Blended Family - Walnut,CA

That's a question I could write a book on!! My husband,42 has 4 kids with wife 1 who's ages range from 22-13 and one grand baby...I'm 32 so I'm 10 years older than his oldest son and 10 years younger than him. Their mom holds a grudge longer than anybody I've ever met. We've been together for 10 years now and she's finally come around! Up till now she's literally never spoken to me. My x-husband and I used to hang out with them before we all got divorced. She asked for the divorce and we didn't start dating until after she was dating my hubby's best friend!! How can she be upset...whatever. It was really tough but I didn't feel that I needed to have a relationship with her if it couldn't be positive so I've respected what she wants even though I think it's silly. I've also never behaved as the kids mom. I'm an adult friend to them just like any of their Dad's friends. I do have a close relationship with one son and his daughter but only because I NEVER acted like the disciplinarian. I told my hubby from day one that I would not be involved in the discipline process but to support him. One time I sent his daughter to her room...in 10 years! I also never said anything negative about their mom and there was plenty to say!! I defended her when my hubby said bad things about her. I feel like my step-kids have a mom and they are entitled to think she's the best mom ever even if she's not. She doesn't want to be around me because of whatever so I respect that so she doesn't say things to the kids that make them take sides. Kids can love a lot of people! Not just Mom

This sounds like something your husband must address. It is HIS family you are talking about. He needs to be the one to talk to his parents about bounderies. Holidays can be easier for the kids if all parties can get along. You also have no say in who your mother-in-law spends her time with. Whatever you do, don't let either of the kids hear you saying anything negative about their mother.

Just always be the more mature, bigger person. My kids step mom used call me really bad names right in front of my kids, and she also let her kids say horrible things and then laugh. All my kids would do was look at her and say "my mom never says anything bad about you and my dad, why do you have to put her down?" Getting caught up in the drama of the emotions does nobody any good. What really matters is the emotional health of the kids, and right now you have a 14 year old that really matters. It sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders. Focus on her when she is there. Let the other stuff go, and let your husband deal with his family. Eventually, when the older one matures and goes on with her life and hopefully isn't so ingrained in the drama with her mom and grandma, she will see you differently. Good Luck!!

Yuck.
I agree with Lisa, this is your husbands problem. You and he need to stand together and be a TEAM, and together as a team you need to confront his family.
It is NOT acceptable for the ex to still play such an active roll in your inlaws lives. Six years? Are you kidding me?!? The ex needs to move on and grow up!!!
Teenagers have minds and opinions of their own, regardless of the past, so unfortunately I think you'll have to just grin and bare the ugliness there, but you CAN change the family issue. I'd start there! :)
Good luck, I'm behind you! :)

We have a blended family. I recommend a lot of prayer and counseling. For me, this situation has been one of the most difficult to adjust to and it has taken a huge toll on my marriage. I am not giving up. I hope you dont either.

I have been a stepmom for 7 yrs I had no idea what comes along with being a stepmom (my husband and his first wife divorced). I think it is hard on all sides; the stepmom is doing a lot of work, compiled with so much responsiblity, yet not quite feeling the love; the stepkids feel they should be more loyal to one parent vs. another, also they miss their intact family, and are upset about it, you may be with a dad who might feel guilty or timid in setting boundaries and can fall into the Disneyland Dad trap. Then there's the ex, the mom, who might just openly dislike you (not personally) for being with her former husband and HER kids. Her jealousy may be driving her to make her kids feel they should choose her over you. The ideals you once had about marriage seem kicked to the curb.

First of all, as far as family events are concerned, you need to talk to your husband. It is up to him to discuss with his family that you both feel uncomfortable with the ex being there. She obviously is a little hung up being part of his family still, or this would not be an issue. There are plenty of events alone (without excluding family events) where in fact she will be there, such as graduations, games, or performances-what have you. My feeling is she is a human being who probably has a million mixed emotions towards her divorce and you being in the "new wife." Time will help heal, and being civil and kind is a good way to go.The two of you starting a life together as a couple and blended family deserves the respect of his family. This is something your husband needs to clarify with his family and ask them to respect it. He also needs to tell his mom, that her lack of support for you is hurting his marriage. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas and she needs to understand that and respect that. If the mom in law still is close to the ex, there is nothing you can do about it. Just always be civil!

As far as texting and all that, I would ask your husband to let his ex know that if there is an emergency or time sensitives(the kid's sick at school, can you go get her?), she should give him a call. If it's "I want to sign Soandso up for gymnastics.." that can be emailed. I do not think texting is really appropiate, and if he is responding to her, he is part of the problem too.

I know it is hard. Please remember, though as a stepmom, we sometimes get into a trap of overly trying to please everyone to make everyone like us.
Please take care of yourself first, puton your oxygen mask first then everyone else's.

If your husband is not willing to set boundaries, then I would take him to couples therapy.

With a lot of patience and practice knowing when to keep your mouth shut. I've been a step-mom to a wonderful 11year-old boy since he was 16 months old. We have our own child together and his ex-wife is very much a part of our lives, and not for the better. It is a definite up and down roller coaster, and it takes a very special kind of person to be a step-parent, there is no doubt about it. This is a very dangerous and hard position in life, but it can be very rewarding. Good luck and try to keep your head.

Marrying into a blended family certainly has its challenges to be aware of. We cannot control ex's thoughts/actions but we can be clear in our own words and actions that we are here to better this family and not: talk badly about the ex, ways he/she may have done things, etc. We can model appropriate behavior and show them (including other family members) the best way to move forward. Stepchildren need to know you are there to support them and not undermine anyone, even as the kids may struggle with their own confusion (if the child shows you love might they worry how their biological mom, for example, might feel). We want the children to be able to come to us and share needs and issues and, sometimes, it is ok to not have all the answers but rather just be there to support them. Good luck! S. A. K., MFT

We should become friends. Your story is my story. I have dealt with it for four years. Some of these people that have responded have good relations with some of his family. We DONOT. My husbands family is MEAN along with the bio-mother. I have learned to set NO expectations from any of them. Bio-mother will never be the mother I think she needs to be and vis-versa. My husbands mom--well she is the instagater to all the meanness. BUT she is a upstanding fine christian woman to ALL others around her. She disowns my kids before our marriage and even her own granddaughter that is mine and her sons. What I mean about that is that she sends cards to the two grandchildren of the first marriage to their bio-mothers house (which they do NOT live at) and then sends cards to the others at our house. She takes the two places when they are at bio-mothers house ALL the time. I can only assume to not share with the ones here. It is just a selfish thing. One time my husbands father told my husband they just want want they used to have. WELL doesn't everyone--but divorce changes that! I am sure the kids want their parents back too--but divorce changes that! Over the past four years--we no longer invite my husbands family to anything--sad--but it keeps the drama from us. There is a book called The Smart Step Family. Get it-- it is great and they have studies at different churchs with it too. I just got their new book The Smart StepMom. It is as well great. These have helped me greatly. Just be you and if they do not like you--still just be you. Your husband likes you ( loves you) and the step-kids will like you when they are in your shoes later in life --NOT WHILE YOU ARE RAISING THEM!