Behavior Issues - Walkerton,IN

My daughter is also five. I've read a lot of books, and attended eight weeks of parenting classes in an effort to overcome my daughter's bratty behavior, and my out-of-control reaction to it. The best book series I found is called Love & Logic. Both the parenting classes, which were led by a child psychologist, and L&L focus on positive discipline. Using this philosophy and techniques, my relationship with my daughter has greatly improved. I recommend starting with a book titled something like "Love & Logic for Preschoolers," which is for parents of kids up to age six. Good luck!

man I hear you- and it gets more difficult I have a 7 yr old and 5 yr old boys. i use a time out chair and if its something really naughty the 7 year old has to write 25 times. sometimes its I will respect my mother, I will not take things without asking etc.. I also have a marble jar- the get a marble when they are good and a marble goes into the naughty jar- when they do something good a marble comes out of the naughty jar into the good jar. the 5 year old loves this. for me i have a yelling jar everytime I yell I put a quarter in the jar. I will take the kids out to lunch when theres enough. it really makes me aware of how often I am yelling and helps me pick my battles. Good luck!

I believe with what Julie said. I am not the best in following it, but I try. The key is consistency (which is why it isn't working great for us, but getting there). My son just turned 5 and is very bossy and smart mouthed. He gets it from school, as we are not that way here, but I know kids are at his school. So, I have started taking toys, etc. away and he needs to be nice to earn them back. Plus, if he throws a temper tantrum when he has to go to the time out chair, then he goes to his room for double the time. That seems to be working very well right now (we just instituted the room thing). He doesn't have any toys in his room, just books, so it isn't any fun up there, and we can't hear him tantruming- so it looses it's effect. I think you need to keep disciplining him and being consistent and he will learn who is boss. As far as your pediatrician goes, I might find a new one because you don't medicate a kid unless it is a dire circumstance, and discipline issues like tantrums for being disciplined is not dire in my book. A huge issue, yes, but not a medicate issue.

How is he in school? Does he act the same way? If he is generally well-behaved in school, then you might want to adjust how you are disciplining him. You don't say what you're doing, but taking away the things he loves and making him earn them back through respect to you and your husband and through good behavior is a start. He needs to know you won't tolerate his outbursts (assuming he doesn't have some underlying condition).

Whenever my kids (they are 9, 6 & 5) have tantrums, they have to go to their rooms until they calm down. I will not tolerate tantrum behavior in my presence. If we are in the store, we leave. If we are at a zoo or movie, we leave. Simple as that - no matter how inconvenient it is or how much money it costs. My kids know I mean business. My oldest has had all her possessions taken away. She had to earn them back one by one (plus earn TV & computer time).

Good Luck.

My oldest son also challenged the boundaries....especially if he perceived that he was "on par" with somebody. He challenged me more than his father, and he would challenge the teaching assistant at day care but never the teacher.

The best book for us was Parenting with Love and Logic. In this book they allow the consequences to be the disciplinarian rather than the person. There are few words - just action.

The key for us was talking to the family BEFORE the next issue (when everyone is calm) and discuss the new code of conduct. During this discussion we were sure that the kids knew that we ALL needed to change our behaviour (parents too) to help keep the house happy and calm...no yelling. Be sure he knows exactly what the consequences are before the next episode so that you can quietly and calmly respond with the known outcome.

Most importantly...FOLLOW THROUGH! Even if this means walking him back to his room 15 times. Sometimes it may mean walking away from him and his behavior too.

Good Luck!!

T.,

My brother has six children, and his second oldest had tantrums when he was about 4 or 5. My brother and sister-in-law found the book Liberated Parents Liberated Children very helpful in figuring out alternatives to yelling at their kids. I also found it useful for communication in all kinds of relationships. Here's a link from Amazon:

http://www.amazon.com/Liberated-Parents-Children-Happier-...

It's got practical suggestions and examples from real life situations.

I am the mother of a 16 month old - although I haven't had to do much disciplining yet, I have a family friend who is a behavior consultant for families in Wisconsin. For a birth gift, she gave me "Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline" with a tag line of "7 Basic Skills for turning conflict into cooperation". I've read the first few chapters and it is very easy to read and follow. I highly recommend it. Good luck to you! I'm sure I'll need it when my daughter gets a little older. ~A. V.

Hi T.,

A colleague of mine is either going to thank me or tell me to stop telling people about her.

She is an excellent behaviorist who specializes in working with the families of very young children, such as yours, teaching them "how to" handle just the kinds of problems you are reporting.

She used to run a special program in Lincoln Park, called "Tuesdays Child", and I spent a month just watching her and her staff work with incredibly difficult problems.

The method they used was to train mom's and then have the trained mom's train new mom's to the program. That one learns best by teaching was amply demonstrated to me.

If you are interested, just call me and I'll give you her name and phone number.

R. Katz, Psy.D.
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T.-
You must always appear to be calm, no matter what episode may be occurring. Your child will eventually mimic your feelings/actions. Whether you see it in the form of him calming down sooner and/or later he will treat others as you treat him. I understand how frustrating discipling can be. It is constant, never waivering. You are in control, he is testing it, probably knowing how far to push until you cave. He is a smart little guy! Hang in there. Be firm, stick to your word. Be patient and kind with your words and body movements always. It will be comforting to him as well as a learning experience.

Well, first you have to learn how to control your outbursts during disciplining. You're teaching him that outbursts are acceptable, that losing control is acceptable, and in turn he's going to portray the same thing back to you.

A five year old is plenty old enough to know the proper way to act, and also to accept discipline when it's deserved. I would say the first thing to do is to de-escalate yourself. When he acts up, send him to his room, even if you have to drag him there the first few times, and tell him that he is to sit on his bed without playing with toys for 5 minutes. Shut the door behind you and let him scream, hit, kick the door, whatever he wants to, just don't go back in. If he opens the door, go over and close it without looking at him or talking to him. If he gets up and comes out, grab him and place him back in bed without talking or looking at him. You may have to return him to bed 10 times the first time you place him in there, maybe 10 times the second, but through consistency, you will break him down, and he'll stay. Just make sure you do it in his room and not in a corner or "naughty chair". The reason being that since you said you end up yelling and screaming, he'll be a little less noisy and you'll be able to work on not getting to the point of yelling, because while he's back there screaming, you can go in the livingroom or kitchen and pace, cuss, whatever you need to, but the thing is, that he's NOT SEEING IT. Once he's quiet for 5 minutes, then go to his room, sit on his bed with him, and explain to him that you have rules in your house, just like he has rules at school. Bring up the action that brought on the consequence, explain to him that that's not allowed in your house, and make him apologize. After he gets used to it, he'll walk to his room himself and you will get to the point where you'll have to set a timer because he'll do it quietly and you'll forget about him! I've done that quite a few times and felt horrible about it!

Before you just jump right in and change up the discipline on him, sit him down and establish some ground rules on behavior he portrays often. Make him aware that from now on, there will be consequences. Tell him what they will be and what is expected of him. "When you are sent to your room, once you're quiet the timer will start and you will sit there quietly for five minutes until I come and get you." Make him repeat it back to you so you're sure he understands. Maybe even sit him down and create a "Discipline Chart". Have him write it, so that he can actively take part in choosing what his discipline will be for certain actions. I used to have one when my daughter was 3, and it included things like "When I hit, I get a spanking". When I talk back to mom or dad, I have to go to the corner". Stuff like that. It really helped me to de-escalate myself, which is the whole reason why I started it in the first place. I felt like I was constantly at her for doing things and it was so frustrating that I'd find myself yelling just because I didn't know what else to do. Well, once we put up the chart, all I did was have her go over and read what her discipline was, and she'd accept it quite gracefully to be honest.

Also, there's no way I'd put my kids on medication. If it's just a discipline issue, it's likely that it's not something that needs to be addressed. Remember, WE teach our children how to treat us. If you're child isn't listening to you, it's not because he's being bad (well, in reality he is), but it's actually you ALLOWING him to get away with not listening to you. If he's throwing a tantrum, it's because you're ALLOWING him to get away with throwing them. My kids have each thrown ONE tantrum....no joke. The one with my son was because he wanted to continue playing with a toy in Meijer, but I was ready to continue shopping, so I told him to put it back on the shelf. He laid down on the ground and started crying hysterically, he was 2 years old. I knelt down and said "sssh", I didn't try to pick him up, I didn't yell over him to get his attention, I just kept saying "ssssh" very calmly until he stopped (he probably only stopped because he thought I may say that he could play longer). I said "mommy's going to finish her shopping. We do NOT cry in stores. When you're done, you can come with me", and I walked away. I went very slowly, stopping every five feet or so and picking up an item and pretending I was reading the label. Well, after about 2 or 3 minutes of crying, he stopped, stood up, walked over to me, and reached out to me. I swooped him up, gave him a hug and placed him in the cart. That was the first and only tantrum he ever had. You have to look at things from there point of view. He was thinking "how can I make my mom let me play more?" They have limited resources, so if something works, they use it again and again. Stop letting things work for your son, and things will change.

I agree with Beth. The 1-2-3 Magic is a wonderful program. My daughter now 16 was definately a challenge. When I started counting (without yelling) after the first few times she got the point. If she didn't stop she had to go to her room and stay there until she could calm down. With my son (8 yrs old) I started him off with that when he was about 1 yr old. He now sends himself to his room when I just look at him and ask if there is a problem. When he calms down he comes to the door and says I'm sorry Mommy, I'm all better now. BUT the key is to do it all the time.

Good luck, it is a challenge but you will do GREAT!
S.

you are not alone- I have a difficult 5 year old. Try tuesday's child- they have great ideas.

I have a 7 year old that is doing the same thing. My husband and I have tried everything we can think of to stop his tantrums but nothing seems to work. I am actually starting on 1/22 taking him to see a therapist to see if we can find out what the problem is. He has a very bad temper too. I am hoping to find resolution going about it through a therapist. D. i.

You need Love n Logic immediately! http://www.loveandlogic.com/pages/rules.html

We have had tempre tentrum problems with our toddlers too...this a a natural consequence philosophy that incorporates loving ways at all times. Teaches kids responsability and respect. You NEED it! check out the books or DVD's, try your local library if you don't want to buy it right away. It has worked wonders for us, it always works.

I want to start off by saying that I think this is normal behavior for a five year old. This is the age where they are constantly testing the boundaries. I suggest you talk calmly, use as few words as necessary and walk him to his room. Tell him quietly as you are walking him up to his room that he can scream/cry as long and as loud as he wants in there, however, he is not coming out until he can behave, and that it is a minimum 5 minutes (5 years old). I set the timer on the stove and tell her to listen for the beeps, after that, if she feels she can behave appropriately, she can come out. I have also found with my 5 year old that it is almost always a cry for attention. (She also has a younger sibling that requires alot of attention!). However, I do not immediately give her attention for behaving badly, as this would reinforce the bad behavior. I wait an hour after the incident, and then spend alone time with her in her room doing whatever she wants to play. Her behavior improves significantly for days after that.

I can definitely relate to what you are going through. My five year old son tries this also. Its as if he can't control his emotions. When we can't get him to settle down we send him to his room and tell him he can't come out until he calms down (and stops fussing and arguing). A lot of times we have to physically take him to his room.

R.

Try enrolling him in a martial arts class such as Tae Kwon Do. We just recently enrolled our 3 1/2-year-old son and are seeing an improvement already. Good luck!

I have 2 children with what we would call fit throwing issues. I used 1,2,3, Magic except I used 1,2,3,4,5 because the oldest was ADD and it would take till 2 to even get her attention for her to realize I was even counting. I have replace bedroom curtain rods, patched holes in her walls and even had to replace her dresser one time when she threw everything out of it and jumped in the drawers and busted the bottems out of it, even though I felt like busting her bottem instead. This program requires patients and follow through but it worked wonders for my family and she is not 12 and I no longer have to count. I can say her name and just start holding up my fingers and she is on it. It is a God sent solution for behavior problems.

My daughter loves to try and throw tantrums. I completely ignore her and she never gets her way so she gives up. Never give in to what they want when they have a tantrum. I know it sounds hard but you can do it! Try to offer choices when you can and that might eliminate some of the fits. If he has done something wrong and he is in trouble first tell him why the action was wrong. Never tell him he is bad, only the action is bad not the child. And always, no matter how mad you might get, tell him you love him after he has been disciplined. I am with you though no medicine unless there is an EXTREMELY good reason. If your son never gets what he wants when he throws fits and has the same consequences when ever he is in trouble, he will stop testing his limits. You could reward him if he goes all day without throwing a tantrum. Maybe you could use a sticker chart. He earns a sticker for everyday that he behaves.(no fits) At the end of the week he gets to do something fun if he earned all his stickers. It is nice to reward for good behavior instead of always disciplining for bad behavior. Not only will he like it, but so will you!!!

I am in the same boat with my 7 year old. He has been that way since birth! The best advise that I can give you is to be consistent. In whatever way you and your husband decide, just work at it together. It goes a lot smoother when he knows he can't turn the two of you against each other (You would be surprised how smart they are!). Also for yourself, make sure you have someone you can talk to (a friend, sister, ect...), to vent and eliminate that anger, because otherwise he will sense your frustration and know he's getting somewhere. Good luck! Whoever said boys are easier... lied!

My 5 year old has also tried to defy discipline (very loudly). The things that have worked best are taking her firmly by the hand and putting her in her room. Sometimes I have carried her to her room for a time out. The other thing I have used is putting her in the bathroom (make sure there is nothing that he can hurt himself with) and telling her that she can scream however long she wants, I will time it and when she is done we will discuss how to shorten the time she is screaming. She stopped yelling within 5 minutes the first time and was finished within 2 minutes the second time. I haven't had to use the bathroom since. The fewer words I use seems to work better. The other tactic that has worked for me is taking away privileges (i.e. computer time, play dates etc.) until she learns to behave and treat me with respect. This has also been working well. Knock on wood!!! Figure out what his "currency" is and use it to your advantage. I feel like we have sanity and peace in our house again. Hope this helps.

Hi, I am a single mother of 3 boys, ages 14, 11 and 6. My oldest was my one who threw temper tantrums. I know it is hard, but just have some patience. I learned that the more I yelled, the worse he would act. When I was calm, eventually he calmed down. It did take a little time to get him out of the habit of screaming and kicking. I am happy to hear that you have chosen not to medicate him. They put Ryan (my oldest) on meds when he was 5. After 5 years of trying everything on the market, at the age of 10 he tried to hang himself and I blame it on the meds. After taking him off all meds and working really hard with him, he is a typical teenager. Hope this helped.

Yelling solves NOTHING. Talk in a soft tone of voice. They HAVE to be better listeners. I did this ALL the time when I taught pre-school. If you whisper to a crying baby, they are much more apt to quiet down than yelling at them. They only yell louder.

CONSEQUENCES!! What are they? For yelling?? For hitting?? For disrespecting and/or not obeying? Children HAVE TO LEARN that there are consequences for INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR. If they don't, they think that there are no consequences as they get older, either. Take away something that he likes, time from something, a toy, time with a friend, etc. You don't want him to act that way with other kids, either.

Compliement and reinforce the positive behavior. Toys are earned back, friends get to come over, get to go to a special place now that they can behave in public, etc. REINFORCE THE POSITIVE and have consequences for the negative. REMIND HIM CONSTANTLY WHAT IS APPROPRIATE AND WHAT IS NOT! Talk about it if you see it in someone else....school, neighbor, TV, etc. THEY NEED CONSTANT AND CONSISTENT reminders.

I don't have much advice for you but my condolences..I am right there with you. I have a 5 year old boy that is going through the exact same thing. He used to be such a sweet boy and still can be at times, but boy does he have his issues now. I like to joke that his 5 yr. birthday cake was laced with attitude. He does not take to discipline well at all. We have taken away privelages (grounding) and that seems to work..He is a bit of a computer guru so taking that away hurts him the worst. We usually ground by tantrum time..if is yelling and screaming lasts a minute then that is one day..if it continues..2 days and so on. But he is our first child and he is the experiment child. I have to remind myself that this is a first for both of us..I have heard from friends and family(my best friend babysat for 9 years) that the terrible 2's just change from year to year. Just try to be calm and boy is that hard to do sometimes. And I always remember a quote from Dr. Phil for parents when dealing with kids of this age..."Pick your battles wisely but whatever battle you pick, WIN" Good luck and let me know if you find anything that works.