BFF Forgot About My Long Term Illness??

When I'm describing a friend to someone I often forget to say "that black lady that..." or "the Native American lady with the white hair that is always helping with....."

I often forget details about my friends lives that I don't dwell on. She should have remembered what the scar was from though. If she sees you often then perhaps she just looked past it enough times to forget it's significance to you. That would seem like a good friend to me though.

I have a bad memory and if my friends were to get mad at me if I forgot something important to them then I'd never have any friends very long.

It is hard to realize that everyone around you didn't have the same experience you did, I get that, but she just sees past all that.

I'm actually very concerned for your friend. Could she have early onset dementia or some other medical issue? It really doesn't make sense that she could possibly forget this event. The fact that she sounded embarrassed makes me think she has some kind of issue.

I have a friend that on multiple occasions has forgotten my son died. This floors me too. Although she is not a best friend I totally understand why this is so upsetting to you.

Wishing you good health in the future.

Thank you for not erasing this post.

Was your friend involved in your life during the time you had surgery? I can't imagine a friend who supported me all those months, forgetting the pain and disruption in your life.

Really, how do you know she was not listening? We've listed several other possibilities. What you do is your choice. I wonder why you asked the question. Apparently you are not willing to consider other possibilities. Perhaps she's not of benefit to you. How important is she to you?

The short answer to your question is yes, I'd forgive them. But then I have several life long friends of 40 years.or more..We remain friends because we do not judge each other and are willing to forgive. When we are hurt or angry we talk about how we feel so that hurt doesn't last.

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Of course this hurts. I wouldn't let it destroy my relationship. I urge you to talk with her about what happened. Use I statements. I feel hurt. I feel as if you don't care. Then listen to her response. Listen not only to her words but also her demeanor. Be willing to accept the possibility that she is sorry and loves you. Consider the possibility that she's embarrassed and doesn't know how to approach it with you. Show compassion when it's appropriate. This really is about her; not you.

I'm having some cognitive changes, hopefully natural ones because of my age. I'm trying to put my brain around the possibility it's more. I've forgotten important things. I've been embarrassed and handled it by bluffing my way through. I've started asking a superficial question, hoping that the answer will jog my memory. It usually does.

I've also experienced not remembering until something jogs my memory. Usually it's when a friend starts to talk about it. Did your friend remember after starting to talk about it? It's possible that her mind has moved on. She adjusted to the changes in your life. She may not remember because you seem to be OK. Your body has healed. Not remembering could be the result of loving and accepting you as you are. Of course, you will always be affected in major ways. It's possible that she's buried the experience for any number of reasons. If her life has been chaotic, has been painful your surgery, now that you're well, isn't in the front of her mind especially if you haven't talked about it.

How did the topic come up? Is it possible that she does remember and you felt she didn't remember even tho she meant something else? How long and how detailed was your conversation? Did you say, seems like you don't remember, thus giving her a chance to clarify her intent. Did she say she didn't remember? Is it possible she remembers the surgery but not parts of it.

Is it possible she reacted to your sense of betrayal and just backed out of the conversation? You really don't know how your friend feels about you until the two of you talk. I suspect her reaction to your surgery is not about you. It's about her.

If your relationship has been good/helpful, I urge you to not let this one incident end it. Maintaining a friendship takes work. It means giving a friend the benefit of doubt.

I realize your feelings are hurt, and yes, you've gone through a very difficult year with very serious health issues, but would you really throw away a treasured friendship because your BEST friend doesn't have your issues front and center in her mind 24/7?

You have said in your own words that you had long conversations with her all through the ordeal. While you were going through all of your health issues and when you needed her, SHE WAS THERE---WITH YOU AND FOR YOU!!

During the whole time she was there for you, she still had a life going on, too. She may not have talked much about any of her issues or concerns during that time because she was being your support. Yet, surely, in a year's time, she had some days where she felt exhausted, overwhelmed, worried, had a million things going on. What person doesn't in the course of a year?

You say you are "floored," and now based on this, you don't believe she is truly a good friend. So, this one blip in her memory negates all the many times she was there during year-long multiple health issues?

People aren't perfect. If your expectations are so exceedingly high, I'm afraid you are going to be going through life without longterm friends. It's a lot of pressure to be the perfect friend over decades of life.

You ask if you should "forgive" her. Really, you shouldn't hold any of this against her at all. Instead, you should be grateful she was there for you when you needed it most and let this go.

If it's that troubling to you, before you cut her out of your life for being human, you should at least give her the courtesy of talking with her.

ETA: Friends are for seasons. When the reason is completed you or they part their ways. Not all friends are permanent, You can usually county on one hand the true friends you have in life. All the other friends are more so acquaintances and that's it. It is hard to loose one but it happens in life as we grew and change. So stop beating yourself up over her responses. Perhaps she feels she has given all she has got to you. What's that they say, when one door closes another one opens?

Original: I have to agree with the majority of the people who have posted that she maybe going through something personal in her life and it is causing her to not remember your surgery of a year ago. So give her some slack on it and have lunch with her to sort things out face to face.

Having cancer changes the nuclear family, the extended family and close friends in how they react to the word cancer. Do seek counseling to help you get over feelings not expressed so that you can continue to heal from the inside out.

I speak this way because I have had two brushes with cancer and am still cancer free. Family is good to lean on but you need a cancer group to express your real feelings of how you feel about the surgery, the scar, and the way some people respond to you or don't. All these issues change how you feel about people and how they react to you. The American Cancer Society has a list of persons who have had what you had and they can connect you with someone in your area to talk with.

Keep thinking positive and going on with your life to the fullest. Do stop and smell the roses. Do stop and sit and watch the birds or smell the air after a rain. In other words, enjoy life and see it in a different light -- you have overcome something and it has made you a stronger person. Also what was important may not be and what wasn't is now as your priorities have changed in life.

A huge cyber hug to you.

the other S.
Cancer Survivor 19 and 2 years

How old is she, A.? I have to ask that question because honestly, THIS SUMMER I found that my own mother forgot that I had a major surgery 6 years ago. I was absolutely floored.

If your friend is young, that's one thing. But when people get in their 50's, sometimes the brain just starts working differently.

Are you sure that she isn't at the start of memory loss? If she is, you might not know about it for several years. That doesn't make you feel better now, but if you dump her as a friend, and 5 years from now you find out that she has early onset Alzheimer's, you will regret that you didn't forgive her.

If she is flighty and only pays attention to herself and her own life while ignoring you, that's a different ball of wax. But it honestly doesn't sound like she ignored you when you talked to her about your problems, from what you say. As far as the scar is concerned, perhaps she just doesn't see it anymore. Not everyone can just "block" a scar from their conscienceness -- maybe she can...

Only you know what your friend is about. I do think that perhaps you need a bit more support than just her or your close friends/family. You are still reeling over your close call. I do understand. Two years after going through a lot of pain, even after a surgery (not the same one that my mom didn't remember), I was telling someone about what I had gone through and I started crying. I didn't realize that talking about it was going to dredge up such awful feelings as they did and send me back into tears.

Perhaps this is what is happening to you, realizing that your friend has moved past it so much that she didn't keep the memory of it.

Please think about talking to a qualified counselor. The social worker at the hospital where you got your surgery can find you a good person to talk to. She might be able to also shed some light on your friend as well.

A.

I'm hesitant to respond to your question because you remove all of your posts.

My longest ever friend is my best friend. We've been friends for 40 years. Do we remember each event? No. Sorry.

I've got a friend that moved from DC to San Francisco, we've been friends for about 12 years. She totally forgot about my hysterectomy. does that mean she's not my friend? No. It just means that it fell off her radar.

Have you stopped to think she forgot about it because it was too real for her? That it hit home that life isn't forever and things can change on a dime? She WAS there for you. What if she's starting to have Alzheimer's? What if she has short term memory loss that SHE IS NOT aware of?? IT's NOT all about you. There could be other mitigating factors in her forgetting about your ordeal.

I would be more concerned for my friend who forgot something. And yes, I would forgive.
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This is for when A. decides to remove her question/post:

I met "Jane" 10 years ago and we became fast friends. Our daughters are the same age, we attend each other's parties, hang out from time to time, and we talk almost daily. Usually it's FB, chat/text, but hardly a day goes by with out some contact.

Last year was a very hard year for me. I had a cancer scare, a biopsy, then a major surgery that left me with a very visible scar. People stared at me for months afterwards. Not to mention I felt ill for a very long time and now have to take several medications to live. It has been life changing. Of course, I had long conversations with Jane about this through out the whole ordeal. She has seen me and my scar many times, knew about my many dr visits, meds changing, etc.

We were talking a few days ago, and I realized she had completely FORGOT I had surgery, had no idea what it was for, or why I had that scar. She said she was "lame" and "sorry" but she didn't remember any of it what had happened. If it had been a long time I could understand not remembering all of it, but this was just last year.

Well, I am just floored with the realization that my good friend isn't that at all. I am just so hurt that she paid no attention at all, when I thought she was there for me. I'm always there for her and listen, but this sheds a new light on things.

Would you forgive someone for forgetting a life changing event in your life?? I don't see our friendship being the same now.

ETA after your SWH: We can read and understand she forgot your surgery. We tried to give you our opinion on WHY she may have done that. You clearly don't like our answers and assume she just doesn't care about you like you thought she should. I guess you want us to say she's an awful friend and you should drop her. So there you go.
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Not quite the same thing but I'll tell you what happened to me...I was at my moms house and she had a picture of a toddler in a frame that I didn't recognize and I asked her who it was? She looked at me like I was a complete idiot and said it was my daughter! LOLOLOL I literally did NOT believe her! My daughter is now almost 17 and I haven't seen a baby picture of her in well, forever. And she was a toe head and now a dark dirty brown. I simply did not recognize my one and only daughter! I felt sooooo stupid and I'm sure my mom thought I was on drugs. So it *does* happen.

My BFF needs a double lung transplant and is on oxygen 24/7 because she only has 18% lung capacity. I am very sensitive to her over-doing it and am always on her. However, her family just doesn't *get* it. They see her all the time and "forget" that she has medical limitations. I feel like I'M the one always looking out for her. But they simply are too close to her I think.

Maybe you can talk to your friend but really, I think you should just let it go.

I have had a weird thing going on lately, I can't remember the long medical term but it's basically low sodium and it can cause "confusion". It's embarrassing but I have had to mention it to people when I call them the wrong name or say the wrong word. I can't help it.

So she may have something like that going on too...you just don't know. I can't imagine that she would just "forget" you had cancer and surgery on purpose because she doesn't care about you. I think it's more likely that she has been busy dealing with her own things and then just forgot you went through that. She was there for you then and you guys have a good friendship so count it up to something stupid and let it go. Now if she start to distance herself or do other things, then you may need to consider widening your friendship circle. Good luck.

It seems to me you expect much more from your friends than is normal. My friends have been through a lot of stuff, as I have, as most people have. I don't expect them to remember every little thing nor do I remember every little thing. Sure I remember when they are going through stuff and they remember when I am going through stuff but months, years down the line, good lord, no, they don't remember nor do I think my problems are so dang important that they should remember.

I feel like you are the type of person who is reading this and thinking well clearly she didn't go through cancer or anything that bad. Not true actually but if you were actually thinking that that would be exactly why your friends don't live up to your needs.

In the end if you have so dang many friends that you can dump one over not holding in memorial to your every need for the rest of their life then of course, dump her. If you are like the rest of us with only a few good friends get over it.

Per your what happened: I think you are missing our point. She way paying attention, she does care, she had a brain fart and apparently you find her humanity lacking. Fine, dump her as a friend. Honestly I don't drill my friends enough, ever, to even know if they still remember everything all the time. It seems far too needy a trait for me to have. If I were your friend I wouldn't want to be your friend because I cannot stand people that dwell on human imperfections. I put my pants on one leg at a time and assume my friends do as well.

You choose to see it as she didn't listen, you choose to see it as she didn't care, those are your issues, not hers.

Interesting that you removed all your old questions this morning. I guess you don't want people to see your other questions where you expected way to much from others? Ya know the answers are still there?

What if she's just having memory problems in general and it's not just your major issues that she's forgetting?

Years ago, after I finished breast feeding our son, my dr put me on a statin drug to lower my cholesterol.
I was on it for a few years but to make a long story short I ended up having a very bad reaction to it.
Besides making all my joint feel extremely arthritic - my memory became very, very shaky.
I was driving down a road I knew like the back of my hand for more than 9 years and for 10 minutes I had no idea where I was.
I'd get things at the super market thinking we'd just run out and never knew till I put it away in the cupboard - next to 5 other jars - that I'd all ready replaced it - several times over - and took me over a week till it began to register that something was very wrong.
I really thought I was having early onset Alzheimers - and I was in my late 30's!
Well my medication refill got held up in the mail due to some bad weather somewhere and I did without my medication for 2 weeks.
After a few days of being off it - my joints were pain free - and I could REMEMBER things again!
Soon as I started taking the drug again within a few days my joint pain was back and my memory was off.
So I stopped taking it permanently.
My doctor was SURE it wasn't the drug but I told her
"Look. I take this drug I have these issues. I don't take this drug I don't have these issues. It solves it for me as far as I'm concerned.".
It's a quality of life thing.
Yeah my cholesterol is high.
Every time someone checks it they want to get so alarmed if it's in the 300's but I'm doing great if it's not in the 500's!
Taking a statin for me just makes life not worth living and I won't take it.

At any rate - you have no idea if your friend is having a drug reaction or a health issue of her own.
Cut her some slack and give her the benefit of the doubt.
Don't get your feelings bent out of shape over something she might not have any control over.

It isn't possible for me to know what is up with your friend. I can tell you that there are parts of my history, both far and more recent, that I can't recall at all. I mean I can look at a photo of myself participating in something and it won't even stir the faintest hint of familiarity. It doesn't mean I wasn't there or that I didn't care about it when it was happening. It only means that my brain did not retain it for some unknown reason.

All I can tell you is that your friend *was* there for you when you needed her. You say so yourself, that the two of you had long conversations throughout your ordeal. Her memory issues don't change any of that. You know what happened and you know she was a good friend to you. She even apologized when she realized there was an issue.

She was compassionate when you most needed her to be. Now it is your turn to extend grace and understanding to her.

Per your SWH: if you have decided she's a lousy friend who isn't listening, then why are you asking *us*? I don't understand. You wanted feedback and now you are saying we are all wrong in our perceptions and advising you to let it go. So, if you are offended, then I guess you are offended and that's okay too-- but arguing with us about how we should feel is silly to me. Either stop being friends with her or not. If she's a lousy friend, then you really don't need us to tell you that or give you permission to dump her as a friend. But we aren't obliged to agree with you.

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Let it go. Really. She has kids, has her own life, and has been in touch with you for along time.

Are you really going to throw out long term support over what is more or less a 'brain fart'? Really? That's pretty shallow from my perspective. I'm sorry you had to go through a hard time with your health. That said, what about forgiveness?

ETA: I need to add that I agree with so many who say that good friends are hard to find. I have two very old friendships -- we have had each others back so many times it's crazy. We've been steadfast to each other through thick and thin. It's not one moment, it's the aggregate of many, many moments. We've even had rather heated disagreements--- and yet, we understand the *value* of each other and are still friends, because we love each other for all of the good things we give to each other. And please, re-read Marda and JC's posts. It's easy to take offense-- much more work to get outside ourselves and our hurt feelings and consider that others have challenges too.

Oh, and my best, best friend is my husband, and you wouldn't believe the stuff he's forgotten! If I were offended every time he forgot important things, I'd be collecting alimony. Not worth the anger.

I guess my answer would be, what is the point to holding on to this issue?
It's a pretty toxic thing to do considering you have just had a life altering event.....

She said she was sorry.
Just because this was life altering for you, does not mean it was or is for her.

I think by holding on to this issue, you are erasing all that she did for you while you were sick (this is my opinion when you needed her the most). It sounds like she invested a lot in your friendship then.

If it were me, I would think the friendship would be worth a conversation just to find out where she is at with all this.

There could be a million reasons she reacted this way. Why not ask her (practice using "I" statements as Marda suggests) and then you can decide how you want to handle the friendship.

I'm sure battling your illness was a very scary, life-altering time in your life. You should have people to talk to about this, like a support group. Tragedies (facing death or near death) are hard on everyone. Some people need to keep re-processing them, some people deny them, and some people put them on a shelf to deal with at a later time. None of these are wrong.

But ending 10 years of friendship because of a misinterpreted response seems like you are saying "one mistake and you're out!"

If she took the time to take care of you, don't you think you should take the time to understand and forgive her?

She may have assumed that you have recovered, and that you are back to normal. Of course, after a life-altering illness and recuperation like yours, there's a new normal. Your perspective has changed. You've had to face mortality, harsh realities, and real difficulties.

But as for your friends, they may see a recovered woman. Your friend may never have experienced such an illness herself. Sometimes it takes a personal impact before someone develops empathy or a real comprehension of how a health scare can change a person. Your friend may not understand what an illness and surgery and the threat of death from disease can do to a person's psyche after the scare and the biopsies and the surgeries are over.

So please use this experience not to dismiss your friend, but to help develop empathy within your own heart. The next time you meet someone with a visible scar, or a bald head from chemo, or who's using a wheelchair, remember to show kindness to them. When you have a friend who's discharged from the hospital, remember to continue to bring them a cup of coffee, remember to help them celebrate each milestone (first time walking without the walker, or finally ending chemo). They may not want to talk about every detail, but you can explain to them that if they need a sympathetic and empathetic and encouraging listener, you're there.

And also, please make sure that you're recovering well, and I mean emotionally and mentally. I know, it's scary. But make sure that your life-changing event has made you stronger and more empathetic and compassionate. Don't demand that your friends remember every detail of your ordeal. Your friend may be trying to treat you the way she used to treat you before your health problems - as a person, not a patient. She may feel that not mentioning your scars or bringing up the details of your surgeries is the best way to help you understand that she's your friend, not your nurse, and that you still are you!

Let it go. She WAS there for you. YOU felt supported during that time. Isn't that what matters? So what if she forgot about your health problems. Obviously, she felt you were doing so much better and seemed back to normal that the event life her memory.

Don't hold onto this. Yes I would forgive someone for forgetting a life changing event in MY life. It wasn't HER life it was MY life.

Also, don't rule out memory loss. There are certain dementias that affect younger people. Keep that in mind as well.

I am glad that you have recovered from what sounds like a very scary time. However, I would forgive her. You will never forget. This is not the case for those around you who you share the details/experience with. This in no way implies that she is less of a friend or doesn't care because she is not engrossed in all the details of your illness/recovery. She was there for you when you were going through it and that is the most important thing. You are expecting her to remember and give the same attention and emotional investment to your situation as you did. I think we've all been in this situation in one way or another. It's emotionally difficult, but you can move past it.

I'm so sorry that you have been so ill for so long. You must have been so frightened and really depending on others for support. And if you felt so conspicuous because of your scar, you probably never got a chance to be out in the world and just feel "normal" if people were staring at you.

It really sounds to me like your friend isn't the type who can really give a lot. She tuned out somewhere along the line and just wasn't listening to you the way you thought she was. Maybe she was just mumbling "Mmm...hmmm" or saying "you poor thing" while you were pouring your heart out. I don't know - you were there and I wasn't. Some people just cannot handle medical info and they go into a "zone" to avoid it. She may have "arranged" to forget so that nothing was expected of her, either by you or by herself. Maybe she's terrified of cancer, maybe she's freaked out that someone young like you can become ill.

What's clear is that she cannot give to you on the level you want. I think you may need to have to reassess the friendship. Sometimes we need a friendship (or even a romantic relationship, or a job situation) so badly that we embellish the benefits and gloss over the shortcomings. You were ill, so maybe you weren't thinking as clearly as you are now.

I went back to look at your prior posts to see if there was anything relevant there, and I see you deleted every single one, regardless of topic. Maybe that means you aren't getting the answers you want from the women here either. I'm sorry you feel that way and that you made that decision. It makes it harder to answer you, at least for those of us who wanted to take the time to understand you and your background.

I wish you good health and more rewarding friendships.

I'd be more concerned about my friend's memory and perhaps worry about whether or not she is undergoing a lot of stress right now that perhaps she isn't sharing with anyone yet. Sounds like she actually was there for you when you needed her to be. Perhaps it could be your turn to see if there is something she needs support with. Maybe it's not about you.

If one of your best friends, who saw what you went through and was there for you through it all, can't remember any of it - something is wrong with her! I'd be very concerned.

You should call her and have the conversation about her forgetting your illness. If she still has no memory if it. Ask her why not? Remind her of when she was with you and helped you out. If she can't recall it, it's not a friendship issue, it's a brain issue. Something is very off.

You owe it to her, as her friend, to question why she doesn't remember any of this. Be concerned. Then if she starts to flake out, well then, time to move on.

I hope all is ok.

i just wanted to give you a cyber hug. It is obvious that this really threw you for a loop and made you question the friendship. I hope you'll be able to determine how to proceed from her and I will pray you and your friend will find a way to resolve this situation.

as a note to others, your stories of times you have "forgotten" have made me feel alot better. there really are parts of my life i can't remember with out clues from others. I envy those that remember what desk they sat in third period in seventh grade and what grades they got on their tests the second quarter. i can usually change the subject or give a non committal reply but it does worry me.

I was thinking the same as J.C. Your friend may have an issue that's interfering with her memory. It's okay for you to feel hurt and disappointed but try your best not to harbour on it so that it doesn't turn into more than disappointment. Additionally you may need to schedule a heart to heart w her, so that you can begin to heal and move forward. Sending a hug your way....

Some people forget stuff like that.

I have an illness. This has happened to me before.

I let it go. I am important to them, but my health details - they don't always remember.

Is she a good friend in other ways? If so - I'd let it go. She likely did listen at the time and cared, but her life important events are on her mind.

ETA: Now just see that this is your BFF. Ok that's not good. I get it. I'd be upset too.

Checked back to see if you added any more info.

One thing I wonder is - were these conversations over text/messenger, or did she visit you in hospital, at your house, where you opened up to her? I would find it much harder to accept that my friend forgot I had an illness if she'd been in to see me, or had helped me through it. Then I'd be really concerned about her memory.

The people I was referring to were old friends I bump into from time to time. I think it's really worth talking to your friend more about this.

I guess this is the same friend as in your older post about the birthday party invite.

"Jane" seems a little superficial and you see a lot more in her relationship as she is able to give back to you.

Maybe she has memory problems but if you have other occasions that are questionable just look for other friendships and let her go eventually. You just don't need this kind of disappointment. You have health problems and need to keep yourself in a healthy nurturing relationship. Every thing else is draining yor energy.

I think you should have a heart to heart talk to her about this and tell her how you feel. I know some people are more self centered and tend to think only of themselves. I also know that when stressed some people have terrible memory lapses. I would guess that she could be both of these...and that she blocked it out for some reason. She's probably embarrassed about not remembering. So in some way you should be concerned about her and how terrible her memory is...you never know, she could be going down the road of Alzheimer's disease or some kind of dementia. Or she could have major memory issues due to other reasons. But you still should tell her how this made you feel and talk about it so you can get it off your chest and she can apologize.

I would seriously consider the possibility of memory loss. Is she married? Can you speak to her husband and ask if he has noticed any memory lapses himself? That would be concerning. I am getting older and sometimes think my memory is failing me. But even accounting for "starting to age and taking longer to remember details" there is no way I could possibly forget about 8 months of cancer (or whatever) ordeal, with biopsies, surgery, etc.

I would be concerned. Not angry or hurt. Once you fully investigate whether or not there is a health issue on her part, then you can go the anger/hurt route. But I'd speak to someone else close to her and find out if she's ok.

Maybe it frightened her so much that she blocked it from her memory?