Boy-friend's Co-dependent Parenting Toward 16-Year Old Son

S.,

If nothing has changed in two years, and you don't want a life sentence, I would say it's time to move on.

Blessings....

Sounds to me like this relationship is over. I think you have it right about using his son as an excuse (not that that is a healthy relationship).

You sound insightful into this father/son dynamic. Healthy: choosing son over girlfriend. Normal: only children tend (tend, not are) more introverted. Not healthy: father's enmeshment with son. Being an only child of divorced parents, a single mom of an only and a therapist, this topic is right up my alley.

Having (and being) an "only" can be tricky seeing as how the relationship can be more peer-like, high expectations, constant adult interaction/attention, and possibly higher dependency, especially when you throw divorce into the mix. Yes, can be a recipe for co-dependency.

I can tell you from the get go, how he raises his son, though you may not agree (and I do agree with you that it is not healthy) it isn't your business and you will, like you said, drive your boyfriend away. There is really nothing you can do as this is between child and bio parents. Everything you've said is accurate and sounds very frustrating, but how parents choose to parent is simply not up to you.

So now you know this, what can you do? So my recommendation: stay in and bite tongue or allow the relationship to wane. Not easy either way!

Jen

Sigh! A 16 yo boy should be spending time without his father. He cannot make a healthy adjustment to adulthood without gradually separating from his father. He's 16 already. What has he learned that will help him be a happy and successful adult? Can he make good decisions about his own activities? Without practice when the stakes are low the teen often is thrown into chaos once they are an adult.

Your bf and you should have quite a bit of alone time. I don't know if you live together but even if you do, the son should be spending part of every evening in a different part of the house. It is unusual for a 16 yo to want to spend all evening, every evening with a parent. I guess I do need to know how often he is at his Dad's home. If he's only there 2-3 evenings/week it would be more understandable.

I can understand wanting his son to spend a holiday with his family. He doesn't need to give his son a guilt trip to do that. All it takes is "this is a holiday and we spend holidays together. You can spend another day with your friend." I would be wary of a boyfriend who metes out guilt trips. Does he do that to you?

Your bf has been this way with his son for 16 years. It's unlikely that he is able to change even if he wanted to change. The dynamics of the relationship are entrenched as are the bf's feelings about parenting. He could take parenting classes, go for therapy, but by the time he figured it out his son would be an adult. At 16 the son needs professional help to become independent. Without that he will be dependent the rest of his life. If he's not dependent on his father he will be dependent on some one else. Many women can tell you about this sort of husband.

Even tho the 16 yo is quiet and doesn't need a lot of friends he does need to be able to manage his own time, taking into consideration family responsibilities. Celebrating a holiday can be a family responsibility. Giving his father and girl friend, or wife, time to themselves is a family responsibility. However, he won't know this unless he's taught.

He does need at least one friend with whom he can and does spend frequent time without his father's presence. He is at the age he should be doing at least some small rebellion. Without disagreeing with his parents he is unable to breakaway from them. Teens outrageously rebel when they are not allowed to voice a different opinion and work out a compromise with their parents. If the ability to disagree is stifled they can also become especially good which does not allow them to become independent.

Wanting to spend time alone with your bf does not indicate jealousy, tho it could. Only you know if you're jealous or not. If I were in a similar situation, and I was when I was married, I would feel jealous. At the same time I would be aware that this is not a healthy relationship and would find a way to either correct it, the way I was feeling about it, or leave. After 5 years of family therapy, I left my situation. I should've left much sooner.

It sounds like your bf does not acknowledge that there is a problem in your relationship that he needs to take seriously. He puts you off by blaming you for being jealous. Jealous is a reasonable feeling and if he believes that you're jealous he needs to find a way to understand what you're telling him. He will only know if what he is doing is reasonable for his son if he's willing to take a look at what he's doing and know if it's meeting his goal for his son to be more independent. It sounds like he wants to blame you for expressing your concerns so that he doesn't have to look at his own behavior.

My cousin is married to a man with 2 daughters. When they married he said that my cousin, his wife would be first in his life and his daughter's second. She agreed to support him in parenting his daughter's. Eventually, he did choose her over his daughters when he told them, as teens, that if they weren't willing to cooperate as family members they could choose to live elsewhere. His wife was #1. One was old enough to live on her own and they helped her do that. The other one went back to her mother.

At first I thought this was going too far. I felt that children, because they are children, have to be first. But then, I came to realize that if the marriage fails, the children are put into turmoil. A bad marriage is not good for the children, either. I do think that there has to be a balance. For myself, I think that the couple has to agree to find a way to protect both their relationship and the children. This means that the two of them have to basically agree on parenting issues and be willing to learn how to make the marriage work at the same time.

A marriage involving children of just one parent is quite difficult. It requires a different set of skills for the step-parent than they would use with their own child. You are experiencing some of the complexity of such a relationship. If you cannot work this out with your bf, I strongly recommend that you move out of the relationship. Being able to work together to find a way of living that is comfortable for both you is the only way to have a good relationship.

I agree that your bf is more committed to his son then he is to you. Two years is more than long enough for the two of you to have reached an agreement about how your relationship will include his son. I see his blaming you by saying you're jealous as a way to avoid looking at the issue. Even if you are jealous and even if he thinks you have no reason to be jealous he is not respecting your feelings and is not willing to find a way to change the situation so that you will be more comfortable.

I know it won't be easy to back out of this relationship but I recommend that you do it. If you do want to spend more time trying to make it work, ask him to attend counseling with you. Tell him you'll give the relationship another 6 months, or however long you're willing to spend, and if there is not a change towards a better relationship between the two of you that you're leaving. You've already devoted 2 years of your life and it isn't working. Don't keep on indefinitely. You deserve happiness with a man who cares about how you feel and is willing to work with you to find ways to be happy.

Hi S.,
My oldest is turning 15 soon. If this boy is never spending time with peers, not involved in any extra curricular activities, doesn't go to any school activities like games or dances, never dates, then yes something is wrong and he'll have a heck of a time adjusting to college in just a couple of short years. It's great for teens to want to spend time with their parents, but I'm also very happy that my teenager has a social life.
It could be that this is how your boyfriend was parented himself, or it could be that he feels guilt over not being able to parent his son fulltime and thinks he's got to make up for it by spending every minute with the boy when they have their custodial time.
Kids shouldn't spend every minute with their parents because it doesn't teach the kids to entertain themselves and it isn't giving the parents a life of their own either.
Of course your boyfriend would choose his son over you (I'd choose my kids over my husband if I had to make a choice) but it's rude of him to say that to you. It sounds like "Do it my way or you're gone, and I don't care that there's something in our relationship that makes you uncomfortable"

I hear what you're saying about the son and agree with you. It's a parents job to make sure their children gain independence and can function in the adult world - not to be their child's bff! It's unfortunate that your BF doesn't see it that way.

When he turns the situation into a "you're just jealous" argument, he's manipulating you just as he does his son. He's trying to make you feel guilty! Which, ironically, is a teenager tactic.

I know you probably love this guy, but you're always going to be 2nd fiddle to the son - probably after the son is an adult too. I would break up with him.

Good luck and let us know what happens.

I don't know if it is healthy or not, is the boy well adjusted & happy? The behavior won't change between them regardless of how many people on here tell you it is normal or not normal. Some kids don't want or need to hang out with friends much and others would live elsewhere. I think the real issue is that your boyfriend just isn't that into you. None of this would change if you married and if you argue about it now, you'll certainly argue about it married. Personally, I think it is time you just broke it off, as adults who just need to move in different directions. The boy is his son and needs his dad regardless of how old he is. Thankfully the parents do get along, for the son's sake. Take care & good luck.

I would bail, it's a no win situation.
The son isn't out doing normal teenage things, which in some ways is nice, at least his parents aren't worrying about him while he's gone.
But it does seem that the over tight relationship is one that will probably never end, even in adulthood. Some families are that way. If you can't fit into that picture by embracing the closeness of the son, then you need to get out of the relationship now before it causes a lot of damaged feelings for all 3 of you.

Although I think it's great that your bf and his ex spends time with the boy, it is always very necessary for the boy to spend time with his friends and have a social network as it was. All teens aren't rebellious and will actually adhere to the rules which is a good thing. I can see where your bf would want to spend time with his son as well as the boy's mother wanting to spend time with her son... but the boy does need to start spending more time with his friends.

As far as your relationship goes, perhaps you need to rethink it and decide if this is how you want to be treated or if it's time to move on. Me personally, I probably would have moved on by now. If your bf cannot make a commitment now, will he ever be able to? I think you have some tough questions to be asking yourself.

Having been a parent of two teens I can tell you it is probably the most difficult and demanding time in a child's life.Running in the teen circles is not always a good thing and it brings a whole different set of challenges. I think your bf sounds like he is doing a great job and is an awesome dad. My ex hasn't seen my son since he was in the eighth grade (my son is now 25) and it has caused him great pain and self esteem issues. When I remarried my wonderful husband my son was only 3, he knew my son was THE most important person in my life, and I would only allow someone into our lives that would bring love, support, and acceptance. My husband has always been a wonderful and supportive step-father to my son, and in my ex's absence now refers to my husband as his dad. If I tell you the challenges we faced through the teen years any other man would probably have run away!!! But he didn't. Our dates back then were dinner at Roy Rodgers because it was quick and easy. Our dates consisted of him sitting on the couch after my son's bath and watching the disney movie Lady an the Tramp, EVERYNIGHT!!!! Getting involved with someone who has children from a previous relationship is not easy. It takes patience and understanding. I am sorry to say but as a girlfriend I don't think you should have much say on how he is raising his son, and the more you push the issues you are pushing your bf away. If I were him I would also question your commitment to this relationship. His time will be split, and his son will require his time. I think you sound resentful of his bond with his son and he probably recognizes that. I think the only way he will trust your input is if he feels that you are doing it in a positive way not a critical way. That in itself will prevent him from a long term commitment if he going to have to feel like he is forced to make choices. There is no choice in my opinion children come first. It doesn't sound like you enjoy his son in any way so how could you possibly build a solid relationship based on that. His son is not going away!! I do not think dating someone with a child is a good fit for you. Perhaps you should rethink what you need from this relationship, and rather then try to change him try to accept and become a part of his life. I am wondering if you can't handle the way he is raising his son why would you even want to build a life with him?

For me this is a red flag for you....this is your bf son....and being like a step mom..you need to be supportive in his parenting skills.....everyone has different parenting skills...but if this is causing you some stress about how he parents....it's probably not going to change if you guys get together and have kids....

You guys need to have a heart to heart about parenting skills and what it woudl be like if you continued your relationship on having your own kids....if he is adamant about what he feels is right....it's time to leave...he's not going to change.

Well, at the two year mark it sounds like you are ready to move on or break up and your bf wants things to stay as they are. The son is just the "buffer" if you will, same as the guy who needs more time with his friends, or computer, or work, etc. The real issue seems to be do you stay with him and be happy with the way it is (it won't change, he won't change) or do you move on.

Weigh the pros and cons of the relationship and decide if you are happy with it. If so, accept it, if not, leave it.

Hi Stephanie,
Your feelings are correct. Your boyfriend's son needs to have friends his own age to hang out with. It's ok to hang with your parents. But from my personal experience, kids that age tend to hang with others. Your boyfriend sounds a bit controlling over his son. And this business about him choosing his son over you should tell you that he doesn't value you all that much. When my husband and I got married over 10 years ago, we both brought children into the marriage, the one thing we discussed was that we knew that there would be problems blending our families together, but in the end it would be about him & I growing old together. And we should grow old because of the kids.... There were some trying times.... Our kids are grow now and life is easier. I think you boyfriend needs to wake up. Does he think he son will always be his little boy. At some point in his son's life, he will grow up and want a life of his own. Good luck...

You are probably right, it doesn't sound healthy. At 16 most teens spend a lot of time with friends...ours spends practically all his time with friends!
However, you say he goes between his mom and dad, so maybe he is more social when at his mother's place? I hope so.

Your bf could certainly be turning things just as you say. But maybe he is having a hard time with letting go because he knows that the "empty nest" is coming. If his son is is his closest friend...it would be so hard.

Hi there,

You should remember that his first priority is to his son, and not you. That's the way it should be, right? You are in competition with the son, since the bf has a finite amount of time.

People's families look weird from the outside, and sometimes they actually are weird. But you're not going to change it. Read the writing on the wall: son comes first, you will always be a distant second, find a boyfriend w/o other priorities. But remember that that doesn't make your bf a bad guy, it just means that he has his priorities correct.

Good luck,
Mararet

As a stepmom.........these situations are tricky..........it is the guilt from your BF that keeps his son first, and honestly it really should be. It's admirable. Don't question his feelings for you and compare it to his feelings for his son, as they are simply 2 different things in his heart and it's unfair to your Bf to consider doing this.

About a teen socializing........We have and have had different teens in our home......2 of them (my stepkids) would rather have been out with friends than with us at all, and our oldest ( between my hubby and I) is the opposite and LOVES being with us and family. He is socially adjusted however just chooses to be with us. Teens are hard because they go through so many changes in life and they are most comfortable within their family, so don't fault your BF or his son for that please, it could just be normal for the son's situation (in my experience). Socializing will come in time for him.........it's not as easy for some as it is for others, no matter how much we encourage them to be with friends.

As far as your relationship.......because the son is 16, then you only have a few more years to "share" his son until he goes off and does his own life. (This is compared to my experience of having my stepkids when they were really young)........I recommend you be supportive of your BF and of his son. Try to be a friend to the son........the payback won't let you down later in life :o) This will eliminate any strain on your relationship with your BF if you relax about the son.

This relationship and situation that comes "with the territory" of being a "step-parent", married or not. This is another "hurdle" to jump over in the handbook :o) If you love your BF and want to continue a relationship with him, then be patient through this. Support him, by "laying off" your interpretation of the situation.....as you discovered it only creates problems for you (and your BF and the son). In my experience, to this day, I have learned that the most "sensitive" conversations my hubby and i have had are the one's invovling my stepkids. It's best to leave it alone until your Bf asks for your opinion, and even then, go 'easy" on your response :o)

Your Bf loves you, or he would have never allowed you in his son's life.......be good with that....you don't need "proof" for him to show you to choose between the 2 of you......he never will go against his son in a situation like that...........even though his son is 16, he will always be a "boy" in dad's eye's......

Now honesty :o) YES! We stepmoms always see it for what it is! You probalby see the situation for exactly what it is, and your concerns are probably valid.so please don't think i don't see that part of your situation :o) This boy has 2 parents that love him and only want the best for him in life. let them deal with the emotional issue of socializing. it's not your job. Try to seperate that if you can........it will take ALOT of "zipping your mouth" and "biting your tongue" (as i well know), but it's honestly better in the long-run :o)

Good Luck! I hope you can relate to something I've said.

~N. :o)

I only want to comment on the last thing you said. "He would always choose his son over me." He is correct and right for saying this to you. His kid has been between a divorced mom and dad his whole life, so yes he is going to have problems, and his dad, while raising his son, SHOULD always put him before anyone else. That's what being a good parent is. My suggestion to you is to let this man raise his child without the input or interruption of you. Meaning, I think you should get on with your life and find a man who doesn't have kids. Then you can create your own family and raise them the way YOU feel is appropriate.

I think he's right to choose his son over you. (I'm not saying that in a mean way, but it's his KID--you will understand when you have a child.) If you're not comfortable with that concept, you probably need to end it now.

On the parenting note, he might be overprotective. Parents are supposed to give their kids roots AND wings.

I'm no professional, but I believe that peer relationships for kids are critical and very important to their development. A parent should NEVER make a child feel responsible for the parent's emotional well-being. A parent's role is, in part, to prepare a child to launch into the world. I think it's important to know your kids' friends and try to establish good relationships with them.

Separation from the family and creating an independent world is a normal stage of child development.

My stepkids' (12 and 14) mother constantly guilt trips them about wanting to visit their friends when they are with her, tells them they are "breaking her heart," etc... She won't allow them to have sleepovers or let them attend community events. I admit it's hard when your time with your kids is limited because of custody agreements, but what's happening now is they are starting to resent her guilt trips and restrictions, they don't want to spend time with her, and she and my older stepkid are in a constant state of conflict. The kid has a right to his own life, Dad's job is to help him move safely into independence.

Teenagers can require a lot of attention. And not every teenager is driven to run with a group of peers. It's wonderful your boyfriend takes being a father seriously. If you eventually have kids together, you can expect him to be an excellent father. There's nothing wrong with parents being close to their children. You are impatient for your boyfriends son to grow up already, but they grow in their own time. Your boyfriend might be worth waiting it out for, but if you find his parenting style is not your cup of tea, then it's time to move on. It's a hard call to make.

I can see your point, but I think that ultimately it's his son and it's his choice of parenting styles. Apparently the mom has the same parenting style, so it seems like something they've agreed on. I believe that children should have friends, but on the other hand, this kid probably won't get into any trouble if he's hanging out with mom and dad all the time. Bottom line, it's his child and his decision on parenting style and since it's not detrimental to the child, you're going to have to decide to either accept it, or move on. I don't know how you say to someone you're spending too much time with your child.