Birthday Party aftermath...guest Blabbing at School

I get being sensitive, but he needs to get over this. There is absolutely no way that I woudl expect a group of 7, 8, 9yos to keep their traps shut about a party, before or after. If it's that important to him, then he should have invited everybody. If he's going to be selective, then he needs to develop the skin and words to deal with the aftermath. He did not do a bad thing. Kids won't always understand that, and that includes him.

I don't see why there should be an expectation to keep the party a secret. Honesty is always the best policy.

An 8 year old who is excited about something can't keep a secret. Especially a boy! Sorry - expecting way, way too much!

I think it's healthier to teach your son how to effectively and kindly deal with not pleasing everyone than it is to control other kids and force them not to say anything. Allowing him to constantly try to please everyone is teaching him poor boundaries and to be a doormat.

Instead of being sneaky and hiding the fact that he's having a party and can't invite everyone, he can be honest and kind about the reason why. Perhaps he could put the onus on you. "I'm sorry I can't invite everyone. My mom said I can only invite 6 kids. I would love to have you all at my party, but I have to do what my mom asks. I hope we can get together and hang out another time."

I think it's unrealistic and unfair to expect an 8 yr old boy to keep quiet. Particularly a kid that already did the very thing he was asked not to do the year before! You can ask, but I wouldn't really have the expectation that he'd follow it.

That said, I'd use this as a chance to teach your son about being direct and how to politely handle other people's feelings. Clearly avoidance and passive aggressive behavior is not a way to go through life. Teach him how to politely tackle things head on, and it will set a strong foundation for him as a man.

And honestly, if my kid was the "party blabber", my response would be what I typed in the very first line. What did you expect?

Honestly it's unreasonable to expect others at that age not to talk about something. The friend was excited he had a great time...your son feels let down. At the same time chances are he will get over this very fast. Everything seems like it's the end of the world at that age. It's not an uncommon reaction but kids should know that they can't control others reactions and only their own.

I would honestly drop it and just choose your battles

Your son is thoughtful and sensitive towards others. That's wonderful, so take a moment to appreciate that. I know you already do!

Now, have a brief talk with your son -- brief because if you over-talk this with him it only gives a sensitive child more to brood over. Try something along the lines of: "It's really nice of you to want to be sure nobody's feelings get hurt. But you did your very best to ensure that everything was OK, and that the party didn't get discussed, yet it still did. I think this is a really good lesson in showing that you can't control other people and what they do or say. Zack is your friend and had such a good time here that he couldn't help sharing it, and while that isn't what you really wanted, it's done. The other boys who weren't invited will be OK. Think of it this way: There surely have been parties among your schoolmates and you were not invited to those parties. Would you be upset if you knew, or would you be able to say, hey, that's cool, because not all parties can be big enough for everyone, and I too had a party where I had to make choices? That's what these boys will learn too. Everyone has a time when they don't get invited and it does not mean that you're being bad to them. Just like when they don't invite you, it does not mean they are being bad to YOU. They'll forget it soon." Then change the topic and stay off it. He has to process this for himself.

Please do not call the mom of the kid who "told." She very likely already knows her son tends to blurt out stuff. That is how most kids this age are -- more like that boy than like your own son who was focused on keeping it quiet. Telling the boy after the fact to be discreet will not put the cat back into the bag nor will it teach the boy any real lesson--again, kids this age have a hard time resisting this kind of a blab. He probably already knows he did something that displeased his friend, your son, and probalby already feels bad about it (at least to a degree). Let that go.

It was not a silly expectation, but an unrealistic one, to expect kids this age to keep totally silent about a fun time they just had. But do not cave to the idea now that your son must invite every single classmate to every event from now on. That's utterly unrealistic. Kids need to learn by elementary school that not everyone can be invited and it's fine to have a smaller group of closer friends as long as you are kind to the whole group when the whole group is together.

I would just let it go. His friend had a great time and wanted to share it with the class. It doesn't sound like there was malice behind it. It's not fight club, it's a birthday party. It wasn't your son boasting about his own party to everyone, it was his guest who simply mentioned a movie.

And it is super sweet that your son is so sensitive to everyone's feelings, but it's impossible to make everyone happy in these situations. You can't invite everyone to every party and event. Just as your son is not invited to every party. I would simply acknowledge that my son was irritated with is friend, explain that his friend was just excited about such a good time and then compliment him on how it was handled. There is no need to make more drama around this or do something to upset your son more. I would just move on.

Kids sometimes feel left out, that is normal and okay.

Kids are going to be kids. I do not think it is appropriate for you to call this child's mother. He didn't do anything "wrong". And if you don't want hurt feelings, invite all the boys. It's only 12.

This is a normal part of life. It's really not a big deal. Tell your son that lots of kids have parties where they are only allowed to invite a certain number of kids. Not all kids are invited every time. That is perfectly ok! He does not need to feel bad about it. And he does not need to feel so urgent about keeping it a secret. Your son is such a sweet heart and I think he handled it nicely. But perhaps you and he are worrying too much about this. It's ok! Kids all learn that this is just life. I would not call the other kid's mom.

I know quite a few adults that can't keep things under wraps. I wish I had a dollar for every time I asked someone to keep something confidential and somehow it slips out - usually accidentally (and sometimes on purpose).

Second graders absolutely can't keep secrets. It wasn't a pre-calculated breach of confidence...he was just excited about it.

If your son feels bad about a particular kid who wasn't invited, have him invite them over for a different activity.

My dd is also very sensitive about leaving others out. When we have birthday parties, we usually get some package deal (swimming pools - indoor are usually VERY reasonable) or we have games in our back yard where we can invite a bunch of kids. Neither one of us can handle the stress of hurt feelings. So far it's been worth it.

Move on. That's my advice to you and should be your advice to him.
You did give him good advice. If you keep on talking about it, it will seem a bigger deal than necessary.

If your son is this sensitive about others feelings, then maybe he shouldn't have any more sleep overs.
Keeping secrets about parties is not reasonable.

If you are truly sensitive about it, next year do a daytime party and invite all the boys.

I would want to know if it was my kid that was the party blabber-so that I could have a talk with them about why the party boy didn't want to hurt others feelings. If I was called about it I would probably get defensive and think the mom was overreacting, though.
What I think is weird is when the whole class is invited.
I would just let it go. And I'd be proud of my son for being sensitive to others, but he's going to have to learn that it can sometimes not be avoided.

Have him say, " My mom would only let me invite 5 people." That is what I told my son to say if it came up. That way it is onme, not him. And it IS true! I really don't want 12 kids spending the night!!!

Don't worry about it.
Your child has every right to have a party on the weekend & to only invite
his closest friends.
It is not like Valentine's Day & only giving out cards to a few kids from
your class.
I think what you told him was just right.
Tell him that again & not to worry. It is too hard for little kids to keep
exciting news to themselves.
Don't call the other mom nor feel like you need to. Just let it all go now.
It will be okay.

Updated

Don't worry about it.
Your child has every right to have a party on the weekend & to only invite
his closest friends.
It is not like Valentine's Day & only giving out cards to a few kids from
your class.
I think what you told him was just right.
Tell him that again & not to worry. It is too hard for little kids to keep
exciting news to themselves.
Don't call the other mom nor feel like you need to. Just let it all go now.
It will be okay.

I feel bad for the kids that have to try and not mention an activity they went to, to have to keep secrets.

I feel bad for the kids that didn't get invited. That stinks for them.

I feel bad for all kids who want to have a party and they can't invite all the kids they see every day. Life is hard for kids.

Life is about choices - not everyone gets invited to everything, and it's okay to let kids know that they can react to someone else's happiness without turning it around to what they themselves missed out on. Kids should be allowed to talk about their joys, their vacations, their parties, and not feel that it should be a big secret.

You won't get anywhere calling the other mom and telling her to talk to a 7 year old about discretion.

The problem is really with this entire "invite the whole class" mentality that has turned parties into an expectation among kids and a break-the-bank issue for parents. Moreover, they turn into "gift grabs" - the birthday child gets 25 presents from 25 kids, spends the next month being nagged to write thank you notes (or worse, isn't required to do them), and the guests never get to see the joy of their gift being opened and appreciated.

Your son did all the right things - remind him that telling people NOT to talk about it almost makes the party a bigger deal, and it makes the non-invitees feel even worse. I think his answer that he could only have a few kids was spot on. Remind him that the next time he hears about a party he wasn't invited to, he should try to be excited for the fun the others had and not feel left out, and certainly not ASK why he wasn't invited!! The constant blabber, if he's bragging, will find out sooner or later that no one likes the "name-dropper" type. Those who treat invitations with the proper perspective will win out in the long run.

This will only be as big a deal as the adults involved make it. Do like the previous poster said and have him say you only let him have "x" kids. And let it go. And next year don't invite that kid. Or invite them all.

That sucks. Today at school one of the girls my daughter loves to play with told her she was having a party this weekend and originally she was going to invite my daughter but she changed her mind and invited someone else because she didn't like the monster high doll my daughter played with! They're 7! At least you are raising a little boy who cares about other people's feelings.

The kids are 7. No matter how much they're told not to "blab" they are not going to be able to hold in inforamtion they want to share since it was fun. It was uncomfortable for your son becuase he wants everyone to be happy - so we can all relate with that feeling. But ultimately, whether your kid is one of the kids who didn't get invited or who did it's all a learning opportunity. This stuff happens all through life - so they can come home, lick their wounds, get an "ahh baby..." from mom and within an hour they don't even remember.

Kids get over this stuff pretty quickly - it's we the adults who simmer. Let it go - it's one of the small things in life. Don't sweat the small stuff.

I think that even young children (5 and above) can understand that there are experiences that others may have that we don't get to share in and that's okay.
I don't expect my friends and co-workers to be "discreet" when they get together for outings and special occasions for which I'm not invited. I don't expect my kids' friends to do so either. With my girls, I have always emphasized, focus on the parties you were fortunately enough to attend, not the ones you didn't go to.
Learning how to handle jealousy is an important part of growing up. How you react, helps set the tone for your son.

You know what? While it's "sad" to a point that some children weren't invited and got their feelings hurt when they found out, that's life. Not everyone can be invited to everything and guess what else? THAT'S ACTUALLY FAIR!

I know your son feels badly, and it's sweet. He's a sensitive boy and I hope he retains that gentleness for his friends. However if he has friends that are trying to make him feel guilty for being unable to invite them due to the rule of a limited guest list, then they're not being very good friends. Those other children need to learn how to cope with not always being included.

Why? They weren't rejected. They simply weren't included and it wasn't exclusion by bullying.

Your son did try to control the situation ahead of time by asking his party goers not to say anything in order to avoid hurt feelings at school. That was sweet. After the party, a reminder was even ok. Harping on it? Not ok. The reason for it is that you can't control, and shouldn't control, the actions of other people.

The little boy that shared during the news sharing thing was excited and had really cool news to share. He was busting at the seams that he got to see this really cool movie. That boy didn't do it to hurt anyone or "disobey" (so to speak) your son.

Now the lesson is also for your son to learn to cope with not being able to control other people or his surroundings. He is SUCH a sweet boy, a kind boy, and I would bet that maybe he has felt left out of a party once or twice when he overheard other children mention a party they attended and he wished he had gone to... and he didn't want someone else to feel the way he did.

I hope he knows there aren't any bad guys in this situation. God, your boy sounds so wonderful. I'm a little teary-eyed.