Bonding! - Palmer,MA

It can take awhile, months even. It will come, don't force it. Try to enjoy some alone time, and some one on one time, snuggling, reading, walks etc.

Hi K.
It dosent sound like your having trouble bonding clearly your attached to you little on! It sounds like you nervous. You have the responsability of this little life and that is scary. When i brought my daughter home from the hospital i was scared! It was nothing like what I expected and my boyfriend wasnt much help. My wrost time was at night cause it was just me. I was also my most sad at night. Looking back I may have had a touch of post-pardem depression. I felt the first year is the worst they are just so little. Your confidance will grow and they will get more independant but you will always worry. If you a stay at home mom or are home alot go for a walk or join a play group. Adult contact is real important dont get to isolated and youll start to realize that every other parent feels the same way.
Good luck!!

Hi, You are under the influence of a hormonal retreat! I had the same stuff happen to me--you are the best mom for your little person ever--you were literally made for one another--don't fret--your learning curve will grow and the hormones will leave you alone in a bit. Hang in there --you are awesome!

Nat

Okay most moms won't admit this but becoming a mother is a strange experience in itself. I did not cry when my daughterwas born(I was kind of in shock for awhile). Even though you carried your baby for nine months you are still getting to know him. I was super anxious and paranoid with my first baby I could not eat barely slept and the first 6-7 months of her life is now a blur to me. I have since had my second and I am enjoying it so much more! If you find that you are really weepy and are having strange thoughts it could be post pardom depression but so far what you described sounds really normal. Becoming a MOM is overwhelming and really scary at times it is not at all how it is potrayed on television...I was scared to be left alone with my daughter the first few months and so relieved when somebody was with me. I would feel guilty and I thought that parenting should come more "natural" I still struggle at times just knowing what to do but that is what it is all about. You will be fine!

Hi K.! Your feelings are totally normal and natural. I would discuss them with your doctor to rule out any other issues. Don't be too hard on yourself. Bonding takes time. I find it (bonding) to be an over used/hyped word anyway. The definition of bonding is a close personal relationship that forms between people...I believe that takes some time even if it's your own child. Your feelings are real, parenting can be a bit scary. Surround yourself with friends, family, people you trust to help you out. Just keep up the good work!

K., my daughter is now 10.5 months (also a first time mom here) and when I look back to the beginning...honestly...I would skip the first weeks to like two months! It was obviously wonderful and beautiful and emotional and all of that but GOD...was it hard! I wondered what on earth am I doing bringing this child into my world...but it only gets better and better and better with each passing day. Everyday is a gift and you will be a wonderful mom and your baby will FEEL and KNOW that. Don't worry. You're nerves will calm and just know that this too shall pass. :) Good luck.

These feelings are VERY normal, especially the first time around. I had two c-sections and honestly felt a tad resentful toward the baby when I was in pain and recovering, plus, you have to remember, your hormones are WAY out of whack and your feelings are all over the map as a result. Give yourself time to learn about being a mom, it is hard!! Suddenly your whole day revolves around the needs of a little baby who cries a lot, is demanding, and has no way of telling you straight out what he needs (I say this tongue-in-cheek, you know what I mean!!). However, if you feel angry, depressed, or you can't see any humor or anything positive in any situation, you might want to call your OB and check in just to be sure that you aren't dealing with postpartum depression. There is a fine line beyween adjusting/hormones/baby blues, and depression. So many of us moms expect that we should be superheroes and don't ask for help when we need it, and are suffering silently. Be good to yourself, it never hurts to check in.

I remember staring at my scar in the mirror and the lovely skin hanging over it and chanting to myself, "I love my baby, I love my baby!" I was so unprepared for the physical results of the c-section... of course it's all worth it and I'd do it again myself, but man, it's tough. I understand completely where you are coming from. Don't feel ashamed that you're not telling us that you love every second of motherhood... we understand!! Good luck and hang in there.

I hear ya! I worried about not bonding when our son was little (he's almost a teen now and a great kid). A good portion of that is the new-mommy thing. Some of it was dealing with recovery from the surgery at the same time you have this "wonderful little bundle" that doesn't let you get the rest you need and is always...needing...something.

I never thought I'd resent being needed that much! My thinking progressed like this...look how sweet he is...he looked right at me! Did you see that?! I said "Hello, little one" (first day) and he turned his head...Wow! That's a lot of poop!...How did you create that much poop on just my milk?!...OW! They say I'll learn to love nursing...I just put you down! Surely you need more sleep than that!...he looks so peaceful when he's sleeping....just a little more sleep...I need just a little more sleep...Oh look! He just smiled...I need A LOT more sleep!......we did this to ourselves...we wanted this...we savored the expectations...I just want a minute to myself!...look how much he is growing and changing...he is such a gift...is it this hard for other moms?...he's so sweet...look at those tiny little toes and hands...what's wrong with me?...I should know what to do!...Good grief! I'm 36 and have no clue what to do...and up and down the roller coaster ride.

At least, that's how you may feel at those moments when you wonder if you've bonded.

I felt guilty for those frustrated feelings. I thought I should know more of what to do than I did. However, whatever age you are when you have your first, it's always a new experience you grow into. Be patient and forgiving of yourself and your spouse and of your baby's needs.

The game has just totally changed. Even when you think you're prepared for the wonderful addition of a child, there is no doubt your son will change the dynamics in your house. Sometimes it's delightful, sometimes it's sad, sometimes it's funny, sometimes it's maddening. But, truth be told, motherhood is full of wonderful moments and all the rest, too.

If your concerns continue or worsen, talk to your doctor (OB or PED) for some input. Meanwhile, see if the hospital has a c-section group, nursing moms group (if you're nursing), or find a mommy group nearby. Talking with others can do you a world of good and get you in a different place--figurataively and literally.

Good luck and enjoy!

I just wrote a huge letter to you and my computer started to close out things. Weird. I too was nervous! You are not alone. Kids should come with a manual! I had post pardum with one of my children. I have three. Try to socialize with others it makes you not feel so alone. If you need someone to talk to I will listen and offer and advice you may need. I love to help new moms.Where areyou located, probably no where near me! You can contact me anytime, I check my email all the time. i run a business from home. It makes me feel like I am something besides a mom. No that being a mom is bad. I LOVE it! Here is my email:
____@____.com don't hesitate to contact me!!! You are no bother, I enjoy talking to other moms.

Helping moms help their families!

M.

www.WorkingGreenMoms.com

Congrats on your little one!
I had an emergency c-cect with my first and he was premature so there were some complications and added stresses. And like you I just loved him incredibly and was so protective of him. But I think the newness of being a mom and top of dealing with c-sect and complications made it very stressful and overwhelming. I think he also had stomach issues because he would cry a decent amount too-which added to the stress. I think I was so concerned about keeping him comfortable and healthy that that was my main focus. I didn't feel like I knew him as his own person if that makes sense.
I can't remember what age it was for him (maybe around 4-6 months?) when that started to change. But after a certain point the bonding went from just the love and protection to really appreciating his personality and just being happily overwhelmed with just about everything little thing he did! I was able to relax and enjoy him more.

So yes, your feelings are normal and I think you'll be amazed at how wonderful it is to be raising this new little person growing right before your eyes. Do you get out to mommy and me groups? I think that can be really helpful-they were a lifesaver for me. And as an aside-after the birth of my daughter (natural VBAC) the whole bonding process was a much quicker process. I think I had more confidence and was able to relax and enjoy sooner.

Hope this helped. Take care,
R.

Congratulations on motherhood! It is a daunting experience, especially the first time around. I worried about everything!
You've gotten some great advice and validation. I would just like to reinforce the suggestions to get support. Perhaps you can find a new mom's group to make friends with women in the same situation. There's much comfort in knowing you're not alone. I was able to meet a great group of women in a breastfeeding support group at our hospital, but there was also a parenting group available. We are all still very good friends 4 years later. Many towns also have a MoMs international group that may be helpful.
Good luck!
J.

If you are concerned enough to write to strangers, then maybe you want to talk to your doctor. Hormones can do some really wild things to your mind and body - and you don't have to be severely depressed or angry to seek doctor's advice. I'd start there - people sometimes poo-poo real struggles as "baby blues" - and no one needs to struggle.

You sound like you're a great mom - loving your child and worrying that you are doing okay. You've got some great advice hear - especially the bare skin to skin contact. My little guy was 3 months preemie and spent 3 1/2 months in the hospital. It is proven that skin to skin contact really does help with bonding. I loved when I could hold his 2 pound body and tuck him into my shirt and snuggle. When he came home I would wear button up shirts and front closure bras - then for his shortest nap I would strip him to diaper, open my shirt and bra, and place him on my chest, cover him up and then I'd read, watch TV or just gaze at him. He's 4 years old now and I can still remember how those teeny tiny hands and feet would wiggle against my skin as he slept on me. Just last night he climbed into our bed and slept with his head on Daddy's chest - so cute and cozy (for a little bit at 4 yrs)

Normal. Normal. Normal. Try to go where other moms with infants might be (playgroups, story times, coffee shops, etc...). If you are breastfeeding, the LaLeche group might be a good place for you. Get out in the world a bit. If the feelings persist, talk to your doctor. If this is your first child, be easy on yourself..... Stroller walks are a fabulous way to bond and get in shape! xxxoooo and CONGRAT'S!

I too had a section and following the birth of my son I was expecting over-joyous love to be immediate. It wasn't. I realized that a new baby is cute and all but when you think about it...you and your little one are complete strangers. You have to get to know one another. I was so scared about the 180 my life had just taken and worried about being a "good" mother. Give yourself a break Mom! You are learning the ropes and getting to know each other more and more everyday. Before you know it you won't be able to imagine your life without the little guy. When you do fall (and you will) you'll know its the real deal.
Congratulations on the birth of your son and keep at it, everything will be fine :-)

hey K., i am not a new mommy but i know how you feel from experiance. when i had my first child i was very nervous about everything. see i was all alone with this child of mine, absentee father and did not want to depend on family for help. i used to get nervous about small things like: am i feeding her enough, is she warm, did i burp her long enough etc. i was scared, sure but those feelings eventually went away with time and with my daughters happy expressions. we bonded a lot cuz i was alone with her in a tiny apt. and it was winter. i got more and more secure with time that i was feeding her right etc and that i was giving her a lot of cuddle time and kisses which i miss doing so much(she's 19 now) so yeah those feelings will go away, you have mommy instincts you just don't realiz them yet. good luck to you and your baby and i wish you both the best

Are you nursing? In women's post-partum depression programs--it's the first things they recommend. Your body releases chemicals that stimulate bonding and happiness when you nurse. Good luck.

Don't worry - a lot of moms go through that. Both my mother and I did.

I didn't have a c section, but my son came a little early and was jaundiced, so he spent a week in a light box at the hospital, and I only got to hold him when it was time to feed him. We also didn't have a lot of success with nursing, which added to my feeling that we weren't bonding very well. Neither of us could get comfortable, he was having problems latching on, and I was so afraid he wasn't getting enough milk that we eventually switched to formula. On top of that, I swear all he did was sleep for the first four months of his life! I felt like something HAD to be wrong with him, like I was missing out on all the joys of being a new mom, and was really starting to get depressed.

I think the bonding process is different for everyone, but here's a bunch of things that helped me...

• Getting over the “I might break him” phase (I know it’s silly)
• Finding something you can do to soothe both of you if he’s crying – with my son it was (and still is!) stroking his head right near his temple
• Spend some belly time with him – skin-to-skin is best
• I would curl up for a nap with him at the same time every day
• I took baths with him – he didn’t like the little bathtubs (it was like he felt like he was going to fall even if it was placed on the floor)

The older he gets, and the more activities you can do with him, the more you’ll bond. My son is 3 ½ now, and at his “graduation” from preschool last year, he was the kid who was the most excited to see his mom!

Hi K.,

My son is 3, and although I can't say I've ever felt unsure of myself as a mother (or my decisions as a mother) I can agree that being a new mom is nerve racking.

I would say to relax..spend more time bonding with and getting to know your baby...this may mean you nap together (co-sleeping)...or maybe just simply lying on the couch cuddeling.

That was a huge part for my son and I...the bonding. Since he was my first, I felt that in order for me to mother him correctly...I had to KNOW him...know what his cries meant....know when he needed a diaper change...or when he was hungry...etc.

I think that after you take the time to really get to know your son, your motherly instincts will kick in to full gear and you'll never second guess yourself again.

www.daniellebuffardi.com

They went away for me (my son is now 19 months old), although it did take a while and I felt incredibly guilty. The way I try to look at it is that you're building a relationship with your child, and relationships aren't born overnight. As the two of you get to know each other better, you'll feel more comfortable as a mother, and as you feel more comfortable you'll also feel more bonded with your baby. My one piece of advice is to try to surround yourself with as much support as possible. And be sure to do things that DON'T revolve around the baby.

I too had a C-section and my baby was a preemie who had to stay in the hospital for a monnth. And I also had some of the feelings you describe but I never thought of them as "bonding" issues. You are simply a new mom! All your feelings are perfectly natural. You will feel better as soon as you realize that, and give yourself a break. You're sleep deprived and trying to care for this new baby. It's all brand new and very stressful. If you're worried about the actual care of your child, it will help you to have some newborn and infant care books at your fingertips. It also helps to chat with other new moms, experienced moms, family members, etc. for advice and support. If your feelings become overwhelming, I'd talk to your doctor about it. Good luck and congratulations!

Hi K.,
I am unsure what you mean by 'bonding' when you are also quick to say you love him soo much. I would think not bonding means not having a deep affection for him.
If it is nerves about... "Am I doing the most for him..?.. am I doing everything right??? those are very common feelings and thoughts. Also it is very common to have a tough time adjusting to focusing so much on him. You might want to talk with your pediatrician about it.
I also agree with alot of what the first responder wrote. I do not know why noone tells us how our bodies will change.
Good luck with everything, babies are lovely ways to start people!

Clare W
Helping families find supplemental income
www.WorkAtHomeUnited.com/Arizona