrific Twos.

Forget about contacting your local parenting classes(its not you)....Forget about timeouts(they dont work)......Forget about yelling(it just makes things worse)....Forget about screaming(it just makes you mad)....Forget about spanking(cause your trying to love her, not make her violent).....Forget about ignoring her(cause that does nothing, but show her that you dont care).Whatever happened to holding, loving, and nuturing? I do not feel that you lack any of this, but we can not do it enough these days.
I truly feel, "Hands are loving, not for hitting", and no object should ever be used to strike a child. Our voices are not for yelling, but for soft spoken words of encouragement. When she hits you, hold her and tell her how you feel. When she throws herself on the floor, hold her to let her know you love her.....When she yells, place your finger on your lips and hush very softly, and place your other finger on her lips.....hushhhhh...She will learn to use her words....she learn to calm herself with help of your embrace and loving words. Everyone goes through these times of the terriable two's, and sometimes even the three's, but it is "US", as the parents to guide them in the direction of what we truley want them to be. Kids act out of frustration because they can not truley understand how to tell us what they need, want, feel, and such...so it is our job to provide them with security of knowing it is okay, and that we here for them. I wish you the best of luck.

I had the exact same problem with my daughter who just turned two but began getting tantrums around 18 months old and she would hit herself. There was this one time that it got real bad. We were at Target and she got a tantrum because she wanted a ceramic piggy bank lol ... of course I couldn't allow her to take it since it could fall and break so I said no. Boy, was that bad. She started screaming her lungs out and hitting herself in the face. She was uncontrollable. I was scared someone might think I was hitting her and to my luck a security officer came to me since she heard all the commotion. I happened to look at my daughter and her mouth was bleeding. Just what I needed. After that I tried not to leave the house with her unless it was necessary, I guess I was scared she'd do it again. It would scare me to see her hurt herself and I thought she was the only one but she isn't.

I was told by her pediatrician to just ignore her, eventually she'll get tired of screaming and hitting. It's hard, I know ,to just watch them hurt themselves and not do anything about it but indeed she was manipulating me. She gets her tantrums every now and then but doesn't hit herself anymore. I got fed up one day and did what the pediatrician said. I ignored her till she calmed down and then it was she who came to me hugging and kissing me. Kids are smart, they know more than you think. Hang on there, and don't worry, you're not alone!

Hi I.,
I understand how you feel it cannot only be harmful to the child but at the same time embarrassing to you especially if done in public. I would just suggest being firm with her telling her no lets not do that you will hurt yourself or mommy. Show her that it hurts you when she acts like that im not saying break down crying because that wont work but just reinforce in her that she is hurting you and herself. Have you had any big traumatic events like moving or has there been a change in her home life like people moving in? I ask this because I have learned that children deal differently then we do with change. Just think has something changed in your life or hers that even to you might not be big and that might help you with trying to nip this hurtful behavior in the bud quickly I might add. I don’t mean to scare you by saying this but I deal with a 5 year old that is constantly jumping off things and running into things I worry about him doing that a lot because if he injures himself and I have to take him to the emergency room. I fear the doctors would look at me crazy and even call child protective services on me so I tell you that because with her hitting her head especially on the ground, she sometimes leaves marks and you can only get by so many times with people by telling them she did until they stop believing you. I hope I have helped please keep posted on what is going on. Also, try changing her diet if she drinks cokes or has a lot of sugar try cutting that out. Breads especially white can make kids act very strange I had a woman at the health food store tell me to try brown bread and cut out colas, I did, and my son for the past few weeks has shown a big improvement on his dangerous activities. So try asking a cashier at a health food store ask for information on hyperactive children or even stressed children or look online.

the next time she acts up when you are out pick her up and take her outside.tell her you are going bye bye now since she is not acting like a big girl. make sure to praise her when she is good to reinforce the good behavior. when my son gets mad i put him in time out when we are at home. i tell him that is not nice. most times he calms down. every time she acts up she needs to go in time out. at home i use the pack and play if we are in the living room or the crib if in the bedroom. I find sometimes too this behavior increases when the child has not had enough sleep or is hungry or both. good luck.

I have a headbanger too! I actually think it is kinda funny, because recently he figured out that it hurts to bang your head in to hard things, so he either does it VERY gently, or goes and finds something soft to bang it into. Hey, he's not stupid! I asked a pediatrician about it onetime and she said it was totally normal and that most kids just grow out of it. According to Dr. Greene (http://www.drgreene.com/21_1104.html) 20% of kids headbang at some point and it is a behavior akin to thumb-sucking that they use to soothe themselves when they get upset.

When Robert does it (which is only in association with some kind of discipline, such as if I take something away from him or I refuse him another cookie, etc.) it is in connection with a tantrum, and as long as he is somewhere safe I simply walk away. We love Harvy Karps'"Happiest Toddler on the Block" book and use his rules of time out, etc. for behavior modification. I really think that she'll grow out of this over time, as she becomes more verbal and has more and more control over her actions. But, of course, don't hesitate to check with your doctor about it.

Hi I., I can totally relate. My little one is 2.5 and started doing the head banging thing when he was pretty little - maybe just after he turned 14 months or so. It used to freak me out big time. Someone told me that as soon as he hits it someplace really hard then he'll stop, and sure enough we were outside and he did it on the concrete, and it hurt him a lot, and that was the last time he did it. Thank goodness. It was not good for my nervous system when he did that. He still has his little freak out sessions when he gets frustrated or doesn't get his way... but I think that time will help that... I know that doesn't help. Did you ever read the book "the happiest toddler on the block"? It is really good about using "toddlerese" and talking to the little ones in "their" language. I have to say it really helps a lot. Just that he feels validated when he needs it seems to really help. PS my best friend is an art therapist in LA. What a great field, rock on!! take care, M.

First of all, you should not ignore such behavior. She's being allowed to act out inappropriately and by ignoring it you're saying that it's ok. Yes, children at this age will act out and test the waters. She's testing you good and so far she's seeing that she can get away with this. You won't be reinforcing her behavior by addressing it and disciplining her for such actions.

The nicest route to go is when she behaves this way to look her straight in the eye with a firm voice and let her know that she will not do this. You must let her know you are in control, not her. That's her warning. If she does not stop then you set in her a corner, on a step, in a chair, and tell her not to get up until her time is up, 2 minutes. When her time is up, go over, look her in the eye and tell her why she was put in the corner and that it is wrong. Ask for an apology, "Tell Mommy 'sorry'." If will be rough in the beginning but you must out last her. It may take 5 minutes, it may take an hour to keep her in her corner for 2 minutes, but if you give up and let her go, she wins the battle of the wills and she has just proven she's the boss of the house. When she complies and sits for 2 minutes and tells you she's sorry, then give her a hug and tell her you love her. Remember not to reward her when it's over with a treat or something fun. She'll expect that every time. Just go about your business. It may be a rough road but if she's allowed to keep acting out in this way, what will she progress to when she's 3? When she's 4?

Take a look at the show Super Nanny. She also has a book out. You'll get many ideas of how to calmly discipline.

Good luck!

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HarrisburgPAChat
chat and events within 2 hour radius

Hi I.,

Contact your local area for parenting classes.

Good luck. D.