Birds and Bees Talk

i had my talk with my 11 year old when she was 9. she started menstrating so I kinda had to. You can touch on certain things right now but maybe not the entire birds and bees talk. She will probably start asking other people if she can't get any answers from you. At least mine did. :) that was fun. Good luck.

D. g

I've always answered the question when it was asked. If they are asking then they need to know. I never thought you should teach things twice. I would just use age appropriate terms. In this day it's amazing what children know. When my son was eight he asked me about condos. Come to find out he was talking about condoms so I told him. Apparently someone else's child already knew and felt like sharing so I had to clean it up. Tell her before someone else does.

Hi K.,

I think they should get the talk when they truely show interest in finding out the answer. They will find the answer somehow, who better than from their parents. I don't know what your beliefs are but I am a Christian and would rather instill my belief in them than the worldy view. That being said, I also don't think she needs every detail. You just tell her that there is a special bond between man and woman when they are married. Through this bond they are able to create a baby. That is God's gift to us. You could also explain to her that a mom's body has a uterus which supports the baby and keeps them well while they grow. Answering a question straight-forward doesn't make a child want to dig deeper for more of an answer. If they get a response right away they will think that is all there is too it. I think she will be fine with this answer until about age 12-13. (at least I hope my kids wait that long-if not longer :D). I personally would tell my children about sex because, again, I would rather them know the beautiful bond it is between a husband and wife, than the worldy view of it. So enough of my rambling. If you have any questions or need me to clarify anything don't hesitate to ask! HTH!! -A.

K.,
My husband and I were unsure how to approach this subject, too, since my kids were very curious when I was pregnant with our third child and later about breastfeeding. So we bought a set of books - they are age-appropriate explanations about babies and sex. The first is for ages 3-5 (The Story of Me), the second for ages 5-8 (Before I Was Born), the third for ages 8-11 (What's the Big Deal), and the fourth for ages 11-14 (Facing the Facts - The Truth About Sex and You). Each gets progressively more detailed, based on what a child that age can handle and have discussion questions to open a dialogue between you and the child. If you're interested, the authors are Stan and Brenna Jones. Hope this helps!

you should always be honest with your children to satisfy their curiosity of the world around them. It is so important to keep open dialogue between you and your children. If you trust them with knowledge, then they will trust you to answer their questions rather than look elsewhere for information. 8 is not too young to know aobut where babies come from because before you know it, they will be surrounded by talk of sex from their peers. Arm them with the right answers so confusion and secrecy doesn't surround the subject of sex.

Hi!
Wow! This is a great topic! I taught reproductive health to 4th graders and had an awesome training coach help me through it. The biggest thing I got out of the training was to not look at this topic as one big "talk". Think of it as an ongoing conversation thatg will start now, but hopefully continue well into adulthood when your baby is having your grandbabies. My advice to you is to answer her questions but only give her as much detail as she asks for. For instance, it may be the right time to explain fertilization, but no need to go into detail of how the deed gets done. try to listen to her questions and only answer what she is asking. Chances are, if you go further in depth than she is ready for, it will be over her head and confusing. Keep it simple, straight, and truthful. American Girls has a great book out there that addresses changing bodies, hygiene and the such...I think it would be a great book for your daughter.
Good luck!

My oldest is 5 so I can still get away with babies come from God = ) But I would say if she is asking you should probably start slooooooooowly telling her, on her level and in words she can understand. The key is to always be truthful so she knows that she can always come to you with questions and know you will give her honest answers.

I would tell her now that she is asking. Look around, there are books out there that are for her age. I noticed people are telling you that she'll learn in school. She is 8, so I am assuming she is in 3rd or maybe 4th grade. She is at that age where they are going to start to do the family stuff at school and they learn about their bodies. But to me, it's the parents job to explain. Just don't do what a friend of mine did for her kids. Told them that you take a pill and it grows. Oh boy I was mad.

S.

Agreed. Answer her questions. A book that might help as a starter into all sorts of "growing up" questions is the American Girls "Care and Keeping of You". You don't have to give her all the info at once. Try answering her specific questions and realize that this will be an ongoing conversation.

I still remember "the talk". I was 8 years old, and I was mortified because my mom decided to start it while we were shopping in a crowded grocery store! However, I think that's a good age, especially in today's society where you never know what they are going to hear at school. Be honest and open with her, and it will help her be more comfortable with any future sex questions if she knows she can talk to you about it.
P.S. I ended up getting my period about 6 months later, when I turned 9, so I can't imagine how I would have reacted if I didn't know that it was a normal part of being a woman!

When she is ready to ask questions, she is ready to know. Provide straight-forward information. Use pictures or kid's videos on the topic to help. Provide as much information as needed to answer her questions now...let her curiosity be your guide over the coming years and she'll spiral into deeper understanding of reproductive systems/health. Remember, you don't have to go into everything now -- sometimes kid's questions are aimed at things much more narrow than our big, weighty and well-considered responses!

If they ask you need to tell them, maybe not in full detail but they need to get realistic answers. If she is not certain of the answers she will ask someone else. That was always scary enough for me, thinking who she might ask next. I think our kids were about 8-10 when they started asking too. I am sure if she goes to public school, some other 8 year is already talking about it. Or someone one the bus older. Kids today seem to be exposed to things early, I wish we could keep them innocent but there are plenty other idiot parents who just dont care what the kids see or hear and want to be bothered, Its their kids who take it away. I found a book at borders for my daughter with pictures of how your body changes and what not and towards the end it goes into basic talk about where baby's come from. You may want to check the store out. I am also sure they have something that would help you explain it. There is also alot of web sites out there, I hear one on nick TV all the time. If I hear it again I will jot it down and send it to you. I just read someone else reponse and seen they recommended AMERICAN GIRL. THat too is the book we purchased for our daughter.

Dearest K.,
I am a mother of two children (a 9 years old lil lady and a 17 months old champ). I found out last night that my daughter started her period...she was very responsive and understanding to the information I was giving her regarding her cycle. Believe me, children know more than they'll admit to knowing. Just be honest, and fear not...that's your baby...and any information that she needs or wants should come from you, not the world.

Good Luck
A Cannady

Definitely The American Girl book. It is called The Care and Keeping of You. You can find it in local bookstores. Read it with your daughter but let her keep it so that she can check things on her own. I have two daughters, 13 and 9. We always talk whenever any questions come up. Keep it open, honest and age appropriate. Good Luck!! :-)

K.,

I think 8 is a very good age to go over this information! I have a five year old that is already asking the same questions, being so young I am very careful with my response but I make sure that I am truthful with her because I do want her to get her information from me and know that she can come to me with any questions or issues she has. If you are not sure how to answer her questions take her to the library and you will find tons of books to walk you all through it. The library sure saved me!!!!

Let me just say this: I grew up in a house where all my questions were answered, and sex wasn't dirty or shameful. I knew all the technical terms and was taught that love comes before sex.

My husband grew up in a house where sex was never mentioned, and asking questions was OUT of the question. He was told simply "sex waits until marriage."

Guess which one of us ended up waiting for that loving, committed relationship? Please, be open with your daughter! The less mystery there is surrounding sex, the more likely she will wait to actually get involved with it!

In my opinion, you need to have already started the talk!! We have an almost 10 y.o. daughter in 4th grade. I think the biggest thing about it is not to ever seem embarrassed. Just talk about it like it's no big deal. There's a great book by American Girl that talks in their language but doesn't get into actual 'sex'. Read a little bit with her each night and that will spark tons of discussions!! Don't be embarrassed or she will completely pick up on that and never talk to you!! The book talks about the changes that will happen in their body, emotions, bras, periods etc....Her school will also address these issues but, to me, hearing it all at HOME first is the key. Our daughter knows that I'll never lie to her and she has already come to me to 'check the facts' when her friends tell her something she's not sure of. Good Luck!!

when they ask the question they need the answer with a little sensor ship

if you dont answer she will feel like she cant talk to you and then you will be in for bigger and worse trouble, later.

tell here the bare bone basic and as she gets older ie when she gets close to an age of menstral cycle then you need to sit down with here again.

dont leave here swinging in the wind she might get the information else where and you might not like it.

I would say that if she's old enough to insist she wants to know, she's old enough to hear the bare bones of the subject in matter of fact terminology, with the injunction that being a parent is a huge responsibility and no one should do anything that could cause them to become a parent until they're ready. You can have the more in-depth talk about being "ready" when she's older. My five year old son knows the basics because he was insistently curious about where his 6 month old brother came from and I in no way feel that the factual and "sterile" version I gave him in any way compromised his innocence. It can be done, just be careful.

My daughter ask me when she when she was three...I was on my monthly, when she happen to burst into the bathroom, she thought i was hurt, i told her nope! just cleaning out my egg. She said oh, ok! And left it at that. Of course each time she saw me on my flow and new question was asked. I just answered the question, and didnt go into the whole birds and bee thing. Depending on your belief system and comfort zone, when a question is asked that is the time to give an answer.

NOW!!!! I know of 10 year old mothers... and my daughter is 9 and already has a friend in her 4th grade class who has "Had sex"-- Plus her friends told her about lesbians so I had to clear that up. Furthermore, with all the stuff they are bombarded with from tv shows, movies and even commercials about or involving some type of sex!! Answer all of her questions openly and honestly-- :) L. oh and make it a comfortable situation-- so that she'll continue to talk to you about that stuff.

I believe it's best to be honest, but answer in an age-appropriate way. The book From Diapers to Dating by Robie H. Harris is great helping you to know how to talk to kids at various ages by being really open but not talking over their heads. I know they have it at the ARington Public Library or used on Amazon.com. It would be a good resource to check out.

Also, I just googled "book sex kids" and there are a bunch of picture books that are geared toward elementary age kids that might be helpful as you explain this to your daughter.

This is such a great opportunity to show your daughter that she can ask you any question and you will answer her honestly and without embarrasment...what a great foundation to set for your relationship in the future! Good luck!

Okay, so this hasn't really been an issue with my 5-month-old yet. :) But, I did just read a really great article in Parenting magazine, and they have some good advice on their website as well (http://www.parenting.com/servlet/GoogleSearcher?keywordse.... The bare basics of what I read is don't give more information than you think she can handle at this time and don't answer questions that she's not really asking. An all-out-blow-out account of sex might just scare her when she's really just asking how a baby could fit inside another person's tummy...or something similar.

If she is asking, she is ready. there are a couple of great books to help you and her. My body book for girls, by Lynda and Area Madaras. They have a book and a workbook that you can read first and then read again with her. A second book for you is Sex and Sensibilities. The writer is a teacher at the Park school and she is very good. I taught sex ed to boys in fourth and fifth grade. I can tell you from experience that she has much more "information" and "misinformation" than you can imagine! the sooner you tell her about it and your values, the better off you will both be! If you wait, you run the risk of losing out to her friends who may or may not know what they are talking about. Since she is asking you, she wants to know from you. That will not last forever. Soon her peer relations will mean more than her parental ones. Take advantage of a perfect time to start a conversation that she can continue as she grows and needs more information.

It's tough to start, but she has her faith in you or she would not ask you.

M.

No reason I can think of to wait--since she's asking, do it now!

She's asking now, so now is the time to start with age appropriate talk. Make sure you express your values on "the birds and the bees". Now is a great time to open the lines of communication so that in a few years she might come to you when she needs to. She'll take her cues on how she should "feel" about it all from you. If you act all secretive and embarrassed, she'll do the same. Be open, be honest and let her know it's natural. :)

Dr. L. on the radio (25 years family phsychiatry) says to tell little ones that God has a special snuggle for mommy's and daddy's that makes babies grow. As they get older and this explanation is too little (they keep questioning-for instance my son asked me how they can look like daddy since they came from my tummy)then you have to explain more. The culture and media are going to inundated them with wrong descriptions so we might as well knuckle down and tell them right. I skipped a lengthy description to my son by saying that girls are like an electrical outlet and boys are like a plug. He said, "Oh!" and walked away pretty satisfied-he was 9 1\2 about. My kids have followed me to the bathroom so often when they were very small so they eventually saw mentrual pads in the trash or being changed. If they happened upon them, I would say, "God gave mommy a special baby bed in here (gesture to tummy) and he likes to refresh it very often. It doesn't hurt mommy (permanently-HAHA!). Then if he sends a baby to grow, it will be comfortable." I have been explaining to my daughters as they are a little older, that God intended for only married men and women to have sex so that mommy's would have help and resources. Dr. L. (a serious Jew) started telling her son (after he knew the basics and was in puberty) that if he engaged in that behaviour (which causes babies) that he would be expected to quit school and marry and support that girl. A little "fear of God". I like that. I hope this helps. I think kids will let you know if the description is too basic for them. -L.

Hello,

They say age 8 is when you should start talking to your child. I also have an 8 year old, but a boy. His Dad and I would rather be the one's he gets the info from at home than someone else or friends at school. There are some excellent books out there that helps and guides you in how to give the "talk", what to say and when. Check out Borders or Barnes & Nobles book stores. Good luck.

C.

you should always give the talk. not all at once though until either something bad happens, they seem to be getting to know more see something or are about to or just started their period/puberty. it's hard to say an exact age but for anything sense each kid is different. my childen are told in the beginning that when a man and woman love each other and want a baby they pray about it and if God thinks they should have one he helps the woman get pregnant. later they learn that that marriage is the ideal situation and that even if you arent married you can still get pregnant but that isnt how it should be. my daughter is 8 and i've told hera few time that a man and woman both contribute to the baby and its part her and him yet she hasnt actually asked how that works. one day she will and i'll have to tell her that there is something a man and woman can do to make a baby. until she asks or shows knowledge some how i wont be bothering her with it. go with your gut on what to say and when. say it too soon and it could change their outlook on life for awhile say t too late and you could be too late. good luck.

now.
simply, and matter-of-factly.
with ps and vs, no birds and bees.
please.
;)
khairete
S.

If she's asking, you need to be talking! Just answer her questions honestly and let her take the lead.

Hi K.,

When children start asking questions, it is time to give simple information. For example, show her how an egg turns into a baby chick. And see how that works. If that works for a while leave it at that. If she continues to ask. Show her pictures of a baby in the womb and how it grows.

I don't think you need to go into detail about how the process begins. Hope this helps. Good luck. D.

I feel it is an ongoing educational talk that starts early as a toddler. I guess you need to play catch up now. There are some great books out there for kids that explain "the birds and the bees" when parents don't answer the questions kids ask. She will get answers from somewhere else if she is asking. It would be better if she got her answers from you! If she feels safe to ask you now, then later on she will come to you for other important issues as well! Start listening and answering her questions.

K.,
I believe that if the child is asking the question the truth should be told. There is no correct age that anyone can say now is the time, each child is individual. Just answer her questions as honestly as possible, and now is the time to start injecting your beliefs as far as when someone should start having sex, but at the same time keep is simple, only answer her questions. Let her quide the conversation and she will tell you what is TMI. Also there are great books to get to answer her questions, books on the changing girl and exactly where babies come from in their terms so it doesn't have to be your words if you don't feel up to having the "talk".

It's o.k. just breath and stay calm even though I know you are freaking out on the inside. I know I do whenever I have a difficult topic of conversation.

A.

I agree with all who has responded thus far. Just wanted to add that for SO MANY people this is such an intimidating issue...

One big reason I think that you should be very open (not necessarily detailed, though) is to give your child the impression that even with "uncomfortable" subject matter that you are willing to discuss these things with her. You don't want her as she grows up to feel uncomfortable talking to you about serious issues. If you instill the message of "you can feel free to talk to me about anything" at this age and keep it going then you are doing something wonderful. It will only keep the bond of her to you closer and make her more confidant and comfortable.

If she is interested in the answers now....you should have the talk with her now. That way she won't ask the wrong people and get the wrong answers. In this day and time, talking with our kids about sex, the birds and bees, when's the right time to start being intimate with someone, good touches and bad touches ...is very important to the protection and welfare of our children. Keep up the good work! Lots of luck having that talk.

My kids are now 12 & 16. When they were 8, I would say Mom & Dad love each other, we come together & if God choses, we have a baby & it starts growing in my baby pouch.
As my kids get older I tell them more & more, because chances are your 8 year old has heard explicit stuff from her classmates & busmates! Always be honest but on their level, trust me, your 8 year old is testing YOU!! to see if you say what she has heard!!

My son started asking questions at age 4. I was very careful how I responded, not to give him the gory details but to answer only what he wanted to know. To this day we have a very open relationship and I hope that because I have always been honest with him he will do the same with me. At 8 little girls know alot more than they probably should. Your daughter is reaching out and these are the times when you can be building trust. I wouldn't give her more info than she's asking for-save the graphs and charts for when she gets her period. A simple honest answer will teach your child that she can come to you with any question, and by not making up a fairy tale answer may defer her from thinking you don't trust her or worse that you're clueless!