Bitter Toward My Mother

Updated on September 09, 2010
E.F. asks from Covina, CA
12 answers

I'm feeling really bitter towards my mom and I'm not sure how to just let it go. I call my mom everyday to see how she's doing. She just lives minutes from me and with my busy schedule( I have 3 kids, 13, 12 and 2) I do not visit her maybe as much as I should.I don't like to go to her house, she is a chain smoker and drinker. I am an only child. Well, last week I asked her if I could borrow some money from her for maybe a month and I would pay her back. I need to pay my registration on my car and I was not able to save enough money to pay them. I had been driving around for over a month and I was worried about getting a ticket on top of the unpayed registration. So I asked. It was very difficult for me to ask. I should've know better. She said ok, but then comes all the guilt trip. I don't visit her enough, I don't invite her to yosemite with us, I shouldn't have bought a new car, she doesn't have a new car, how she's is hurt with me, on and on and on........my husband can't stand my mother, she has done nothing but critcize him since we got married 16 years ago.He's a good man and is good to me and our children. I can't invite her to things with us becasue she has made comments about my husband to my in-laws through out our marriage so no one cares for her. So, needless to say, I went and sold a bunch of gold jewlrey I had just to pay her back. Now I only owe her a small amount. And every day when I call her I can her in her voice that she is still hurt with me.I

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S.B.

answers from Savannah on

Basically TELL her. Tell her why you don't visit as often. Tell her why she doesn't get invited to go with you on trips, places, etc. She will never understand or know if you don't tell her. And then you'll always feel bitter and resentment towards her.

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D.F.

answers from Boston on

I am not getting why your bitter with your mom. I know you said you live minutes away from her and do not visit her much because she is a chain smoker and drinks. I don't know how old she is but at some point you have to accept your mom just the way she is. Invite her over when your husband is not home. Or better yet tell her you would have her over more if she accepted your husband and do not criticize him.

i kind of find it funny your all over your mom about stuff and she is the one who lent you money. You went to her, why not the inlaws??

You only have ONE mom. Sounds like she really loves you if she is upset about not seeing you. Sounds like she is lonely to me. Your the only child she has. she maybe harsh because she is jealous of the time spent with the other side of the family. Ask her to be nice and you will take her to family events. If she cant be good to them, just visit her on your own. You can always sit outside as not to inhale smoke. know-body is perfect.

5 moms found this helpful
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C.M.

answers from Springfield on

Daisy has it down. Bitter for what? Your mom is the only mom you have. She has bad habbits. If she is not physically endangering you or your kid, so she drinks too much. You should attend Alanon, it will help you deal with her in a more positive way. Why didn't you go to the in-laws, or why didn't your husband?

Your mother has a back story. Do you know why she is so unhappy and bitter? Sounds like her character was passed down to you. Be careful, sounds like the pot is calling the kettle black.

Bitterness is a choice hers and yours. Don't follow her down her life choices.

Good luck

5 moms found this helpful
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S.H.

answers from San Antonio on

Don't ask your mom for money. Dave Ramesy would say that you should sell your car if you can't even afford the registration. Don't expect that you can ask for things from someone who treats your family with disrespect and expect that it won't cause hurt feelings.

I'm being harsh here, and I'm not trying to put you down or say you shouldn't feel hurt, but you already know what your mom is like. It is unrealistic to think you can borrow from her with no reprocussions. And her behavior aside (it is bad), I can't imagine being OK with my child having a new car when she can't pay for the registration, no matter what her situation is. I don't know that I could be quiet about it, either.

3 moms found this helpful
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S.H.

answers from Honolulu on

In addition to the other comments,
You are probably 'bitter" because your Mom is not like how you think she should be.
She is not your "ideal" Mom nor what you think, a "Mom" should be. Thus you resent her. And sure, she ain't a lovely person... but, well, that's the Mom you got.
And you are the Daughter she got.
Your Mom, is NOT a "Hallmark" greeting card type Mom. You resent that.
But she will NEVER EVER be, that kind of Mom.
And sure, she has caused issues with your Husband and in-laws too.... and no one cares for her... YOU included.
Thus, you 'resent' her.
She is simply... NOT the kind of Mom you think she should be or that you have idealized in your head, about what a Mom "is."
Thus you resent her.

One of my siblings, hated/resented my Mom too. Because, to her, our Mom was NOT the type of 'parent' she thought our Mom 'should' be. So all her life, she pretty much 'hated' and resented our Mom. The problem.. was her... NOT our Mom. The problem was that she just NEVER 'accepted" our Mom for who she was... nor, was she able to separate... fantasy from REALITY.
In her head, she thought our Mom should be and had to be, just like the "fantasy Mom" she had idealized in her head.
Well... too bad, that is not reality. That is a problem of the person themselves and not being able... to, just accept and cope, with what you have for a parent.
Not having a sense of entitlement.

all the best,
Susan

3 moms found this helpful
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P.W.

answers from San Francisco on

You can easily solve this problem: don't borrow money from your mother, ever again. Do whatever you have to to find the money somewhere else. Save $20 bucks a month starting right now to cover next year's registration.

My mother and I have a rocky relationship, so I haven't asked her for anything in decades, because I didn't want to be indebted to her.

End of story.

3 moms found this helpful

D.D.

answers from New York on

You put yourself in a bad position by asking your mom for money and your mother reacted by treating you like a child. What she's actually saying is "You need to manage your money better because if you can't afford registration then maybe you should have saved money by not buying a new car, not going on a vacation, not doing things that cost money." And it reflects on your hubby because if she's not happy with him to being with then she's thinking that he can't even provide for his family.

Don't ask her for anything agai. Pay back what you owe her and tell her you are sorry for having put yourself in the position of not having enough to pay for your bills.

As far as not seeing her as often as you should? That's a drama between you and your mom. I'd say to make an effort just to stop in for a minute or two every once in a while. Have her come outside for a visit. Go for a walk, spend a little of your time. A phone call is a cop out way of connecting especially when you are so close by.

How do I know this? My mom is a drama queen who lives 2 miles away. I'm in contact with her almost every day and it's still never enough.

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N.K.

answers from Madison on

It sounds like there should be more to this story. Maybe you should honestly think about why you are *bitter* towards your mom. As other posters said, it is probably because you want her to change, which is not happening. Just accept her as she is and move on. Bitterness is not good for your soul!

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M.M.

answers from Chicago on

It looks like you mom needs attention, not money. When you are trying to pay her faster you are in a way terminating a fragile connection, a small reason over which you pay attention to her.
Looks like she raised you alone and you are the only one, or she feels like it is just the two of you...
Have a heart for your mom, even if she is a chain smoker and a manipulator, she loves you and you are very important to her. Think about how you love your kids, think if you would like them to grow up and treat you as you treat your mom. Your mom does not have 3 kids she has only one - you, So if you not paying attention to her, there is no one else she call on to do that.
If you do not like to go to her house, go someplace together, she needs just your attention, you ear, your smile - all these subtle ways to tell her you are connected, she is important.
I knows moms can be anoying and they offer a lot of unsolicited advice, when that happens, I do not contradict my mom, I just smile and nod, she never knows if I agree or just listen, but what important is - she is listened too, that makes her feel important and needed in her eyes, gives her a chance to talk, to share her ideas. And you never know, you might learn a thing or two about your mom, the side of her you never knew existed.
Good luck, I believe you model your relationshipds with your parents to your children. You show tolerance and respect, you will get that in return.

1 mom found this helpful
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J.C.

answers from Lincoln on

You will not be able to change your mother, I know, I have one just like her. If she's getting to you try cutting down on the phone calls. Once a week is just fine. If she asks why then tell her. You have to be a strong woman and stand up for yourself and your family. Tell her don't appreciate her constantly criticizing your husband and trying to make you feel guilty. Tell her you love her and you are doing the best you can. Yes, she'll get upset but its really no different than what you're dealing with now and you will have more peace in your life knowing you did the right thing.

1 mom found this helpful
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K.F.

answers from New York on

You want to really know how to let go of the bitterness.

Forgiveness.

Forgive your mother for everything. It doesn't mean you approve of her actions towards you and your family. Forgiveness frees you from the bitterness you and feeling and any guilt trips she may be laying on you. Forgiveness puts you in a position of strength and power.

Another tool you can use is understanding, what is your mother's story? How was her relationship with her parents, grandparents? What did she see? What did she experience? How did she feel? Can you feel any empathy for where she has come from and what she may have had to endure?

As an adult you don't have to give into the guilt trips she may be trying to use against you. Also forgive yourself for maintaining a somewhat unhealthy relationsihp with your mother. How would you handle her if she was a stranger to you, a stranger you had to interact with?

If you begin to feel overwhelmed by the situation, circumstances and nature of your relationship with her, give yourself a break to regroup and be strengthened. I know how hard this can be. I have a very needy father that can be very draining to me. I just try to temper my interactions with him and I definitely don't feel guilty about not seeing him as much as he would like. I do what I can.

1 mom found this helpful

L.M.

answers from Dover on

You both need to accept each other as you are and move on. Sounds like you need to have a talk... tell her you want a better relationship with her and need to discuss a few things. Tell her that you love her and know you don't visit as much as you should or as much as you or she would like; however, you do live close and she can visit you as well. You have a very busy schedule, as I am sure she knows, but even when you have the time you are not comfortable exposing yourself and the kids to the cigarette smoke. If she could come to you or meet you somewhere you could visit more. Tell her that although you don't know why, you are aware that she does not like your husband but he is YOUR busband and the father of your children and although she doesn't like him she needs to be respectful of his position in your family. And you need her to keep her comments to herself unless she can find something nice to say. Be prepared to hear her out as well.

Try to avoid borrowing any more money from her because her "guilt trip" will return...it is probably an old habit now.

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