Best Friend and Sister in Law Just Suddenly Lost Father - Out of State

Having recently lost my husband on January 20th, I would advise you to call her, fi she isn't ready to talk to you, you can probably leave a message offering her love and support. My cousin did that for me and I still have that message abd listen to it often. It is very healing but I have not been able to call him yet to thank him but I did send him and his wife a thank you card.

Hi There,

Sorry for the loss! Cancer is really awful...I lost my mom to cancer 3 weeks after my son was born. A lot of people sent me meals. It was great...the last thing I wanted to do was cook and I wasn't thinking about grocery shopping or anything. There are some really great on line places that sell sympathy dinners - they can get a bit pricey but they are worth it. I have to say the best thing we got though...was from the Ginger Bread Construction Company...someone sent us a loaf of their gingerbread and I dont' even like gingerbread - it was delicous!

http://www.gingerbreadusa.com/

You likely can't cheer her up, but can only let her know you're thinking of her. You could send her a gift certificate for a massage and/or a gift basket of spa-like things (fancy products and really good chocolate). Something that is essentially a hug in a box. And then a card that says that, so she doesn't feel guilty taking care of herself at a time like this. I have done this for another friend who lost a dad to cancer and it was much appreciated.

First, condolences to your friend. Second, there are so many good ideas here - some others might include going to Dream Dinners or Six O'Clock Solution (or doing them yourself at home) and making up a bunch of easy meals for the family and shipping them to her. Think crock pot cooking or one pot or strombolis...Cooking (the shopping and planning - not to mention the actual cooking) is probably not her priority and an easy-to-make homecooked meal would be probably be really helpful. Helpful is the keyword if you can't be there to do things yourself. Arranging for maid service sounds great, but she still has to do a lot before they come. Just arranging a schedule for local family and friends to come in and do 1 or 2 chores like laundry or grocery shopping or cleaning the kitchen or bathroom might be more useful. We do this in my mom's group whenever there is an emergency or a new baby (dinners and home help). Finally, it seems cliche, but a fruit basket is great (either whole fruit or those new fruit arrangements) since fresh foods are not always around (and casseroles abound) at this time and she is probably going to have a bunch of people around to feed and entertain (even though she shouldn't-that is just the way it usually works out.) Hope those help.

Hi C. ...
I was very very close to my dad. He died unexpectedly 4 years ago. It was a very difficult time for me. I still feel his loss on a regular basis and miss him terribly. It's very difficult to lose someone that close to you -- a Dad is irreplacable.
The BEST thing any of my friends did was simply to let me know they care. There was really nothing more I needed or wanted from them. I kept ALL the cards ... it's okay to send more than one ... simple "I'm thinking of you" cards work, too. It sounds like you're already letting her know how much you care, so I would suggest, keep doing that.
But! If you're looking for a crafty thing to do, then some type of scrapbook would be nice ... you could ask your brother to send you pictures of your sister-in-law with her Dad and their children (if they have any) with her Dad and just him doing things he loves. Put the pictures in with quotes and sayings that reflect her Dad's love for them and his life. You could even ask your brother to send you a list of her Dad's "famous" sayings to include in the pages.
When my Dad died, my stepmother had all four of my children draw pictures that reminded them of my Dad. She also had my aunts and a couple of choice family members write up a type of memory page about him, as did I. My children, my husband & I made a list of my Dad's "famous sayings" and things he was known for. She wrote a poem about his life. She had all of these things bound in a book and made copies for everyone. I don't know how much it cost, but it was a wonderful gift for all of us.
Good luck and bless you for being such a wonderful friend ...
B.

I just lost my mother 6 months ago and I would have loved dinners, laundry service, cleaning service, something to help out with the daily "stuff" that you don't feel like doing on a normal day, let alone when you are grieving. No one wants 20 plants or floral arrangements and of course your word to be there for her in any way you can is great. I just wish someone would have maybe gotten several family members/friends to pitch in on some things helpful, it would have been a great burden relief. Hope this helps some!

I lost my father to cancer almost 4 years ago & sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday. The only thing you can do is to be there for her when she needs to talk or cry or be angry. Grief hits everyone differently, so she may not act the way you think she should or would! I would suggest that you call her. Hearing a friends voice helps & if you don't call she may think that you are ignoring her even though you did send a card, email & flowers. Sometimes those things are not remembered, but the sound of someone you loves voice will be. The other thing you could do is phone a local restaurant to have them bring a meal for she & her family.

Hi C., that is sweet of you to want to help. I lost my father two months ago and lost my mother many years ago, and in my experience the best thing to offer is an ear. She just may want to talk about what happened, what her father was like and how she is feeling now. She will be going through different emotions at different times. You may want to just check in on her once in a while and say "how are you doing?" She may not want to talk but it but it will be comforting to know you are there. People and families do live far and wide, but there is a lot we can do with the internet and phone. I don't know if you have already done this, but I also think a simple pretty flower arrangement also does wonders. Also, do you happen to have a nice pictures of her Dad from the past that you could copy and send in the mail. It was wonderful to have those special memories around. I have got a lot of comfort from having my Dad's pictures, old and recent, spotted around the house. She will need time to be sad, which is essential for the grieving process, but will take great comfort to know that you are there. Good luck.

Maybe figure out a way to get meals to her, gift cards or something. Or a main services for a few weeks. Something where she can grieve without everyday worries.

Hi there....you are so sweet to think of something to do.
When my friend had a miscarriage I sent her a box of tissues & her favorite snacks and told her it was ok to feel the way she does and that I was there for her. For her to call with tissues in hand and I would have a good cry with her over the phone if she needed it. My friend and I are super close so she didn't think it was at all strange that a box of tissues came in the mail. I think I did tissues and chocolate.

I also think it would be nice to send dinner. Either have a pizza sent to her house some evening so she doesn't have to cook.

Not sure how much money you want to spend but getting a edibles fruit basket in the mail is fun and cheery. I am sure she has lots of flowers....And along the dinner theme.....Think of how great it would be on any given day for someone to bring a prepared dinner by?

If you go to bistro.com they have very affordable appetizers, soups, dinners and desserts. You could have that sent saying that you wish you were there to help out.

And if she is having people over to the house for after the service etc. you could hire someone to clean the house for her saying you would do it yourself if you were there.

All very simple things we would want someone to do for us.

Another thing you could do if you have a photo of her and her dad...frame it for her. A new framed picture for her to remember him by because it will take time for the pain to lessen. I hope this helps! I really recommend the bistro.com. Laura

Does she have flower gardens? One of my friends gave me a rose bush in my father's favorite color along with a stone plaque engraved with a memorial when my Dad passed away. That was six years ago and to this day I still walk through my "Memory garden" and remember all the good times we shared. Everytime it blooms I feel close to him.

The other thing I did when he passed away was make an album of him. It was an antique album I had purchased years ago and never did anything with. I used it to put pictures of him, our family, dried flowers from his funeral, special cards I received at the time, etc. Perhaps you could give her a special album that would allow her to make this?

She knows you are there for her, many times when we loose loved ones we need to go inside to properly heal. Good luck.

I'm sure you've already gotten a lot of responses as I'm a day late on this one, but I had to respond.
I lost my mother to cancer four years ago, and my best friend just lost her dad in a car accident recently. You need to call.A couple times a week if possible. Just a "hey , what's up?" not a sappy "how are you?", but you do need to let her know that you will always be there for her wether it is just for idle chat when she needs a little pick me up or for a good cry when she needs to unload.Just let her know she can call you whenever she needs and not to feel she is burdening you with her problems.
Nothing "crafty" is going to make her feel better, atleast not long term. The best friends are the ones who will listen, talk when you need and help you work through your issues, whatever they may be.

My best friend lost her Dad suddenly in August of 2007. While I live very near her and was able to be there for her physically as well as emotionally, I'm sure that your support means the world to her. I would say go ahead and call her. I'm not sure that anyone is ever really ready to talk about such things, but a call and hearing your voice might do wonders to help her get through the situation. One thing that I did that meant alot to my BFF was to purchase a keepsake locket that I found at JC Penney. The locket says Forever in my Heart on the front with a simple rose and I put pictures of her Dad and her sister (who passed away in 2001 from leukemia) in the locket. She wears it all the time and finds it to be such a comfort. It was a simple gesture that involved more thought than money and it was so much appreciated. Perhaps once things settle a bit you could plan a time to do something special with her, maybe a girl's weekend or something like that. Just be there for her, let her know that she can call you anytime for support. And keep sending cards/emails. Grief is a process, not an event and while people send cards/do things at the time of the funeral, often that fades away long before the grief begins to abate. I hate the useless feeling, so I know just how you feel, but you aren't useless, you are a support and a friend to her and I know she appreciates that.

C.,

I would send them some nice flowers and a care package. In the care package, I would put a photo of you two (if you have one), a nice letter sharing all the good memories of their dad that you may have, and another letter explaining how much you are thinking about them and a simple call me anytime reminder somewhere in it. The hardest part of losing someone is after all the people leave and you are all by yourself with your memories. I am sure that the gesture would be appreciated.

Send her a basket of flowers, just for her. Or go to qvc.com and order her a cake. They will bill you, but send to her. Their Balboa cakes are very good, or they also have Junior's Cheesecakes. (Or Order toll-free anytime by phone: 1-888-345-5788). I don't think she'd want something that will "last" because then she will always associate looking at that with her father's death. I know because I lost my two parents.

Hi C.,

Sorry to hear about your friend and sister in law losing her father. I lost my father very suddenly last June and it was the most overwhelmingly, horrible thing for me and my family. My suggestion to you, is make sure you let her know you are there for her. I would make the effort to call and not wait till she is ready. I know in my situation, I waited for people to call/contact me and let me tell you, I am still waiting to hear from people who said they would give me time to greive. There are many times I wish my close friends and some family memebers would pick up the phone and simply say "How are you doing?" Obviously everyone handles death much differently, but I know in my case, I like to talk about it because it makes me remember how much I loved my dad and how much he is missed. Hopefully this helps you....Good luck

C.,

When grief is fresh and intense there is not much anyone can do to ease the pain. Just continue to let her know you are there for her and available to talk if needed.

Many people feel the need to validate the lives of their loved ones. The last thing they want is people to just stop talking about them as if they never existed. Talking about their loved ones is a way for them to keep them "alive". Death is an existential experience that our limited human minds are incapable of reconciling; still we do try to make sense of it all and the death of a loved one can dredge up all kinds of feelings about life and death and "what's it all about?" Eventually we make peace with something we have no power over and simply learn to accept that things are occurring exactly as they are supposed to and we must trust that there is something greater than us all. If we have faith in "God" this is easier to do. However all people will have to learn to let go, we have no choice.

Like any other traumatic/life changing experience, talking about it (sometimes over and over again) helps us to process it (think of how many times you told your "birth stories") So be there to listen and don't feel obligated to find tangible answers, because you won't be able to.

Usually, in the weeks immediately following a death there is a flurry of activity; folks come in from out of town. There are "arrangements" to be made etc. It is the weeks, months and years following in which the loved ones are left alone with their grief; when many other good meaning people have gone back to their lives. So make a point of anniversaries, and contact your friend then to express your sympathy again. Believe me you don't have to be afraid of dredging up old wounds. Her wounds will still feel fresh on those days.

Helping her to plan a meaningful memorial is a great way to help her grieve. Sometimes months after the initial grief event people are more ready to celebrate the life of their loved one in a more meaningful way.

You are a great friend to care enough to reach out and find ways to help. God bless you and your friend!

J. L.

I think you are doing the best thing you can right now. Just letting her know that you are there for her is the most important thing. I am sure that in the next few weeks that she will have plenty of support from family.
It's in the weeks after everyone has moved on to their usual lives that she will need your support! I know from personal experience that after you lose someone you love you have lots of well wishes and support, food delivered etc. Then a few weeks go by and things get back to "normal" for everyone and they kind of forget about what you are still going through. Maybe they don't want to remind you or bring it up. But that is when I needed the help the most! I was still mourning.
I think the best you can do for her is to let her know you are there for her now. Then step it up in a few weeks and send her simple thinking of you gifts, have cookies delivered, flowers, cards, pizza gift certificates etc. This will be so much more helpful when she knows that you haven't forgotten what she is going through.
She's lucky to have such a good friend in you.
-S.

you are so sweet.. send her a gift certificate for a spa treatment.. watching her dad going thru cancer had to have taken quite a toll on her.. you could send her one of those edible arrangement things.. those are great. anything personal for her alone will send the message..

Hi C.,
I am in exactly the same position as you my best friend and sister in law just lost her dad last weekend to a heart attack and I feel so lost that i can't be with her. I am from Ireland and living here for two years. I too have been in contact with her - I spoke with her the day after it happened and have written and mailed her but I would be very grateful for similar advice - I would love to do something special for her. thanks

All you can do it be there for her. She know's that she can count on you and doesn't ned to be showered with gifts or attention. I know it's hard for you to not be there to comfort her, but sometimes when you lose someone like that you just want to be left alone, sometimes you want to be surronded by everyone so you don't have to think about it yet. I would call her in day or so, if she's not ready to talk, don't take it personally. Also she may not want to talk about the death.
As far as doing something personal, why don't you see if you brother can get a few photo's of her dad doing some of his favorite things and make a small scrap book. They will be able to have memories of him doing what he loved.

I would just send flowers with a card letting her know you are there for her. There isn't much you can do for someone but offer love and support at times like these.

Hello C.,

It is quite apparent that you care for sister-in-law and her well being during her difficult time. I would send food of any type. It just simply makes life easier for her and your bro! It also shows that you are thinking and supporting them without being too intrusive. I would google prepared food to send or find places in their area who do deliveries. Best of luck and continue your support in the long run... that's when it will get harder for her, as the people, the flowers, etc. start to slow down.

S. W.

Hi C.,
I lost my dad 1 1/2 years ago. Many of my friends got together and got a gift card to a local nursery (instead of sending individual flowers) and we have been planting around our yard. I have more interest in these plantings because they were purchased with the loving thoughts of my friends and they seem to be living tributes to my dad. Most importantly, DON'T back away and think "I'll call her later" - keep in touch very regularly (a quick phone call, email or card). People often don't know what to say when a loved one passes, so they say nothing. Keep being the wonderful friend you have always been...

Hi C., It certainly is a helpless feeling when you are far away; however, I do have a suggestion that has worked for me. A good friend of mine has a custom basket business called KT's Signature Baskets. She created this business at home while she was on oxygen 24/7 awaiting a double lung transplant. That was about 15 years ago, and she is doing well. She will ask you questions about the person to whom the basket is going and will create a very personal basket appropriate for the situation. I urge you to call her - her name is KT, and her number is ###-###-#### If she is not available when you call, just leave a message and she will get back to you. Please tell her that I referred you to her. She will ask you a basic dollar amount that you wish to spend and create the basket accordingly, and she ships anywhere. I guarantee you that your friend will be soooo pleased, because her baskets are so personal and creative. Feel free to contact me also with any questions. E. Taft ____@____.com ###-###-####

I just lost my father in May of last year, it was very unexpected because he was not ill. Having just gone through this i'd have to say that I agree with the posts that say send some type of food or service to her. The pain and greif are so overwhelming that day to day life becomes too much. So if you can offer her something to take away one or more of those burdens, it is a hugh help. Also be there to listen, call or send cards once a week or so, then she will know that if she wants or needs to talk you are there for her.

When mt best friends dad past away i let her know i was with her. I also took some pictures I had of her and her dad and made a sm scrap book of her favorite pictures, She loved it so much. When she wants him around she looks at it. good luck
C. & Adeline ^i^

Hi,

Grief is an important but painful process. The best thing you can do would be to let your S-I-L/friend know that you care. A phone call just to say, 'You are in my thoughts/prayers. I care. I know this is very painful for you, etc" will help her know she has a support system. Cards and flowers are nice, too. I especially like plants because they last a long time and you can look at them and remember the person who sent it to you.

About me: 59 year old married RN with two adult children parenting a 5 year old granddaughter. Our son's child.

I once gave a good friend a tree to plant in honor of her dad. She loved it. You can also find great ideas at redenvelope.com, although some of their stuff is pricey. If you're crafty, you can make her a small scrapbook where she can fill in pictures and memories when she feels up to it.

Call her-- even if just to say, "I know it may be too hard to talk about now, but I just wanted to tell you that I'm so sorry and I love you." You may be surprised. I lost my father to cancer a few years ago, and even though talking about it brought me to tears, it was wonderful to know how many people were thinking of me. A card. A call. A dish of food. Forget the flowers. They were a solemn reminder all over the house and made me sad when they started to wilt. And don't forget other times of the year, especially Father's Day and her dad's birthday. They are always difficult, even years later.

I usually have a tree planted in the person's name , you can pick the state they plant it in. the web site is www.treegivers.com

Hello C.,
Death of a loved one is never easy. Nor is it easy for us to sit by and watch our loved ones suffer with grief. I have found for me that it is a comfort to have a soul mate wise enough to allow me ample time and space to grieve, as grieving is a process, with stages. Remaining 'present' throughout this process, listening with attention without judgment nor with expectation is very helpful. Know that this process may take a while, and that the best medicine may be simply her talking to you and not necessarily needing nor wanting you to talk back. Be Peace, N.

Hi C.,
My best friend recently and suddenly lost her mother. I went to Refletions by Claudia on rte 20 in Marlboro. They sell lamps that are just beautiful and help you make up an appropriate card of sentiment. Then they ship it for you. They have many patterns to choose from. Their prices start at around $35.00. What I especially love is that the lamp doesn't die as plants or flowers do. I've always felt it's just awful for someone to have to watch something die right after a terrible loss or worse try to keep something alive when one is so preoccupied with emotion.
Hope that helps you and that your sister in law finds solace soon.
D.

Look for Jehovah's Witnesses in your area and ask them if they can get you a brochure called, "When Someone You Love Dies". It's gives some really good hope and encouragement for members of the family and friends.

Hi C.,
My father passed away 4yrs ago when i was 25 and the best thing you can do for her is to call her and let her know that you're there for her. Maybe she might need to talk to you. It's nice that you want to give her space, but a call is special.