Birthday Party Invites! Dealing with Parents of Kids Not Invited!

Well I'm on two minds on this. I do not like leaving anyone out. Its not nice. If she plans to be speaking about it all over school its not very right to be excluding individuals. But if she was bullied by them I wouldnt want them to come either. But kids are kids so you never know what is going on behind someone. So I would be low key and not give invitations out at school. Instead mail them or invite by phone.

I would be more sensitive to my child's wishes than the delusions of these two old nannie goats. Do not invite the girls they have learned far too much from their mothers already.

I wouldn't worry! If they find out they find out! What is the worst they can do? Even if they're upset, you don't have to include their daughters in everything.

If the girls have grown apart, they've grown apart. It's a natural part of growing up. If you are "confronted" I would just say that. "Well, it seems our girls have grown in different directions this year. Please know that she did not exclude anyone out of spite, the girls just haven't been getting along as well over the course of the year. I'm sorry because this saddens me too, our girls have such a long history together, but the truth is, they've just grown apart."

You are right that your daughter is at the age where she can make her own decisions about who she wants to invite...I would be more concerned about these bully girls than about the mom's reaction. It is simple your DD is not close to these girls and your DD is only having her close friends over. In fact it would be easier if you had the home addresses for the invitees and send them there rather than passed out at school. You'll avoid hard feelings this way too. If those Moms were to say anything you can be direct...Well My lil Suzzie only invited the friends she plays with all the time. Some Moms need to grow up.

She's 9yrs old, and has been bullied in the past by one of these girls. It's HER birthday. I understand not wanting to rock the boat really I do, but don't put other people's feelings above your daughter's. I'd say mention that you had to limit the size of the party for space, or money etc and that you're sorry if their feelings where hurt by it but your daughter felt uncomfortable because of past happenings (don't lay blame, just point out there WAS problems before) and that you didn't think they'd want to attend anyway because of that. It's her birthday, I'd hate for someone who was mean to her be there.

Well, if they ask you directly you could say "I'm sorry, since the girls aren't close anymore there were not part of few people we were able to invite." It is true without putting them on the defensive. If they make comments to others and it gets back to you, your response should be basically the same both to the message carrier and then directly to the moms...."Hey, I heard you may have been disappointed that Sally wasn't invited to Jane's party. I hope you understand that we only invited Jane's closest friends. The girls have really grown apart.".

I haven't been in this situation as a mom. As a kid we always mailed invitations to people's houses (unless it was the whole class invited). Ask your daughter not to talk about her party in front of other kids who are not invited. If another child says something then let her blame you "Mom said I could only invite __# of guests." As long as it is not just these 2 girls left out it doesn't seem like a big deal.

I think Annette gave the perfect response!

Last year for my daughter's 9th we invited one girl from our playgroup because we invited everyone else and we didn't want to exclude her even though my daughter does not like her. Well, she spoiled the party! When she wasn't following my daughter around and annoying her she was complaining to all the adults. She kept wandering around inside the house (we had to explain over and over that the party was OUTSIDE and we didn't want any kids in the house) so someone had to watch her at all times. She threw paper at my daughter when she was opening her gifts--ack!

I learned my lesson! If the kids aren't close, make your excuses. A friend of mine told me this once: A few moments of awkwardness with the parent is much better than hours of annoying behavior at the party! I wanted my daughter to have fond memories of her 9th birthday. Next year--we only invite the ones she wants!

We have been through this, many times. It is very normal. Our daughter is now in college..

Your daughter will begin to change friends, and her friends are going to begin changing friends. It is just natural just like adults.

This is a good lesson to learn. "We are not always invited, and we do not invite everyone. " Manners dictate that when you are invited to a party, it is not discussed with anyone except the invitee. If that person tells you who else is invited, you are allowed to speak with them, but ONLY privately.

No talking about the event except with other verified attendees.

I just attended a beautiful wedding of a friend that had children who attended our daughters schools. I have not mentioned this to ANYONE, not on Facebook, not at the grocery stores.. anywhere, lest someone was not invited.. Sure enough at the wedding I saw a ton of people I have seen since receiving the invite and "save the date card" many months ago, but we all had kept the info close to our hearts just in case..

It is just part of manners.

It is your daughters party. She is allowed to invite who SHE wants. You can suggest, but honor her wishes.

9 years old is the right age to pick your own friends for your party. My daughter did the same thing. Then I made a mistake. She didn't invite one girl and her mother asked me straight why. I was totally caught off guard and invited her daughter too. It ended up this little girl spoiled the party for my daughter. I should of trusted my dd opinion on who should of come, it was a better mix of girls. If I was proactive like you and ready with a response like she is having a "smaller party this year.", I had my daughter picked the few friends she plays with most. Instead of trying to be nice and ruining my daughter's birthday party.

I was just in this situation 2 Saturdays ago for my daughter's 9th bday. She told me she didn't feel comfortable inviting one of the girls accross the street and so we didn't invite her. Heck, I wasn't comfortable inviting her myself. She's mean and has a potty mouth and when parents address this with her mom, she is denial as well. I did a sleepover for my daughter and there was no way I was going to deal with this kid all night long.

The day after the sleepover, I was hesitant about posting party pics on Facebook because I didn't want to offend the parent. Well, this little brat said something to my child while outside playing which sent her in the house upset and crying. So, I was like, what the heck, I'm posting the pics and if her mom is upset then maybe she will (at some point) deal with "why" her child is being excluded from certain activities.

Talk to your daughter about being discrete but if it slips out, then it does. They are past the "everybody in the class" age.

I would told the moms what you told us - that the girls are no longer close friends so it would have been disingenuous to invite them. (Similarly, this relieves them of obligations to invite your kid to their kids' parties.)

I have also found that sometimes you get to keep the parents as friends and sometimes not. This is true with the kids' friendships and their dating lives.

When my stepdaughter was 10 she had a falling out with her friend. We explained to her that she didn't have to like the girl anymore, but we were still friends with the parents and would talk to them in the store or wherever.

I think Lucky's right. I just wanted to add that you might talk to your daughter about being discreet. Just tell her that some girls might be sad when they find out they're not invited, so it might be best if she doesn't talk about the party at school.

Plain and simple. Your daughter can only have so many people over. She just can't invite everybody. Sorry.
Whatever happened to inviting the same number of friends as a child is old? 4 for 4year, 7 for seven year....?
I gave up on parties just for this reason. Both my kids birthdays are in the summer, I got tired of having to invite everyone and not hearing back from anyone. Then the day of the party, having only one kid show up. Of course those parents that NEEDED to know their kid was invited, were the worst for RSVPing.
Stay firm.

the answer to this depends on 2 things. the first is if she is inviting every other girl in the class. if she is then she should invite them. but if she isn't and is only inviting her closest friends then skip the bullies.

You just have to be very honest about it, in a tactful way. Tell the mom's (if they ask) that you were very clear to your daughter that she may only invite XX number of girls and it was her choice who she chose. Let them know if you want that they may be other opportunities for them to get together, but you had to limit the number of invites. Don't appologize for it. Birthdays are supposed to be fun, not stressfull. I am sure your daughter doesn't get invited to every single birthday. And you shouldn't feel obligated to invite them because of a past relationship. They shouldn't expect that either. Could you imagine years from now, thinking you have to invite her ex-boyfriend because they used to be close? thats just silly! :)

Hi,

If they are all in the same class, then extend an invitation and let them decide. If not, don't worry about it. If they ask then just say you were inviting classmates only, plus a few close friends. We are having a party for my daughter (not birthday but just a get together) and we decided to invite all the girls in her class. Two of them are just rotten and not friendly with my daughter. She did not want to invite them, but I put it in a reverse situation and said would you like to be left out? She said no, but she would not go anyway. I said well hopefully they will not either, but you are doing the right thing. Guess what? They are not coming! I know it is a roll of the dice, but do what you feel is best for your daughter.

All good advice that I can't top. Just some words about the bullies: If these were nice kids, I'd ask my child to reconsider since it might hurt the kids' feelings. But they sound like mean little brats and their moms seem to be doing nothing about it. If that's the case, I would not worry too much about it. Just be civil and say you only have a limited number of kids you can invite. What you need to make sure of is your daughter never gets bullied again and if she does, she knows how to defend herself.

I used to run a playgroup with 65 moms. As the organizer I knew everyone and while I appreciated every group member I couldn't possibly, nor did I have the desire to, have everyone at my house for my son's birthday party. When I mailed (yes mailed) the invitations I specifically wrote on them, "Please do not discuss the party at any playgroup functions or with other group members as limited invitations were sent due to space issues and I don't want anyone to feel left out or be offended." Everyone who was invited understood and was respectful.

A few tips:

1) DO NOT hand out invitations at school. It boils my blood to see other moms doing this. Little children can't understand why their excluded when they don't get one and their is no reason to do this. If needed, ask parents for their home address during pick up or drop off and explain why.

2) Address this with your daughter, ask her not to talk about the party with friends unless she is at home on the phone or via email, etc.

3) Teach her how to be empathetic if it comes into play. Give her responses to use if someone asks her why they weren't invited such as: "I really wish I could have invited everyone but we just don't have enough space in our home, maybe we could have a sleep over the following week*." Or better yet, have her blame it on you, "My mom said I could only invite 6 people, perhaps we can get together for a mall trip next week*."

4)When dealing with these other mothers remember how it must feel to be them. It's hard for some mom's to deal with the idea that not everyone can be their child's best friend. If they do get wind of the party I would nicely say something like, "(daughter's name) and I really wanted to invite the whole class but unfortunately our home just doesn't have the space so we had to do our best to limit the party to her closest friends. Perhaps we can get the girls together for a trip to the ice cream shop a week after*."

*Stress the part where you/she makes plans AFTER the party. It will be awkward if they do a sleep over before then for everyone. The invited guest may feel compelled to "plead her case" during the activity if it comes before hand or your daughter might find it challenging to exclude her if she had a good time hanging out.

Either way, it's part of life and we can't invite everyone to everything. Just something everyone has to learn to live with.

Good Luck!

I think this is a really normal time in a child's life for this to start happening. IF these kids are part of a circle of friends who spend a lot of time together, I would encourage you to send the invitations to the parents and ask that they not discuss it with their children until the night before the party.

We went through this, but on the other side of it, last week. Unfortunately, my daughter was extremely hurt by this situation, and given how small her school environment is, and the fact that her entire friend set was invited except for her, I was really upset also--only because of the way it was handled. I understand that at this age, feelings are going to be hurt, and kids go through what they are going to go through, and it is the way that their character and personality are shaped. In my daughter's case, it had more to do with a friendship triangle which involved her best friend, and it was just an ugly situation that was avoidable. I used it as a teaching moment for her about friendships, but I feel pretty strongly that the parent handled the situation poorly.

Your daughter should be allowed to invite who she wants to be at her party, no doubt about it; but you can use this as a teaching moment for her as well about empathy and compassion for other kids' feelings--even kids she may not like anymore. Encourage her to not talk with her friends about the plans for her party, and ESPECIALLY talk with her about not telling them to keep it a secret if they do know....you know the whispering that stops as soon as "the" kids walk into a room, etc. There are ways for you all to do this gracefully. Good luck!

This is the time where social interactions begin to shape how our kids will walk through the world and I think that we have hindsight to guide us. "Do unto others, as you would have them do unto you."

Yes. I have been on both sides. I got cornered and the mom insisted I explain. I did and it went from bad to worse.
Keep it short and simple. We limited her to a certain number and she chose the kids she plays with most often. Don't open yourself up for arguing, even though she will try.

I think you said it best, your daughter is old enough to choose who she is going to socialize with & you feel she has made a wise choice in this matter & are going to respect her decision. Simply tell them that. Do not apologize, neither of you have any thing to feel bad about.

If,somehow they find out, you say, "I let Jane pick the girls she wanted to invite to the party. Unfortunately she only could pick 8 girls this year! And yours didn't make the cut! (no no no....bad L....don't say that last sentence). Just be straighforward. Jane didn't want to invite their daughters because they are not as good of friends this year.
L.

I think the only safe bet is to extend an invite and let them decline. Excluding them is almost certain to incite war and if things are neutral, don't throw a spark on things. Besides, this could be an opportunity for them to become friends again. It's a good lesson in social graces. I understand elementary school classes are larger these days but until you are in middle school or high school where classes rotate and classmates change each semester, I think you should invite all girls or just one or two for a discreet get together. If you're having handful of girls over and excluding a handful, you're asking for trouble.

She may be able to choose who her friends are but she may not understand the social consequences. That's something you need to help her manage.