Behavior Issues with 16 Year Old Son

Hi J.,
You have a difficult situation. Maybe now though, since the things he loves have been taken away, he could earn them back a little at a time. Also, maybe you could get a tutor to come in once or twice a week. It may help him get out of bed and the tutor could get him caught up on his work. Just a thought. I hope it works out.

L.

I think encouraging him to get out with some family around his age or friends that you approve of would be a good thing. I have been watching that show World's Strictest Parents and one of the episodes kept taking things away from the kids. They got down to taking away the mattress and then the box spring until they were down to a sleeping bag on the floor. They also make the kids do pushups or do monotonous and difficult chores outside. They are given the choice to do an easier one but if they don't do it then they have a really messy and difficult one to do. One family didn't have any chores outside that needed to be done so they made him dig holes and then fill them back up.
On the homeschool note. We homeschool ourselves and there is a lot of groups out there that you could get together with when it is convenient for you. Maybe he would meet someone he would enjoy spending time with.

With a Blessing there is always that one that keep you on your knees praying. Make sure he is not keeping in touch with his friends, and by all means put him in a good church with good young friends.

Raised several teenage boys so I am here to tell you that taking the priviledges away is a good thing to do. It must not have been long that the priviledges have been taken away or he should have come around by now. If he hasn't then consult a family counselor. Do not let this go on too long. I never had one that did not respond to priviledges taken away. He may have some serious issues you don't kwow about. Teenagers are not easy as they have attitude and want their way and think they know so much more than we do. Little do they know they have just begun to learn about life and it is our responsiblity to make sure they recive what they do learn from us. We just have to have a lot of patience and not let them evr know they are getting to us or we have lost the battle! Good Luck from a grandmother who has raised 4 teenage boys and all were different!

I'm not sure of the whole situation but after reading the last sentence you wrote, I do have one thing to say. Make sure that you aren't comparing the other kids to this one. Make sure that you keep in mind that your son may be acting out because the other 2 kids get to leave and hang out with their friends during the day and he is stuck at home with mom. Please don't take that the wrong way because, as I said, I don't know the whole situation but it seems to me like he's upset because you have taken away his out. By that I mean that he doesn't get to hang out with his buddies or make fun of the teachers together or gossip at school every day. For someone who has had all that in their life for so long and then had it all taken away in an instant, it's a bit of a shock. Try to have "field trips" or have special days where you plan "fun" learning things. It's hard for someone who is almost an adult to adjust to such a drastic change.
Now I'm not saying give back the Xbox or anything like that. I mean maybe take him out sometimes for "school related activities" just to get him out of the house. It's possible that he's getting cabin fever.

He sounds depressed. No social life, no inspiration. Please have his hormone level checked. This is an issue so many of us ignore.
We call it the "terrible twos"; "teenage wasteland" and menopause (men go through it too BTW)
I have worked with a great medical intuitive for years; but check with the doctor for hormone levels (usually through blood work or saliva) and/or go talk with the manager at your local health food store.
Get him outdoors, walking the dog, raking leaves, serving dinner at the Salvation Army, etc.
It's a hard job, raising children; but building their character builds ours...
Blessings, S.

maybe you need to take him to a doctor, think maybe he is manic depressive.but i would get him some therapy he seems to need it. sometimes we just chaulk things up to he is being a brat when there undelying major isssues going on inside their heads.good luck.

Maybe try to think of your relationship with your son as a "partnership" as opposed to a "battle" as one poster put it.

Instead of trying to make him be something he's not, decide what's really important (and I'm guessing that's your relationship with him) and the other stuff will take care of itself in time.

For parents who revoke privileges - when was the last time you happily took on a task or performed well because something that was precious to you was taken away or because someone was threatening you? You may have done it, but what you really remember is the awful person that did that terrible thing to you and how horrible you felt the whole time. You may get what you want for the moment (a compliant son) but you will lose more of him in the long run.

It's easy to forget, in the midst of trying to get our children to do everything we think they "should" do, that our children are real live human beings with their own thoughts and feelings and values. It helps to think about that once in a while. I don't have any teenage kids, but I was one once.

Give your son some room to breathe. So what if he sleeps all day? A friend once told me that she researched that and that's just what teenage bodies need. Let him play his Xbox 360 for goodness sake! Truly, what's the harm?

Also you could say "I really think this homeschooling thing can work, what are your ideas?". And LISTEN to his ideas. If there are things you can help with, great. If he wants to learn about something specific or take up a hobby you know nothing about, see if you can find a mentor to work with him or a place for him to take lessons. Homeschooling gives you both freedom, use it to his advantage.

Good luck and give your son a hug. It's tough being a teenager.

Rush to YokaReeder.com
we have been so helped by her.
best,k

This is more than just a behavioral problem, it is an issue with his mental health. Just taking away privileges and home schooling him will not fix this.

You need to take him to be seen by a Pediatric Psychiatrist to be evaluated and get him in to see a therapist on a regular basis. He probably has clinical depression, which is absolutely treatable, but it won't go away by itself (in fact, it'll probably just get worse if left untreated).

Until he is evaluated, you won't know whether he needs medication, but if medication is suggested, it is imperative that he is closely monitored by a Psychiatrist and that it is coupled with therapy. Don't take him to his primary care physician and just accept medication. That typically causes more problems than it solves.

If he is resistant to seeing a therapist, you can start off by presenting it to him as family therapy. That way he doesn't feel like it's "all his fault" (particularly since it is not all his fault). It will also help you learn more about what is going on, and how you can more easily deal with things and, hopefully, reduce your own stress level.

If taking him to a therapist makes you worry about "what people will think", remember that not only is it no else's business, your son's life and your family are what matter. That's what you are working to save.

Good luck. It's not easy, but it will eventually get better if you get your son treated.

Debra :)

I would be worried about depression (which can be followed by suicidal tendencies) If you are taking everything away and he doesn't have any outlets that could lead to depression. Is moving him to another school an option?

My oldest is 15 1/2 and although I have not experienced this with my own children, fromt he outside looking in, it sounds like he may be seriously depressed. Is he on any ADD meds? When my 13 year old son was on ADD meds, although it really helped him focus, it also brought him WAY down and he was very depressed. This is a time in your son's life where his hormones are telling him to hunt and prowl and become a man and at home he doesn't have the oppurtunity to socialize. I am going to homeschool this year, so I am am not anti-homeschooling. Are you involved in church at all. You may need to look at finding a very "young" music filled, funn bible based, non-denominational church for him to get into the youth group with. Dont send him alone, let him bring a friend, just someone he knows until he meets more people there. Also, does he like sports? What are his hobbies. He needs to be able to get out there and LIVE doing the things he loves in a good constructive way. Even though he may not "deserve" to go play soccer, or go to band practice, he needs a reason to live again and when his spirits are higher, on his own he will want to get the work done again. If you live in Florida, check out the virtual academy, it's free and there are other kids online he can chat with and teachers he can talk one on one with. I would also seriously consider and anti depressant for a short while. Find a woman doctor, a nurse practitioner he can talk to. Young boys respond more to the advice of women because they are naturally drawn to nurturing people when it comes to wanting to feel better. It isn't forever, it's not just a drug, it will cause his body to produce the natural chemicals that he is lacking. Bottom line, find something that he can live for. Lay out his academic goals and let him know that it's his choice, to complete them in a timely manner and get it all behind him, or the natural consequence will be that if he ever gets to attend school again, he will be behind and will have to repeat classes. You may even be able to let him attend one or two classes at the school provided he maintain a C or better and is not getting into social trouble.

My oldest is only 9, but I can sympathize. He went through exactly the same thing for several months. I also homeschool. I asked for advice on here. I got some great thoughts, but I also got people jumping on me suggesting the problem was the homeschooling. It's not. So hang in there. Here's what I did. It may help with your son though he's older. Have a serious talk. About life, responsibility etc. If necessary, show him the reality of people without education. Next, show him how lucky he is to be homeschooling and talk about the advantages. Things that mean something to him. He can sleep in a little, he can take more breaks, he can watch tv during lunch, he can do his work with you and be done at noon, etc. He will have the opportunity to get a job in the afternoons or go to college early. Then present the rewards for doing well. For my son it's 1/2 hour of video games each day he finishes his work. Your son may need something else depending on what he likes. Also, discuss respect. My son needed to learn to respect me as a mom, but also as a teacher during class time. One last thing I did, was start walking with the kids several times a week. Turns out physical activity did a lot to calm him during class. Your son could try weight lifting or running or whatever strikes him as fun. It may help. My son gave me a really hard time for a weeks after I started doing all of this, but then it got better. No major problems since, just the occasional grumpy morning or complaints about an assignment. Another suggestion that worked for me was letting him pick some of his books. He chose his science and history books because they interested him. He also picks the books he reads in Reading class. So instead of whatever other 4th graders are reading, he's reading Ancient history, and Harry Potter. Highschool requirements are a little more strict, but you could probably still find books within the required subjects he may like better. Discuss it with him and find out. Hang in there and be patient. He's going to push buttons. Just hang in there!

I would take him to a mental health counselor. There could be underlying depression. Depression is anger turned inward. He is probably angry you took him away from his crowd (his family)and now he has his whole world crumbling. My advice would be get to the root of the problem and forget about the outward symptoms. There could be a learning disability that was never picked up when he was younger. In that case maybe an occupational therapist would help. Lots of times undiagnosed learning problems turn into mental health problems as teenagers.