Big Boys Don't Cry?

If he's fine with everyone but you, I'd say he's doing it for attention.
I'm assuming you give him plenty of attention already and he just might be manipulating for more. It might be a HABIT now since he's done it his entire life. You say "I admit I have a very sensitive son", maybe that label has stuck to him. 8 yr old boys shouldn't be crying over the things he's crying about.
I'd talk to the pediatrician again, maybe a therapy session would get you two back on track.

Added: Something else just occurred to me to mention to you, mama. The clothes thing and the triggers could have to do with sensory integration disorder. Ask the ped for an evaluation with an OT. Make SURE that the OT has a lot of experience with SI - it's a graduate level study and you want someone with experience.

It's very helpful for younger children to get help with this. Your son at 8 is getting older - you should really get this checked. Kids with SI cannot help how they feel - their nervous systems aren't working right and it affects so many things about them. It is amazing what an OT can do to help this, but the younger the better.

Original:
I'm sorry you both are going through this. I think that I would ask the pediatrician for a referral to a play therapist. This person would observe him, probably at school, and then at home with you. Good play therapists are able to give you good direction on where you should go to get help.

Tempermental children are really h*** o* their parents. Sometimes it takes them growing out of it. But we need to help them in the meantime, and sometimes that means getting help. You are already doing a great job having good structure and a routine for him. That helps a tremendous amount.

Dawn

I don't know all the intricacies of your situations, so I'm going to suggest a book which I've found might be helpful. It's by JoAnne Nordling and entitled:"Taking Charge: Loving Discipline that works at home and at school".

My guess is that it's not just an age thing, it could be a self-indulgent behavior. I don't want to tell you exactly what to do, in case I miss a key ingredient in your dynamic, but I will say that when my son complains and whines, I mostly treat it as irrelevant and ignore it. Sometimes kids get into bad habits of crying about lots of little things for a while, and if we engage with them about it, that can feed it.

I think this book could really help you figure out *where* the whining is coming from. Would love to help more, but I have a little boy waiting for Mama to help him with bedtime stories and snuggles...:)

What is your reaction when he cries? If you're disapproving in any way this will negatively affect him and he's more apt to cry more. Try to be empathic, giving him a hug, saying "I can see you're upset." Then move along without drawing attention to his crying. Treat it as if it's OK to cry. Remind yourself that it is OK to cry.

As to whining, ignore it. Try saying, "I can't hear you when you whine" and then do not give him any attention until he uses his words. Tell him ahead of time that you're not going to respond when he whines.

If he doesn't come to you with a complaint, don't second guess him. When he's crying and whining about his brother ignore him unless you're right there and see what is happening. Then perhaps give him sympathy about the tears but ignore the whining. Again, "I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. and Use your words. I can't hear you when you whine."

BTW: it could be seen as a good thing that he cries mainly with you. It could mean that he feels secure in knowing that you'll accept him even when he's feeling bad. He may cover up his feelings for others.

Or it may be the opposite. He feels insecure with you and his feelings get the best of him.

Later: I also would try the approach given by Sarah and Robert E. He may be crying because he's overwhelmed or because he's seeking attention or even because it's just become a habit. I'd try sending him to his room to calm down. I would be sure to do this in a kind and sympathetic way. I'd say something like, "looks like you're really upset and need some time to yourself. Lets go to your room." And then perhaps put on some soothing music. Allow him to play. Suggest he look at books. Whatever you know helps him to calm down.

Later: Have you asked him why he cries? I suggest a gentle conversation about his crying. Perhaps read a book (find one at the library) about feelings and use that as a starting point for a conversation.

My oldest daughter did this and it was exhausting. She was feeling overwhelmed, not playing me. She was struggling to understand and dealing with bullies at school.

As long as you allow it - it will continue. If he gets his way when he whines and cries...there is no reason for him to stop whining and crying. PERIOD.

Stop coddling him. he's EIGHT YEARS OLD - let him set his clothes out by himself the night before school - then he CANNOT whine about what he has to wear - he selected it.

Homework? He has 15 minutes after school for snack and play - then after that - it's HOMEWORK. No tv, game boy, XBOX, Wii or ANYTHING until his homework is done. It should not take more than one hour to get homework done. If he can get up and complain to you about it - then he is manipulating you and you are allowing it. Set a timer if you have to. If his homework isn't done before the timer goes off - he can go to bed. YOU are the Mommy - YOU set the rules and boundaries NOT the child.

It is NOT your responsibility to make your son happy. I know that sounds cold, but really, he has to adjust to life as well. he will NOT always get his way.

When he whines - tell him you cannot hear him through the whining. And IGNORE any tantrums that he throws. If you said NO to something - it STAYS no - no matter how loud he screams, whines or cries. No means No. PERIOD.

He has been allowed to rule the roost since you let him whine and cry. You don't have to make anything up to him and give him his way - it's like you are guilty of something and making it up to him....I may be totally off - but really - at 8 years old, he can set out his own clothes. he CAN do his homework.

The smallest things trigger him because you are trying to make his world perfect and safe and all these other things. STOP! Tell him what you expect. Do NOT allow him to whine when he doesn't get his way. Show him what you expect - if you are going to school too - sit down and do your homework then too. Lead by example.

Stop allowing him to whine.
Stop trying to make it easy for him - life is not easy.
Stop trying to do things for him. Let HIM do it.
YOU CAN DO THIS!!

Well, maybe if it IS anxiety, some of the heartless advice thus far received is going to do more harm than good.
So have a heart, but be firm.
Is the morning 'clothing fit' just about not wanting to go to school and not the clothes themselves? We've gone through bouts of that with our son in 1st and 2nd grade. This year (3rd) is completely different.
Best advice my brother gave me was to stand firm, do not bend--be loving but make it known "you ARE GOING and you are going the next day and the next".....don't ever let him see a chink in the armor with regard to that--he will be like a shark smelling blood in the water.
How about the marble jar thing were he gets a marble for NOT whining at bath time, bedtime, dressing time, etc? When it's full, he gets a treat, trip or to do something fun & cool?
Find things (anything--stretch it if you have to!) that he does willingly and bring that to his attention with lots of praise. Like "Hey, Alex, you look great--I love that you got dressed so quickly today!" Lay it on pretty thick.

And, as my mother (mom to 2 boys, 1 girl) likes to say: Boys live to torture their mothers. Sigh.

I'll bet you see an improvement in this next year. I think that's a tough stage...still 'little' but getting way more independent at 8--might be scary for them. Good luck!

If he is fine other places, chances are he is using the what he see as the best tool to get the job done. He cries, you react. Even if the reaction is not what he wanted, he has your undivided attention for that point in time. Tell him you cannot understand him when he cries and send him to his room until he calms down. Then ignore him until he stops. This won't stop the crying entirely, but should slow him down quite a bit.

I don't think there's enough information here to say why he is doing this and/or why it's just with you and not others. Maybe he is "playing" you, maybe it is attention seeking, maybe he holds it together at school and with his god parents, but feels safe enough with you to spill his emotions. Maybe he's angry or jealous of his brother. So many possibilities...

My best advice are 3 books which have helped me better understand myself and my kids. How to Talk So Your Kids Will LIsten and Listen So Your Kids Will Talk and by the same authors, Siblings Without Rivalry; Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child.

Good luck PartyofFive... if your doc told you that it could be anxiety then I don't think bringing down the hammer on your end will help him at all. I think that anger and sadness are the two emotions that we, as parents, fail most often at teaching healthy coping skills.

I second Julie K's suggestions. Those are excellent parenting books, which will help you understand and connect with the needs your son may be expressing through his behavior. If he is anxious or stressed all the time, it doesn't take much more stimulus to send him into a strong emotional reaction. Could be tears or anger, depending on the child's personality.

Is there any chance you are the reason he cries so much? If its bugging you, do you yell at him? Do you make him feel worse when he is upset? Do you belittle him about anything and make him cry? If he is fine with others then something is setting him off when with you. Everyone else seems to think its for attention from you, so, are you giving him enough attention? At 8 years old I think its still fine to cry now and then. As a teen its ok too. As an adult its still ok. But if something or someone is making them miserable enough to cry it needs to be looked at.

Our girls are 2 and 3 and they do this... LOTS. I realize at their age it might be normal, but it is ALL the time. We started to see they were doing it more for us to come and comfort or at least just be talking to them about it. Soooo we changed it up.
We now say if you are doing to cry, go to your room (or just another room) and come back when you are done.
We just don't respond to it anymore. We are only on our first few weeks and it is mostly working... but again they are young, so we hope that this helps for when they get older! I know how it is to hear that whining!!!!

Something that has helped me with my sensitive son is to read up on sensitive children...they need a lot of both carrot (reward) and stick (firm boundaries/discipline)...you cannot go too far in either direction be all reward or all super strict. Sometimes one parent takes on each role an that totally messes up the child and the parent's marriage...say if dad is super tough and tries to "toughen" him up and mom is super soft and tries to make up for dad's strictness.

Another thing that helped me was to read up on temperament types...there are four types. My sensitive son is a melancholy...and learning about his temperament helped me understand him so much better. Melancholy's are their own worst critics and strive for perfection...so we are working on the fact we all make mistakes and it is how we learn (even his teacher at school is working with us on this).

Another thing we have done is put him in a martial arts class...at first I was skeptical, but it has done him a world of good. At first he couldn't take correction from the instructor very well and would melt down. I made my husband go with him...as it was tough for me to watch...but now he can handle the correction and pushes himself to do better but without beating himself up. There are still some tears occasionally, however, our wonderful instructor will ignores them until after class and then has a talk with him about how if he wasn't doing so well he wouldn't be able to help him do better by correcting him...and that class should be fun because it is okay to make mistakes it is how we all learn...even telling him embarrassing stories about when he made mistakes.

Oh and I ignore the crying and whining...if he can't use a nice normal voice, I can't hear him.

Good luck...sensitive sons are such a challenge...but I wouldn't trade mine for all the tea in China!! Big hugs to you!!

I have an anxious child. and, 3
2nd and 3rd grade were bad. Now he is in 5th and much fewer tears. But, in 3rd he was an on anxiety medicine.

you could contact your local children's hospital and ask for their psych dept. there is testing a psychologist can do. (that is what we did) He was only on the meds for a couple months. and for us, we gave then as needed.

I agree that this is a very delicate issue. It could be that he's just playing you, but if it's something more serious, you want to have it checked out.

So, I would take the safe route first and get him tested/talk to a therapist. Then, work on changing his behavior with you, in conjuction with a therapist if needed.

My 2 year old is VERY sensitive. She will cry because a character in a book is upset. But, she will also cry just because she doesn't get her way. We have to work very hard with her to explain "I understand you're upset because you can't do/get XYZ, but if you keep crying you won't get it."

Granted, it's different at 8 yrs old, but the same principles apply. If he's ok with everyone else, walk away from him or ignore him when he whines/cries. Acknowledge his emotion, but tell him when he's ready to talk/ask without crying/whining, you'll be ready to listen.

Good luck!