Behavior Issues with First Grader.

yeah, this is not just being high spirited, it's being disrepectful. Great advice about concequences at home. Talking probably isn't going to do it, find what he likes and take it away so he learns it's not ok to act this way at school.

You start by making a date with his teacher and talking with the teacher. Find out how he interracts during class, how he's performing, is he at grade level, does he catch on too quickly and get bored, is he frustrated with anything at school ?

It's interesting that the problems are in the cafeteria, at recess and in the busline. These are all times with little supervision and no structured activities. (I do kind of wonder why there are rocks on the playground?) It is a time when he has to create his interactions, and he needs to begin to do so in a more positive way. He is pushing his limits, and finding out that they still exist, and there are punishments for failing to behave correctly. That learning experience is in many ways a good thing -- as long as he learns from it. I wouldn't make too big a deal of it right now, but I would talk to him about what's going on, he won't understand "why" he did it, cuz he's young, but he can certainly understand that he is not allowed to behave that way at school and that you expect better of him. Feel free to ask him how school went when he gets home, when he's gone a week with no disciplinary incidences, be sure to PRAISE him to the hilt ! He needs attention for the good he's doing so negative attention doesn't become a reward in itself. :-)

You'll get through this. He'll figure out the ropes and learn to abide by the rules. Especially if both you and the school are handling his infractions with cool consistency.

Good luck ! Remember, too, that he is the oldest child. We often have our own egos out there with child #1, and we worry about all kinds of things with them that we don't worry about half so much with #3 and #4. He's used to "ruling the roost" and he's suddenly in an environment where he isn't the eldest child, the top dog. He's settling in, and he'll get there . . . he sounds like an active young guy who could use a little more activity in gym class ! :-) He's not a "bad boy", he's just an energetic guy. With you by his side and in his court, he'll learn to funnel that energy into things he enjoys that are "within the limits" -- like sports or something . . .

L. - First of all, God bless U for having 4 kids, I don't know how people do it! I JUST had my 2nd girl 3 mos ago, and I still feel like I need to have a room w/ padded walls in my house just to feel normal :)

Secondly, it seems like your son is being rebellious, difficult, etc. because he's adjusting to a FULL DAY of school, which is a HUGE adjustment for him AND your family. Does he act out like this at home? Has he ever done things like this BEFORE going back to school? He could just be trying certain things for attention, even if it's negative attention, it's just how kids are sometimes.

Thirdly, the school year's only just begun, and it could take him a while, maybe even the WHOLE year to adjust to new expectations (from you and teachers), new social pressures, etc., even things that happen @ school he might keep from you just so that he can figure them out on his own, too. Being 6 yrs old in the year 2009 is WAY different than when I was in first grade (no internet, no txting, severe bullying, no school shootings/crimes, no education labels [ADD, ADHD, etc.]). Kids are dealing with a WHOLE set of issues in school today that we probably NEVER even would hear of back then....

Lastly, if it's helpful to you and your husband, maybe look into having a psych evaluation from the school district's resources? This way, it won't be as expensive (it might even be fully covered), and perhaps your pediatrician might come on board to give testimony if needed. It can't hurt to ask the pediatrician what he/she might recommend, too. At the end of the day, kids are kids, but they're people with feelings that sometimes can't be fully expressed unless we help them. Don't question what you do / don't do in terms of discipline, that only leads to second-guessing yourselves that can't be helpful.

I hope this helps, good luck, and I hope that everything works out with and for your son :)

Hi. I'm a new mom, but have been a first grade teacher for years so I will be speaking from a teacher's prospective. It sounds like your child is having trouble with the most unstructured parts of his day-lunch, the bus line and recess. I don't know your child or his school, but in first grade kids should be able to correct their behavior after only one warning, no matter if they are at lunch or recess etc. If they need to be spoken to a secomd time, there should be consequences. Your son also needs to know that there are also consequences at home for his behaviors at school. You need to stay in contact with his teacher and maybe you can work out a behavior plan that works for your son so that this behavior can be corrected sooner rather than later. Although I know it's frustrating, it is still September and 1st grade is a big change for most kids. A lot of the time kids who start the year off causing trouble tend to settle down after they realize that the rules are there for a reason.
Good luck to you!

Sometimes it can be a big adjustment going to school all day with 1st grade as it has more structure, there's the lunch which is a problem area for the most part and he is gone all day. Not knowing his personality, some kids need to have swifter punishment, or firmer, to get their attention. My oldest was like that. My second was not. If things progress I would start carrying over school punishments at home. Grounding him, make him print ten sentences, taking away TV time or favorite toys, etc. Have you had a chance to see what the other kids are like in his class? Is he getting bullied or picked on behind the teacher's back but then your son retaliates and gets caught? That happened to my oldest often. He ended up getting blamed for crossing the line when someone else egged him on. Try and ask more questions on the kids and teachers, visit more often to see what you can notice and keep up the firm talks and discipline. It may take time for him to get into the routine. I know it's hard having many kids, especially close together and having little ones at home. Try to give him his own time when he gets home from school daily so he feels like he's not gone all day and then forgot about because of the distraction of the younger kids in the house. I used to, and still do at times, give my almost 5 year old triplets a later nap time so when my teen gets home they're in bed, even for 20 minutes, so I can have some one on one time with him. Maybe you can do quiet time in their rooms a bit before your son comes home so you can have that time with him to catch up and make him feel important. It's hard being the oldest.

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

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Hi L.,

Basically all I want to say at this point is that I disagree that your child is on track to becoming a bully! Fooling around in line does not mean he is being mean or a bully. I didn't get from you that he was bullying and caused harm to another child. It most likely means he is a very energetic, 6-year-old. That doesn't mean he can't or shouldn't learn to control himself. But LABELING him a bully is the quickestg way to helping him become one! No, he should not be spitting out food or doing things that cause harm to others. It sounds to me, though, that more than being mean-spirited, he is high-spirited and has trouble controling his impulses. This is something he can learn but it will take persistence. If I get a chance, I will write more later.

Blessings,
K.

Hi L.,
I do understand where you are coming from. I too have been in your position, only my son is the youngest child. He is in first grade this year and so far so good. We actually had our trouble with him last year when he was in Kindergarten (full-time). I've heard it all from other parents. Your kid is out of control. You need to punish him. You need to take things away to make him behave. You need to send him to his room. You need to ground him. Well...we have tried all of that over and over. The principal called me at least every other week telling me something he was doing wrong. They sat down and talke to him at school, we sat down and talked to him at home. I have two teenage daughters and never had behavior issues with either of them. Never had a call from school. No bad notes sent home. Parents never said anything negative about my girls. So....I don't believe it's my parenting skills. It got me to thinking though....what am I doing wrong. So...I turned to the internet and started doing some research. Now I'm not a doctor....but I have read article after article and believe that my son may have ADHD. I read all of the symptoms and my son has every one of them. I couldn't believe it. I felt that the article was written about my son. I haven't had my son formally diagnosed by a doctor because they usually put them on drug therepy and...that's not for us. I found throught the article that food additives is one of the largest contributors to children that have ADHD. The article in our local newspaper yesterday said the same thing. Do you realize how much stuff has dye and MHG in it. I found out when I started changing my son's diet. Anyhow it's hard work trying to change him, but he's all worth it. No phone calls or notes from school so far, and his behavior is changing. I'm by all means not saying this is something you son may have, I'm just saying to look hard at him, his behavior, his surroundings, his diet. Maybe something needs to be changed. Nobody wants a bad boy. Don't let anyone tell you how awful you or your parenting skills are. Just sit down and really think about things. Go over and over with you son what is right and wrong. I found out...it really isn't me...it's him. He has a disease that is robbing him of behavior and sleep and other things. I can help him. Hopefully we can get him turned around. I wish you the best with your son. I hope I have helped you in some way.

I am not trying to sound like a B word but I have got to speak up. You need to deal with this now and seriously. He is a problem and you seem to to want to not believe it. He will stop teasing his brother after a few warnings?!? Are you kidding me. You keep saying he is "fooling around". Spitting food is disgusting and would you like it if a co worked spit their food in your face? No you would tell everyone and have them written up. It is also totally unsanitary. "Fooling around" in the bus line and some one gets hurt. Oh but no one saw it from school. So how did you hear about it? Throwing rocks on the playground? Really? He doesn't know NOT to throw rocks on the playground at 6 years old?!? You are not being too sensitive,in fact you are not being sensitive enough. He is already labeled a troublemaker and you need to deal with it now before it goes any further. He is on the track to be a bully and you are just going to let him do it if you continue to allow this behavior. You should make an appointment with the school guidance counselor and do whatever she tells you to do.

Hi L.,
It's so frustrating when our little tykes start acting out ... mainly because I know it's time for me to step in and be the tough one. At home you and your husband should eliminate the warnings and find some consequences that your son really pays attention to. For my kids time in their room with all forms of entertainment removed do the trick, but you'll have to experiment to find what works best for your family. I suggest also working with your son's teacher to reinforce the school rules---if he gets in trouble at school there should be a consequence at home.

At the same time, you might also try a reward system ... something like if he goes a week without getting into trouble he gets to pick a special meal. One month without getting into trouble and maybe there's a special outing. Or whatever you think might work.

That way there's both swift discipline and reward -- a goal for him to work toward.

Hang in there. D.

L., Don't beat the issues. Each event is seperate and over-talking them may be worse than just keeping it simple and clear. Reinforce the school rules at home and if he gets into trouble at school he should have consequesences at home...like a time-out. Once you deal with the situation then it's over. Don't linger on it! If the teacher doesn't think that there is an over-all big problem then most likely there isn't. Sounds like you just have a little guy with lots of energy that is learning some of the rules the hard way. Best wishes.

It sounds to me like things may be a bit lax on discipline at home if he would consider spitting food onto the floor anywhere at 6 years old. He must know this is not OK, and same with being warned by the school not to throw rocks and still doing it. Without freaking out, you should know, that no, you're not over sensitive, these are very bad things to do at school.

For instance, if he's truly not allowed to tease his sibling at home, he should get a consequence at the second warning, not warned several times. If he's sort of allowed to, then several warnings would sort of be OK. With blurry boundaries like these, he may think he'll get several warnings before he really has to stop throwing rocks at school etc. And he may not have a fear of consequences, if he's willing to go for the few warnings.

The last thing you should worry about are labels. It's not his image you should care about, it's his true behavior. He won't be given a negative label once he acts well, and he will act well if you make sure he knows there are consequences to his negative actions and that life is good when he does the right thing and all the rules matter at school.

Once you tighten up his boundaries and give him consequences at home when he does wrong things at school consistently, and when he gets used to the new routine (which all kids have to, that's not an excuse for defiant behaviors) he will improve. You can do it! Sometimes we don't realize our home standards are too lax until we see our kids in public. I got some surprises from my "well disciplined" daughter when she went to daycare alone all day, but once she realized she had to mind the teacher because I had eyes at school, everything was OK. But us moms are never in the clear, and always have to keep tabs on things! Good work acknowledging this now. Be firm!

It is important to establish now that your child needs to behave at school. If he does not there are consequences both there and at home. I always told my children (now 13 and 17) that their school was their work just like Mom and Dad had work. We have to respect our bosses and they have to respect theirs which includes the rules that the school has.
That said, my son was misbehaving in kindergarten during the unstructured times as well. I worked out a system with the teacher where I sent in a set of slips with each day listed and a space for her to note if he behaved well that day or not. On Friday she sent the note home with him. If he had all good days, we rewarded him with something special that was important to him at the time. If he did not have 1 good day, the reward was less and so on. It took no time at all for the misbehavior to cease.