Birds and the Bees at 3? - San Francisco,CA

I think three years old is plenty old to know that there are private parts on her body that no one should touch but her or you if you are washing. You don't need to go into details or make a big deal. But areas on the body are private. You don't want to freak the girl out about those parts... ie she can touch them.

Just my two cents - I think it's appropriate to tell your sister about what happened and that it made you feel uncomfortable even though you don't think your nephew's intentions were bad, there's certainly more age-appropriate games they could be playing. Also at this age I think it's appropriate to request that the bathroom door be unlocked when your 3YO is in it unless it's her parents in there with her.

Hello T.: As someone who was molested by a pre-teen when I was only 6, I want to answer you and hope that you keep your child safe.
I have a question? where is a 6 year old learning this from? Are the parents having sex with him in the room? Are they not smart enough to know that adult viewing is just that adult viewing and kids are watching what the family watches!!!
You bet that you have every right to be concerned! The fact that he is acting on his impulses when YOU told him no, means either he can't stop or he is trying to figure out what all the excitement is about in his, and others bodies. He certinly knew what words to use.
I have to tell you that I am not sure what I would not have said to the parents- but for sure it would be direct and to the point. How do you expect his parents to help their child if you don't tell them??? How do you prevent another child from being molested at this or an older age if you don't address it now?? You aren't insinuating anything you are stateing a fact. I am a firm believer that it is our job and right to protect our children and if that hurts someones feelings then that is just to bad. Is your sister's feelings more important than your daughter's wellbeing and safety?
Your little girl is blessed that you walked in when you did and that you found them again when you did.
When my children and i have 5-- played camping it didn't come out like this-- it was lets build a bond fire that I had to worry about! If this child is being mistreated by someone else don't you want that person found and stopped??
PLEASE, for the sake of both children say and do something. In my case that young man hurt several others before someone's father beat him up then went after the parents. But in those days people didn't talk about such things and it was thought that a child would forget all about it with time--SO NOT TRUE-- your daughter is young enough and thankfully wasn't harmed that you know of she can be alright. Plese know that I support you 100% in going and doing the right thing as Dr. Laura, is famous for saying. NanaG

A six year old can't understand the significance, and the three year old won't even remember the incident for very long.
It is inappropriate, and I do think you should tell your sister, and keep an eye on them from now on.
But don't lose sleep thinking your child was hurt, or that your nephew is dangerous. Your sister can handle it with her son, and your daughter is okay.
It sounds like they both just need more supervision, and some clearly stated rules about privacy, kissing, hugging, etc. and how grownups and teenagers might kiss sometimes, but that is one of the things that grown-ups do that is not for children... like getting married, or driving a car.

Well these situations can get messy. If you are close to your sister than she shouldn't get upset with you when you express your concerns with her.

On the other hand your nephew could just be acting out something he has seen on tv or elsewhere. I would just make it a rule that when someone has to go potty that that person needs privacy and no one else should be in the room with them. I also have a rule in my house that doors are to be left open when ever anyone is playing in them.

On another hand this situation could be your nephew acting out something that is being done or has been done to him. This is why I say situations like this could be tricky.

As for kissing I would keep to your guns that family doesn't kiss except to say hello or goodbye.

At anyrate I wish you luck! Just be open and honest with yoru sister about your concerns. If she gets mad about your concerns she will get over it at some point. Just try to not place blame on anyone and I feel things will work out.

Tell your sister right away, I can see it happening 1 time, but after several weird instances, the Mom needs to know and I do believe your nephew knows better at the age of 6. My son who is now 9 had a boy at school abusing him (at the age of 6) and it caused severe problems. He is fine now and the other boy had to be removed from the school. Just talk with her and let her know what is going on and make sure you don't get angry, even if she does. What you said to the kids was just fine. You as a Mom need to protect your daughter, and be able to trust your nephew with her, after all since they are cousins, they need to be able to play together. Good luck

I would be concerned, too, and I would definitely tell your sister. He's old enough for a basic conversation, but your daughter isn't, I don't think.

Good luck!

I think it's normal.

Make up some rules, with your sister's help, that teach what you want the children to know. Possibly:
1. Anything that your bathing suit covers is private.
2. One person in the bathroom at a time.
3. Doors stay open.
4. Big kids need to respect the privacy of little kids, even if the little kid agrees to the game.

Six is old enough to discuss sex, so your sister might want to take the rules further. Maybe, "Don't play 'baby making' with kids who are younger than you."

Whatever rules you like.

I would be less concerned with my sister's feelings than my daughter's safety!

That said, if you two are as close as you indicate, you should feel free to express your concerns to her. Where is this 6 yo boy learning such behavior?!? He has issues that need to be addressed ASAP.

GL

Unfortunately, kids WILL be kids. And if not this, then something else. Biting, hitting, improper behavior and speech, you name it- the sky is the limit. Children see and hear so many innapropriate things in movies- even children's movies, but even so much more on television and from others. Your job as a parent is to spend the rest of the next 15 years trying to filter as many of these things for your kids as you can.

At 3 years old, your daughter's play with any others should be supervised - AT ALL TIMES anyways.
Do not allow them to play outside your view. Do not allow your sister to take your child with them for the day when you're not there also. Tell both children that it is innapropriate for them to go to the bathroom together, and they should not do it again. Sounds like personal boundries need to be explained to both children. The six year old should have no problem understanding what he is told regarding them.

You can certainly give you sister the facts about what you saw under the table - but just the facts. You could also say they were in the bathroom together and you went ahead and told them it was innapropriate. and leave it at that. Then be vigilent about watching them play. Hopefully your sister will follow up with her boy when she is at home.

If anything like this happens again in the future- you will have already laid out the history and then can approach it as a problem that needs to be addressed.

What are you worried that he is doing? and have you seen him doing any of these things? since you are so close with your sister, i would suggest that you talk to her; what has he seen, and is there any cause to worry about "camping"? i work with adolescents that have high risk issues. It seems that you are worried about sexual behavior in children. this happens. children are sexual, and it is not abnormal or maladaptive unless there is pain, force, actual attempts to engage in mouth to body parts or body parts to body parts, intimate, no clothes etc. is he a loving boy? is your child scared of her cousin? and would you be this worried if she was in the bathroom with a girl cousin of the same age who was pooping?
all in all, talk this out. you can never be 100% certain of what is going on in another's life and your nephew may have witnessed a movie or an interation that he is replaying that is not appropriate at his age.
good luck

I think your instinct to protect your daughter is right on. You do need to tell your sister and the two of you should talk to the kids together and give them the boundaries they need. The behavior you saw may be just playing but cannot be allowed to continue.

I wouldn't overreact just yet -- just keep an eye on them. If he keeps getting your daughter in rooms and shutting the door and trying to kiss her (or whatever) then something is amiss. At that point your sister should know because it is not normal for a 6 year old boy to be so sexual and I would wonder where he is getting it from.

I don't have a sister and don't know what your relationship is like with yours, but if you two are close I would think you could tell her about it now. If my kid were acting inappropriately, I personally would want to know, but people can be really weird about hearing things about their kids, I have discovered.

Hey T., my name is S. and I am not gonna be long because I agree with what everybody said. Talk to your sis without accusing her son of anything. She just need to talk to him about boundaries and hold him accountable to them. I have 4 kids (9, 7, 31/2 and 1.) Just one thing: Always talk to children letting them know that kissing and hugging is a beautiful thing and God created it because it was good but only when within boundaries, that is when they are older and married not anytime before. A book I recommend for children is "The princess and the kiss". Kids love the story and will remember it.
You do not want them to grow up thinking that there is anything wrong with kissing and such, it has been created for our enjoyment but only between a man and woman when they are older and married. Well, that is what I teach my children and they understand it perfectly. Hope it helps.
God bless.

I understand your concern, and I think that what you saw was indeed inappropriate, although also totally normal exploration. The key is that they don't get the boundaries yet, so that's we are for as parents. I would definitely talk to your sister about it, and to take some of the heat off you as far as offending her: approach her to seek her help in solving a potential problem. You don't have to feel like you are tattling or accusing if you're not. You are helping her too in giving her information about her son she may not have known, or maybe she knows where it's coming from and can address it. Ultimately, you need her help in talking to her son, it can be hard to be the other parent telling a kid how to act or not.

Dear T.,
It sounds to me like your nephew has seen some things that he shouldn't see. Either on TV, at home, or somewhere. At 6 he has no idea what all this kissing or laying on people is all about, but there is a curiosity there that should be handled by your sister. I don't think your daughter is likely any worse for wear at this point. I've even seen little kids on America's Funniest Videos grabbing and kissing each other at wedding receptions. It doesn't automatically mean they're little perverts. They are mimicking.
You are right to be concerned and now is as good a time as any to teach bathroom and nudity boundaries, etc. And definitely keep an eye on those kids.
I have a nephew who is 4 years older than my son and his favorite thing to do was haul off and punch my son. Out of the blue, for no reason. I know for a fact he's never seen any punching at home and it pissed me off. He's on the hyper side while my son is very mellow and one day my nephew told me he hit him because he kept thinking my son would eventually hit him back. I said, "My son has been taught NOT to hit and you're just being downright mean." He actually loves my son very much, he's his favorite cousin but I had to have talks with my sister about the hitting because I said I wasn't going to let my son stay with them anymore. And even when I was there, I wouldn't let my son go anywhere with him unsupervised. It hurt her feelings, but my son was getting punched. And there wasn't anything that could be construed as a sexual nature, but the principle was the same. I didn't bring my son around to get hit by his cousin.
I also have a friend whose son was ga-ga over bra and panty ads in the paper. There is normal curiosity, but we don't experiment on our little cousins. Or anybody for that matter. Just talk to your sister in a non-accusatory way so you can nip it in the bud. Chances are when your nephew is older, he would die of embarrassment if you told the story of the time you caught them kissing under the kitchen table because there is most likely nothing maliciously intended on his part. And 10 years from now, he probably won't even remember it.
Just keep a close eye, talk to your sister.
Best of wishes.

At three and six, I believe you need to be helping these kids learn privacy issues. Don't allow them to be in any situation where you are uncomfortable about their behavior. You don't know just what information your nephew is getting from people, TV, school, etc. He could be simply playing, but again he could be getting some too adult ideas from somewhere and trying them out. Don't make him out to be the "bad guy" or give your daughter reason to fear him. Just be more alert and watchful while they play and are together.
As for how to talk with your sister about this, I think I'd just say something like "I've noticed our kids seem to have hit an 'experimentation' stage, and we need to watch them closely as they are playing together". Don't put the blame on her son, but make it sound like it's just a kid thing they are both doing. She will likely lead out if she's seen more on her son's part and you can follow her lead in any further discussion.

Go to your sister and tell her what your kids were doing. Make sure it isn't an accusation (or comes off as if you are saying her little boy is a pervert. She needs to talk to him about boundaries and sex. I don't think they were doing anything wrong, but he is old enough to know that what he was doing was too adult for his age (although this exploration is age appropriate).

If you talk to your sister as if you are in it together, you will have an ally. It is ok to let her know that you are uncomfortable and not sure of what to do.

One of the greatest gifts we moms have is our gut instinct. It is a very accurate guide. When you feel it never ignore it. I would be alarmed and on guard for your daughter.I'd rather error on the side of caution but I'm sure there's no error in your feelings.They should not be allowed to be alone at all. This needs to be loving followed up with your sister. Best wishes

Hi T.,

It sounds like your 6yo nephew is mimicking what he has seen while camping. He may have seen something his parents didn't think he would see. I don't think it is malicious but his mother should be told so that he can have a talk. Just do it gently. I would say something like "Hey sis, your son and my daughter have been a little too curious lately about 'camping'. Your son has been asking my daughter to kiss him and lay on top of him. I have told my daughter that it is not OK to kiss hr cousin on the lips and that she is not to lay on top of him any more and that they should not be looking at each others private parts. Could you talk with your son?"

I started giving my children a little more information about birds and bees as they started showing they were curious or they started asking questions. It started at about 6 or 7 with my oldest and I wanted her to get the information from me, not her friends.

I know that there are many better ways to say it, but I am kind of direct (to a fault) and I feel that it is important for my siblings to know where I draw the line for my own children. Usually they are very accommodating (I am the oldest of eight kids but I have some of the youngest children).

I hope this helps.

D.