Behavior Problems - Salem,NH

Sounds like she might like the attention so don't give it to her. Instead of responding to the negative behavior, ignore it.

If she won't get ready in the morning, then she goes to school in her pyjamas. I would give her 2 chances. Tell her once (cheerfully) to get ready for school. If she says "no" just ignore that and walk away. Don't respond to the word "no." The second time remind her to get ready and if she doesn't, she will go to school in her pyjamas. If she says "no" again, don't respond, just walk away.

When time to leave, grab her shoes and bag and put her in the car. Take her to school in her pyjamas and give the teacher her shoes. Explain to the teacher what's going on, she will understand for sure.

I would almost GUARANTEE she will get ready after this. Time-outs aren't working, taking stuff away isn't working, time for Natural Consequences.

This totally worked on my stepdaughter when she was six. If she didn't eat when we ate, she went hungry. If she wasn't ready to go, she went just as she was. It took about a month and she stopped running away and hiding when she was in trouble, she started eating when we ate, she got ready for school on time. The first time she had to go to school in her pyjamas she wore her coat all day long because she was so embarrassed. We never had THAT problem again!

Getting rid of the fighting was the best part. No arguing or stress on my part (or dad's part). I just believe that the world has lots of natural consequences for adults. People who don't realize this as children grow up to be adults that think the rules don't apply to them, or they wait for someone to "save them" or even worse, they make huge mistakes that are hard to recover from. I think we do our kids a favor by teaching them early that every action has a consequence--be it positive or negative.

Good luck!

Cursing, kicking, biting, hitting?

Time outs

Taking things away

First child (11 year old) didn’t act like this

Dear M.,

No, this is not normal behavior its bad behavior and since you say this is a daily routine for your five year old; it’s time to make some major changes. I suggest the following:

While she is in school, box up every toy she has in her room and put the box(es) where the child cannot get to them. When she asks about them let her know that she will have to earn back each and every toy by proving she can behave and listen to you. Let her know the days of asking her to do something more than ONCE are over!

If she doesn’t get dressed, take her to school or day care in her PJs

Cursing, yelling and violent behavior will have consequences; she will go immediately to her empty room (early bed, no dessert, no tv, stories, no nothing).

Simply saying “I’ll be good mommy” will no longer work, she will have to prove she is going to be good, by actually being good for X number of days in a ROW. I would say at least THREE days, but as her mother you need to determine this.

Do not ever compare her to her older sibling or other people’s children

Lastly, where did she learn to curse?

Blessings......

Right on NS. I've done the same thing. To school in PJs. Only had to do it once. Natural Consequences is a perfect way to put it. And yes, too many adults today never learned that lesson as a child.

Hi M.
My friend Stephanie also lives in NH and she had the same problem with her son. She gave him a nutritional supplement that seemed to work very well. I can connect u with her if you'd like.
J. H

Obviously she CAN control her behavior, since she does it at school. She just WON'T with you because she knows she can get away with it. Time out doesn't work for you because she gets out and winds up getting all your attention just to put her back in. The point of time out is to take away the attention but she has figured out a way to use it to get more. Pur her in her room with a lock or a "gate hook" on the top of the door on the outside so she cannot get out. Make sure any tall furniture is bolted to the wall (a good idea anyway) so she can't pull a bookshelf over on herself. Put her toys away for several days - put them up in the attic or in the rafters of the garage, or anywhere else she cannot get at them. Chasing you willl not pay off.

Stop fighting with her. A friend of mine says "You don't have to go to every fight you're invited to." If she does not get dressed in the morning, take her out in her pajamas! It's not so terrible. And she will NOT like it. You can put a change of clothes in the car if you want, but the first time she has to go into a store or to school in her PJs, she'll change her tune because she will see that you mean business.

Decide what's most important to you. If it's biting and hitting, then that's the greatest punishment. Stop letting her earn the toy back in an hour or 3 hours or whatever. It does away for the week. Period. Decide with your husband what the punishment will be, tell her NOW ("There will be NO more hitting, biting or cussing and this is what will happen...."), and then stick to it. Do not put yourself in a position where she can nag you or scream to get the toys back.

Let her keep any special item for comfort (like a blanket, or a teddy bear, or whatever she uses) and let her keep books if you want. Toys are luxuries and are only earned by good children who are old enough to know not to bite and hit. As long as she is "too little" to know the difference about how to behave, she doesn't get "big girl" toys.

You are in control of the situation - remember that!

Good luck.

I second the Parenting with Love and Logic resources. I boought the Lifesaver CD series and it is worth EVERY penny...I use them at my preschool for parenting skill building!
I also secondToni V.'s advice which is along the thinking of Dr. John Rosemond free yourself from the psycho babble of our culture and reclaim your AUTHORITY as her mother!
Good luck..you can do it!

there is a book called, "Have a new kid my Friday" by Kevin Leeman check it out

WOW - I am so glad you asked this question ! I have a 5 & 11 year old also. My 5 year old is identical to yours (except a boy :) and my 11 year old was not like this either. I know it's different personalities and I believe God gave my 5 year old this determination and character to face things later in life. But it still makes life very difficult right now. I read some great suggestions. I just wanted you to know you are not alone in this !

Well, she is strong willed to be sure.
Two things come to mind.
You say you threaten to do time out or take things away and then it gets to the point where you have to do it. So.....threatening doesn't work. Say something one time, then it happens. That's not a threat. No more goofing around.
The second thing is that she's good in school so you know that she is capable of listening and following instructions. However, at home, it sounds like she runs all over you. Not to mention cussing, hitting and yelling.
My son was never deliberately defiant, but he would dawdle about getting dressed in the morning and I simply told him he would go to school in whatever he had on when the car left the driveway, I didn't care if all he had on was his underwear. He was going to school like that. Period. One morning I went out 15 minutes early and started the car and you've never seen a kid get dressed so fast. I didn't threaten my kids with something. If I said it, I meant it.
Maybe you should take all the toys away and not when she's there to pitch a fit about it. She'll freak out, but it's better than her biting or chasing you over one toy at a time.
She is used to the dynamic that's been going on to the point where if you "dare" ask her something she doesn't want to do, she goes off.
You need to change the dynamic at home.
So far, she's had no real reason to change her behavior so you have to change the way you do things.
It will take some time and she will really rebel at first because her usual tactics won't get her anywhere anymore. You just have to stick with a plan and not bend.

Best wishes.

A lot of it comes from anxiety - which manifests itself differently in different people. Also she is playing you and this is common with the youngest children of the family. They are used to extra attention and they are the 'entertainers' or jokers of the family. All you can do is not react to her attention seeking behavior. It seems to be a phase she is going through. Your 11 year old did have any sibling rivalry - it is a different situation. It can't be compared.

Sounds like a strong-willed little girl. You don't mention how many chances she gets. I would try telling her that you will tell her ONCE and then the consequence is THIS. Then immediately follow through. I would also let her know that cussing and hitting are NOT acceptable and will result in an immediate consequence. A 5 minute timeout is long enough for her, or take away one of her favorite things to do like a favorite show she watches that day. Being consistent is key, and from parent to parent. Try that for a week or two and if it is still problematic, counseling wouldn't hurt.

hi M.,
first I'll send you a mental hug because I know exactly how frustrating a non-cooperative child can be. It is the pitts!!! Some kids have temperaments where they can "whithstand" threats, punishments and dominance of any kind. For moms, this causes them to be bald because we pull our hair out on a regular basis. For the kids, when they are little, it puts them at risk for being tossed out a window however when they are grown, it gives them steely resolve to tackle the toughest problems.

For the day to day stuff, I try to eliminate battles as much as possible. Don't want to get dressed? Fine, take her as she is. She may decide she wants to get dressed at this point. Or she may decide she wants to get dressed once she gets there. (then have her dress in the car). Let it be her idea as much as possible. If she goes into school with her pjs on, the teachers will talk to her. Now its THEIR beef and not from mom.

Besides eliminating battles, I will also decide what is the important part and negotiate the details with her. Listen to her protest and see what accomodations you can make. Better yet, have her come up with what it takes for her to do such-and-such. Giving on the options is a small sacrifice because the main thing is still accomplished and now without the big battle.

Another thing I have learned is how to approach things from a different angle and make them appealing. For example, I will never say "time for bed" because that would get a "NO". Instead, I say "I'm going to be first to your room." and now it's game-on.

I hope that helps. There are several books that I've read to help me wrap my head around doing things differently. These books don't use punishments that you need to keep making stronger and stronger. In addition, they teach your child great skills that will be useful their whole lives. They are: "Playful Parenting" "How to talk so Kids will Listen", "Raising Your Spirited Child" and "Kids are Worth It".

Feel free to write if you need an ear to vent into. It's not easy with the strong-willed ones!!

There is a simple answer to your question, and you hold it. First, take a look at your situation, and if you have really applied one known effective, typical diciplinary strategy on a consisitent basis and she is not able to apply what she has learned through typical dicipline to herself, then yes, it is time to have her evaluated. Pure and simple. I am not going to tell you if you have applied the dicipline consistently or long enough or that you did not choose the right one. You know if you have done it, and it does not matter one bit which one you try, if you did the job, really did the job with good standard stuff, and she cannot process it, then consider that she has some kind of a barrier that is keeping her from using this information. You know, and I would assume, that if you have an 11 year old with whom you applied the same techniques, and they worked well, that you should probably not be blaming yourself for what is going on now.

So often, I have been say, at a park with my youngest two daughters. My middle child was able to process typical dicipline and apply it to herself in a typical, age appropriate way, the younger one was not. People would look right past my well behaved child to castigate me for what I must not be doing right with the second one, who has the kind of barrier I am talking about. Don't beat yourself up if this is your situation, there is help.

Developmental Pediatricians are great places to start, if you think this applies to you too.

M.

My DD is younger, 4, but I think some of that is typical 5 yo behavior. I agree with the person who said she is used to the dynamic you have now and so that needs to change. I find that getting worked up myself makes it all worse (and I see it with other parents). If the kid is trying to wind you up (which it sounds like she is) once they see it working, they go with it. You are the adult and can choose to maintain your cool (I KNOW they make it difficult!). Decide to stay calm and matter of fact and you remove much of her motivation for the behaviors. "It's time to get dressed." No? Ok, end the discussion and go off and do what you need to do to get ready. "It's time to go." Not dressed, oh well, here's your outfit (which you've layed out the night before), get in the car in your jammies. She's 5, I don't imagine she will be wearing jammies to school every day. And if she is, well just make sure the jammies she has are modest enough to wear in public.

Threatening doesn't work. It can be like a dare to them. And since you are following through after threatening and she continues the behaviors, clearly the consequences are not working either. So taking away more stuff for longer or giving her longer timeouts doesn't seem like the thing to do. Some kids will treat punishments like payment for bad behavior. They want to do the bad behavior and take the punishment. It doesn't make them change their behavior for the better.

I think some of the misbehaviors can be prevented. Is it too rushed in the mornings, is that setting her off? Is she going to bed too late? Is she starving when she gets up? Does she feel like she is not getting enough attention from you because you all are busy? Negative attention is attention. And when the day starts off like this the dynamic is set and now this has become the way she interacts with you, yk?

I agree with the book recommendations someone made. They are: "Playful Parenting" "How to talk so Kids will Listen", "Raising Your Spirited Child" and "Kids are Worth It". I've read all of those. I think "How to Talk" is the BEST book. It is a quick read and really valuable for good communication with kids of all ages, and even spouses! That book may be helpful for you in changing the dynamic you have with her. Good luck.

I have been where you are....a friend recommended this strategy outlined by Love and Logic parenting - It works!!! I can not recommend this parenting philosophy/strategy enough! This ends the arguing and puts harmony back in your home ...Here is the web-site that describes the strategy/parenting skills...take a look and either order a book or CD (or get if from the library)...worked for me after only a day....follows the natural consequences that another person described.

http://www.loveandlogic.com/faq.html

Good luck

Hi M.-
Wow, it's sounds like things are really rough for you and your family right now! I do hope that some of these suggestions being offered by moms help you out. If not, perhaps couseling might be the way to go. Anyway, here are my thoughts on your situtation.

First, some behaviors should not be permitted - at all (kicking, cussing, biting, etc). There should always be swift, fast action for punishment - time outs work in our house. Set that expectation that those behaviors are not allowed at home, school or playdates. When you explain that expectation to her, have her repeat it back to you. You can ask her, "when you hit me, what will happen?" - and keep having her repeat it after every time out.

Second, try a reward system for getting ready in the morning. As a mom of 3 young boys, getting ready in the morning is always crazy, but I find that a reward system often helps me and them. I use lots of different ones. Our current one is a marble jar. When they are ready to leave the house by 8:07 am, they each put 3 marbles in the jar each morning. At night, if their playroom is cleaned, they put 3 marbles in the jar. At the end of the week, if they have enough marbles, they get 20 minutes of videos game each over the weekend. There are other "rules" to this for us (mables get taken away if they name call, etc) but starting out, I suggest keeping it simple. Depending on the dynamics of your daughters, this is either something they can do together as a team or they each can have their own jar with their own "reward". You can also use stickers the same way. Tailor the reward system to what is the most difficult for you. Perhaps, getting dressed is one sticker. Putting shoes on equals another sticker. Brushing teeth equals a sticker. The reward system REALLY helps. And, it is better than yelling at them. Try it for a week and see what happens.

Setting expectations, following through with consistant punishments and using a reward system will hopefully help. If your child is in kindergarten, you may also want to discuss it with the guidence counselor.

Good Luck!

Wow- she has learned how to work your last nerve! She's testing your limits and has yet to find your "breaking point". I would suggest the following:
-Have a little "family meeting" about what time-out is all about and let both of your daughters know (even though it doesn't apply to your 11 yr old now) that if they get up/leave the room, whatever- they will have an additional minute added to the "time". Remind your daughers (and self) that time-out is supposed to quickly de-escalate a situation and provide you both with time to cool down and reflect before discussing what happened.
- When you put her in time-out it should be somewhere removed from the "action". If she gets up, don't say a word, but pick her up and put her right back there and add another minute to the timer (yes, use a timer).
- Don't threaten- give her one warning and then just do it- whatever the consequence is!
- If you take something away from her, put it far away and do not allow her to access it (top of a closet, locked cabinet, whatever)

If she's good at school, then she has control over her behavior. If this was something organic, then she would have trouble in all settings. She is getting attention and a reaction from all of you.