Best friends...why Are They Sooo Hard to Make and Keep

As an adult, I now live miles and miles away from some of my closest friends...we'll go months without talking. A year ago we moved to a new area, I found myself meeting lots of other mom's and making so many acquaintances. A couple of these acquaintances have slowly developed into friendships. And I'll even go days without seeing or talking to these friends. People are busy! My favorite people to be around are my two kids and my husband, they always come first and take up so much of my time. Try not to read too much into things that other people do/say, it's most likely not you but busy lives that makes friendships hard to make.

One great way to make friends is to spend time around people with common interests. If there's an activity you like, try finding a group that does it. Maybe you can get out one night a week for a kid-free activity rather than meetups that always focus around kid activities..which can be tiring at times for moms.:) Best of luck to you!

Wow. I could have written most of this. :0) I have the same struggles. Don't give up.

I will tell you once I dumped people who were not true friends and who were stressing me out, I felt even more lonely. Now I have began to make other friends and they treat me with respect, don't backstab me, don't make me feel inferior, and bring out the best in me. I am going to keep trying to find these kinds of women and keep away from the ones who don't treat me with the respect and care I need.:-) When I settled for the not so good women, I didn't have time or energy to find the good moms.

As a woman, and as a friend, I believe I have some pertinent advice. We have all been there:

1) Women get mad over, stew over and think about the dumbest things sometimes. The way you talked to your friend was unacceptable. It probably hurt her, embarrassed her and she is now stewing. If this kind of thing were to happen to men, they a) would've never said what you did, and b) if you did say it, the other friend would've blown it off. We can knock men for all the things they do wrong, but here is one area they have down pat. Follow their lead. I cannot promise your friend will do the same.

2) Have more confidence in yourself. When you are whiny and needy (and we have ALL been there, so don't take this as a hit), people sense that and they RUN. Men and women alike. Think about all the things that make you a wonderful person. Your flaws and your attributes. What do you have to offer? Once you build up your confidence, you will find others are drawn to you. Just because you don't have any close friends doesn't mean you are not worth them. It is just a season of your life. There have been times in your life you have been surrounded by friends, right? Think back to those times, and emulate what you did then versus what you are doing now.

3) It is normal to have a select few people you trust. Husband is and always will be your best friend. Mine is. But he is TERRIBLE at emotional support. So, I have to seek that out elsewhere. I don't have a good mother, and I have no sisters. So, I feel lonely at times, too. But, I find solace in the few friends I do have, as well as in myself.

4) Learn to enjoy being around YOU. You are a friend to you, too. Once you really believe that, you will feel less lonely and you will find others are more anxious to be around you. Start doing things alone. Have lunch alone. Go to a movie alone. You won't believe how liberating it is, how much you enjoy it, and the confidence you will find from it.

5) Don't expect too much from people. I hate to be a pessimist, but people will very often let you down. It is OK to have a handful of acquaintances. You don't have to have a therapist as a friend. Seek therapy if you want someone to tell everything to and help you with your problems. Have lunch with the acquaintances, seek therapy from the therapist.

6) Really value what you have on here. These women, while you may not know them, are here, listening, reading, and giving advice. We cry with you, and we laugh with you. Don't underestimate that.

If talking to someone on a daily basis is the definition of a friend, then I am terrible at it. I don't want to talk to anyone on a daily basis, I hate to say it! My husband is my best friend and that's all I need daily. I have some great, great friends, but we're all busy. If we connect once a month or once every 6 months, that is absolutely fine for us. The friendship is still intact and I'd do anything for them if they needed me and I think the feeling is reciprocated. I can tell you that the needy women who have tried to corral me or set up a weekly get-together or who have unloaded their troubles too soon ... I run. I'm not a counselor, nor do I want to be one. I've been involved in friendships like that and I just don't have the energy for it. Now, I have a dear, dear friend who is having troubles right now and I am all ears and want to help. But I've known this friend for 25 plus years and I'm invested. Our friendship isn't based on me counseling her, it's based on our shared history, mutual interests and respect.

Hang in there, don't expect too much of people and don't divulge anything too too personal too soon. The best friendships are completely natural and comfortable and are a two-way street. Take your time, improve upon your confidence and put finding a BFF to the back of your mind for a while. Good luck to you.

I know that I cannot be that person for someone else. I have too much going on in my life to be someone else's emotional crutch. I have friends who are very dear to me, but no one that I talk to on a daily basis. I don't have that much energy to put into someone and what could there possibly be to talk about that often?? Some of my dearest friends, my life long friends, I go for months without talking to them. It's no big deal, if I need her or she needs me we know that we can pick up the phone and the other will be there, but I don't need to talk to her every day to know that she loves me and is still my friend.

I think that the way you talked to your "friend" was out of line. If I had a friend talk to me that way, I wouldn't end a friendship over it, but I can understand why she is keeping a distance. Hopefully she will come back around. Maybe you should apologize. I know that when I go to a BBQ, I am not planning on running around and playing kickball with the kids. I want to sit back and relax and visit and watch the kids play and keep an eye on them, not run around and get all sweaty and hot right before I eat. I think that you need to realize that the world does not revolve around you and you need to take into consideration other peoples feelings!!

This is really ironic because my niece is about to have her first child and she asked me last night what I thought the hardest part of parenting is. My honest answer to her- "it's isolating". People don't want to talk about that issue- we don't want to acknowledge that when we have children our attention is divided and our family takes priority.

When we found out we were pregnant, our friends were thrilled. Most of our friends (at that time) did not have children. They happily planned a shower, came to the hospital and stopped by to visit. Then the "do you guys want to grab dinner tonight?" calls started and we had to say "no thanks" or "if you give us some warning we can find a sitter"- needless to say those calls stopped and those friends faded into the background.

Our friends who do have children are busy- just like we are. We do get together as often as we can, but we just don't have time to chat on the phone or grab coffee like we used to.

Sometimes it does make me sad, but in all reality we have started making more of an effort in the last year. We invite people over more often & accept invites more often (even if it means getting a sitter).

I do believe, though, that finding a real friend is like finding your spouse... you'll probably run into her when you least expect it! For me, it has been a girl at work. We are really opposite on the surface, but the more we get to know one another the more alike we really are. We have lunch once a week and text/talk throughout the week. It's a friendship in its infancy, but I'm optimistic! Oh- they're trying to have a baby, so at least that's one thing we'll have in common!

What I'm hearing from your post is that you want a friend who will be there for you to support you emotionally and to do what you want to do. What are you willing to compromise on in a friendship, what are you willing to give? I have many friends who are there for me and I there for them in different ways.

One of my friends is the emotionally needy one and I can only take a couple hours per month of her neediness. With a few of my other friendships, we are friends because of our kids, we met in a playgroup and our friendships revolve around spending time with our kids so we don't support each other emotionally but do offer parenting advice and support. Other friendships are closer where we both share a lot back and forth. I also have those friendships where I have to do all the work to make a get together happen so we don't get together much. Overall, I don't have someone I consider a best friend.

What I would encourage you to do is don't expect every friendship to be your best friend. Understand that most women don't have time and energy to put into the deep relationships where they would be supporting someone emotionally. Some friendships are more give than take and vise versa. Put energy into your friendships but don't put high expectations on someone else who may not be able to maintain that level of energy into a friendship.

Wow. I think you just described me. Except, I haven't done counseling, because I've come to understand that only I can help myself. (I won't mention I'm doing a lousy job of that).

I'd offer to be a friend, but all I can offer is long distance, emails etc. Considering I'm in IL...

Here's the thing as I see it: friendships are relationships, just not romantic. People seem to use the term "relationship" only when linked romantically, but that's not the case at all. Sometimes, when you're friends for a long period of time, you're going to argue, sometimes feelings get hurt, sometimes someone needs to apologize. If it's a true friendship, you'll move past it, through it, around it, whatever works best for you guys. Desperation is never attractive in any type of relationship, but some people can get past it & not let it affect the relationship as a whole. You take what you need from each person you come in contact with & you give what you can. Hopefully what you can give is what that person needs & vice versa. If that's the case, then you've got a decent friendship on your hands.

I have a handful of friends, some better than others, none perfect. My one very best friend & I have been together since we were 12 years old, so right around 22 years now. We've had our share of ups & downs, 1 doozy of a fight when we were 17 that caused us not to speak for almost a year, but we worked it out. Part of what actually makes it work for us is that I live in Delaware & she lives in Georgia. We obviously don't see each other every day, we talk not even every week, but we've "been together" for so long that it's not necessary for us to talk that often. Now, don't get me wrong, when one or the other of us is having difficulties in our lives we're more likely to talk on a much more regular basis. We physically see each other about every 2 years. It's not ideal, but it works for us.

In your situation, you need someone on a much more regular basis, but you need to take a step back & look at yourself & figure out what you're bringing to the table as well. No relationship should be one-sided, they just don't work out long term like that. You need to swallow your pride & give the apology that's well deserved to your friend. You need to ask her to give you the opportunity to explain yourself & if she chooses to, you need to really be honestly apologetic because, truth be told, you likely need her more than she needs you, at least at this particular stage in both your lives. It'll all work out for you exactly as it is meant to. Hugs to you!

I hope you call up your friend and apologize. No matter her reaction, you can take pride in your ability to invest in a relationship and take emotional risks. Just prove to yourself that you can do it. Finding and maintaining that lifelong friendship is just a short journey from that point.

Define what you think makes a great friend. Then be that person for others.

Finding a BFF is kinda like dating. It can take awhile to find the right person, and sometimes you have a dry spell. But since you don't get married and live together sometimes a move or a life change can cause a split. It's tough!
Just like in dating the best thing to do is focus on being happy with yourself. Pursue your hobbies, be yourself - and if you don't know who that is then work on finding out.

I used to worry a lot about this sort of thing. It seemed there came a point in my life when it felt as though I was losing a lot of close friends for one reason or another. Then I started to look at my life as a whole and I had this knack for becoming really close with someone then the friendship just faded for one reason or another. I started feeling really sad. Especially when I would look at my brother's friendships and how long they had lasted and how close they were.
My parents never had close friendships growing up. My dad told me that people change and lives take different paths and friendships tend to get left behind. Back in high school I never thought this would happen. And I know it doesn't happen to everyone. But my dad was right it does happen. Friendships do take a lot of work and sometimes friendships aren't meant to last. And people take different paths at different times.
I think the key is to get over that feeling of having to have someone and focus on those you do have in your life. For me it was my husband and my family, more specifically my sister and brother. I focused on the fact that I would always have them. Then I just allowed myself to have a good time with others. I didn't specifically reach out to find someone to share my deepest darkest secrets. If it happened it happened, if not I found other resources, like at one time myspace groups. Or other sites like this one.

And then just let friendships evolve or dissolve. But just go with the flow. You may never find that friendship for life, but you can continue to fill your life with friends. And then just remember if anything you always have your husband.

As mentoned earlier friends come in all different sizes: passing by at the gym/park; the MDOs; husband's coworkers (spouses); and hobbies.

You have to learn to love you for you and be happy with you first. Then you can seek others.

Also some friends are for seasons. They come into your life for one or two or maybe five years and then leave with no explanation. Others continue on and become the friend that you want. Most of the time you can count your real true friends on one hand and there will be two or three that will come no matter what. Be thankful for them.

The trick is to be a friend to them and be interested in what is happening to them and not just talking about yourself all the time. Don't smother them with your needs it doesn't work. Remember that they have their own families and that they may not have the time to put into the relatioship to keep it going when you need it. But always remember a good friendship is a two-way street with give and take and not one side doing all the work.

I wish you well and learn how to do things on your own to keep you happy. Take up scrapbooking, sewing, painting, writing or gardening. They fill lots of voids and take up time.

The other S.

PS I had a friend who I thought was going to be my old aged friend with the rocking chairs but it didn't turn out. I will never know why she decided not to keep the relationship. But then again I may have been there to help her in a need and my friend felt it was completed and moved on. It did hurt but I did get over it and move on to many new and wonderful people and things. So keep a positive outlook and the friends will show up when you least expect them.

In your shoes (and I am in your shoes with many of the same characteristics) I would probably apologize to her for snapping at her. Even though you were probably hurt that she wasn't more supportive of trying to get the game going, it's just easier to apologize and keep the friend. I am a needy friend, too, and I have realized it turns people off so I pretend not to be needy which is kind of weird because it basically means I'm giving up part of the reason to have a friend in order to keep friends. Hmmm. Guess we will have to pay therapists to talk to about the deep stuff. I just tell myself that it will happen again sometime in my lifetime that I find someone I can share more with and in the meantime, I have casual friends. I like your quote, it's very true. I think for a lot of us the lifetime friends end up being our partners and families because the older we get and the more times we've been hurt, the less likely we are to allow a high level of intimacy in our relationships. At least you know you aren't alone in your feelings.

Best Girl Friends are hard to come by, but that is why they are your best gals. Sounds like the park was a place where there was a lot of emotional swings of words that where expressed. Feelings were wounded for sure, sounds like both sides.
Your hubby sounds like a great guy...and honestly we are our husbands best friends. Hang in there with your g-friend. At some point you may have to applogies to her and say I might have been out of line, I was frustrated and did not mean to come across so hateful. Wounds(feelings) need treated, and time to heal.
Humble your heart... and allow yourself time to heal too. That is why this question is on here...your feels are hurt too.

I think you need to take a few steps back. Find out who you are, what your interests are, the things you like about yourself, etc. Take a look at your family - look each one of them in the eye and be completely devoted to THEM, no one else. Make your family your first priority. Go discover yourself again and be whole again. Live in that mindset first - forget about everyone else. Get to a point where you can wake up and feel good about yourself everyday without effort.

Once you can do that, then you will be ready for a good strong deep friendship but more importantly you will be ready when it doesn't come that day...b/c if you love yourself first, then how anyone acts or what they do (or don't do) for you really won't matter.

If anything, look for friendships with women who are not moms, or at least women with older kids or even working moms. Moms of kids the same age as yours don't really make for the kind of friendships you are looking for. They are too busy taking care of their brood and if they do have time for friendships, its only on surface level. You might also want to join a charity of a cause you are very passionate about and make friends there b/c of your common interest and the time you'll be spending together doing something you love and believe in.

gl and hth

I agree that good, true friendships are hard to develop and maintain. It sounds like you had a good thing going with this woman, and now comes the hard work of maintaining that. Call her, leave a message if you have to, and apologize. Just acknowledging that you know what you did was out of line, and that you are sorry it happened, can go a long way. Even if you feel she contributed to the problem you need to be the bigger person and initiate the conversation and apology. After that the ball is in her court and she can decide how she wants to proceed in the relationship. No need to let one petty little outburst ruin your friendship. If you let that happen I fear it will continue to be hard for you to make and keep friends. I wish you the best.

I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time with this. I can understand how you feel though. I have (and still am) going through this myself. I met my best friend when I was 18. We both got married and she ended up moving to Washington state with her husband 3 years later. Ever since then I feel like a little lost duck. We do visit eachother and talk about 3 times a week, but it's just not the same y/k? 8 months ago I moved to VA with my family and still have yet to make a good friend. I was hanging out with a girl who has a son the same age as mine and we would get together weekly and talk or text almost daily. Our husbands work together and everything started out great. Lately though her husband has been starting to not get along with a bunch of other guys at work and has been just really annoying my husband. The last month I have tried to get together with her and she has declined. So, I'm pretty much giving up on her. I have met another girl who is a neighbor and she has a baby, but we don't really have a whole lot in common. Although she is very nice and sweet and I think we could become good friends. It takes time I guess. Me and my best friend have 12 years under us now and we have been through boys, and used to fight like sisters and here we are, able to forgive and forget and move on and I still can't imagine my life with out her even though she lives 3000 miles away. So, I understand how you are feeling. I am also feeling pretty lonely right now. My husband works a lot and I am home with the kids and don't really know how to make friends. I have also been burned by fake friends in the past and so I also have a sort of wall up and don't want to get too close to anyone because I know it won't really go anywhere other than just a hi, bye kind of thing. you are not alone.

I feel you 100% I do not know a single person I would consider a close friend. I'm a really great friend. I don't step on people's toes, I'm respectful and courteous, I'm fun but not crazy, I'm not needy or pushy, I let other take the lead if they want, I'm easy going, I'm helpful. But for some reason, people continue with their cliques and I'm always the one left on the outside. I didn't even have any bridesmaids at my own wedding b/c I couldn't think of anyone. It actually is pretty depressing to think about, so I try not to. I'm sorry, I wish I could say something more positive. This is one reason why my husband and I are a perfect match, we are our only true friends.

Hey thats me too!!

I moved from Chicago to Ohio 2 years ago. I do not have a single friend!
All my lifetime friends are no longer in my life. I still don't fully understand why, but i guess people change.
I have NO friends. Unless you count my siblings, b/f and mom.
I'm always lonely. I go way over my phone minutes cause I talk to my family so much to fill that void.
I made a few, what I thought were, friends out here. They totally screwed me over!
They only wanted to be my friends as long as I babysat for their kids. I was helping babysit a friends kid. I told her I could help every once in a while. My family only has one car and all the extra trips to get to this girls house was a lot to handle.
Well it turned into me watching her kid Mon-Thurs 10am-4pm for 2 months. With NO thank yous, no money, nothing. I'm all for helping a friend but she took advantage of me. It was so h*** o* my son too, because he would NOT nap at her house. So I told her I had to drastically cut back on babysitting, for my sons sake. Ya know what..I never heard from her again.

I'm always lonely. Kinda getting used to it..sad though

I recently started reading the book 'The Imitation of Christ'. In this book, solitude is discussed and encouraged. It is in solitude that we grow closer to God. Our thoughts are most pure when we are alone with God, and focus on God. One part I read said - just paraphrasing - that when we are amongst others we start the unproductive talking. It is so easy to fall into the gossip trap.

I have been struggling with the same thing about wanting that best friend locally where I live. Then I started reading "The Imitation of Christ" and I felt much peace, but admittedly, I still long for a best friend thats local.

I met my best friend from childhood at 4 years old, but she lives many states away and we've been apart for many years so the friendship isn't the same. But I still feel just as strong a connection with her. I just really wish she was here to go out and do things with though. I think it's really difficult to have a best friend that's miles away.

I'm about to hit a milestone birthday, if she was here I know she'd help me celebrate.
I have many friends through church, but none of them really know my age and that I'm about to hit a milestone birthday. Even if they did, I don't feel that close to them so I wouldn't expect them to celebrate my birthday.

I had a friend who I thought would be a best friend. She's local, but I turned into her free babysitter. Once she found other friends to babysit too, she dropped me. Not completely, but our friendship was much more fake than I realized. When she needed me as a free resource, she was very caring and concerned. Would respond to emails. Even invite me to her family get togethers. As soon as she was done with needing me as a resource, it all ended. I still hear from her and see her from time to time, but it's very superficial. I watched her put another mutual friend through the same thing. I don't like gossip so I didn't say anything to the other mutual friend about what I had been through.

Since this persons family is well known in the community, it's easy for her to find 'friends' to use as resources. This poor mutual friend was bending over backwards and babysat for her for free on a weekly basis for about 6 months. I thought I got screwed, this poor girl ended up giving way more than I did. I do feel sad for her.
One clue is that this 'friend' never wants to go out and do stuff with just the girls. We would invite her and she'd always decline. Sent the message loud and clear that she never intended to create a female adult friendship with any of us. One time she even referred to us as her children's friends. Made it very clear that she only communicates with us b/c our children are friends. The friendship was based on, will you be a free resource when I need one. She did ask me to do things with just her (no kids) shortly after we met, but that was only a couple times. And that was probably something she knew she needed to do to get the friendship started.

One other crazy friendship story...my husband's second cousin lives in the same city as us. When my husband and I first got married, we lived in a house with a swimming pool. His 2nd cousin would have us over to his house frequently. And he'd hang out with hubby frequently. He'd show up at our privacy fence unannounced wanting to use the pool. So annoying. He acted like we were all great friends. Guess what happened when we moved out of our house with the pool about 2 years later. We heard from him and his wife about 5-6 times per year. Again, they live in the same city as us, about 2 miles away.

I felt so burnt after these friendships and other friendships like these, I just sort of do my own thing and maintain friendships with the people I've gotten to know. But I really miss having a best friend locally.
I keep considering trying to find a best friend, but I know I'm busy and I don't like talking on the phone, so I just keep things as is.